When the world is in trouble and theres nowhere left to turn.
Well your **** outta luck till then theres the Gonzo report.
Live from hidden location in a Florida basment broadcasting
now it's time for the Gonzo report.
With your team of in depth and seldom sane news team.
Your anchor man Gonzo co Anchor that Batsheba
weather chick Neva finally gotta mention Flores.
Sports with your favorite ****** Richard Shepard.
And then theres Paula Swanson who's sitting on my other side
I dont really know why but eveyone likes Paula so who gives a *****.
Who wants a sandwhich im just saying.
And are field reporters Jeremy Wyatt,Chris Smith,And Mr E,
This just in.
A old man lost control of his car running over 17 people
and seriously ******* off one dwarf.
And if your keeping track at home kids it's old farts 20 crazy texting while driving teen ***** 15.
Theres big trouble in Cairo kiddies with more no the situation
are own version of snooky Bathsheba take it away.
the camera zooms into the queen of Hello.
I swear to God Gonzo if dont back the **** up i will knife you
you crazy ******* and put some ****** pants on you ******.
Yes Bathsheba ******* the outside and kinda ****** all around as well
but enough with the foreplay children.
Oh look Paula made cookies!
Baths began here report on troubles that had befallen this country
And as i mixed a drink it made me wonder.
Were the **** is Eygpt.
Opps looks like i dropped my cookie.
Like a mighty ninja with a hot flash I was met with a searing
pain to my nose.
In the name of Cindy Crawford what was that for?
Thats for even thinking bout going under that table.
But .
No Baths replyed then hit me again.
The pain the agony my modeling carear.
Now with coverage from the World Series heres Richard Shepard
Richard Can you here us.
The cam camera cut to a shot of a monkey masterbaiting in the Bronx zoo.
Yes the production team of Goldie and Joel M Frye
when not watching hot oil dwarf varsity wrestling death match
there top notch.
Richard dear lord man were on air it's no time for that now.
This isnt Chris's bachelor party.
That isnt Richard you ****** Baths spoke in that charming yet
Voice that told me if i didnt stop I might get a free *** change
voice of her's.
And it's not the world Series you half wit it's the Superbowl.
No wonder there was no mention of the stanley cup.
Baths what do you not know.
So after i mixed another wild turkey and put a mirror under
Paula's nose to make sure she was still breathing.
I told her the roofies really help with the nerves.
Finally The artist formely known as Jack Horner was live on the screen from some cult meeeting it appeared.
*** they've captured Fergie.
Richard take it away.
Well these ***** keeping fighting over this ball.
Runnin back and ****** forth its driving me ****** bonkers.
Oh yeah amigo I these knickers ya asked for.
Richard held a pair of black ******* to the camera yeah
smell of no talent and overproduced songs.
dam you slash.
Back in the studio.
Ummm haha well i didnt ask him to steal anyones *******.
Paula broke the awkward silence i dont wanna go to school.
Paula you alright?
***** you John Travolta.
Ok well also at the world series of poker Jeremy Wyatt and he's got a special guest Taylor Swift.
Great god of the traveling flying squirrell monkeys pants.
anything but her.
Screaming like a naughty little school girl with a bad texting habit
on a unlimted plan i dove underneath the news desk for it's better
die at the heels of Baths and a tap dancing kinda drugged Paula than face a evil more sinister than Drew Dillegence or Ghandi combined.
Jeremy was in the danger zone note even knowing it for beneath that
yummy little body layed the soul of satan himself.
It was Nashvile a few whiskey laced years ago I was a drummer
for local sessions she was 16 I.
well I wasnt.
you mix in some drugs s0me cars crashes knocking over a liquor store or two.
That little hell cat had a thirst for danger and some lets just say
weird habbits okay it was more like a curse.
Strange things happend to here past lovers.
John Mayer, The gay cowboy from Broke Back Mountain you know
that movie about the sinking ship, and that lesbian from the Jonas Brothers.
Yes just as soon as she wrote a song you were good as dead.
You'd vanish to here secret torture chamber were her music played
non stop and your blood was drained slowley so she could feed
her own talent or lack there of.
Jermy puzzled hey Gonz you there Baths umm Paula ?
