Am I that see through?
Do you always know what's running in my mind?
Do I smile too much?
Do you think that's all there is;
Whatever meets the eye is all there could be?
Is that what I think?
Am I questioning you to question me?
Is the world spinning around or am I?

The vagabond needed a place to rest,
Let it find some comfort,
*Don't become home

Take me into you, mind and body alike,
Tired of this world, in your arms I seek respite,
You may shiver, of the cold within thyself, and my frigidity,
But still hold me close,
Believe me it's a necessity,
My bones may thaw, in the warmth of your embrace,
And if they don't, at least my tears may melt within you, some cold, aloof space,
You are the alpha and omega, the very breath my lungs inhale,
You are the rhythm in my beating veins,
Tired, of all the functions living entails
So hold me, love, let me be in your arms until time stops,
Don't ask me to move, keep me, just until the ball drops

I am your heart, I am your brain,
I am your balm, I am your pain

I am your confliction, I am what you abhor,
I am the keeper of your secrets, and of so much more

I am the racing pulse, and the throbbing vein,
I am the fuel of insanity, that oddly keeps you sane

I am the untouchable, that you know you want to touch,
I am the subject of your elusion, when you’ve had too much

I am your guard, that you guard yourself from

I don't know how to live without you,
I'm not saying it isn't possible,
I just don't know how

You came in quietly, no trumpets and drums,
But you made a stir, inside, where only silence lived,
I don't know how

You made me smile, you made me cry, happy tears too,
You made me believe, in goodness, in a mentality I thought had long gone,
I don't know how

You made my favourite song sound more melodious,
You wasted time, chasing cars, around our heads,
I don't know how

You told me some secrets, you began to let me in,
I messed it up, with glimpses of my filthy heart,
I don't know how

You showed me things, I'd already seen,
In a world, I thought only I was privy to,
I don't know how

You became an extension of me,
I became an extension of you, feeling your pain and happiness,
I don't know how

You made me believe we can be invincible,
From my strength, you became a strong weakness, but still a strength,
I don't know how

I should let you go,
I know we can't be,
I know it's ugly,
I know you care,
I know this life - is not one we can share,
But you gave me so much,
And I, just hurt you in return,
Sorry seems to be the hardest word,
And not nearly enough,
To sum up my love and repent

So all I say to myself,
I must live without you,
I must let you live too,
I just don't know how to live without you,
I'm not saying it isn't possible,
I just don't know how

And when you told me about all the things you love,
With mad passion in your eyes,
I fell in love with you

And when you shared your thoughts,
Too private for small talk,
I fell in love with you

And when you placed your responsibilities over your self,
Too demanding for anyone to fulfil,
I fell in love with you

And when you loved,
Loved a stray dog, affectionately working your fingers on his neck,
I fell in love with you

And when you hid your pain,
Masked brilliantly in your laugh, for no naked eye to suspect,
I fell in love with you

And when you sang Chasing Cars,
Humming, unconcerned with the passing traffic,
I fell in love with you

And when you told me about your day,
From the big accomplishments, to the tiny, gorgeous observations,
I fell in love with you

And when Ed Sheeran sang All of the Stars,
Thinking all I wanted was nothing more, than to see you walking in that door,
I fell in love with you

And when they told me how amazing you are,
People unexposed to even a fifth of your brilliance;
Privileged,
I fell in love with you

And a million other times,
In a thousand other moments,
Irrespective of intent,
Forever more,
I fell in love with you

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss*

You never breathe a word about your loss,
But every breath you take,
Reminds you of your loss;
And every word you never say,
Reminds me of your hurt

My embodiment of poetry,
I wish you'd let me see,
All the cuts and pain you hide,
I wish you would just be

Your life is yours alone,
Some times I forget,
My good intentions have often hurt you,
And I don't want another regret

Please hear what I feel,
And know that I am yours,
You don't have to be mine in turn,
I just want a share of your loss

You are everything,
That I have chosen to make you

I'll be your lullaby, when your mind won't let you sleep,
I'll be your blanket, when you're cold,
I'll be your home, when you're homesick,
I'll be your mirror, when aren't sure what you look like,
I'll be your shadow, when you need a quiet presence,
I'll be your shoulder, when you want a minute to rest your head,
I'll be your map, when you feel lost,
I'll be your music, when you want to shut everything out,
I'll be your drug, when you want to let loose,
I'll be your cloak, when you feel naked,
I'll be your smile, when you can't remember how,
I'll be your jazz, when you want to jive,
I'll be your door, when you need an out,
I'll be your everything I can be, I'll be

I look for you,
All day long,
In places where you used to be,
But you're not at them anymore,
Except in the goosebumps on my arms, on thinking of you,
Except in the tears that refuse to roll down,  much like you,
Except in the pages I've filled, with insufficient glorifications of you,
Except in my mind, where logic and thought have been replaced by you,
Except in my heart, that keeps me alive, but beats for you
I look for you,
All day long,
In places where you used to be,
But you elude,
And I find you,
*Only in me

