One moment you're alive
The next you're not
You never know
When you're reaching the end of your line

It could be moments away
Closer every second
Death reaching her cracked hand
To cut the string
That defines your very existence

We never know when we will die

I’m out of place
I’m out of place
I’m out of place
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
They judge me
They judge me
They judge me

I don’t belong.

I sit while they rise to receive communion
I rest with my sins as they consume His Body and Blood
There is truly no hate like Christian Love

My teacher makes me stand
And I’m forced to explain
As I’ve been forced to explain
Since I was 11

I’m out of place
I’m out of place
I’m out of place
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
Do they judge me?
Do they judge me?
Do they judge me?

I can’t see why not.

I recite my prayers
In English and Latin and Spanish
And lie
And lie
And lie

I am a monster
Among these saints
I feel so guilty
I don’t share their faith

I’m out of place
I’m out of place
I’m out of place
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
I don’t belong
I hope they judge me
I hope they judge me
I hope they judge me

I don’t belong.

I miss his golden brown eyes
Alight in the sunshine
Sparkling with traces of light

I've cried over those eyes
Whispering,
"They glow"
Tears dripping salty and bright

I can't cry until nightfall

Not until the sun has set
And my family lies asleep

I picked up the phone
Ecstatic to hear from you

But the sobs that echoed turned my joy to stone

You begged me to come get you
Said you couldn't go home

So my dad and I jumped in the car
Hurtling through the dark to find you

And thankfully we did

You didn't say much as you climbed in
Only tried to stop your tears from flowing

You were quiet
But at least you were there
And not standing on that streetcorner
With nobody to call

People tell me they love my curls
They're messy, frizzy, and spirited
Never tame or smooth
They remind me of myself in that way

It's funny though
How people love my curls
Until we have a dance
Or a concert

And then
The straightening requests begin

They always do

Almost as if
My hair isn't fit for a fancy event

No matter how much gel I use
My curls don't cooperate
The same way others' do

Does that mean they shouldn't be seen?
Should my curls be crushed with heat?

The older I get
The more it's starting to seem that way

I work so hard
To be enough

And I'm tired
But I'll keep going

Because it makes me worthy.

I am worthy
When I pass out from exhaustion

I am worthy
When I've worked myself dead

I am worthy
When I win the award
Or get the part
Or beat the rest

I will be worthy
When I can show the world
No matter how I appear

I am not a bumbling fool.

I will not be ridiculed again
Or have my intelligence questioned

I am capable
I have earned this place
And nobody
Will make me feel lesser than

I won't let it happen again

I text your friends
To check in
To make sure you're okay
Because I'm not there anymore
To do it myself

And you won't text me back

I sound like a concerned mother
Or a stalker
And maybe I'm a bit of both
But I miss you
And it brings me comfort
To know you're still there
Even if you'll never be there for me again

I used to have to sit down and make myself write
Now it comes as naturally as breathing

Ideas churn in my head
Spilling out when emotions get high

I have so much to write about
And I find it so relieving

To see my feelings typed out
In dark black ink on a page

I can understand them better that way

Poetry filled a hole I didn't know existed
And I am now a complete soul

I made my bed
And it looked perfect

But now that I'm laying in it
I hate it so much.

Someone get me out

I know it was toxic
We all knew
But it was home

Each insensitive joke
Became a reminder
Of our love for each other

I'd hear the foulest things
And I'd stare in horror
But I miss it

I know it's "better" here

There are no slurs
Or racist remarks
Or **** jokes

We are quiet & polite
We are model students

I'm with more "likeminded" people
But it feels wrong--
Like I'm walking on glass

I miss my home

It wasn't perfect;
But it was real

And I want to go back

My favorite song
Has been tainted
By your filth.

Its silky words
Have been texturized
With memories of you.

It hurts to listen to
Knowing I used to sing it
And picture us--
Picture us happy!

Can you imagine that?

And now,
It's a reminder.
A reminder
That it was only fantasy.

