I was woken by my demons this morning
It appears they escaped last night
Had done my best to tie them down
But my self doubt waited until I fell asleep and lured them out

My demons are resting behind my ears
"No point in trying today" they snarl
"You've already failed anyway"
They tug at my shirt tails as I stand
"Come back to bed" they chime
My heart is heavy
My legs like lead
Just one more step to get outside
Get in to the light and they'll leave you

I notice it is cloudy
No sunshine to scare them away today
"You cannot ignore us!" They cry
They make camp between my curls

My demons are my company today
I can barely see through the fog
I know I must persevere
Determination is my weapon
I hoist the demons atop my crown
"Give up! They snicker
I will make it up this hill
I will make it to the next sunrise

My demons are my company
Today, but not all days
As I hum to myself each note makes them dreary
They nod off, their bellies rise and fall
My demons are my company
I tuck them in at night
My demons are my teachers
My state of mind my defence
I bathe in moonlight
I will rest til dawn
Then I will begin again.

My demons are my company

Went down to the water to forgive myself
To shed myself
The ocean plays at my ankles
My past spills at my feet
Swirls in the sea foam
Turns the water black
Memories pierce my heart
Can feel the air rush through the holes they leave
How will I repair them?
The waves are consistent like my flashbacks
Always waiting for a pause of calm
"We're here"
They say
"We remember."

I step further into the water
I am knee-deep now
It's harder to catch my breath
The holes are swelling
Childlike innocence seeps out of my ears
Runs down my spine
Gushes at my feet

I feel faint
My knees buckle and I sink into the sand
Water rushes through my midsection
It's warm
Reminds me of your hands
I steady myself

"We're too heavy for you to float"
They say
"You must let us go"
But I don't know how
How can I let go of what almost killed me
How can I forget what you did
How do I honour my nightmares
How do I not
They've kept me warm
They're familiar
Wrapped around my neck while I sleep
I'll be cold without them

The water is past my rib cage now
I'm sinking
Do it now
Do it now
I don't know how
But I know I must
I reach for the cavern in my chest
Start pulling out my insides
They've rotted from when you had taken root at the base of my skull
I toss them into the rolling waves
Fistfuls of my rage
Heartbreak
Memories of your gaze
They do not deserve daylight
"What will you do without us?"
They chorus
"I will carry on"
I bellow
"I will carry on without you!"

I watch them drift away
In and out
In and out
To shore to sea
To shore to sea

I don't know when but I have arrived back on my feet
The waves are still there
Soothing my ankles
Back and forth
Back and forth
Like your old rocking chair
The ocean consoles me as I gently weep
"You did it"
"It's over now"
It whispers
Sunlight dances on the surface
Reflects into my bare lungs
Begins to warm my insides
Repair what you ruined
My body sprouts flowers
The endless rainfall has done it good
I retreat slowly to the shore
Pause for a deep breath that fills the four corners of my heart
And break into a sprint towards the horizon
I am free now
I am free now

I am a fortress.
Fervently I fidget with my deadbolt
"Lock that door shut. You'll be safe in here."

Outside a forest stretches
Wind navigating its branches
My hair is matted
Damp
The wind has forgotten it
"No one can find me here. I am safe."

Moss grows between my toes
Embedded under my finger nails
From my attempts to evict it each night.

Who am I hiding from?

The sun reaches one small dusty corner
"Stay away," I snarl, snapping the blinds shut
"The sun is not your friend."

Days pass.
I grow pale
Half moons cradle my eyes

The sun is outside my door
Pacing
Whispers to the wind- "if only she knew we loved her."

Winter arrives.
I collect icicles because they seem familiar
They cut my palms as they melt
I let the moss grow over the wounds

The sun and the wind return
I'm too weak to run from them.

The wind sighs,
"If only she knew she needs us to grow."

I am a heap of bone now. And sinew.
The moss creeps over my eyelids

My breath slows

I return to the forest floor.

If only I had known I was not alone.

their hesitation
              

                was my revelation

And for once,

she is still.

she breathes in lilacs
and breathes out daffodils

she cocoons all winter
nursing her summer wounds
she flew too close to the sun, you see.

her skin left tarnished;
gaping
her spirit
her spirit does not decay.

she flies close because she can
because of the fire inside her
moth to a flame

her wax wings soften
like your heart when you first saw her

"i will fly again next year"
she whispers
through her tears

Punitive damages descend
on your determination

Decidedly so, you weep.

Dry heaves wreak havoc on your insides

You leap off the canyon in the dead of winter

Just so the freezing water
engulfs you
forces you
to breathe deeper.