Intuition,
what’s it for?
Pay attention,
it needs more.

Happy non-anniversary to you.
I marked it emotionally
but I forgot what the day was.
I marked it by
processing, tracking my progress;
taking a very rare breath to reflect.
I recognised the barriers still left,
looked at ways to overcome them.
You meant so much once,
and now I forget.
Happy non-anniversary
to me.

I couldn't live in that
suffocating, silent marriage
for so long,
without being damaged.
It's the wall that I bang up against
the wall of blankness, absent feeling.
I have days of wonder and beauty
but then
the feeling of sadness creeps in to stay.
How do I overcome, rise above it?
How do I stay over the wall,
instead of living in its shadow?
How can I connect and be alive
real, living, positive?
I want to keep seeing the sunshine
and I long for that.
What work do I need to do
to stay where it's warm?
24 May 21.

Spinning, all of the things.
Parental almost-separation, co-habitation.
Salvation?
Siblings and psychiatric hospitals.
Long, warm embraces with you.
Financial disentangling from him.
Baking, trampolines, mandarines
with my little loves.
Weekends snatched with you
tangled in sheets,
tangled in deep
conversation.
And an understanding -
that I'm reeling--
overload of feeling.

How deep is this love,
how mature will it become?
Will it flash in the pan,
decisions made rashly,
lives upended?
Or will it burn,
stoked by the twin flames
of friendship and desire?
I’m pulled slowly,
bitten nails clawing,
into the feelings of
buoyancy, trust,
positivity, possibility.
Are my nails clean enough?