She was all we had left of him... “was" a sullen reminder of her passing. Soon we would see the self proclamation of those who said they loved her . But only when she was bruised and beaten down . Her son's a brutal reminder of a motherhood she'd rather forget . Soon she'll be forgotten like the rest . They'll wear black and praise her name , reiterate her dance moves and leaving a space just in case , maybe she knew when those promises would subside , when the demons hushed as those around silently watched as she died . Each sentence riddled with past tense , you lost a sister,we lost a mother and a best friend . At some point , I had hated who she was , swore she was everything but human , but as time aged my mind I saw it all, the brokenness of her , but still she stood tall . She giggled through the torture,even tripped on her own words , made humour of her troubles, clashed her teeth to the next, her defiance a sight to relish in , as frail as she became no one could stop her dancing, glistening with pure wonder, she was everything. Worded within the beauty of torture , chaotic and derived from pain , she grew wings , even with blistered feet she flew again , cackling at the wolves baring her teeth at our sympathy, I knew she clawed her lungs for her last breath , broken and barren we still rejoiced in her absence, licking the dregs of our tears , feasting off our grief , we danced through the night .. barely mentioned the reasons for our gatherings , we swore at the stars , praised a God we'd barely believed in , kissed our teeth to class of wine , clogged our lungs with memories, today we danced with acceptance, tomorrow our feet will hurt with reality. Time will  scan our misfortune, conformity dwelling at our feet , we'll sing of your memory, Even though though we know that you're gone

Chaos was evident within her mind . Her words drunk off a poison she had never tasted before . Her own existence was stagnant. The dancefloor riddled with uncertainty, she had lost her groove,only those around barely even noticed . Her spine had switch directions leaving lying flat on the dancefloor, she fumed with anger as she hated the pity within our eye. Though she listened to our music with understanding, since she knew all we did was care , even if that meant till the music ends , soon enough she swayed her hips to the new rhythm she had been dealt, staring into the oblivion of her end . Still anger burnt within her eyes when she stared into mine , forgetting the promise that she made , our faces glistening in gold as we swayed to the new song we shared , acceptance settling within our hearts
But still with our hearts broken , knees cracking ,calves swollen with exhaustion, tears rolling down our faces ,she whispered with such glee, let's have our last dance again

And grief had chewed its way through my skin
Ripping the walls I had tirelessly built apart
I was dying , simply because you had died too

I had grown so viciously accustomed to the  ignorance hidden within the history of my chrome heart
I had ventured off into palaces of sexuality , learning a new form of expression
I had fed off the uncertainty of acceptance for those of my kind
Those who so innocently learnt of what to do but never with who
I had wondered if the words kissed at my teeth,were to tell the tales of my ***,would people run or would they embrace me with my celibacy
I was 17 many had tried atleast more than a hug
A sweet caress between their thighs as they gave up what I'm so constantly trying to hide
Maybe I had bruised my body so much that I had convinced the uncertainty in my mind that I am still a women
But was I enough of a women to sacrifice my women -hood for a hood I barely even fit into
But I've held the barrel of my virginity and swung it in the eyes of temptation
I have worked hard to build on my purity
But is it even mine

I wanted to glue every part of me to you
And dance with the devil you had become
I wanted to feed off the pain in your eyes
As you cried rivers of bloom
I wanted to be your spring
An everlasting flower loitered with thorns
I wanted to feel the beat in your chest
And match it's rhythm to mine
I wanted to be yours in every form of the word
I wanted to paint onto the blankness of your canvas
And ruin the innocence dancing on your tongue
I wanted to burn the engravings of my name on the nape of your neck
I wanted to kiss at the scars I made
I wanted to caress the coral on your cheeks
And watch your smile fade into pleasure
I wanted you to want every burden bruising your shoulders
I wanted you to fade into the distant thoughts of others
Yet vividly lust at the thought of being mine
I wanted you to be mine
I wanted you to cradle at my yearning
And feel all that I feel for you
I wanted you
I wanted to graze my teeth on the layers of your skin
And read between the creases of you eyes
I wanted to learn every twitch of your thumb
And trace it's skin on my lips
I wanted to drown in your abyss
I wanted every single piece hidden within the creases of your eye
As your face creased with a smile
I wanted you to be mine , feel like mine , dream like mine , word like mine , walk like mine but with that unjustly sinking feeling I drown in the realisation that you could never be mine

I yearned for an eternity
A lifetime where it was only me
Where each fibre soaring in my lungs would finally breathe
Where humanity rested at my feet
I craved the feeling of utter destruction
The feverish feeling of everyone dying
But I was no GOD , no worthy being to rule the world

As I pondered,word for word ,
Broke it down to it's atomic pieces
Placed a microscope on the trenches of my skin
Questioned each phase , and  layered the meaning of it all , doubted my own existence and truely made a bed of my wonders . Had I truely forgiven myself.Had I killed at the pesticides hidden in my heart . Burnt my own flesh and truely loathed the skin I wore . Had I become the non existence of my worthiness, had I bled words of complete oblivion, chattered out a sea of revaluations only to pay them no mind, was I the question I had constantly asked and fed off the thrill within the answers . Was it over yet? The grief within my breathing extended my lifespan , the envy of those oblivious to the torture of time , Am I stuck ? Am I lost ? Was it ever really mine ?or was I just masticating at the thought of it being true , had I really fallen inlove with you