Silent strength
Behind a smile
Struggling heart
Give it a while.

Half a heart
Around her neck
The other half
Around mine.

She will always
Be beautiful
In my dusty eyes.

Calm, hard to find
In a productive mind
She only stops
For my embrace.

She tries
With tears in her eyes
She is the only soul
I want by my side.

Haikus are stupid,
And sometimes, they don't make sense...
Refrigerator.

Before I allowed
The world to break me,
I was stronger, keen and able

Now, incoherent and disabled.

The dream was just a fable,
Just put food on the table,
Alone, reminisce and ramble...

To the breeze, I mumble.

Another ale to soothe the blues,
Another cone to poke the bruise,
Another cigarette to calm the nerves,
Another circle to dance within.

Now, incoherent and disabled,
I was stronger, keen and able,

Before I allowed,
The world to break me.

All my meals come from cans,
Fire produced for heat and light,
Dirt carpet, trees for walls,
My ceiling is painted sky.

We amble through chatter,
One-liners, quick banter,
Once I hear silence and breeze,
It doesn't seem to matter.

My lounge suite is an old chair,
Covered in ash, stinking of beer,
Brought from home, now a part of me,
And part of my home that I brought with me.

With left leg sprawled where my arm should be,
And my back angled in such a way,
Head tilted on the edge of the back rest,
This is exactly where I should be.

As the sun sets and the sky does its thing,
All the wildlife around sings its goodnight hymn,
We cheers and rejoice, me and thoughts,
And the apprentice, across from the fire pit.

An angry, empty belly quivers and roars,
It's time to feed the beast within,
All my meals come from cans,
But, I forgot my can-opener.

Now
Is so different
So oblique
So new... still, after all this time .

Just realised
That I
Just realised.

Rich poor man
Still can...

Week to week
There is no weakness

Which bruises easily,
Has chalky bones

Calm chaos,
Welcome to
Door mat and exit light
Confuse, engulf, exhale.

If you lived in my mind
You'd be home by now.

Sit.
Sit with me.
I do not want to talk.

Just, sit.

Everything's ******,
Everyone sux.

I too am fluent,
In silence.

See you tomorrow,
In reality or memory,
It doesn't really matter,

I'll still be here.

Awake at 0415
Sleep still in my eyes
Bundle up crib
**** and a ****
Shave clean
Coffee on the boil
Then, on the road.
Lit ciggy
Volume still up from last night
Knock it down a notch
Until the ears can focus...

Swipe on, turnstile spins
Follow in suit
Say g'day to nightshift
As the hi-vis is donned
PPE all strapped on
Steel capped **** kickers
Helmet slap, follow the crowd
To prestart.

Sit and nod, coffee lukewarm
Handover from nights
Sign on lads and ladies
Lock on, work instruction, THA
We are all dressed the same
The same team
With the same goal
To go home...

We don't know how it all works
In our silo, doing our bit
For our 12 hour stint
For 7 days.

Just before 6
With our bodies worn and ready
For a quiet bevvy
With mates we made at work
Swipe off, turnstile spins
Say g'day to nightshift
It'll be our turn next swing
Top job, had a win.

Microwave feed
Boots at the door
TV just for the noise
Stare at the phone
They ring before bed
Let it ring out
How was your day?
Same as every other, don't bother.

Asleep before head hits pilla
Awake at 0415

Fingers entwined
As we walk
Adoration gazes
In peripherals.
Security squeezes
Stopped in the hallway
For the sweetest kiss
On the way to the kitchen.
Comfortable silence
On the couch
Never too far away
From my love.

This broken crayon
Still draws.

Succeeding with flaws.

Terrible foibles
Kept under wraps
Moderation of over indulgence.

Fickle human
Tricking you all
With niceties
And courtesy.

Under skin
Screaming within
On the exterior
Work place superior.

You have to guess
As I won't tell
And if you guess correctly
I'll change the subject.

Just another
Just like you
Dealing with life
Learning to shuffle.

With ruthless adoration
And violent embrace
You will be loved
You have no choice.

My curious insanity
Will make heads tilt
Hate will be spilt
To make room for affection.

Silly womble
No need to be troubled.

Explosive caress
Wings in full bloom
Right now is the reason
Never soon.

Soar and scream
Life and dream
Will finally entwine
With our life combined.

Bitter little feelings
Tighten my skin and muscle
Scrunch my face
In momentary feels.

This angst will pass
It always does
It always has
Time to feed the angels.

