a feeling i've fallen in love with.

a feeling that has grown comfortable.

a feeling, pardon the joke, that i can feed.

i can feel myself shutting down again.
i can feel myself getting quiet.
i can feel myself closing off.

this is where i take control.
this is where i do something good.
this is where i start making changes.

but when will this stop getting in the way of my life?

a gallon of water
and mint gum
makes me feel
more in control
than a blade ever did

math made me cry in third grade.
i hated decimals and multiplication
and sitting at a desk.
i didn't know what a calorie was.
what would my younger self say
if she saw me counting every one?
i wouldn't have the heart to tell her
that the only way to tell between
a good day and a bad one
was the numbers

and all i can feel is pride,
because hunger
gnawing at your stomach
feels like such beautiful,
validating praise.

'but for what?'

for the voices.
for the calming whispers
that sound like friends.
it's easy to ignore the hunger
when they're all you can hear.

just a little longer.
it feels safer this way, doesn't it?