Underneath the saftey of are second hand news desk hey look gum.
huddled togather like three okay one drunk monkey and a passed out frat sister and a very ******* Baths please dont stab me im
fragile like a aged bottle of good whiskey im just saying.
We gotta make a brake for it look Baths you distract her im blowing this joint like a long winded madman on a five day binge
let loose on old country buffet.
Baths spoke in a language that was always a challenge for me
called sanity.
Gonz if you dont let me out from under this desk.
Im going to rip your heart out and feed it to the homless dwarfs.
And heres a napkin Paula's drooling on you.
I have a heart?
After a brief break.
And another check to make sure Paula was still breathing we
returned.
Dear lord where's Jeremy!
Screams could be herd Jesus Richard it's no time for killing hookers
But 10 dollar beers are a real kick in the ***.
Oh well Wyatts gone he'll be missed.
this just in Taylor Swift to release her new single Why Not Jeremy!
Dear lord sweet sallys *** it was code she had taken him hostage
in the love of all things lady gaga someone had to save my amigo.
except me cause that ***** was crazy and she's got a hell of a bite
im just saying stay strong Jeremy and think happy thought's
I could feel the ****** clamps and smell the burning flesh
from the car battery as we speak but enough bout me and skeeters
personal life.
now its time for the weather with finally she's gotta mention Neva voice like a angel Flores.
thanks Gonz that southern bombshell replyed okay in the south.
Alright Neva that was great like i need to hear the weather.
I havent been outside in seven years.
This just in Mr E has been taken hostage in Cairo.
Well kids all i can say is as much as this hurts
we dont deal with terrorist like we could raise a hundred bucks.
The bulletin came across the wire Raitch with a look of dont **** with me Gonzo although Pepples thinks your okay in a ***** kinda pervert way.
All hells breaking loose a all girls school for hot super models
in trainng.
Baths in shock and mock concern replyed oh dear lord.
I dont who has chops to cover such a story in short notice.
Raitch Oh Baths I dont know either ive herd there ripping each others clothes off hair pulling its worse than a prison riot with
hot half naked strippers.
Baths kept speaking but in the name of chain gang women
i was lost deep in thought over ******* and world events
while downloading pictures of Fergie eating a banana
what im a health nut okay.
Yeah I dont know who should go cover such a story right now hint.
Gonzo Baths and Ratich spoke like a tag team of terror hint!
Hey I should go shouldnt I ?
Yeah Gonz ya think ?
With some ***** looks from the people who much like my family
wish id forget there names.
So they wouldnt have to join the witnness relocation program
i love it when they play hard to get.
Finally i was off the trusty Gonzo Report news van waitting for me a bottle of wild turkey and some fine reading materials by that thinkers mag hustler waitting in the back.
There my amigos stood standing togather waving goodbye.
crying tears of joy hey is that a keg?
Chris on the turntables im beginnning to think it was a party.
But if Chris was there just who was driving the Gonzo van!
The little dwarf laughed in glee as we flew threw town
like Charlie Sheen on a coke binge.
I was tossed around like a beach ball at greatful dead concert
as finally over the cliff the van flew.
There was a explosion that could be herd for at least a half a mile
course that was drowned out by the party.
The party was in full swing finally Paula awoke.
Hey what the hell happend and why is Trimman
******* my leg?
Is Gonzo really Dead?
Will Jeremy Wyatt ever escape the *** dungeon of Taylor Swift.
Will Richard Shepard ever put out a book
how kick lots of **** yet win the hearts of millions
and do a co write with lady GaGa and Mel Gibson?
Will Neva Flores get ****** over her five second
mention hunt me down and torture me for hours
im just saying a girls got needs.
Will Paula Swanson kick Trimman like a field goal
or just pass back out?
Find out in the next action packed trillogy called
The Death Of Gonzo
Untill Next Time Stay Crazy Kids
Sorry for this long gonzo write my friends.
If i offend ya well if you dont wanna mention although this is done as a tribute i understand just let me know.
These are writes not poems but there ment to give ya a laugh
this isnt my most funny work but hell one thing i'll never be i hope is boring thanks for reading.
And if ya ever wonder if im this crazy in real life no way kids
im way worse cheers Gonzo
