The hunt
The push, the pull
The heat of anger
mistaken for the heat of passion
A love not sweet nor sharing
A hunt with hurt
Mean for strength
For dominance
No true care
Ich liebe Dich nicht
A harsh emotion of obsession
Without a basis in love
Never to release and never to truly want
One last call before the great love
One more attempt to pull her back
One cruel time before the date
One last phone call "I think I might love you."
Give it up ******* - I have gone
No more chase.
I won the hunt.

Open and broad at night.
Cool air blowing through.
Lights from outside lick at the night air.
Hungry with concentration,
eyes stare open at the shadowed
ceiling searching for answers
which escaped the day.
Life is sifted through the head
resting on the pillow
turning over in anxious
cartwheels of what should have been.
Sleep and answers are lost
to the wild troubled heart.
Night's darkness does not ease
the ache of worries.

Just remember the bitter as a feeling
The sweet as a memory
The savory as a love
The salty as a mood
Perk yourself into being
Tasting all life's pleasure and pain
In large heavy mug
Held tightly in your grip.
Run your tongue over feeling, memory, love and mood.
Sink your head and let it perk.

Icy breath escapes his mouth;
No warmth found;
Only cold, dense words,
That make the heart hurt;
The chilled wind cuts not as bad.
Hope it hurts him to say
those things.
Even if it is just the cold wind,
chilling his lungs and beating heart
as he opens his mouth.
Don't be that way.
But so it is,
A chill, for a chill.

Spreading.
Letting it grow.
Feeling it burst from nothing.
Bright green cascades over reason.
World seeing its growth.
At first amazed then dismay.
Taking over
Climbing over
Killing life underneath by blinding
From light all below.
So huge all collapses beneath its weight
Just a thought left to grow.
Prune with reason
Feed with care.
**** anxiety from the patch.
Don't over-fertilize with manure.

Cuddle up tight in a warm blanket;
With pillows surrounding;
Christmas tree blinking at me in the corner;
Fire crackling in the fireplace;
Hot chocolate on the table;
Fun book in my lap;
Not enough of these lazy days.
Kids come through shouting;
Goldens jump up in my lap tipping over cocoa;
This is the chaos that I know.
Time to wrap the gifts, let out the dogs, and treat the kids.
Thoughts of reading tossed aside with my book's lost mark.

Not enough time.
The day passes
With all my chores.
You sit and brew.
My slight no notice.
Spite invigorates.
Things amiss.
Hid and placed.
Clutter my brain with loss.
Shame on me.
Add a search of hours
For things amiss.
Trick on me
As you sleep.
Replaced as you awake.
Shame on me.
Trick on me.

Tarry rain smell.
Washed streets and cars.
Bar with light bulbs hanging
in the windows glistening
through the rain drops.
People scattering inside and out.
Cracked sidewalks.
Music too loud drifting as
doors open and close
filling the busy night.
Too much horn,
Wails out calling guests.
The ***** smell of people
running past to get to the next stop.
Darkness falling with the rain.
Cars drifting among the crowded street.
A horn blast and a blink of lights.
Busy night in town.

Sharing with all.
Spill it.
Was it exhibition?
Just a lie?
Stripping the soul
Until none left.
One big story worn bare.
Just a party with none to spare.
Everyday lie spread far and wide.
Misplaced reckless thought.
Make believe gone wrong.

Fullness bloomed on my tongue.
Filling my person with a newfound purpose.
Never knowing that life could feel so free.
So open, so many possibilities.
Then melted no longer strong.
Needed another taste once again
To see the purpose
To understand my future.
To acknowledge my past.
The taste was needed to open the possibilities.
Never again would life move forward without
the memory of that first taste.
Others would never be the same.
Quest in life remained for the sensation
of the first fullness.

Drop in his arms
Feeling the security of love
Gaze in his eyes
Feel the music of trust
Hearts beat the rhythm
Close with no other
Hair nearly sweeping the floor
Swoop, I am up again
Swirled away and back
To his safe embrace
Lips tickle my neck
His hand runs the length of me
My forever
To hold the moment of perfection
Who knows how long it will last--
for this moment forever.

Just outside the window
Sitting on a limb.
Legs dangling.
So many possibilities.
To shimmy to the bottom
Or cross to the window.
Possibilities inside
More interesting than out.
Surrounded by fresh green.
The bark imprinting my hands.
The full moon staring down
With curiosity about the next move.
To shimmy to the bottom
And walk without the dare.
To go inside and greet the fate.
Breezy night brushing
Leaves against my arms and face.
Not so bold so I go.
The moon gently laughing,
Guiding me home.
Chance will come again.
Just not now.

Each day brings it closer.
Started as a whisper.
Moaning to a living known.
A struggle to face.
A fight that can not be won.
Yet belief in delay.
So much yet to be done.

Morning preparation for the big together;
Wonderful smells throughout the house;
Some remember that they did it all;
(But, they never really did);
Other's remember the warmth;
Grandma's house with all her love;
Captain Kangaroo before the start;
Mickey Mouse Club while we wait;
Children with hungry stomachs;
Waiting for the fathers to return
from hunting in the woods;
Mothers gossip in the kitchen;
The big together commenced with prayer;
Kids at the children's table;
Even kids with babies in high chairs
at the children's table as time went by;
Kids table became the envied table;
Chocolate cake for grandpa's birthday
celebrated at the big together
no matter the date, always last Thursday.
Men gathered with little care
As woman cleaned the mess clear.
The big together for another year.
Now, I have the big together.
Missing the kids table, I take a big sip of wine.

Ice Cream and sneaky kisses;
Fancy lunch in the vineyard;
Hearings from noon to eight;
Crying baby and unwritten brief;
Two crying babies and papers to file;
School parties and custody battle;
Dance competition and E.D. hearing;
Order of the Arrow and bar meeting;
Graduation and a glass of wine;
College and a phone call;
Medical school and a poem.
Grandkids and ice cream.

I followed the *****
Down to the cost
Never had thought
About the result
Until I reached the bottom
Once there I felt the regret
I wanted to go back
Wanted others to understand
All just a mistake, a bad call
No rope out  my deep fall
The ***** was deep and slick
The recovery unavailable
I caused hell for others
And was stuck there too
No redemption
No way out
My mother grieved
My father swore
No more home
Nope, done

Slowly making journey
Following downward
Dark and sticky
Molasses sweet mess
Mixing with butter
Cascading over bland
White bread
Mo lasses, mo lasses
Cried my sweet baby
'I want more lasses.'

Mischief lights within
Nothing known can be undone
Find me where I should not be
I invite you in my web
Put aside plan made
You will learn my way of play
I will show you astray
Follow me, my way
Learn I have no fear or mercy
Nothing known can be undone

Wild blueberries for breakfast muffins.
Green Kool-aid on Birthdays,
with green icing on homemade cakes.
Sticky homemade popsicles
and sips from gushing water hoses.
Tadpoles in jars.
Flyflies lighting the night skies.
***** feet pushing at pedals
To win the race.
Picking vegetables for dinner.
Swimming at days end in the lake.
Smell of grilling steaks on Friday night.
Fresh cut grass on Saturday morning;
Charmed with this.
The blessing of childhood.

Separate and apart outside.
Under the glow of part a moon;
He held me tighter;
With part a smile.
Maybe, please without a tease.
‘I love you’
With  night so fresh
with so much youth.
Nature stirs with part a thought.
Outside with part a heart.

Why have I forgotten
Is it to ease?
Why have I forgotten
Is it forgiveness?
Why have I forgotten
Is it punishment?
Why have I forgotten
Is it merely fate?

My dear first;
Want to cling to the good
But the bad keeps rising.
Fell asleep in your car?
Really?
Who were you holding?
Said yesterday was good.
Who got that day?
Seems all I get is crazy.
Like them, Helluva lies.
Excuses not even good.
Don't care enough to cover.
Goodbye, *******.
See you never.

Thought you were mean;
You said no more;
I was hurt;
So you pulled me back;
Not with passion;
But gentle caring;
It had been love;
Then it was guilt;
You meant no more;
But you were human.
You felt my pain.
Not cruelness.
Just helplessness.
You were done.
I get it now.

Her kind jade eyes full of love.
Her wrinkled hand wiped tears and swatted bees.
Her caring lips murmured soothing words.
Her arms reached round my shoulders.
Her heart so full of thought.
Her love for me without condition.
Her teachings not forgotten.
Her prayers for me heard by God.
Her house, my sanctuary.
Her sense of humor, full of youthful play.
Her spot now empty in the world.
Her wings now firmly placed.

Last of  daylight crisping across the sound;
Cooling of the powder sand;
Gentle little breeze across sunburnt cheeks;
The birds making one last dive;
White cotton shirts and flip-flops;
Closing of the pool and packing of the chairs;
Vacation gone as full moon rises.
Churning thoughts of things undone
Hit the mind with tomorrow's plan.

Tip my sunglasses;
Skim my hand across the blue;
Warm coconut bakes me;
The pages stick to my skin
Translucent with oil and water.
Print smears me.
A good book unread;
A good story unknown;
Lazy, hazy give a care.
Lost on a golden day.

I hate you
I hate you very much.
Yet we share.
The history.
Only you can help.
Only you know
The deep of my pain.
Yes, dear,
I hate you very much.

Dry with bliss.
Sensation without purpose.
Just a near miss.
A peak rising
amongst the clouds.
Sunshine blazing.
Warm sensation.
No acknowledgement
of below.
Vacation from despair.

Sunshine in the fall.
Happy fall orange and bright,
Leaves tumbling over playing kids.
Soft golds lighten the moods
With hope of gathering families.
Expectant mothers awaiting arrivals
in the spring with protective thoughts
of what will be.
Cool nights with warm cuddles.
Fall's happy gate of family time.

Wet above my lip
Sweat  on my legs
I stretch my arms above my head
I turn my face to the side
The itch is consuming as the heat
Hot summer thunder in the distance
The room is close
Surrounded by pillows and white bleached sheets
Let the time never end
Hold me closer
Whisper the secret of my name
Kiss me tender in the heat

Deep feeling in stomach's pit;
Growing with suspicion;
Knowing it is so;
Without actually seeing;
Faith in the goosebumps
of knowledge rising on my arm;
Because it is so;
Lick my lips;
Push back at the thought;
Only to have it surface again and again.
Ever growing, ever knowing.

Cinnamon and nutmeg dance in the kitchen;
Ginger and orange spring about the party.
The scents of holiday flood
and tumble past the kitchen.
Snowy clouds billow as the warmth
inside the house grows and glows.
Hearts are filled with thoughts of past
and candied future hopes.
The spice party glides and mixes with the mood.
Holiday punch to cover bitter thoughts.

Want more
Promise to heal
Stop the demon
Shake it off the shoulder
Sink the depths of loss
Heart is full of hope
Knowing all will leave
But tears in eyes
No turning from my wicked friend
Who stays alone with me
Claiming me as his own
Til death do we part
He brings me destruction.
No freedom for me
Test I will never pass
Can't brush it off.
Cease to care.

Birds sang outside the window;
Sun started to fill the room.
Urge led to shame.
What seemed easy in the dark,
seemed wrong in light.
Wrong choice.
Wrong one.
Take it all back.
Wrong morning.
Picking up the scattered pieces.
No evidence to tell.
Tight lip departure.
Close that door.

I see it.
Your face shows.
It is not the same.
I miss what was.
How did it leave you.
It is so vivid for me.
My heart trembles with the loss,.
I see it by the way you hold your chin.
So I drink more champagne.
No, I don't want food.
So, it is over.
My heart trembles with loss
As you eat a chicken tender.

Long nights dream,
wishing heart ,
Lost in thoughts of want.
Not worried about finding
the purpose
with the fullness of life lived.

Still sorely missed.
Daydreams about what might have been.
Pain is distant and so close.
A shard of glass pierces as my mind reviews
The glass is hidden in the years which dull.
The pain of the shard is new as first.
Sweet girl what should have been.  
Already you see my father.
My mother is watching for you with tired eyes.
Sweet Cate, treat them well.
You are old enough to care for my parents
With loving heart.
My years add for us to meet.
I will look for you when I join, but
Don't expect too soon.
I've my chores here to do.
Love you, Sweet Cate.

They are my reflections,
and I am theirs.
They share my losses.
They share my gains.
Share grief.
Share history.
My turtle heart no mystery
to my reflections
who are not quite the same,
but so similar.
They know the unspoken.
People mistake us for each other-
something we don't quite see.
They are my biggest competition
and biggest advocates.
I am one of three.

Just a drop of recollection.
Not remembered.
But forgotten.
A word misspoken
With no purpose.
Is it my lapse?
Has it struck?
Can I live
Without placement
With a mind that no longer
serves me, but wonders
to unknown.
Will I wonder without purpose?
All goals unknown and undone.
Just a lapse.
A lapse of what is.

Pull back,
Pull in,
Sink down,
Drown beneath,
Fear of future,
Evil fog rising,
To cover good.

Two sides
Neither so far.
Split by
Nonsense.
Spent by all.
Evil fog gliding
To cover the masses.

Spirit fled.
No more resources.
For a land so rich
Uncomprehending
Shutting down.
Command economy.
Evil fog lays waste
to profit.

Weak with approaching death;
My body has slowly surrendered;
Strained with remembering;
All the love over all the years;
Gather my loved one's prayers;
My wife's tears of hope which
I can no longer take.
We had each other, my precious girl.
My lips want to form a smile.
It was a good run.
A valiant victory lap  for someone
who had legs that would no longer move.
The wreath is still upon my brow
and will be placed upon my coffin.
But it was a good run.
I stayed as long as I could.
I love you, Carolyn.

There you are.
Misdirected part of life.
You glide into demons.
Smile with lack of concern.
Tight smile, the sign.
You dance with reckless move;
You sing maniac thoughts;
You act with disregard.
Triple threat ******.
Release me from your show.

Just one time.
Never again.
But allow it once.
Forgive me, God.
Maybe one more time.
My soul is weak.
I can't seem to stop-
Humble human that I am--
Forgive me that I am.

It pours over my head
Landing on my shoulders
Because you think I am strong.
My knees buckle with the weight
of your anger and words.
Take them back.
My load can't stand them.
You were my salvation.
My blessing, my cooling fountain
Now merely a volcano of emotion.
So sorry it ended this way.
Go home.

Sit in a pile.
Breathless and forward leaning.
Head bowed with thought.
Opportunity for quiet prayer.
No movement, just thought.
To be weak is to think.

Dark outside with a lamp above.
Moths bouncing against the screen.
Last of summer pushed with a gentle chill.
Lean against the kitchen sink
in front of the window
Smelling the heavy musk of fall death and
the smoke of the fire pit outside.
Clearing up the supper plates.
Sipping at a deep brown whiskey
chilled by cube of ice.
Listening to the mellow Rock of eighties.
Washing dinner dishes not a chore
But a religion of reflection.

Leaves being caught in the rain
Torn from the trees;
Falling on the road;
Steam rising on the wet bricks.
All in front of me.
A time when youth seemed
Like all I would know.
So much freedom,
Hungry life.
I would love to live it again.
Heart so full.
So sure of self.
To live such reckless beauty.
Toss my calm grace
For a moment of charmed energy.
Move over wealth of knowledge
for breathtaking unknown.
Fresh beginnings just a thought.

You knew it was gonna happen;
You could have been clean for this one day;
Why am I standing here beside you?
All it took was this one month out of six.
Your parents spent so much money and hope.
Couldn't you have faked it just a little?
You fake caring and saying you are going to stop.
You fake giving a ****.
You fake looking for jobs
When all you really do is fish and hunt.
You carry a gun and can't pass a *** test.
Joy and bliss for you isn't worth a ****.