I went to my last counseling appointment today
and when i stood up to leave
I felt as if I should shake her hand

but instead I walked out that door on tentative fawn legs
I stepped into the cold
and I felt like a stranger to myself

I bought coffee and a pack of cigarettes
and stood by the same ledge I always do
but it didn’t feel the same

I have her card in my front pocket for emergencies only
I feel as if I just stepped into harsh burning sunlight
I feel like there is winter air trapped in my lungs

I've come to the conclusion that
there’s nothing really wrong with me
but there’s nothing all that right either

I do not like this phase of a heart break.

When you purposely avoid love songs,
Or sometimes you play them just to make yourself feel like your hearts still pounding.

When the person you loved and hid from every waking soul is brought into a conversation.
Or when he isn't.

When you see other lovers who have made it years without the cruel hand of fate ripping their love from them.
Or when you see they haven't.

When you notice him writing you smaller, casual messages when they use to be breathtaking and beautiful.
Or when he doesn't write at all.

When I ask you if I am pushing you away and you say no.

"Alright, happy birthday! Text me later tonight?"

"Will do"

When every hidden goodbye ends with those two words. And my broken, belittled heart.

(i. r.)

I took a walk down by the water
in the middle of the night that
parted myself from millions of others
and the loneliness I felt at that exact moment
can not be described by words
But, I guess I have befriended the
empty feeling in my chest for it is
something I feel without another near me
The darkness of the sky collided
with the paleness of the ground
and it reminded me of how perfectly
blended the complexion of your skin
and hair were together
The frost on the glass windows of
abandoned buildings were a metaphor
of the way my blood stopped pumping
ever since you ran away from
your regrets and fears; ran away from me.
Then the sun returned and awoke
the sleepy city that I felt alone in,
and the sky didn't remind me of you anymore.

I've been strengthen by these
defeats and I've loved
several different women
with all of my heart.
All of whom I wish
to never see again.

Alone is when I'm at
my greatest and alone
I am with these
demons who influence my
world.

This hand keeps reaching
and coming up empty.
And we are all getting
older,so much older.

The promises fall short
and the hopes all began
to fade like a dying star
far off in the
Pleiades.

**** it all away
and consume,
buy it all up and attempt
to fill that empty space
that is your soul.

I'll continue on my
way with this .
I'll continue on my
way alone and only
on rare occasions will
I be happy.

And that is how
it's meant to be.

i do not want
to face tomorrow
so tonight
i will not sleep

because i see
the sun as the sun
and day only arrives
when i awake.

I remember the last day very well.

How happy we were to be away from the rest of them.

How fun it was sitting in your car, and screaming out lyrics to songs we would one day want marked on our bodies.

How we happily giggled and allowed every ounce of insecurity to melt away into the air around us.

How the sunlight streamed in through my windows and covered your golden skin in a thin film of white.

How it felt to kiss your lips.

How it felt to hold you close.

How your body pressed to mine created one continuous aria of love.

How my last words were "text me when you're safe and sound"

How I didn't know I would be leaving my heart in your shirt pocket.

"Will do"


(i. r)