i really would like to stop

feeling for you

to stop feeling love

for you

to stop feeling hate

towards you

to stop feeling angry

at you

to stop feeling nervous

around you

you don’t make any sense

and frankly,

i’m exhausted

i don’t want you

and logically

i understand this

but i look at you and feel

sick to my stomach

and these “butterflies”

are no longer new

the novelty has worn off

is there a vaccine i can take for my heart

is there an antibiotic i can use?

because i just want to stop caring about you.

to be fair,

i like being friends with you

you’re a nice person

but it’s so hard to function

when every time you don’t respond

is like a knife to the heart

and every girl who isn’t me

is like stab in the back.

it just makes me so

annoyed

and the wounds

have become more like

mosquito bites

and i

just

want it

to

stop.

I want to be more than
A stranger you smile at when you can  

I don't want to be 
A face without a name, a landmark you sometimes see

But I don't want to hold your hand 
walking through the waves across the sand

I don't want to hug and kiss 
Or be the only one you'll ever miss

I don't want to be your wife
Buy a house and car to start life

I don't want to be there until the end 
All I want is to be your friend.

you shoved me into the deepest depths of the shark infested ocean
but I took your hand as you pulled me into your boat
and thanked you as you cleaned the bites
you are a sweet poison that you convinced me I should try
and it's killing me but I can't live without it
I feel like you stabbed me in the heart
just to see what it would feel like
and I thanked you for it.

I am shattering
and you are glueing back together the pieces
and telling me
that I’m beautiful
like that’s not supposed to make me feel anything
"Get out of toxic relationships,"
they say
I can’t
because
I will die either way
and I’d rather die with you pulling the trigger

I want to be supportive
I want to be the best person,
The person you need right now
I want to help you through
I want you to feel loved,
but I am not unbreakable.

I have my own unhappiness
My own insecurities
My own self-loathing
My own inner voices
Telling me that I am
Wired wrong.

I will be there for you
When you need me
But when you ask me
Why I am so stressed
I will tell you that it is
School and Work and Life.

This will not be a lie
But it is not the truth.
I am stressed because of you.
Because I'm not sure
If I deserve you
Not sure if I'm who you need
Not sure if
I can help you feel
Unbroken.

I am not unbreakable.
I'm not even durable.
I am worn out.

You're something precious
That I've caught in my hand
But I'm scared to open in check
In case I find that I'm mistaken
and I will open my palms
and there will be nothing
You were never there to begin with
and I imagined it all

one two faces blue
frozen by the ice and split in two
three four open door
tripped by the threshold, dead on the the floor
five six wall of bricks
trapped by corners and out of tricks
seven eight falling straight
off the edge of cliff while tempting fate
nine ten noisy men
at the bottom of the ocean, silent again.

On Tuesday morning

I discovered

That I had missed your late night call

And I found that I didn’t care at all

But then the next day I was tricked by your enjoining smiles

And I pretend to love you for a while

It’s now Thursday afternoon

And you don’t recognize me

So I think to myself who is he?

But the entire thing is a tragedy

You and I acting out our daily roles

Letting the heat dissipate from the coals

Of the hypothetically imaginary flame

Of a possible love affair

One we knew wasn’t there

And it’s a whole month of Sundays

Yet we still haven’t talked

But I’ve memorized the way you walk

The thread connecting you and I

Is woven together with Wednesdays and lies

As deceptively delicate as a spider’s web

Let’s try again and close our eyes.

It's been so long since I've used
an elementary school wish granting time
like "11:11" or "12:34"  
But I noticed it by chance today;
I thought fondly of you
And I was pleasantly surprised
That you so easily sprung to mind.
I didn't wish for anything in particular
It's not that kind of night
But your name came up
And I was reminded
That everything always
turns out alright.