Eat
Sleep
Dream
Repeat

See you later
When you text
Can't wait
Till the next time comes next.

We'll talk
Once these bitter little feelings
Lose their momentum
Best friend.

They never loved us back

Our previous partners
We loved
But
They never loved us back

Miraculously we stumbled
Into eachothers path
I express my unique love
And you express it back

It feels so beautiful
So correct
To be loved back

Torn apart from my kin
Through my own decisions
They'll be fine, I tell myself
But they are not, they are broken

The love of my children
Has been put aside
For the love of a woman
I don't deserve this life

They hate me
And I dont blame them
I am my father's son
And they are theirs

Just gimme a minute,
I don't get it,
What the ****
Are you talking about.

Echoes in my brain cave,
Tearing tender flesh,
Your poison tone
Drops an eyelid in quiver.

Blink hard twice or thrice,
Just to regain focus,
I am the harvest,
And they are the locust.

Lost during conversation,
Dreaming between scenarios,
Just so's youse knows,
Mum's the word (tap the nose).

What the ****
Was I talking about?
I don't get it,
Just gimme a minute.

No blade will cut
No noose will tighten
No pistol will trigger.

The ongoing misery
Swallowed
Bones and offal
Let the eyes well.

Some words spoken
Cannot be unsaid
Let them fester
Within the walls of my head.

Unable to fly
Unable to ignore
Last red before bed
Awake on crumbed floor.

Open wounds
Stay open
Just to remind me
Of the pain consumed.

I will be
The last man alive
After they've all died
This is my curse.

Stay alive
With all the dead
My funeral
Will have to be self funded.

Fail at suicide
Fail at living
This depression has teeth
And will not submit.

Deep breath
Get out of the ute
Smile to the work crew
Make them laugh.

Its been a few months now
I've been home
She asked if we could make it work
I ensured her, we could.

At the beginning
It was all love
All ***, all muscle
All flex.

Routine arrives
Raises its brow
Settles, as dust
Covered in rust.

Familiar nuance
Dishes and dinner
Laughter and mayhem
Lego fidget spinner.

I go to work
They go to school
She folds my clothes
I'm unsure of where they go.

This ghost tints
No longer invisible
Our photos sit proudly
Upon window sill.

We have grown through distance
Strengthened from afar
I have what I've always had
I just never knew what it was.

It's family
It's love
It is all
The above.

Accepts my indifference
Wild emotional tantrums
Uncomfortable silence
Sheer laziness
My silly human traits.

Respects space
Loves my face
And tells me
Every beautiful day.

I choose no other
Forever.

Once she awakes
From her nightshift efforts
I will remind her
She is appreciated
With a kiss and a cuppa.

Through my blurred perspective
Tinted rose iris
I will smile through plastic teeth
In doe eyed admiration
At this beautiful person
That chose me
Over all others.

Every tomorrow
Every today
That I get to see her
Is a blessing.

Until I die
I will adore
Tend and care for
My sweet Lawla,

Forever more.

Once flesh, now bone
Once bone, now tooth
Once innocent
Now fuckn uncouth.

Light behind closed eyes
Ignite iris and char sight
Rose coloured glasses
Misplaced.

They love me
They leave a light on for me
But, I still utilise
The light behind closed eyes.

Now I'm home
I'll hold you
With your arms
By your side.

Sigh.

Sickly circles
And a rash
That won't seem to go
Once flesh, now bone.

The alarm goes off at five twenny two
My alarm is a Lion King song
When the sun rises...
In the movie, at the start, that song.

Coffee n smoke.

White n two,
In my peripherals,
Work kit beside the glass cabinet,
Waiting for me to shower.

Time ticks, hot water alarms
Triggers get dressed.

Wallet, keys, phone, smokes, lighter,
Check.
Rogie.
So... les go.

Turn the key
Slow revs
Try not to wake
The sleepin babes,
Music set to twenny two
From the nigh before
Down the road, I know
The best lane to sit in.

Iced coffee beside me,
From home fridge or servo,
Ciggy lit, right arm elby out the winda,
Enjoying the calm before the storm.

The code to the place
I spend most of my time
Is nineteen oh one
That's when I say good mornin,

To an empty warehouse.

An thats what begins
The start of each day
Of every
Working week.

This isn't a real job
The lines are crossed and confused
Scope of works sometimes so vague
It shortens my poor bosses fuse.

When the job's on, the job's fukn on
We sweat bullets, amongst all the banter
Beers at the yard, lines off of tynes
And doobies to trigger the laughter.

