I'm sorry I just kinda miss you.
It's been a long few months without you with me.
I wish I could have been over it as fast as you were.
I wish I didn't wake up hoping your arms are around me.
I want to be over it.
I want to be over all of it.
Every second we spent together
every time you touched me
I wish I could stop thinking about it.
I know "I love you" didn't mean much when it came out of your mouth.
It tumbled its way towards me, and I brushed it off.
Because I only say it to people, i do ******* love,
but you didnt care you hoped it would make me fall just hard enough so we could ****.
yet i took my time and said it went i meant it
well that was ******* stupid.
i knew from the moment we met youd be something to me
a close friend, someone to vent to on occasion
but never this.
i never thought i would spend countless hours thinking about you.
i never thought it would stop my ability to listen to my music
or even sleep at night.
i never thought anything of you.
and i guess that was my mistake.
well i hope you're happy now.
you got what you wanted
who was i to think that as a 17 year old id ever mean anything more to you.
how stupid was i to think that in your big busy world where you have yourself all figured out that i would mean anything more than a **** buddy.

I really hope you find someone that takes your breath away. I hope you find someone who plays Pokemon and would cosplay with you for anime  Boston. I hope you can find someone to write letters to and talk to at 3am when things are a little too quiet and you just wanna hear someone's voice. I hope she's into competitive battling, and loves to watch terrible movies. I hope she loves to walk around and just explore familiar places in greater depth. I hope you find someone who loves all there things because you deserve it. Because you are wonderful, and funny. Because you know how to put a smile on someone's face and how to make a hug feel like home. Your eyes are the prettiest shade of blue I've ever seen and quite honestly you deserve far beyond what you could ever possibly find. You are so kind, and compassionate that it amazes me how you've managed to not be jaded by all the negative things in the world. You still appreciate the smallest things and live life as if you're experiencing everything as if it was the first time. I just think you're lovley and your smile is the type that changes peoples days and I don't know how you could go through your day without realizing how  captivating you are. I know we didn't work out because that's not what life had planned for us but honestly I think you're one of the greatest "almost" I've ever had.

hia

Sometimes my mind get's filled with so many things that its hard to think straight.
These thoughts have a way of pushing out everything in my life until there isn't much left.
Sometimes it gets hard to see straight, and I feel like my insides are going to cave in.
Sometimes I drink too much too often in hopes numbing the pain will help get me through the day
And sometime things become far too much, way too fast and my head spins and my stomach swirls and my eyes lose focus and suddenly I don't know were I am who I am or what I want to become.
I'm not a people person.
I'm not friendly, or loving and I think far too much into everything to believe a word someone says.
Because of this I'm cold.
Because of this I make things worse for myself
Because of this I lost too much
Because of this I am what I am today.
No I don't love it
But one day I hope I learn to live with it.

I think the worst type of love is the one where both people are completely in love with each other. The love in which it’s not possible to love the other more, but for whatever reason, you cannot be together. It’s loving someone so passionately and not being able to do anything about it, because it’s just the wrong time. It’s losing a love that you actually had a chance to pursue simply because you aren’t able to. It’s the Almost Lovers that hurt the most. And that's what makes me think of all the things we could have done. All the things I would have loved to do. Like I want to do all the silly, cliché romantic things with you. I want to dance with you with no music playing, only the rhythmic beat of our hearts. I want to kiss you till my mouth feels numb, and kiss you in the rain. I want to sleep in your arms and make love at two in the morning. I want to run around a field with you chasing after me, and not a care in the world. I want to sing in the car with you, loudly and off-key. I want to laugh with you until I can’t breathe. I want to make out on the couch as a bad horror movie is being played on the tv screen. I want to fight, and scream, and have nothing but passion and love running through my veins. I want you to hold me like you’ll never let me go. I guess I just kinda really want us and everything that we may or may not me. More than anything I want the chance to discover what we could be.

