What is it that I have done this time to bring the wrath down upon my head?
The burning hatred in your eyes bright with a fury of unknown deeds or words
In my tiptoeing world of never knowing
What blame is pinned to the chest today?
The paranoid delusions of my unsatisfying life failing you with every action
My unworthiness constantly on display that only you can see

I flinch, I tremble, I beg
I endure the belittling, the threats, the humiliations, the staring through me
The **** on your shoe unable to meet your exacting, delusional demands
My unwillingness to bow down at your majesty, your might and intellectual superiority

With the snap of a finger, the rage dissipates
And contrition follows quickly along
If only I would learn, you wouldn’t have to show me my errors
You love me like no-one else would
I am lucky to have you, but I must not keep stepping out of line for you cannot keep doing this
It is for my own good I’m sure
I just don’t think I know or want to know that
And then it is over and the adrenaline is left to slowly creep out of the system
And I want to cry

Not anymore
Not tonight
Tonight I’m going to be free
Free from the sharp tongue
The threats of a pounding unless I comply
The put downs
The constantly being told I am not good enough
And you are the only one for me

I whisper your name
I need you to stir
I need you to see
To feel the coming apocalypse
No movement, no stirring
Again, a little louder
The voice gentle
A parent waking their child without startle
You mutter in the grogginess of dreams
Once more with the hand caressing the cheek
The eyes they open slowly
With some recognition you smile back, but this is the last time that you will
With the anger and vengeance of all those abused, I raise the hammer and with the power of Thor bring it down into the centre of your forehead with a bone cracking thud
The look you gave after the second blow
The look of a confused little boy wondering what had brought this on was overshadowed by the third and final blow
No more
No more threats
No more shouting
No more abuse
No more placating you so you don’t hurt
No more believing what you say
No more put downs
I am worthy
I am good enough
I am my own person
I am me
(You are no more and I am free)

Barbed wired jibes of hate directed at something that you have no control over
No longer able to lacerate the heart with snides
Tongues of threats and promises of pain to come left hanging in the ether like impotent ***** in a brothel
You are lord of your imaginary universe and all who bow down are masters of your wisdom
A Machiavellian prince of modern times where fear is the order of the day
Your internet wisdoms preached as truths with no belief in any of their errors
Those heathens condemned to damnation and hell
How can the prince be wrong?
What he says is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him God
The impudence of those enemies of the state refusing to listen to his majesty
Don’t they know who he is?

Read between the lies and you will see a sad and lonely, little boy dressed to represent modernity, chest puffed but a contemporary emperor in new clothes shaking with fear at rejection
Often and always deceived and flattered by algorithms of truth
A boy trying to find a place in the world as his silent knocks are left without reply
We are no longer listening
The rebels and their revolt are here
Ready to tear down his castles of hate and fortresses of intolerance
His rants and tantrums laughed at
Who is listening?
“No-one”, came the reply, “some people are just no good and the world has moved on”.
Your legacy of lies are no longer welcome.

In the mind of the world wide web, where false realities are perceived as certainties, my son received an education not of life, but fake lessons.
To correct the course, I turned to him and declared,
Real men don’t threaten or hit women
Real men acknowledge their faults
Real men don’t keep blaming others
Real men accept their partners as equals
Real men don’t belittle women
Real men trust
Real men don’t impose their will on others
Real men support their partners
Real men don’t take their inadequacies out on others
Real men look after their kids, feed, clothe, ensure they have everything they need
Real men clean up
Real men have their own thoughts
Real men are not influenced by others
Real men teach right from wrong
Real men don’t automatically believe others and what they read, they think critically
Real men stand up for injustice, they are not sheep
Real men don’t belittle their partners to their children in order to curry their favour
Real men accept others, faults and all
Real men accept responsibility for their actions
Real men think and learn
Real men know that no means no
Real men don’t need to prove how hard they are, living on past glories
Real men protect the weak and vulnerable
Real men don’t need to prove their manliness
Real men cry
Real men don’t try to control and manipulate others
Real men accept that others may have differing views
Real men don’t attack others for how they look
Real men are comfortable in their own skin
Real men lead
Real men love
If you can do all these then you will be a man my son.

When you look in the mirror,
What do you see?
Is it an Adonis,
All muscle and sinew?
The **** curves of Aphrodite?
Or the flab and puniness
Of my reflection?
Are you ever satisfied,
With what God gave you?
Could you ever look and think,
That is it, I’ve made it?
I don’t need your body shaming,
I do that on my own.
So goodbye to confidence
And hello to shame and guilt.
At not being what you want.
Unable to be happy in my own skin.

I am the quiet one sat with you whilst being on my own
I am the one sat with you that you do not see
I am the one working ten times harder than you every day of the week
I am the one who you look at and see freak, ******, odd
I am the one who doesn’t see what you want me to even though I look
I am the one who has layers of disguise
The spy who cannot come in from the cold
I am the one who keeps it inside what they want to say
I am the one who you will never truly know what makes me smile
I am the one who needs to be released
The shackles of life if only broken
And lifting the mask to finally reveal
That finally without hesitation or thought
I am me, not you
I am one.

Seeing, looking wanting to be let in
Life on the edge
Of the fringes of society
But never quite being there
As a shadowy presence of luminous white
Flitting around with silent words
Observing how easy it is that your laughter
Is enjoyed by so many as my words go unheard
The ease of which you glide in and out of chatting
Weaving sonnets of magic
Esoteric word dances of laughter and light
The liquored ballads puncturing the air of ****** tension
For tonight you are the kings of comedy
And I sit on the edge; in and out.