What is "the closet"?
It's not physical
No
Rather, it's a state of mind

But sometimes is feels physical
The pain of all the lies you tell
To keep your secret in the closet of your mind
To keep your secret from accidentally
"Coming out"


"The closet" is
Lying by omission
Keeping others away from the suspicion
That you're not like the rest
That you like the same ***
Or, if you're me, both

"The closet" shouldn't have to exist
This state of mind
Of constantly having to hide
Being constantly afraid
To just step out
And be yourself

When you're upset
So upet that it hurts

Just tell yourself
That
Well, life is short

And that this is just temporary
It'll get better

And even though today you're under the weather

Tomorrow is a new day
I promise it will be ok

The anxiety builds up
When you finally decide to say something
To share the secret
That you're not like everyone else

It feels like dream
Even now, days later
"Ok" she said
With a curious look on her face
"I'll love you no matter what, you know?"

And now I'm out
Of this closet of shame
At least to my mom
But it's a start, all the same

What am I supposed to do--
With these irrational thoughts?
Caused by a mere chemical imbalance?

It's not like I can help it
It's not like I can change
Its not like I can stop being afraid of everything
Just because you said I can

It takes work
Getting rid of these irrational thoughts
Like opening up to some random person
In a fake "comfy" room
With pillows and couches and lamps
To mask the fluorescent lights

And doing it over and over

Or addictive medication
That could tear your life apart
After only making it slightly better

So what do I do with these irrational thoughts?
Do I begin treatment that may ultimately make my life worse?
Or do I slowly come to terms with them?
Until they swallow me whole

Why am I so scared of death?
Is it the possibility of eternal life?
Or the idea of seeing nothing after my last breath?

What do you do
When religion no longer makes any kind of sense?
But
The thought of death makes you sweaty and tense?

What can I do to fix this?
When my anxiety levels are high enough as is?
Please, give me something, anything.

Just a few moments of peace and bliss.

I'm sick of this monotony

It's the same every day
Wake up
Eat breakfast
Get dressed
Walk to school
Same route everyday
Same couple walking their dogs
Every day

Get to school
Talk to friends
Same spot every morning
Go to class
Sit in the same seats
In same classes
Every day

Walk home
Same route
Same cars
Every day, just the same

Get home
Start homework
Sit in the same chair
At the same desk
Every day

Eat dinner
Take a shower
Go to bed
Still the same, every day

I'm sick of this monotony

Why is it so comforting to be in someone's arms?
To be engulfed by their entire being.
To be their entire world, just for that splt second.

Or to feel the warmth of someone else's skin?
While you know they're thinking of you.
And only you.
If only for a moment.

Why do I crave this feeling?
Is it loneliness?
Or do I just seek out warmth in comfort?
The comfort only someone else's arms can give.