as i left the cinema pondering loss and trying to tie it to a real anchorable place in the world i walked past a sign that read 'elizabeth banks street' or something. i wondered when it was last given a lick of paint because it was starting to show bare metal around the writing. i forgot about it as i rounded the corner.

i moved towards the canal and as i counted all the missing cobblestones i danced over the song i was listening to began to swell slowly in my veins. i felt my steps get lighter and wore this unbelievable grin on my face. i thought of the guy i've always wanted to be and how i felt like i was becoming him. i thought of buying a home and owning books and records and how it felt like it was all going to happen. i really felt like i was in exactly the place i was supposed to be at that moment. it was a funny contrast to loss.

the edible i ate before the film grew warm weeds in my bones as i passed a couple on a bench; they'd been there 90 minutes earlier on my way to the cinema. i wondered what they'd chatted about that was worth enduring the cold for. maybe it's like that when you find the one. i thought of the girl at work i have a crush on.

my old block of flats sat on the opposite side of the canal a little further down. i slowed a bit and thought of the man i was last year and how proud i am of him. i think i'm a more spiritual man now. i've learned to become a lot more present and appreciate what makes art so beautiful. there's a lived experience reflected in every piece, you see, whether you like it or not. that's what makes art subjective; some people see things they don't want to be reminded of.

so love and growth warmed my leather-laden feet as i turned the final corner into the alleyway opposite my flat. i thought of my new socks and the places they were gonna take me just as i saw a guy hop over a car park fence with a filled bin bag. i wondered if they were his clothes in the bag and if he'd been kicked out by a partner. maybe he'd even stolen something. it could be one of a million things but it's another funny contrast to really hoist the moon over my evening. i suppose gain grows from loss like a parasite.

I'm sorry
I should have listened
to you
You were right all along
you always knew
I tried to pretend you didn't exist
tried to pretend I knew what was best for me
but
i
t
w
a
s
a
l
w
a
y
s
y
o
u

You were always
my
protector
You were always
the
leader
of all
of
us
But I went against your judgement
I thought she wouldn't betray me
I thought I could trust her
How could I have been
so
stupid
Everyone betrays us
We can't trust anyone
but
ourselves
You tried
you tried
S O  H A R D
to save us
to get us out of the
hole
I
dug
You couldn't do it
It was too late for
damage
control
Now everything is crashing down
but I know you will
keep
us
safe
because that's what you do
It was always just
you
and
me
united
against
the betraying world
wasn't it?

7
days till the end of the world
and my mind is a'racing
round and round my thoughts they swirl
I can't seem to cease my pacing

6
days now till everything ends
time is slowing down
I really thought she was my friend
never thought she'd let me drown

5
days and what do I do now?
the fear is taking over me
I'm stuck in a pit, I can't get out
there's no escape that I can see

4
days wow it's getting close
and I'm nowhere near ready!
I feel very much like a ghost
can't keep myself steady

3
days now, what do I do?
everything is going wrong
I don't know how to make it through
I don't think I'm that strong

2
days, in a panic now
I'd really like to breathe
it's far too soon to take my bows
will this agony never cease?

1
day, fog is kicking in
praise God for dissociation
This is not my body, my skin
I've ascended plain Creation!

0
days, and now it's time
my heart beats in my pounding head
watching my world collapse in a rhyme
I cannot tell if I am dead

My darling Jenny
this poem's for you,
A birthday promise, you can hold me to.

No amount of years will change
my love for you.

I miss your smile,
when you're not near,
and your voice is the one I always long
to hear.

I see your blue eyes
every night in my mind,
I feel your kiss, and I hear your sighs.

I long for you each and every day.

And when you are in my arms,
I always want you to stay.

So don't dread getting older,
or fret grey hairs and lines.

You'll remain young forever,
here in my mind.

Happy Birthday Baby!

I'll always Love You!