This is how I die
Not by poison, by blade, by bullet or by fault
No big exit, no trumpet, no serenade or fall
Just you, yourself, left ingrained in my veins
Your absence, your silence, is killing me again.

He says he loves you and you feel a surge of euphoria. You feel like water that's just been brought to a boil. You feel everything all at once and you feel it violently churn like the ocean inside you. You feel so much that you might burst if you felt anymore. Your legs tremble under the weight of it all. He sees your passion in the way you look at him like he's forest, like he's sunset, like he's mountain. He feels your panic in the way your hands touch him like he's lightning, the way they clutch him like he's lifeline. He squeezes you gently and you realize you've been holding your breath. The words escape your lips in an exhale and you know right then and there that nothing will ever be the same again.

You asked me what I want
But how do you mean?

Like a wish?
Because it's always been a dream of mine
to fly with my own wings
or to control time
so that maybe I'd get enough sleep
and I could draw out the memorable moments until I'm sick of them
and then
maybe
sometimes when I need a break I could just stop everything
and focus on the serene silence of a world frozen in place

But does this wish have to obey the rules of this reality?
because if that were the case
then I could wish for the attention of that one boy
the one with the electricity in his fingertips
and that might temporarily please me

Or I could wish myself convenience
I could wish that my hoodie strings never crept uneven
I could wish that my nails stayed short and neat
so I didn't have to cut them
I could even wish that I knew everything there was to know

Or I could wish for something to better the world
I could wish that natural disasters were a myth
I could wish that 'pretty' didn't mean anything more than the empty breath of air and intangible vibrations that it actually is
That it didn't have any more impact than 6 letters of graphite should

Or I could wish for something to better myself
I could wish for better handwriting
so maybe I can convince myself that my words are worth the paper they stain
Or I could wish for endurance
Or effortless conversation skills
Or pristine work ethic-
something I can use to my advantage in the future to ensure success.

Or I could just wish for success.
I could wish for the job of my dreams
endless money
the perfect family
but where's the fun in that?

I could even use my wish to help someone else
cure someone of their terminal cancer
Hell-
I could wish up a cure for cancer!

I could wish that mosquitoes didn't exist
or that I had a photographic memory
or that I lived somewhere I could wear flip flops in January
or that I would never age, never feel pain
I could wish for an A on my next science test
or that poverty inversely reflect humanity

But you know what I think?
I think it's human nature to feel discontent
and I think
that's vital
to the evolution of the human race

I think that we need it
to continue
to grow
and better ourselves

So what do I want?
What's my one wish?

I wish that I could believe in the magic of the stars peeking through tonight's sky

It takes this boy three words to figuratively melt all my literal progress, to turn my thoughts right back into the whirlwind of memories I've spent the past twelve months trying to silence. At last, I stopped hearing his voice in the howling wind but two missed calls and a couple 2AM texts later and I can't think straight. I see his smile in the spaces between my fingers and LOOK ALIVE, SUNSHINE ricochets around my skull, firing my synapses sharply while his hurricane laughter echoes between my neurons.

Three words to rip all of my unexpressed feelings from their neatly-packed shoe boxes and send them swirling around my head in that violent vortex that took a year to subdue.

Three words to unleash the chaos I had finally repressed.

I was not your first choice

I was not your second choice

At a point in time you told me differently but after nine months of trying to figure you out the only conclusion i’ve drawn is that your bitersweet words don’t mean anything at all

they say there’s a sliver of truth in every lie and thats the last bit of hope I’ve been holding on to lately

you said that one day it’ll all come together but little did you know I knew exactly what you meant that night in the park

It isn’t your fault but mine for not seeing the warning signs earlier on and turning around right then and there

it isnt your fault that i trusted you

it isnt your fault that i loved you

it isnt your fault that i put you on the highest pedestal and broke down when you failed to live up

the worst thing in the world is when you can feel someone slowly slipping away and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop them

it happened with a best friend and it happened with you and somehow these two always tie together

the moment it ends is the moment when you stop denying the truth and finally admit to someone’s withdrawal from your life

for now, you’re still here, in recent memories and in call histories and in the back of my mind

but nothing ever lasts, i’ve seen it all before

our constant arguments about who cares about who more play like an old song in the back of my mind, sad, but my favourite nonetheless

I cant possibly fathom how you could spend so much time trying to convince me you care about me just to leave like nothing was said at all

maybe i answered my own question, maybe you convinced me but you never actually showed it

maybe i played it too cool, acted so uninterested that you thought I was

looking back at what we were is like watching a bridge fall to flames, and
then watching it rebuild itself only to combust again, over and over and over

our history seems so tragic and beautiful to me but its probably just another failed teen relationship from the outside looking in

the most powerful thing ive ever had the pleasure to experience

poetry of the senses, a bright stain on the vision

and so much of it is chance