I can't know enough about you.

Tear open my chest and you'll find
a miniature you sitting there
clawing onto the walls
trying to get out
not going
anywhere but.

i dont understand why i feel the way i do
why at a certain word,
or a certain picture
my heart will seize in my chest
hold my organs in,
bracing itself
only to go forth
and shake and tremble
and perpetually ache
like an old sore not healed

i wonder why i can't stop
digging graves for myself
despite being in a state of bliss
why when theres nothing wrong
i always expect the worst to be right around the corner
and instead of waiting for the worst to come
i make the worst

i guess i was never really patient in the first place

Heartbreak.
It's something that cycles
again
and again.
Love someone,
love them too hard,
get heartbroken,
trampled on.
Take the time to get back up,
eat too many tubs of ice cream,
stand balanced on two feet.
You're up again,
finally.
You fall even harder this tim,
get hurt even more,
and the cycle continues.

What if we can change that?
What if we can stop the agony,
and things will be okay?
No more ice cream,
no more runny eye liner,
just a smile,
starry eyes,
entwined hands.
What if?
Dare I dream that maybe we could last forever,
and that nature's cruel cycle won't repeat?

Pushing through
the rough and tough,
I surge forward and use what little strength I have.
It didn't have to be big,
just very deep,
and I continued to shove through everything,
pushing away, the way one might do when one swims,
I pushed away.
Once the hole was deep enough,
I ****** my mutilated hand
down my clogged throat
and shifted around inside, searching with invisibility
what you finally left behind for me.
I had put it back into my cage,
I am only a slave owner after all,
just to put it here.
No use for it now.
You see where this little ******* got me?
Now I don't need it anymore.
I found it and grabbed it limply
as it half-heartedly (haha) began to
grow bigger and smaller,
like the way you used to when you were younger
when you breathed in and out of a paper bag.
I grasped it and stared at it for awhile, this
this thing that was once so
colossal and scarless and innocent and so
so perfect.
It stopped moving.
I threw it onto the ground next to its grave, crushed it, twisting my foot
to do away with this evil little spider that lived in me once,
and kicked all the guts into the hole.
oops, I forget a piece, a thing that vaguely looked like the right atrium,
and I kicked it in with the rest of the crap.
I shoved some dirt into the hole,
covering everything  left of this thing that I once called a heart,
and walked away.

Now just watch me come back a couple days later
finding it,
digging it up,
and force feeding it to my cage.

It was almost as if I was a wild thing
uncontrollable, angry, bitter
I was the epitome of madness
the center of sadness

But you came around

And I guess maybe you liked how
I was simply mad,
an absolute creep
and you stuck around
and unearthed the me
that hid inside all along,
scared to show itself to the world
scared of how the world would think of it
scared of the hurt bound to come
scared of everything

But you coaxed me out of my shell
so to speak
and now here we are.
as I stand with a smile on my face,
Know that its because of you,
that I smile because of you,
that I laugh because of you.
I am brave because of you.
It all seems to lead back to you,
you changed my world and the best I could hope for us that I changed yours too.