I think I started writing you away before you were gone
I wanted to make sure I could let you go before I did
I wanted to feel numb when I pushed you away
so I wrote
I put you on pages,
typed chapter titles for every single time you looked at me
I wrote until you were a novel,
read you until you were no longer novel,
and put you on a shelf so I could start waiting to forget about you,
a memory trapped in unused synapses

and after I shut your final chapter
but before your pages had started to collect dust,
I realized what I had done
See, I had taken each word from within me,
harvested my heartstrings, plucking them and mixing them to make ink,
The pieces of you I kept in my heart
sat as words on a page, aging
while my heart, once strong, felt too empty
and cavernous to beat under the weight of the sigh pinning down my chest

In all of my preparing
I had forgotten that I am human

I forgot feelings aren't like a fountain
there's no faucet you can turn off to keep them from
running through your mind
no way to stop them from flowing
back through your mouth when you try to
swallow them, mixed with ***, in your best friend's basement,
days after you forgot that you can't turn off a rainstorm
you can try to catch the raindrops in a bucket
but the bucket you'll need is big enough to drown in
you can try to hold out an umbrella
but if the wind is hard enough
you're still going to end up cold and dripping,
tearstained and shivering
waiting until the sun comes out

I forgot that I can't control the weather,
or anything other than myself for that matter
The end of a storm doesn't equate to the appearance of a rainbow

I realized that just because my fingers twisted around yours until
they melted together doesn't mean you'll forgive me
and that you left tattoos on me that only time will fade
and we're both going to be mad
I found out that
every song that ever reminded me of you doesn't cease to exist
I have to re-watch movies because they're different now, somehow,
and just because my hair is probably still all over your clothes
and I talked to you every day
and you gave me months of memories
and thinking about you is gut-wrenching
doesn't mean that I won't spend days praying for patience
and hoping for healing because
***** it, letting you go doesn't mean I don't miss you

You know those tears you get
When you can't stop laughing
Because you don't want to
And they just rest on your cheeks
Until you finish your laughter
And you wipe them away

You know those tears you get
When you watch a sad movie
And you feel like the characters are real
Even though they're not
And the tears just rest by your lips
Until the movie is over
And you wipe them away

You know those tears you get
When you say goodbye to a friend
And you don't want them to go
But they need to go
And the tears just rest on your chin
Quivering
Until the dust settles
And you wipe them away

You know those tears you get
When you walk down the aisle
And everything is perfect
When love is beautiful
And the tears just collect on your eyes
Until you need to blink
And you wipe them away

You know those tears you get
When you remember yesterday
And you wish it were alive again
But it isn’t
And the tears just fall to the ground
They soak into the Earth
And you can't wipe them away

There was something about that night
The way insomnia  consumed my skin
The way your body felt intertwined with mind
The way your chest rose and fell,
A pillow of lungs and love to rest my head.

I knew I loved you

And your comatose kisses
And your incredible eyes
And your powerful whisper
And your quivering collarbones

Still with every touch
And taste
And caress
And embrace

I knew I would be content lying beside you for eternity.

And that my heart was yours to take,

And yours to break

(i.r)

I don't mind the long drives home
And I don't mind holding his hand
His eyes are a soft encounter
So much power in a tiny glance

Every kiss is like a cigarette
Every word is like a bee
Addicted to the taste of nicotine
And dying from a tiny sting

Lay your love on me
Send your venom through my veins
I'm stealing all of your cigarettes
But I ain't hearing no complaints

Speaking my mind to a cup of coffee
Watching each day that walks on by
Until the moment I can finally see you,
Your hypnotic smile and your large brown eyes.

(i.r)

i.
some days are more
worth living than
others; today is not
one of those days

ii.
your words stay pinned
on my mirror, and i
don't know if i am
keeping them there to
torture myself
or to remind myself
that i should stay
alive

iii.
i used to be okay,
and i don't know how
i ever was that way
or how to get back

iv.
you used to draw maps me
on my arms; nobody knew where
they went except for
you

v.
i want go where
you do, but i don't know
how to find you

If I could change your name
I would
turn it into a sentence.
It would be
"I Think I'm Falling In Love With You"
just like what you said,
half asleep,
from the backseat of my car,
when we had only known each other
for forty-eight hours.
I would call you that,
I Think I'm Falling In Love With You,
any time I needed
your attention.
"I Think I'm Falling In Love With You,
come read this."
"I Think I'm Falling In Love With You,
while you're in there,
could you get me a glass of water?"
"I Think I'm Falling In Love With You,
I think I'm falling in love with you."