That picture stayed on the wall--
Hung in a frame of my desperate love.
An image of my dreams
That never got to live.

An image of "togetherness"
That never truly was.

Why must it be this way?
Why must we go in circles forever?

Because every time
You call me hot
Or say you love me

My heart forgets.

Each time
You reach for my hand
Or trade shoes with me
I wish it were real.
I believe it is real.

And then I remember
This is just how you are.
You're flirty;
Charming;
Intoxicating even.
But you don't mean it.

You'll pat my head
Or hug me in the rain
Without feeling.

But in those scarce moments
I can't help from hoping
That maybe
Just maybe
I'm wrong.

Maybe
Just maybe
You feel the same way.

My heart no longer skipped a beat
When I saw your name light up my phone.

Because I knew.

Finally;
I knew.

That you will only hurt me;
Again and again and again.

And there is nothing
I can do.

It is so much easier
To hurt someone who loves you.

Your words can break them in half
With ease.

The smallest dismissal,
The littlest sign,
Of discontent

And boom
They're:

S
  p
    i
      r
        a
      l
    i
  n
g
­
Or maybe that's just me.

I know I'm too good for you;
You say it yourself.
But I'll never truly know it.

I know you don't hate me;
You say it yourself.
But I will never
EVER
Truly
Believe you.

In case you didn't know,
I really did love you.

And in case you haven't heard,
You hurt me terribly.

And in case you didn't realize,
You're hurting me even now.

And in case you don't care,
I can't say I'm surprised.

Just thought you might like to know

Oh, one last thing!

In case nobody taught you,
It's not okay to use those who love you.

And in case you ever read this,
Just know I still do.

What happened to you?
Tell me, please;
Let me hold you again

What happened to you…
Where is the boy I love?
I need to hold him again

"I would genuinely cry
If someone could name
Just 10 things they love about me"
--Wedged deep in your reposts
On your secret alt account

I stared at my screen in despair
Because holy ****

There are hundreds,
Maybe even thousands,

Of things I love about you

And I know
You'll never believe me

"I don't love him anymore"
I say with conviction

So then why does it sting so much
When I hear about him with her
See his "I miss you" text to her

And remember

That that could've been me

The storm crashed
The thunder raged
The lightning crackled

But I was safe
Safe in your arms

The wind swirled
And my body dripped with rain

But I was safe
Safe with your body against mine

Your friends stared
Maybe they snickered

But I felt loved
Loved as the storm crashed around us

That old Spanish test
The one we both failed
Was a reminder

We discussed it in hushed whispers
Outraged at our grades
That paper served as a reminder

A physical item tracing back to a true memory
A fragment of the glorious past
A reminder that once it really happened

I hate sharing what I consider true vulnerability with my family
I’ll tell them I failed a test
But never how insecure I am
My mom thinks I’m this glowing confident girl
She thinks I don’t care about what others think of me
Care about boys
Or drama
None of it
In her mind, I am secure and mature
But I’m not
I hate myself so much
I hate my flat chest
My unruly hair
My wide nose
My skinny body
My red hands
My huge ears
My uneven eyes
But I’ll never let them know
I’ll call my sister beautiful and pretend her prettier face doesn’t make me squirm

I’ll keep my vulnerability hidden from them

A yearner
To yearn
How would you define?

A cry sweet for love that seems quite so benign
Or a soft spoken whisper you’ll never confine

A wave in the ocean that tumbles and churns
Or a hot summer day that continues to burn

A sunflower turning its face to the sun
Or a butterfly fluttering about on a run

All these descriptions seem vaguely discreet
Because true earnest yearning is quite obsolete

The yearners have lived and the yearners have died
And those of us left are beginning to cry

Say it again, please
Let those words trail from your lips one more time
Tell me I’m beautiful
Tell me I’m smart
Tell me I’m worthy
I need you to
I need to hear them
Even if it’s just once more
Maybe that will be enough
Maybe then I’ll believe you