The sound of the universe consummating
the chamber of my mind, a riot loud,
Thoughts collide, a violence of
Whispers, shouts, a perpetual crowd,
surely not withering.
A symphony of disorder,
Silence sought, but never found.

cause I don’t wanna get better
get better and what?
throw away all my hard work?
i knew what I was doing when I picked up that bottle,
and I’m scared to put it back down.
scared the memories will come flooding back,
scared it’ll hurt all over again.
maybe I’m not meant to get better.
when they ask me where I see myself in 10 years I laugh,
laugh through the finality of my suicidality.
my world is on fire and I have no desire to put it out.
I’m stuck in this ****** brain.

Maybe expectations are too high,
maybe my mind is tricking me once again,
but I can’t help but feel stuck,
stuck at a broken red light.
I want the kind of love that believes in me,
the kind of love that supports me
the kind of love that stands by my side.
Your love is waning,
pushing me to the sidelines,
discarding me as worthless.  
I know that I am broken,
but I deserve much more than this,
I cannot love you into loving me.