Janna B

Janna B Aug 2021

Let me be free
from your emotional
highjackery.

From your
manipulation
of my life's situation.

Playing hostage --
is the price of your stability
the loss of my positivity?

This is a game of
important odds.
Our girls are not the prize
but the precious treasure
to protect.

Get yourself together
there can be no losers.

Just some thoughts again. My ex, struggling hard with his mental health and it impacts upon our girls. I believe he's struggling because I'm in a new and positive relationship. After 10 years of living with it every day, I need to be away from his depression , for my survival and to be a support for our girls. I just worry so much about the impact his health has on our children.

#mentalhealth #impactonspouseandfamily #gethelpearly #findthelight

Janna B Aug 2021

The cause

What is this stress
making my belly churn
my skin’s itchiness,
my pulse race?

Could it be from
the financial separation,
kids, career,
general obligation?

New starter to train,
bookweek costume,
book balancing,
bithday cake?

Oh wait, I see—
I can do these things,
all of these things,
with a smile and a grin.

It’s you, ex man (child) of mine
looking lost
that unravels me
too easily.

Just that worry about what he could do if he gets bad again. Thank God for his mental health support.

#mentalhealth #separation #impactonspouse #trauma #gethelpearly

Janna B Aug 2021

Thank you

Thank you
for cooking me dinner,
for sending me home with lunch for tomorrow.
For showing your love
that way.

Thank you
for the unfailing positivity;
positive reinforcement
of all of my progress —
my determined, honest progress,
in its mottled glory.

Thank you for the listening ear,
warm arms, big heart.
For takeout runs and chocolate.
For showing love and care
in all the ways.

Janna B Aug 2021

Undone

So, we signed on the line,
undid ourselves
a little more.

Each page autographed
in the matching spaces
we don’t share anymore.

The burst of sadness
came unexpectedly,
I’d been expecting this day after all.

Of course it makes sense
to grieve history’s dust
and that we succumbed to the fall.

Financial separation today, a solid step forward.

Janna B Aug 2021

Mother and woman

When you saw me
in the whole of my world,
as mother, daughter,
I felt deeply vulnerable.

When I became a mother,
a role that I cherish,
my husband got me mixed up with his own,
never touched,
emotionally vacated.

The thing is -
I’m also a woman.
A live, vibrant, loving woman.
A tactile, ready to laugh,
always trying, independent, woman.
And you see me.
What a relief.

Janna B Aug 2021

Meetings

You’re connecting with my children
oh what a lovely sight.
Laughing together,
holding hands,
cooking, being.
It both warms and breaks
my heart.

Warm for the care and instant rapport;
the light in your eyes - you’re in love again.
Sad that they’re hungry for it;
clamouring for it;
and that it didn’t happen
in the family unit.

Just expressing the conflicting emotions that can come with moving on.

Janna B Aug 2021

More

Is there more to lose
or more to win
now that the feelings
are deepening?

New insecurity
negates surety.
Must take time to find
that light in me.