I just want to tell you I love you,
Over and over,
Until your nerves know, that when they hurt, I hurt too
I know we don't know what tomorrow will bring,
But I love you, and here's the thing,
Tomorrow could be a bed of roses, or a basket of nails,
It doesn't matter,
I just want you to realise,
That if we face it together,
It'll be okay,
And a single sunrise, or a million to go,
As many as there are in store,
I want them with you
I love you

I'm lost,
In all the books I read,
In all the people I meet,
In all the songs I hear,
In all the quotes I save,
In all the pictures I take,
In all the efforts I make

I'm lost,
Desperately searching,
For an answer,
For a purpose,
For a life,
For myself

I'm lost,
Drowned by diktats,
And a disregard of them,
Drowned by the urge to please,
And by the conflict to not

I'm lost,
And until I find myself,
I'll remain lost,
In a variable you.

Why do sad things attract you?
Why do you look for a problem to fix?
Is there a healer inside of you?
Or is it your asphyxia you want to fix?
The hungry child, the hurt horse,
All you're looking for, is a cause
Something to channel this hurt,
Something you are allowed to cure,
Something that makes you smile,
Something that gives you a day to live for
You're not doing anything wrong,
In fact you're righting a whole lot,
But what keeps your heart fighting,
Maybe you've ignored a blood clot
Give some love to yourself,
It's hard most days I know,
Your heart so full of affection,
Sometimes with nowhere to go,
But pull out that guitar,
Practice your chords and scales,
Figure out the colours another time,
Watch the mixed shades, inhale

Where there was love,
Now there's a vacuum, it seems
And though I don't want to believe that,
I am holding on to something that isn't here,
And maybe,
Never was

The world around didn’t matter,
You didn’t matter; I didn't matter;

It was spinning around, noise,
It wasn’t clear, but it was
And it wasn’t clear what ‘it’ was

People were going about the motions,
Like these thoughts were not real

‘Can’t you hear them?’ I thought to myself
And I swear as I was thinking, I thought I heard you
I thought I heard you say, ‘I hear you’
But you didn’t. But it still feels like you did
But you didn't

It was spinning around, noise,
It wasn’t clear, but it was
And it wasn’t clear what ‘it’ was

The world around didn’t matter,
You didn’t matter; I didn’t matter

Words,
Could never perfectly sum up all that I feel

And then she decided to stop loving the nice people,
She began to prefer the company of the outspoken ones,
The ones she knew would hurt her,
Because the nice people, the ones that seemed too good to be true,
Usually weren't,
And nothing cushioned the blow when you didn't expect it

And she thought,
Maybe that wasn't the way to live,
But it was the way to survive

And then you laughed,
And then I laughed,
And suddenly that became the only way laughter existed

Every single day chronicled in my head,
How do I get you out?
I can't even seem to get out of bed
Every conversation, every laugh, every secret,
In my veins, omnipresent
I don't take you for a lover, my brother
I take you as my own,
An extension of I - an ego, a child
Tell me then, how do I let go?

Keep me away from the happy ones,
Believe me, I'll make them sad,
In their naivety and ignorance,
They've found a light,
I won't switch it off, for them,

And for all the things I'm rightly accused of,
Being a sadist won't be one,
And I do not want to graduate into it,
Let me be,
For their happiness, and my own

I have cultivated this person,
I have known this person,
And been on the receiving end,
Before I switched sides

For reasons you will never understand,
And have no doubt, I expect you not to,
Please,
Just let me be

Because this life is like the vast sea,
And I do not how to swim,
And the anchor keeping me afloat...


*Is you

There was a light, shining brighter than the sun
I should have basked in it, but I stared too long,
...And I was blind

Draw the line,
Draw as many lines as you wish,
But I suggest,
*Draw them in pencil

What did I do to deserve your hate?
I convince myself that's a language of love too;
You've been spoken to in that language for a long time now,
Perhaps, that's the reason,
Being a lover yourself,
You still resent the language of my love

Loss was inevitable;
Yours or mine,
Was mine either way

Ever so often
Do I find myself
Lost in you

My mind is in too many places right now,
Don't worry, you're with me in all of them.

I lost a friend and I lost a tooth,
The tooth had to go; the friend I couldn't lose
It was a wisdom tooth, with some decay,
It was a wise friendship, its strings began to fray,
The tooth couldn't be salvaged; the friendship stood a chance,
I chose to cut loose the tooth; cutting the friendship wasn't my stance
Like my tongue wiggles, at the place the tooth would be,
So mind tumbles, at all things my friend used to be

You say you love all those things,
Things I know you're very fond of,
And then you say you love me,
And suddenly I'm not sure you grasp what that word means to me

Oh, my little love,
All of 2 feet,
I leap across to surprise you,
And scared instead you weep!
It's just me, don't cry!
I take you in my arms
And wipe your tears dry,

Oh, my little love,
You hold on to me tight,
I scared you,
And yet in my arms you hide

A minute passes,
Then another,
You've let go of the embrace,
But now I need another

You forgive in a moment,
And flash your disarming smile,
I'd do anything for it,
And make it stay a long while

It won't stop for a minute,
It won't keep pace if you slow down,
I didn't need more proof of its insanity,
When I realised,
This world keeps spinning, around

Maybe I remind you, of the love you once had
Maybe I remind you, how vulnerable you once were,
Maybe I remind you, of things you forgot you could feel,
Maybe I remind you, of a wound you thought had healed,
Maybe I remind you, of the pain you ignore,
Maybe I remind you, of the insanity you escape,
Maybe I remind you,
Maybe I remind you, of everything you want to forget,
Maybe I remind you, of an old regret,
Maybe I remind you,
You are human

You are mine
Not a posession
But mine - an *extension

Your experience justifies your disbelief in miracles;
Your existence justifies my belief in them.

****** upon you, my love
My love - you did not ask for it,
You did not want it,
Though, perhaps,
You did need it,
You did not accept it,
You wanted it to die,
You needed it to survive,
But you did not see,
My love had just one destination,
Denied of its destiny
- it got lost

Watching you sleep,
Makes me feel rested
If I had my way,
Instead of you, I'd be tested
The tribulations you face,
That shouldn't be part of your fate at all,
They're mine as much as yours,
- As much as you are my all
Your eyes need sleep,
Your mind needs some calm,
Your body needs touch,
And I need to be your balm
When you laugh,
It's those moments that make my day,
When you are momentarily all right,
When moments are not grey
They say you can live your entire life in one moment,
And in moments you can know it all,
You are my moment of clarity,
You, standing there, standing right there tall

Eyes on the moon,
Fingers intertwined,
A near complete, peace of mind

You woke me up,
I was not asleep,
****! It was but a dream

I'm looking for hope, for a new direction,
I'm looking for a sign, a glimpse of salvation

I've wandered too long, but not too far, Knocked on all doors, except the ones ajar

Pride was an alien concept, once I knew what I am,
A void that has nothing to claim,  a life that's been a sham

I sensed the desire leave, the fire in the shadow fade away,
Living in the hopes of tomorrow, before I knew it, it was today

I'm losing faith, as I beg everyone to hold on,
I'm inching towards insanity, as my world moves on

The child is captive, somewhere in the corners of me,
I want it to be my captor instead, I want it to set me free

At one moment in time,
You loved me,
I could feel it,
For this lifetime,
That will be enough,
For me

*For you,
I wish the whole world in all its glory,
Basking under your sunshine

There's a deaf silence,
And traffic's passing sound
There's a loud noise inside,
And no one hears it around

There's a void,
And a gripping clench,
There's a weight on the chest,
And an unbearable stench

Is this that calm,
Before the proverbial storm?
Or is this the alpha and omega?
Where oblivion begins from

The creeping feeling,
Doesn't get shaken away,
The lighter moments are guests,
In moments they slip away

Take it away,
Take it away,
Take it all away now,
Take away the misery,
Or just tell me how

And in the end,
It didn't matter,
How much I love you,
How much you love me,
Heck it didn't even matter how I love you,
Or how you love me,
You're fighting your battles,
I'm playing with my demons,
And it doesn't matter how much I want to throw it all away,
to hold you close,
You are an unyielding force,
I'm a relentless addict,
And in the end,
Nobody wins

Love was never a choice,
Maybe that's why,
You could walk away,
And I still could not let go
When I call you my own,
How I can a drop a part of myself?
Letting go would be like cutting off a vital *****,
And one doesn't do that,
Even if they're on life support

No one has the same skin as you,
That rough yet soft texture,
The way the veins in your hands would surface,
When you held something gentle,
Or when you exerted force,

No one has the same touch as you,
When you shake hands,
Or when you touch a pimple and say,
"What's this?"
"You still look pretty as always"

No one has the same eyes,
That lit up when you laughed hard,
But always carried a weight in them,
Like the surface of the sea,
Hue-lit, but hiding a world beneath

No one has the same fat nose,
That gets fatter when you're angry,
And makes me want to pinch it
And then go for those boney cheeks

No one has the same smile,
That speaks many languages,
That comforts me, loves me,
Makes me weak in my knees,
Touches me, hurts me, trusts me,
And eventually... breaks me

Chiseled the rock, over and over,
A beautiful sculpture was to emerge,
Patiently carved, with diligent hands,
Only not to hurt the natural design

Carefully worded,
An essay, a story of a warrior king,
With spellbound pen and captivated heart,
Only for words not to fall short

Beautifully composed, melodious song,
With brilliant lyrics and music alike,
To soothe a heart, and cure a mind,
Only for playing at the right volume

But the rock stopped giving up its chips,
The essay stopped making sense,
The song lost its melody,
All to 3 words - leave me alone