Dear Violet,

This isn’t what you want from me, and we both **** well know that, so
I’m sorry.

For making you the true victim of unrequited love, because altruism comes at a high price, something we both know too well, and this kind of behavior simply won’t do. For once in my life, I must try and put these feelings behind me. Because I cannot express, what I cannot understand, especially towards you, Violet, considering your own sense of confusion. This was a world I never expected to find myself in with you. I’ve sat through dozens of your accounts of exactly what I’m becoming, and I’m well aware of what becomes of them. You’re a rare Violet rose weathering a storm, and all I can do is offer you shelter. But in no way shall I pick you, for if that were to ever happen, I’m afraid you’d instinctively wither away and die between my fingers, and I couldn’t stand to let that happen. I wouldn’t put you through that. But the heart is an animal solely restrained by the rib cage, unbound by the mind, and my bones are rather weak. My ribs would be worth breaking. My heart would, could be yours for the taking. But I need to make do, for this is the exact thing I just swore I simply wouldn’t do.

You'd forget me even before I die
But that's okay
At least at my wake you won't cry
If you ever find out about it
That is

I'll be "That Girl I Once Knew" to you
And that's just fine
Though I wish I had the chance to call you mine
Before I died

You once mirrored my happiness
But that ended soon enough
It's alright that I'm dead
Life's been rough

I hope you live a long happy life
You deserve one
Don't ever think of me again
Not even just once

I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold onto it and make sure it never changed.

It's like slowly suffocating from inhaling toxic judgment, lies and even worse, silence. Lonesome longing for what can never take place because naivety only happens once in a lifetime and after your glass heart shatters, the pieces become impossible to pick up. You have to sweep them up as best you can and the tiny shards left behind to linger in the corners of your memory, haunt, never to be forgotten. It is a slow bitter taste that stays on the tongue long after swallowing down the outbursts. It is the tears of pain from the thick smokey air you can cut with a knife.

Sounds good...they say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting...

Come and share with me, allow me to show you a piece of myself when I trusted another, and then a piece of me after that trust was broken, shattered. Come and experience the vulnerability, the body memories, intrusive thoughts, the isolation and hopelessness… and the shame! Imagine you have someone to walk with you, beside you, someone you have learned to trust and after  the two of you walk side by side for several long miles, you finally allow yourself to take off the mask and be who you are, you share pieces of yourself that you wouldn’t share with another, and you finally feel accepted.

Then, imagine one day that person is gone. Well, he is still there, but he no longer walks beside you, he instead chooses to walk on the other side of the street. But you don’t know why. Must have been something you did, you must have shown something of yourself that was too scary, too shameful. So once again you walk alone. Only this time, you are no longer searching for another to walk beside you. Your trust has been shattered and you are no longer willing, or able, to reach out. You realize now that he was right. No one will believe you, or understand you, or even try. Because you are bad, you deserve nothing.

You must move on, be grateful for what you learned in this relationship. You are happy and safe now. You must be grateful for the wine and liquor that has allowed you some clarity, allowed your brain to function once again. You are not completely hopeless or unstable…you are an adult once again. The fact that you are once again living in silence of your true feelings, well, that’s okay now, because you did the risk analysis, and it is 75% less painful this way. And you have had enough pain in your life.

Focus on the positives! You have learned to hurt in solitude. You thought you had forgotten! Once again, it is so easy to hide your true feelings, and emotions, well, what are those? You feel smug realizing the recent validation that you were right not to trust, and you know now…you must be vigilant, stay guarded, and never let your walls down. No longer does the scared and broken little girl exist, this is the “NEW” you…she is gone for good this time.

People are not like dogs, dogs are always loyal, always accepting, people will hurt you if you give them a chance. Do not ever turn your back for there is always someone lurking with a sharp knife. Lie, lie, lie…if you HAVE to cry, and I suppose everyone does at some point, do not ever cry out loud! Keep it inside…hide your feelings! No one should ever see your tears! And smile, don’t frown or act depressed...those traits show a lack of confidence and weakness…remember: you were designed more for public than for private.

Hope for nothing more than what you have…do not hope for love, intimacy, for someone to care…not about the ‘real’ you. Keep the real you in ‘solitude’ never to see the light of day, this is the only way you will survive. Sweep up the bits and pieces of yourself, and carefully put them back into the box and store the box in the darkest corner of the closet. Show no one anything personal about you, not the real you. The past no longer exists. You are a confident, successful, happy woman…and that’s all anyone needs to know about you. Keep the rest to yourself…didn’t I tell you that, like, over 30 years ago?

Forgiveness...sounds good...they say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting...