He's one of my bestfriends,
And has been for years.
I love him to death,
He's like my brother.
Tonight I think I broke my brothers heart.
He said,
"*****, I'll cut you."
Jokingly,
A light-hearted conversation we had going there.
I responded with,
"Why would you cut me? Don't you think I do enough of that myself?"
After I had sent the message I wanted to take it back,
But I couldn't.
He sat there for 10 minutes without replying,
And then finally said,
"I thought you had stopped doing that..."
I had stopped,
For a while,
But I keep relapsing.
I tried to explain how I was trying to stop,
That it was just hard,
And these things took time.
He called me up,
And was crying.
He said,
"Please dont die."
I asked him what he was talking about.
I told him to calm down.
He responded with,
"How can I calm down,
At a moment like this?
How can I stop crying when my big sister,
A girl I love to death,
Hates herself to the point that she does that?
How can I stop when I know that every time you do that,
Theres a chance of you not waking up in the morning?
How can I calm down,
How can I not worry,
When you're the one who got me through that,
And I cant get you through it?"
By that point in the conversation,
I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe.
And then he said,
"Please don't die.
I love you too much.
I'd miss you too much.
I'd go back,
To what you're doing now,
Or I would die too.
So please dont die."

What he said tonight opened my eyes.
Its a scary thought...
What I'm doing,
It doesn't just cause pain to me,
It causes pain to the ones I love,
And it risks losing all of them in the process.

my delusional mind has committed vacancy
for not quite a while, yet i've grown dull of it.
three to four years ago i was always thinking
don't get me wrong, i think twice as much now
but not like how i used to, just empty thoughts.
i've had people come and go, renovating areas
leaving permanent fixtures
that unfortunately, cannot be replenished
i just hope for a full remodeling someday
a new outlook on this whole forsaken catastrophe
mistakenly, im just lucidly dreaming
a thriving desire of mine that's too good to be true.

- m.n.

I help you through hard times, as you do I
But you really don’t know how much I hide
Even though we are the best of friends
I really don’t think you can understand
I can’t bear the hurt, I can’t stand the pain
A feeling of numbness I can’t explain.

This is a life in which I walk alone
Full of hope shattered and broken
Always angry for no reason at all
Constantly wanting to end this brawl
Fighting with myself again, and again,
Sometimes I want this life to end

Mom’s depressed but chooses to hide
Takes out her anger on those by her side
Doesn’t understand I try to help
She shuns me out, and hates instead

Grandma’s enduring an unstoppable fate
sickness has gotten her on the plate
Its sad to see such an innocent person
Become another cancer victim

Too many friends are hurt as well
Thinking that their life is hell
Too many friends wanting to stop
Thinking suicide is the only option

But inside me is the worst of all
I don’t know how long I can stand tall
Memories of happiness are shooed away
But horrible twisted thoughts to stay

Nothing I do can make her proud
There’s no silver lining on her clouds
I’m a rainstorm filled with dark black skies
And a haunting rainfall full of lies
I only wish I could make her see
I’m trying hard so I can be
Someone she that can trust and love
Instead she tells me I’m not good enough
Everything I do is a wrong decision
She constantly tells me I’m not living
The path that she truly wishes I’d take
But I’m only one big mistake
If I could I’d erase myself from here
I wouldn’t have to live this fear

I also wish I could be skinny
And always happy, fun, and pretty
Instead I look at myself in the mirror
Disappointed in the reflection that appears
It’s hard to live when you don’t love who you are
Wishing that you could change it all

Every day I make a mental note
How much would I miss, if I decide to go
And how much hurt makes me lean towards the edge
Is slowly creeping up the hedge
How much longer can I last?
Before my life becomes one of the past

I remember when I met you
you were different to all of her other many boyfriends
we could talk about the things I liked
you liked them too.

Months after you and her had finished your chapter in life
you stepped into mine
you dazzled dizzied bewildered me
showed me that it was alright to like the things I did

You wrote poems
you made me feel special
I thought that you liked me
the way I liked you

Then you left for what seemed a thousand years
the night I found out about your new girl I didn't cry
I remained content until an excessive amount of alcohol brought out all the feelings
the words spewed out of me
the same way the varied assortments of drink would do later that night

We still spoke on occasion
we shared an embrace or two when we accidentally met in the street
I was still crazy about you
even though I was aware that you were crazy about her

You ignore me now
we don't talk
you cast me aside
like everybody else did

I think of you a lot lately
but not in the way I used to
If I ever had the pleasure of speaking with you again
I would remain silent
I have nothing to say to you

The only things I have are the memories of you
the arguments
the embraces
the exams

It's all over now.

I understand that everything I thought we had was all in my imagination
when you said you loved me you didn't mean it in the way I did
but I can't be with anybody else because I feel as if it should be you
I'd like to say you ruined me but you didn't
I've ruined myself
I'm so used to being in a state of heart break that I will put myself back there in order to feel comfortable

I want to forget you
in the same way that you've forgotten me
thrown me away
left me

I hope you never find out how much I cared for you
because it's embarrassing for me
I can't believe I ever felt that way about anybody
I let somebody through the hard exterior that I have
I pretend I have no emotion but you made me vulnerable
I let you in.

Love Story

This is a love story of a different sort,
he was a ******, she was an escort.
He had the night off and feeling lonely,
eating his cheese, crackers and pepperoni.
Called a girl he once knew,
she is an escort, and making her debut.
She was there in an hour,
she was fat and he had no flour.
She told him fifty bucks, and I'm all yours,
she barely fit through any of his doors.
He said, I never knew you were a *******,
she said, I didn't come here for you to prosecute.
No, no he said that's not it,
I miss hanging out, I must admit.
They talked all night, and she charged no money,
life is strange and even sometimes funny.
They both quit their illegal jobs,
every night they would make love like Gods.
After a week they got hitched,
it was like together, they got stitched.
She found a job at a bank,
he started driving an oil tank.
She exercised and lost some weight,
he said, **** baby you look great.
They lived a happy middle classed life,
but very happy as husband and wife.
They had a baby, then another,
he was a good dad, and her a good mother.
They were living happily ever after,
till he died falling off a very high rafter.
Turned their lives into shreds,
no more stitches, broken was the threads.
After a while they moved on,
finally the numbness was all gone.
She hooked up with a new man,
kids chopped him up and stuck him in a can.
They didn't want a new daddy,
mommy got depressed and again became a fatty.

The sky was beautiful today. It was clear, blue, and it reminded me of you. The air was crisp, and cool. The breeze danced against my skin, like children at play. The ground hummed beneath me. It almost had a sort of musical rhythm to it. The vibrations moved through my body, rattling my bones, down to my soul. It was time. It was time to pay for my crimes. The ropes that were secured around me crushed me. Engulfing my chest and lungs. They made it very difficult to breathe. But I was not afraid. I looked straight ahead, she was beautiful. Her sleek, black body raced against the tracks. She was headed straight towards me and fast. But I was not afraid. Suddenly I had tears of pure happiness streaming down my face. I was going to be free. Finally, I could let go of everything. I was ready. As she drew closer I stared into her. Thanking her for the deed she was about to do for me. I thought not of the good nor the bad things I had done. Only the overwhelming fact that I was about to be set free. The horn of the train blew, the sound piercing my ears. It was loud, and harsh. But I was not afraid. I found the sound almost sweet. I looked up, for a second I swear, I saw your face. I smiled ever so slightly.
And then the humming ceased, I no longer felt the constriction of my bondages, no noise. My entire being relaxed. I was in the quiet dark, yet I was not afraid.