We travel to places, serene and surreal
But also, vile, uninhabitable and ****
Our cars get a flogging, as do our livers
I don't really know, I just rocked up here.

We have seen many leave and given the flick
Jobs so *******, we didn't give a ****
Just do as we're told, take the money and fold
That's what I like about you, **** all.

Rub shoulders with corporate
Just play the fukn game
Remember old mate? What's his fukn name?
Yeah, he got fired, carry on old mate.

So we, the remaining few, represent the crew
Getting kicked out of a pub, maybe two
Sky fireworks, twerking locals and trannies
Mugs away, closest to bulls, play for serves.

As we encounter and share more scenarios
Breathe the ******* out and the good times in
Seeya on Mondee ya pregnant bitumen ****
If not, I'll see ya in the bottom of the bin.

It's gonna be ok.

We'll get through this ****
This is not a sink or swim
This is a win win

One day, you'll look back
And wonder
Why you worried at all

We will fix
Everything

With love.

The anticipation
Before her kiss
Is a lump in my throat
Of a half swallowed fist.

She can can be so mean
She can be so sweet
I feel like I'm winning
I feel like I forfeit.

I try so hard
To appease her needs
But I am just a mere male
Dealing with my own ****.

I am so selfish
I am so needy
All I want
Is for her to want me.

I take her on adventures
I buy her awesome things
I make her laugh, I make her ******
I love her more than I care to imagine.

I do her dishes
I cook her meals
I read her poetry
I pay her bills.

I work so hard
At work and at home
I give my time to my children
So she has time on her own.

She gives me angst
She breaks my heart
But, I am a man
So, I must keep it to myself.

I choose her
I choose this
I choose the anticipation
Before her kiss.

So, I got married on a Friday
She was as beautiful as always
We traded vows, photos aplenty
Blended two crazy families.

It was a wild week
Find a meter squared to sleep
One bathroom between thirty or so
My poor house mate, just dealing with it.

Late dinners, drinking til midnight
Only my son and a mates missus had a fight
A beautiful scene up in the hills
With family, mates and my wife.

I have this ring on my finger now
Clunky and uncomfortable
I don't wear jewellery
But, I am told, I'll get used to it.

I have a new found sense of pride
And I reek of love all the time
As we dance and kiss in the kitchen
Me, and my beautiful wife.

She will always be my truest of loves
Always beside me, except on nightshift
And, I cannot word the feelings I hold
Just for her.

She accepts this wild man
This silly lost boy
And I will forever be grateful
For loving me.

On my own
I think, alone
Dreams and situations
Try my hand at foresight

It always turns out
Different.

My charm and wit
My charismatic influence
All gos to ****
On my own.

I was once
More than I am
Once, I felt
More alive.

On my own.

This brittle heart I was given
Covered in glue and silicon
Bandages and sticky tape
Barely beats nowadays.

So easily hurt, damaged and bruised
So easily deceived, ***** and used
My outer is strong, focused and clean
Yet, my inner is lost in a weak mans dream.

You ask for help, I give it
You ask for monetary unit
You demand my love, but give back only angst
And I fall in a heap, despite all my strength.

I close my eyes, amidst conversation
And you see this as a misunderstanding
I am just gathering my wits, can't you see?
It's hard to think, with a head full of sea.

I try to get my point across
But you rant and rave and get cross
I swallow my pride and words
Just to appease your requirements.

So, here I am, on my own, with you all
Loving my life, yet hating it all
You don't care if I fall
As long as I pay every toll.

Well, *******, and your fickle ways
I have one last breath, just for you
As I flip the bird and walk out the door
You will see, only then, what you've lost.

This brittle heart is all I have
It still beats, it still does its thing
When I recieve your apology text
I'll try my best, not to reply.

Actualized dependencies
Total recordable injury frequency rate
Moving forward...

Go **** yourself.

I am suddenly "in"
Against my will
Amongst corporate drones
Forever on their phones.

Their sentences are cryptic
Their question are trivial
I sit there, complexed
Listening to their drivel.

Acronyms flow freely
From their forked tongues
I ask a menial question
Only to be scoffed upon.

As my brow furrows
And my chest tightens
I clench my fists
Withholding under the desk.

This is a boys club
Of overly cologned men
Clean cut with ***** paws
Suit and tie, the works.

It is my turn to speak
I stand and I ask
Were you lads always like this?
Who started this stupid stance?

