She laid in bed, another sleepless night. She watched the shadows of the trees outside her windows as they danced. They were seemingly undisturbed by the passing cars and gentle breezes flowing through them. She wondered if they too felt the pain she endured so deeply. Did their movements allow them to run from whatever was also chasing her? The darkness that follows her daily, is it consuming also the things around her?The plans for tomorrow pressing on her, reminding her of the stress constantly following her every thought. Between the worries of the future and the pain of the past, her mind never stops racing. She can’t stop the memories of him from playing on repeat. She can’t stop wishing that things would have been different, that he could have been different. She loved him, the man who once held her so tightly. She just didn’t realize the grip he had on her heart, was also on her neck. Slowly taking her freedom to choose. He slowly took her soul, and she is still trying to get it back. Without oxygen, saying I’m sorry was easier for her than to once again, stand up to him. Even when she did, she ended up being the one to bow down. She let him take the steering wheel of her life and she handed over the keys. She got so tired of doing life alone she sold her soul.
This night, like most nights these days, consisted of Friends on the TV and laundry to be folded on the couch. She was completely alone, by choice. Before the night that changed everything, he would have been there. Even if he was upset at her or she at him, he was there. He was present to hold her when she felt empty and willing to listen without judgement. He was, what it seemed like the only person who pursued her heart. She craved the love he was willing to give. Since the incident, Other men had offered to take his place but she cannot simply duct tape the hole he left within her together. She knew healing was the long and lonely part, but it needed to be done. She was afraid if she found another man, she would once again be the girl who needs someone to love. The girl who was weak, undeserving of the love someone was willing to give. A part of her still felt the chain around her neck. He still owned a piece of her, and she was okay with that. She felt moving on meant leaving him. Although he was already gone, she missed the love he had and she hated the pain that took its place.
Her already paranoid mind was on high alert every time she was alone. The same man who said I love you, was also the man who she feared most. Every creaking door or passing car was an enemy to her. A revving engine was a cry for war, her heart always racing and adrenaline always pumping, preparing herself for another battle.