so we’re not always perfect, and memories aren’t all good. But I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, more than anything else on this entire planet, and my mind may be a mess and I might panic far too much and often  and I find it impossible to put my feelings into words but this is how it is. And like If I could capture the strength of the ocean on a stormy day or the smoke from a wild forest fire surging through the mountains in words on paper with my pen I’d write you the greatest love poem the greatest love story there ever was because I love you in natural disasters and I guess there is no other way to describe it. Because when we kiss the earth shakes and a thousand miles away a large city on the west coast experiences an earthquake of magnitude 10 and for a second life and time as we know it stops and stands still. And god when you touch me a warning comes on television and suddenly there is a tsunami crashing down and washing away the whole town and suddenly I don’t care because with the waves crashing around all I can feel and all I can see and all I can think is oh my god he’s touching me and my nerve endings are on fire and my heart is screaming can you hear it? You must hear it because it’s pounding out of my chest and it’s pounding for you. A tornado brews in the middle of a thunder and lightning storm with clouds and rain and fog so thick I can’t see and I am choking and I can’t breathe and the thing is that I open my eyes anyways and I breathe in the storm anyways and I run around and splash in the puddles anyways and I let the wind whip through my hair anyways as I stand up, throw my arms back and laugh into the wind. Because I am so tired and I am so sick of hiding under the trees to stay out of the rain and carrying around a fire hose to fight the fires around me. I can’t stop the waves but why would I when they can just wash me away? Because I keep hearing stories about people I know and how they keep the doors locked and keep the windows closed and wait for the storm to pass. And I am so ****** tired of locking myself up and waiting it out. I threw open my windows and blasted open the doors and ran from my house into the mass that surrounds it. There’s a state wide blackout in California from the way you looked at me on our first date. People scream in terror and my heart screams for you. An active volcano threatens to erupt and there is a nationwide panic. And through the ashes burning and molten lava all I ******* see is you. Hurricane Katrina broke Louisiana but my god it did not break our hearts. Because I love you in natural disasters. Big, destructive, dangerous, terrifying…beautiful.

I just want to know whether or not you’re ******* with my head

If the words you’re saying

Aren’t just you bored or alone.

I want to know if I’m pretty,
I’m special,

If I’m something you want.

If I’m sensible,
worth it,
you consider me smart.

I want to know if your level of interest
Is higher than friendship,

If your 2am texts mean more than you’re high.

I want to know if there’s something more here
If falling is safe,
or I should be more insecure.

I want to know if you’re thinking

Of who we could be.

If when I make you smile and laugh

It’s not just cause I’m funny.

I want to know if we’re somewhere

Or going

Or possibly might,

I Want to know if that’s even a thing to be thought

Why do boys think it's okay to be so ****** all the time.

We haven't known each other long,
Yet I have all these silly feelings.
They are weird,
They tickle my tummy and make my head all fuzzy.
I think about you bunches
And it kinda ***** man

Now I have this sinking feeling in my stomach because you decided to get involved with **** that was NONE of your business. What the actual ****.

when you feel super meh because the boy you like doesn't really like you so you try and like other people that you used to like and its just kinda not the same.

-

-

bus rides
long conversations
bumpy rides home
cold leather seats
welcoming smiles
whispers and giggles
kisses and cuddles
all on a big yellow bus.
towering above passing cars
listening to the constant hum
as the engine speeds along.
sun streaming through the window
catching eyes with every turn

unfinished.
fall in love with the little things in life

i don't know why but the thought of just talking to you makes me like super excited, never the less kissing you, holding you or even touching you. I guess even though i do not want to admit it i really like you a bit and things are falling in a strange way at the moment but everything works out the way its supposed to, at least i hope so anyways.

and as the boat drifted
down that queer little
stream of tears
the wood rotted
fell apart
the young rower had to get out
at the nearing shore
pulling the measly
excuse of a boat
with them

the rower approached a man
where is the nearest carpenter
my boat can take me no
further
the man with his silver whiskers
glanced at the small boat
before nodding to the owner
i’ll fix it if you tell me
you story

and so the rower did
telling of the waterfalls
storms and near collisions
with others on the waters
over the passing years
well no wonder your boat
can no longer take it
if civilisation doesn’t want
a dingy in its fishing harbour
and as the rower took a glance
they saw their small boat
looked the best in years

and what is its name
the decaying man waited
for what wonders would fall
from the rower’s lips

Happiness

The worst part is
I know you lie to me
I just want the truth
To spill from your lips
Paint me red with the words I know are in your head
But instead
You decide to cross me out
In thick black ink
With what you think I want to hear
But I need to hear what you really think
And one terrible part of this whole thing is
You know I’ll stay
I’ll stick around
Because I’ve been in love
For so long
It’s crushing me
But I’m not leaving

“I don’t love you anymore”
Every time I repeat it, the words leaving a bitter taste in my mouth, dry leaves floating around my stomach making me sick and sadness in my heart and makes it feel like gravity is working overtime, even if we haven’t spoken in years I would never tell you that I don’t love you anymore, because I don’t over use I love you when I say it I mean every ******* letter, when I love someone they enter my heart my soul and never leave even when they do.

I want to teach you
The language of my hands
For they can at times
Be so very much more eloquent than I
More subtle than my sometimes clumsy tongue
Less prone to stumbling or misstep.

