Sometimes the trouble seems worthless
And the pain just keeps me down
But I will claw ‘til I’m blood and bone
To try and keep this crown
Sometimes I fall and I can’t get up
And I just lie on the ground and cry
But I’ll still crawl 100 miles
To keep alive this lie
Sometimes my robes are heavy to wear
And I long to shed this skin
But I would wear a suit of lead
To hide from what’s within
This crown has become my burden
My robes they are all for show
But I’ll fight to the death to keep them on
Because this is all I know
A caress from many years ago
Has left a scar behind
My body will not heal the wound
It is left there to remind
You stroked my arm with an open palm
You smiled while it burned
I craved for all the affection
Too late, my lesson was learned
Now I sit here and touch every mark
That’s branded on my skin
They’re rotting below the surface
Destroying me from within
A line once drawn with dignity
Its edges fade away
Yesterday she would have left
But tomorrow she will stay
Her dreams now out of reach
Were once at finger tips
Before she would have called them back
But the cry won’t pass her lips
A voice once unwavering
Now hesitates and sighs
Given up on fighting
Accepting of the lies
If I die tomorrow
So many regrets
I won’t have
I can’t say I haven’t
Thought what is the point
Over time, through pain I’ve
Hardened with each knock
I won’t be
I will no longer be
Risking an open heart
It is worth
Read top to bottom, then bottom to top
The ink from my heart wrote you a song
Thoughts bleeding onto the page
But the words I wrote, I got them wrong
Now I’ve torn them in my rage
I tasted each note upon my tongue
I prepared to sing my tune
But before I started, I was done
The notes trailing off too soon
The memory of your song won’t fade
Try as I might to forget
You do not deserve the art I made
Know I play it with regret
Thinking of another reality,
As I sit comfortably amongst my wealth.
Thinking of my finite mortality,
As I depict a picture of good health.
Dreaming of romance and armour clad knights,
While absently twirling my wedding rings.
Dreaming of places with beautiful sights,
While gazing over a view fit for kings.
Longing for somewhere that I can belong,
When I am surrounded by many friends.
Longing for relationships that are strong,
When their loyalty to me knows no ends.
But I must be thankful despite my pain,
That I have the luxury to complain.
I’m chasing that feeling of being numb
That sensation when I’m slipping under
Where I could either float or fall asleep
Can I get back? I can’t help but wonder.
A place that is better than happiness
‘Cos happiness is a place that won’t last
But the numbness can just keep on coming
And it can block out the pain of the past.
The weightless sensation of nothingness
Is such a blissful way for one to go
The gradual fading of the world around
Promises to banish your lowest low.
So can I be content to barely be?
I argue it’s greater than being free.
There’s nothing left inside me
That could keep me coming back
Was once a hand to my cheek
Now it’s a bullet to my back.
The skin, it might heal over
And no one might ever know
But the bullet will remain
With a warning to bestow.
I wouldn’t say I’m stronger
I’ve been weakened from the pain
But the weakness is a lesson
Don’t make the same mistake again.
She ripped her wings on an olive branch
Now tattered she tries to fly
Halo crooked on her head
Torn image in the sky
She used to glow with purity
Now fooling no one but herself
She takes off her only gown
And puts her halo on the shelf
She tries so hard to smile
But her lips won’t hold it there
She’s sick of living up to
A name too hard to wear
She sees her body naked
And the image makes her cry
Handprints scar her body
Torn image in the sky
A drop can open up the soul
It can dull the heavy heart
Each small morsel, like a portal
It helps the pain depart
Touch it gently to your lips
Let out a heavy sigh
A loyal friend until the end
A sin you can’t deny
Let it flow and fill your veins
Allow your mind to sleep
Now not so raw, can shut the door
You don’t have to feel so deep
At last it has taken over
The body numb to the bone
The more I sink, the more I think
This darkness is my home
Wake in the morning
And roll out of bed
Breathe in a deep sigh
Put my hands to my head
Pad to the bathroom
Take my sweet time
Get showered and dressed
To be in before nine
Tap on some keys
Answer the phone
All the while wishing
It was time to go home
Lunch time, eat pizza
While I wish to be thinner
Then curse driving home
And curse making dinner
Sigh at the dishes
Frown at the mess
Too tired for leisure
Time to undress
Put on pyjamas
Bed time and then
Set my alarm
To do it again
Yesterday I looked out at the view
Planned to climb mountains, buy houses, make friends.
Today I don’t open the blinds.
Yesterday I put on my trainers
I stretched, I flexed, I ran.
Today my lambskin slippers are chafing.
Yesterday I called a friend
We talked, I listened, we laughed.
Today there is not a number in my phone.
Yesterday I spent the day living
I dreamt, I pondered, I planned.
Today I am not sure I am breathing.
Yesterday was a million years ago
It went by in a blink, so fast, unstoppable.
Today is going to last forever.
There’s a wall to each side
That’s trapped me from leaving
The strength of my fear is holding it fast
I am beating my fists to try and destroy it
But it’s become stuck, through pain of the past
There’s a mirror ahead
That’s holding me captive
The shadows of doubt reflect disarray
I try to turn so I can’t see the damage
But I am so vain I can’t turn away
There’s pressure on my chest
That’s stopping me from breathing
The weight of expectation is holding it still
I am pulling so hard to try and remove it
But my muscles are weak and I don’t have the will
My thoughts are rotting me from within,
Better keep them from seeping through my pores and poisoning the pure air.
Easier to live with the guilt that is slowly killing me, but perhaps makes me a better person,
Than to let it out and face the judgement of a stranger, their judgement could label me anything.
My thoughts take root in my veins, turning my blood to a sea of dark words.
I must cover any open wound lest the words leak out and find a friend to share a secret with.
The darkness is frightening and all consuming but there is comfort in knowing I am always wrapped in it.
It is the light that is most sinister, it is in the light that you must stand tall and face your truth.
My thoughts are rotting me from within,
But they are mine to hold, they keep me safe.
It’s time to pack up and head home
The bar’s closing, last drinks were called.
That girl that you were talking to,
Her make-up starts melting at dawn.
She’ll return home on tired feet
To her bed that’s always kept warm.
Let go of her hand and head out
The cold air can sober your thoughts,
She does not belong in your mind.
The moon will guide you to morning
Which will help to quiet the dreams,
That you have no business having.
Your demons are yours to control,
Listen to your footsteps retreat
Remember her family, her home.
Make your way to your welcome mat,
Which sits at your familiar door
And be the man you both deserve.
— The End —