have you ever cried so much you've heard the trees swaying as if they were your only friends

they teach me algebra and biology
but all i need to learn are things like
how to make friends
how to fix a broken heart
how to get better
or how to plant a garden

sometimes i wish
my days were better than this

nothing hurts more
than crying behind your door
with your heart so torn
that you think of what you have done wrong
you ask yourself why
and you let out a sigh
but all you can do
is cry
and cry
and cry

my father
certainly isn't the best cooks
in fact, he's one of the worst
but when he does cook i sometimes do
try to pass by the kitchen door occasionally
because i love that look of him all greased with sweat and oil
it makes everything feel so real
it makes me feel like my father isn't just someone who wears suit and tie
fills cheques and comes home with pride
it makes me feel like my father is there, vulnerable and honest

my mother
is a woman with her thoughts all wound up
a mouth that always
speaks for herself and for others
and sometimes i hate the way she speaks because she speaks too much
and hate is such a strong word
but her words are just as strong
so strong that i fear one day
i might not hear those words again
because her daughter, like her,
has a mind like hers
with all her thoughts wound up
but unlike her
hasn't quite mastered the art of speech

and perhaps
her daughter's art of speech
is not being able to say her i love you's
but she tries, she tries everyday

it was a sunday night
when i missed you most
everything came rushing into my mind
all the feelings you had left behind
came back

so i took out my phone
and typed so many words
and then erased them
and then i typed so little words
and then erased them
my hands were shaking
and i cried so much
my screen showed your number
the number i was meant to delete
and i wanted to press "call" so badly
but i couldn't bring myself to it

that night
i cried till i fell asleep

and the next morning
with swollen eyes
i got out of bed
and deleted your number
even though i knew it would be rewritten in the night
for i can never forget you
for i can never forget us

they tell me they don't understand
but i tell them they don't understand love

my head is spinning
the curtains are moving fast
the ventilation is stale
everyone is talking
but there is no sound
i lay my heart on my bed
i laugh
i cry
i rip out all the photos on my wall
but nothing i do
not even ***** or pills
can make me forget you

everything was going so well
but my life just had to
fall
apart
again

you don't know
how much it
hurts
to wait for something
to wait for a reply
to wait for an answer
to wait for love
to wait for someone

to wait for someone
who would never wait for you

the first death i ever saw up close
was the death of my grandpa
and i still remember standing there
memories of him recollecting
and all i could hear was my heart pumping
my heart was pumping
my thoughts like a dynamite
my heart was clearly pumping
but his wasn't anymore

my mother carries a two sided heart
sometimes i hate her so much
because all she looks at is my sister
and sometimes i hate her so much
because her words hurt like heavy rain
and sometimes i hate her so much
because she does not seem to care
but as i start to think more
perhaps it's not hate my heart is filled with
but love and jealously
instead

the night you chose someone over me, my pillow case felt more pain it ever did before

when i told you i missed you, i meant it so so much

the day i told you to never bother me again, i wanted you to show up at my doorstep and apologize so badly

when you left me, all i could ever think about was you and only you

you probably thought i long forgotten about you but i was stalking you everyday

nothing made me happier when you finally decided to text me

when i told you i loved you, i wanted you to tell me you loved me too

i could die for you, but you've left me, and everyday, i still wonder if you ever think about me

because i think about you, and i can't not think about you

i love you not as a bestfriend but i love you as so much more, too bad you can't see it anyway

i remember the night i cried the most
it was yet another time you stood me up again
but i was far too tired to care

i remember i was lying in bed
trying to sleep

i remember scrolling my phone
our texts
our pictures
and our memories

and then i remember
seeing a photo of you with someone else

and my heart broke
my lungs felt like it was about to collapse
tears rolled down from my eyes
my vision was blurred
and i almost couldn't breathe

i remember crying so much
i remember telling myself to forget you
i remember deleting your number
i remember deleting everything
i remember trying to sleep

it's been seven months
and i still remember everything
no matter how hard i try to forget

the day you got a letter
with my heart poured out to you
i lied that i was drunk
because i wanted you to think
that you were in my mind even if
my entire self was filled with alcohol

it's so funny
because even if it wasn't the alcohol
i still thought of you
but maybe i just wanted you to think
i thought of you most
when i wasn't sober

we run from rain but we sit in bathtubs
we're afraid of commitment but we get tattoos
we sit under stars but we run from asteroids
we're afraid of love but we still fall harder
we constantly worry about the lack of sleep but we drink coffee
we tell people we hate them when all we mean is that we love them most
we drink to forget when in fact we remember more
and
we tell ourselves to never go back but we always end up running back to the people we love
the people who don't love us anymore

the trees
the flowers
the breeze
they think about you the least

you taught me how to fall in love
but you didn't teach me how to stop

there are days
when you wake up
and terrible thoughts flood your mind
the sky is empty
your bus just left
and your friends just don't care

but there are days too
when you wake up
and positive energy radiates
the sky is beautiful
you catch the bus
and your friends are there

and im starting to wonder
that if i think happy thoughts
will everything then be okay?

she dreams about boys
but wakes up with none

hello, poetry