I internalized all the bad things he said to me.
I hear them, I feel them.
But I don’t feel the good.
That’s it in a nutshell.
I watch the “good” Nita from outside of this body
I don’t know her, I don’t see her as part of me.
I have no idea who she is even though she is “me”.
Instead I carry around this sense of ‘badness’
that was drilled into my head for so many years:
You are bad.
You will never be anything.
You are worthless.
You are an evil.
You are unlovable.
No one will ever care about you.
And I see that as the “real” Nita.
I believed those things.
I built walls to keep people out so they would not see the “real” me…
the badness.
But I still see that girl.
She is five, eight, ten…
They are still inside me,
Screaming in pain,
Yelling at me to help them
And here I am 30 years later,
Standing here alone with all of these girls
So wounded and afraid and I am unable to help them.
All of this pain from recent years has shattered me,
Ghosts haunt me, and I realize just how much hurt I never let go of.
Every night takes me back to the most painful times in that girl’s life
I see just how little I have recovered from the destruction he left behind
the wreckage that was supposed to be me!
All of the pain,
All of the baggage
He put on me,
Forced me to carry,
It is too heavy!
And I am so tired.
I plead with them at night,
“Please don’t be like this…”
And it is so frustrating because
I don’t know how to make them be any other way.
Every night I feel like I am trapped behind this one-way mirror
And I can see everyone but no one can see me.
And I am screaming for help but no one hears me.
No one sees me.
No one will help me manage them
and I have no idea how to do it on my own.
I feel diminutive and insignificant in a way that feels simply dreadful
It makes me feel worthless.
I feel a bit like I don’t exist.
I watch and listen and look
and I am pleading…
please help me…
please see me here…
but they don’t.
I know that’s not true.
I know that can’t be true.
People care about me,
People love me,
Want to be with me,
Offer me help,
Try to get me to talk to them,
But no one really SEES me.
No one sees beyond the obvious projection
of who I appear to be
Into my shattered heart
And deep into my soul.
No one really knows her
That is what makes it feel so extraordinarily lonely,
That’s what pushes me over the edge of the cliff
And into the darkness…
Falling, falling, falling…
There’s no one to catch me.
Where is everybody?
Where are you?
I can’t see the bottom
It’s so black and cold
I’m so afraid…
But I have to believe that there is someone
Down there in the darkness that is strong enough to catch me
Because I’m not strong enough to catch myself.
Because I am not strong enough to say out loud,
“Please take my hand and help me, I am dying.”
And of course now I am crying
I can barely see the computer screen
And my dog, Starr, is pressing her face under my arm
Putting her paw in my lap as she tries to get as close to me as possible.
She loves me and she’s trying to tell me,
"It’s going to be okay Nita, I promise, we’re gonna make it after all.”
I need to take a deep breath
Know that it’s okay.
Because it is.
**Because it has to be.