I feel I have to make my defence
Regarding those who over several millennium
Believe they can speak for me;
I do not need to name names, do I? You know
Exactly who I mean. What can I do?
I speak briefly to someone once and, before
I know it, we’re ***** buddies-they claim to
Know my inner-most thoughts,
My opinions on every subject from what
Clothes to wear to who to marry.

Do I not have more important things to think about?
The well-being of an entire universe to evaluate
On a daily basis?
How you treat one another is your concern-
Just keep me out of your bigotry and spite,
My name out of your books, my voice out
Of your heads. I am not who you claim me
To be; I am far better and, at certain times, far worse.
I am both nothing and everything!

You can nevertheless be assured-
I do not lead your armies, support your murders,
Sanctify your suicides, bless your hatreds.
I do not inhabit your words,
Your statues, your art, nor am I the knowing
Voice in your head or the gnawing pain
In your heart. Own what is yours!




Originally, I was a small-time local deity,
Lord of the mountain, brooks and olives.
Benevolent, ***** and shy.
Nothing special! One god amongst many
In and out of pantheons, attached to this
Goddess or that. Sometimes I was el of the
Desert, sometimes the family god in
The corner or staring out of the tent flap-
Inauspicious and insignificant!

I was happy then. I had none of the obsessive
Responsibilities of a universal god. I seduced
The local women, fathered thousands of mixed-children-
Part deity/part human-received the flow of eager
Sacrifice; the few remaining aurochs,
Bulls, deer and first born. The smoke always revitalised me!
Children’s flesh was always particularly nourishing!
For such extensive insurance for my continued interest
I protected each group who so honoured me, destroying
Their enemies, as well as their friends.
(But, oh, not now! I’m expected now to exterminate entire neighbourhoods,
Nations and cultures! Now I’m expected to be the murderer,
The sole master of death!)

I was without ideas! I accepted everyone, loathe to judge!
****** peccadilloes I found interesting, fun.
Adultery I saw as an aspect of marriage,
Homosexuality, the absorbing antitheses of the endless
Production of new life, from its sterile cusp
Seeping forth new ideas and artistic burgeoning.
I created beauty, adoring it. I danced to
Lively music, sang to beautiful songs.

In Egypt a disgruntled warrior-priest arose, preaching violence,
Preaching conquest. I trembled in his angry presence,
Shaken by his bloodlust. An excitable poet sang of his adventures,
Turning a 100 followers into thousands. The poets used my name-
One fashioned in gentleness-to encourage war.
Then, from the confusions of statehood, prophets emerged
Spreading their misery through my authority,
Grinding my benevolence under soiled sandals,
Telling others what to do, as if the words were mine-
Engaging in genocide with pitiless intention.
They flail my soul with madness!

And so on and so on; numerous messengers
Shouting of sin and retribution,
My voice reverberating with their words,
As I stand in the shadows like a serial killer,
Frightened of lamplight. With nothing
More to do, conforming savants
Described rules for life, a non-existent heaven,
Transcribed my thoughts from their own experiences
Created another reality, ignoring their own.



I am now terrified of my name
(EL, YHWH, Allah) Terrified of what it represents-
Burdened by its acquisition
By the bombastic and cruel.
I, who was once a god, now
Am captive, a prisoner of recitation.
Where once I had priests to beckon, they
Now beckon me. Where once I pronounced on
Goodness, I am now too alarmed to speak.
Where once I was the object of sacrifice
I am now the sacrifice itself.

I was not
knee-deep in a bog
swinging a blunt cutlass.

I was not
naked and kneeling
before a jungle trellis.

I was not
youthful when young
(never felt summer).

I was not
alive when I lived,
being entombed

between antitheses.
I was not
happy, though this

was happenstance.
I was not
not awaiting a soundless fury

to consume my essence,
when that essence was what
I was not.

OLMEDO
            Cortés, I have a new, but nagging, fear.
            I sense the premonition of a time
            When you might be corrupted by the taint
            Of evils lying latent in our task,
            That vice, which our assignment permeates,
            Will tempt resolve to heinous compromise.

CORTÉS
            Our mission is implicit in its vice,
            In evils ineradicably steeped,
            And our grand charge requires that we submit
            To its contamination and decay.
            A man who would embrace the human lot,
            To do so, must consent to be a sinner.

OLMEDO
            Blood has been shed- For what? Lives squandered- Why?
            You, having tripped in sin’s attractive trap,
            To thus, in fragrant snares so feebly flail,
            Through frail and flagrant failings such a way,
            How can you say to me you are contrite?

