Mothers watched boys being stolen from their beds
In the midst of their dreaming
To become men that couldn't fend off the nightmares when they slept

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts


I want you to watch
Watch me
Watch as I hurt
Watch as I abuse myself
‘Cause I don’t really care anymore
I’ll open my wrists
I’ll exhaust my heart
Burn out my mind
I’ll empty my stomach
I’ll tremble with weakness

I want to stumble and fall
I want you to catch me
Prove you care
Prove you’re there
Beg me to stop
Take the temptation from my hand
Share my burdens
Because I can’t bear them anymore
Not alone

Stay my hand
Take the blade
When I’m too weak to let it go
Tend to my wounds
Take away my chemicals
The ones I use to hide
Because you want to see me
Not my masks
Because you care
You want to care for me
You know I’m no longer capable

I want to be weak
I want to be ill
Starving
Shaking
Bleeding
Dying
And I want you
To care

The evening sun bids me adeau,
reflected like jewels on Caribbean blue;
it’s diamonds dance on ribbons of sea,
as nature’s song floats back to me.

While flaming violets paint the sky;
an impressionist artwork from on high,
all Earth’s creatures seem to hush,
at the beauty of nature’s one true brush.

Ipso Facto
which is
as far as I know
the first two words
of a children’s rhyme.

Time indeed is enough to feed on
and leave one feeling empty.

Not being but seeing and feeling
and fortunate to have found
some meaning,
but
still searching for some more.

This day shall stay in my memory
like all the days that lay before me
and have yet to be discovered.

© 2019, John Smallshaw.