Every touch can be a poem
There are volumes written
Upon the lines of palms
Comfort in the creases, reassurance
Love, desire, solace, all find voice
Buried in fingerprints.

All that I cannot speak
In the space where words fail
Or have not the proper definition
Let my hands tell you
By caress or grasp
Variations of pressure or attitude
In perfect, silent eloquence.

That way, even the simple
Lacing of fingers twining
In knots of flesh and bone and nerve
Can be a conversation
Between our pulse
The unsayable become known
Described perfectly
As a slight squeeze.

no matter how tightly we are wrapped around each other. no matter where your hands lay on my body. no matter where my head lays on your shoulder. on your chest. I will try to pull you closer, and closer still.

we could be in the tightest of embraces. with my legs wrapped around yours like vines on a tree. my hair in your face, the scent of my shampoo filling your nose. your hands grasping the small of my back. I will try to pull you closer, and closer still.

I think neck kissing is the sweetest thing a person can do, other than hug you from behind and kiss you or morning kisses. It could be a major turn on to some people, but I think it all depends on how the other person kisses your neck. They could absolutely devour your neck and it could turn you on, or they could leave light kisses and make you fall in love with them so much more. Either way, neck kisses are the best.

A brush against my neck from your lips
The goose bumps left behind by your finger tips
You take my breath away
With every single kiss
Your touch is impossible to resist

I did not fall for you too hard yet
but i still have a bad feeling in tummy
from when we said we would stay just friends.
I think I feel upset,
because of how easily i could have pictured
falling in love with you.

I could have seen us watching our favorite TV shows together
and cuddling up on a cold day,
i could have see us getting too high together
and just because we were together it would be okay.

I could have seen adventures in the woods
and long walks along the street
i could see us acting silly
and climbing random trees

I guess i could see too many possibilities.

If you are unspoken for
I will shout your name,
sweep both of our
feet away– taking
us further from our steps
that no longer ties us
to the ground.

I can not promise you
an eternity of sorts
nor a promise of a short-lived
book, for I can not grasp
when time will lay down its
veil and expire sweet whispers

that will definitely go
unheard – muted
away in silence.

Though fret not, for
that day still looms
around distant horizons
eager to catch us.

All we can do is make it
last– keep away from
the setting sun and
hide among the stars
we chase.

Someday my footsteps may only echo here like empty hallways in a house that was outgrown. Our relationship will age like old floor boards in the kitchen that has seen time betray love, and life, and something burning on the stove.
We were burning baby, but we never saw the flames, we were like old newspaper in the fireplace on a cold day, our fire kept us so blind, we didn’t realize the ashes we were becoming, we couldn’t feel the temperature until we were already rotting flesh, we loved dying carcasses but it didn’t matter because we were only 18 and unapologetic for not being able to be perfect, for not being able to stay clean and pure.

But thank god we were able to accept what we were not willing to change in the moment. You wondered when we would have a picture on my coffee table, and I wondered when you would stop telling me about the girls who also held your heart. And sometimes your thoughts consumed you and sometimes I regretted ever letting you consume me.

But here we are, picture framed, frozen on a wall thinking “wow, has time changed” from early spring when we awoke Like early April flowers and now beg for rain to Quench our thirst in August, praying we can make it through another season with bruised rib cages and thinking it is in our nature to be wandering souls like eve and an apple resisting a world full of sin.

Could the winter be too harsh for us

Like Magnets, I Can’t Quite Leave You
We were lovers in a past life
there is no other explanation
for this pull I feel for you
that you feel for me
We always end up in each other’s cages
eventually
but never, do we stick
It’s like a puzzle piece with no ends to connect
But in some past life
we were lovers that made it
in some past life
you died for me
in some past life
you make coffee for me every morning
in some past life
you put a ring on my finger
in some past life
we died together
Yes
we died together
I can almost remember it
So goodbye
if I never see you again in this life
maybe I’ll see you in the next
And maybe that time
we will be more kind

a wrinkle
a time in space
i trace sharpie
across the lines of your face

we age this way
knobbed-knuckled
our big toes
pointing further from north

you wonder about the men you’ve slept with
about women who call lovers lovers
and think,
is one more too many?

pennies as worthwhile as bottle caps
speckle the jar of your body
i trace sharpie
across the lines
of your chest
sternum
sturdy
sunspots,
my speckled egg.

we build a home in a bottle
vibrate our distant futures
lock jaws and sing elvis
smoke **** and sing elvis
unhinge doors with bare paws
carve a bed
sift thru silt to mold our mugs
a bedsheet the length of your fingerprint
the floorboards doubled over and moaning

this house is a haunt
black cat & broom
fog rising thru the rug
the doorknob waits.

this morbidity