CORTÉS
            But father, mercy with my malice mingles.
            These dicey circumstances find me now
            In both a ruthless and reluctant role.
            What seems intolerable of this plight
            Is that it simply will not be reduced
            To trite antitheses of right and wrong.
            My conscience both opposes and demands
            A rouse to action.

           Enter AGUILAR, ALVARADO, MALINALLI, and a Mayan Girl.

AGUILAR                              Captain, by your will,
            These endless battles have despoiled your foe,
            Who offer you these slave girls as a bribe.
            The terrorized Chontal surrender now.
            They will be baptized, and befriend our king,
            Provided that we leave their country soon.
            
CORTÉS
            Easy to break that promise once we’re gone.
            Tell them we shall release all Mayan soil,
            And nomadize into the unknown North.                             Exit Aguilar.
            Here, Alvarado, [indicates girl] guide her to your tent.
            We’ll see what use for this one we can find.
                                                                                           Exit all but Malinalli.
MALINALLI
            Now, silly Malinalli, drop your sights,
            You pretty poppet for these bearded frights.

happiness habitually tends toward apathy
permitting brainlessness to fester in the
throes of misanthropy while indefatigable
entropy saps the mind and heart
robbing the joyful of their shared humanity

emotion's heady debris linger in hapless
inanity while infatuation produces a stupor
unmatched by the strongest of spirits
reducing the compassionate to one-sided
and ambivalent caricatures of divinity

have we been deceived
force-fed untruth from birth
on celluloid silver screens
did we barter literature for
delusions of grandeur
in frivolous narratives manufactured
to distract from reality or detract
from the movement to abolish hateful
programs perpetuating poverty

or has cynicism left me jaded hating
that which is most precious in the human
experience because past horrors and
present woes cannot permit the possibility
of future redemption to overcome these
walls i've built around my dismembered soul

as is often the case i see the answer's far
from crystal clear it's amorphous and contorted
caught somewhere between two distant antitheses
which create a spectrum of relative ambiguity
amidst a reality neither certain nor secure

nevertheless i'll try to unearth the truth
whatever it may be and wherever it lies buried
harboring the knowledge in the back of my skull
that there may not even be such a thing
i'll salvage courage from
the wreckage of wistfulness
a wanderer waylaid in the chasm of gray matters

i am a pendulum
oscillating between
ostensible antitheses,
elapsing like a ticking
time-bomb.

most days
i want to save the world.
but sometimes
i want to destroy
the entire cosmos.

ball up my fists and break
up the regimes
of bigots, rapists, and racists.
smash the militarists, misogynist
pigs, and Islamaphobes.

but that's the problem, isn't it?
in our self-indulgent belligerence
and fatuous ignorance, we utilize violence
deposing one tyrant just to install another,
eternally entombed in shackles.

i am too weak
to cure this suicidal impulse
and, in my obeisance,
i've stained my hands
red with crimson.

this death-drive sends us
spiraling into an abyss
we wrought for ourselves.
maybe we just want to watch
the world burn.

the ruptures we've torn
in mother earth
are eerily reminiscent
of our own fractured
mental health

and this sickness leaves me bipolar,
vacillating between two extremes:
fantasizing about the end of the world
and simply wanting to **** myself
to be done with this wretched hell.

You’re nothing more than ink on an old, unread page in a forgotten urban library; one not so urban as to have visitors but so urban as to have the unlearned come and pretend and imagine themselves as their antitheses. Your name is nothing more than history, the past. Your life affects no-one to this day. Your father’s name, work and moustache are unimportant. Your “very happy family”, Clemens, or has your name changed since? is dead, gone and forgotten except those lovely souls trying to find between the books, the pages, the lines. His Roman Nose isn’t important to your adoration. Your adoration is nothing. You’re nothing.

But then why is your beauty so enthralling? Why can I not take my eyes off your face, lost in time? Your lips, shaded on the left, stay silently unopened eternally. Oh love, oh love! Your shadow casts a spell of your beauty on the wall. I am simply lost In your brown eyes, in black and white. The contours of your timeless face pursue my thoughts and take them as lovesick captives. Your hair, full, and pulled effortlessly back. Oh, love! If there was only more of you to see, below the neck. Your pale skin, white dress. Gold, necklace. ******, ears. Your chaste, elapsed beauty has once graced this world. But now resides here as a photograph.


A face lost in time.