Not having anyone to fix or save or be distracted by is turning me into one vulnerable and terrified human being.

2. I’m surrounded by love everyday and it makes me realize that having romantic love with someone is not the be-all and end-all of life.

3. Sleeping alone does not make me a failure.

4. There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

5. A solid friend and a hearty laugh is better than any one night stand or three month fling.

6. I am still terrified of being abandoned and do not want to add on to the list of potential abandoners at the moment.

7. What even is love?

8. I tend to attract addicts, of all kinds, and by staying away from them I sometimes wonder if I will ever meet someone who will want to love me for who I am and not the false sense of security and comfort I can so easily bring them.

9. I tend to be attracted to addicts, of all kinds, and by staying away from them I am learning how to make myself feel secure and comforted.

10. Manipulation can be contagious. I don’t want to go there again.

11. Trust is something I look back on fondly but is no longer something I have inside my heart to give to the next person who decides to love me. I’m working on it. I think this one will take a long time still.

12. Finding and keeping a consistent friend is making me want to find and keep myself.

13. I am exhausted.

14. Commitment makes me cringe.

15. Marriage is a lovely thought but would be a pointless reality.

16. I have a lot of healing to do.

17. Finding pleasure in life does not have anything to do with another person’s body.

18. *** is not a joke and should not be treated as such.

19. Neither should your body.

20. Forgiveness is a foreign land I have always dreamed of visiting.

21. It is entirely possible to be young and not reckless.

22. We are not invincible.

23. It’s time to slow down.

24. No amount of coffee, crying, sleep, wine, or romance will cure me of the unrelenting emptiness.

25. Nobody taught me that choosing to be alone is actually wise.

26. I am changing.

to all the
liars
critics
bigots
politicians
false prophets
abandoners
abusers
psychiatrists
conservative radio show hosts
self-proclaimed deities
and traitors,

go to hell.
(please and thank you.)

for all those that had and have to.

Because my father drank and forgot to shop.
Because sometimes barren shelves can make
Me say “yum” to trouble. Bring it on. Just watch.
See if I don’t form a meal out of a fifteen minute browse.
See if I don’t howl “jackpot!” when I arrive back home.
See if I don’t have the family opening bags and sneaking bites
And turning stovetops and laying plates and stocking fridges and
Filling glasses and grabbing utensils and smelling the score and finding
Themselves laughing as their full bellies take form.

Because after awhile I enjoyed it. I found thrill
With resistance and risk and crime and trouble. A way
To spite to the abandoners. The ones that made me sniffle
At night and feel weak and worthless. Unloved.
No more!
When I walk into a store and save $20 I am sure that when
My dad relapses I will have a backup plan beyond the grandparents
That turn pale and tired each time they get one of those calls.
No more!
They’re old enough and so am I; and plus, there will be moments when
Those calls will come after 911 and they’ll have to speed over to the house.

Because I got away with it.

Because the television was on.

Because free is non-existent.

Abusers, stepping on my bliss.
They pay for every second.
For every penny they stole
Every nuisance they wreaked
Every coupon they made a hassle
Every tax
Every charge
Every slight
All will be held due
All to account
Every bill.

You owe me fifty seven billion dollars.

You will pay the full debt of every inaction.

Abandoners, betrayers, thieves, your torment will be a thousand fold the crime you committed against others.

Trust me, you won't redo it.

Hahahaha