I explain realistically
This is what affects our reality
These tasks and these problems
Are you lads even listening?

Once the silence gets too much
I take my seat
Every man in this room
Loses their job within a week.

They are given the flick
And I am given a raise
In high-vis, I carry on
Given obligatory praise.

I decline the raise
I spread it across my crew
As they are the gentleman
Deserving the recognition.

I return to my office
Answering emails and calls
Just another day
At big fat stupid work.

You work at the mines mate?
You must be raking it in?!

"Awake at 5, sometimes before
Hivis and boots then out the door
No one to kiss goodbye
Just go.

Give a nod and half smile to nightshift
Sleep still in the eyes
Roll on in for prestart
A dingy container powered by a loud generator
Say g'day to the boys and the supervisor.

Get in trouble, for not being clean shaved
Apologies, forgot, all good, here's a razor
Dry shave, water lubricant
Try to complain but the money's too good.

8 more days, just push through the heat
Worn out boots and swollen feet
Paperwork galore, but wait, there's more
There's been an incident and my feet are sore.

The misso didn't text
The kids are a handful
She's 2 flights away so carry on
Just stay strong.

Head in the game, eyes on the job
We must prevent complacency
With reiterating the same thing
Over and over and over again.

We all dress the same
"King Gee" orange overalls
We all smell the same
Except for the supervisors.

Sulpher and acids and alarms and things
Risks and controls and signatures
Old mate forgot to sign on
He won't last, cos he forgot to sign on.

Eyes on task, line of fire, rah rah rah
Just get the job done
With an itchy face
And an idiot that won't shut up.

12hours of push
Crib breaks with strangers
The misso still hasn't touched base
Miss her touch and beautiful face.

Just realised, the shift is over
As the sun sets over the smelter
Pack up, *******, couple beers at the mess
Too tired to realise, she still hasn't text.

Boots and hivis left by the door
(**** my feet are sore)
Fast asleep before my head hits the bed
Awake at 5, do it again."

Yeah mate, it's not too bad...

Before I begin, I'll finish my can,
Sweetest crush beside others laid slain,
Roll a dart for good measure,
Painful pleasure.

Sparkinsons cure
Lights the way to the fuse,
Inhale and consume
Head spins,unfortunately resume.

The constant is resonant.

The background noun
As a half chewed minty,
Half chewed clown.

All is the same,
Yet not the same at all.

Speculation equals concern,
So, don't worry, be happy,
You cannot predict the outcome,
Of any scenario, not one.

You have four options...

Dig,
Breathe,
Drown or
Burn.

Choose.






I chose drown, just so you know.

Only if you want.
Here is my outstretched hand,
Soft yet scarred, for you to hold,
It's all I can afford.

This exquisite piece I made for you,
In my head,
For your senses to swoon,
Against your will.

Just to show you,
The edge of the knife,
The cusp of the moon,
A heartbeat of life.

I stay astray,
Just to to think of the right words to say
But, when it comes time,
You were there, and I was away.

It's all  I can afford,
Soft, yet scarred, for you, to hold,  
Here, is my outstretched hand,
Only if you want.

Young man
You ok?

Everything's on top of you
I'm sorry to say
It gets worse as you get older
Middle class front liner

Just save money
Don't spend it on ****
Moderate your vices
Or they will own you

Be your own boss
Buy a house early
Invest wisely
Educate your world

Don't marry early
Travel, see the world
Fall in love
With a million girls

Be a gentleman
Be honest, don't steal
Do what you say
Say what you feel

Life is hard
Unrewarding and mean
No one gives a **** about you
Not even me

You're on your own
It's all in your hands
You ok?
Young man?

I wake up early, quietly excited,
As it is the last day of work.

I get to the workshop half an hour before due,
Just to get it done.

They all file in, around the same time,
Exhausted from a year of toil,
Cigarettes and insulting chatter,
As the kettle continues to boil.

Midday arrives, not soon enough,
They wait for my ok or my nod,
I set up my instant reply on email,
And close this ******* laptop.

On my feet, I give the wave,
They come sprawling in,
Advance to the fridge, straight to the beer,
Lets forget about work, and dribble some ****.

Twenty one days, away from this place,
Fingers crossed I don't get bored,
We share memories of terrible jobs,
And the endurance required to complete them.

Twenty two days later,
I unlock as the sun rises,
Sigh to myself and think back,
Here we go again...

The storm is calming finally
To a calm exhale breeze
There was times
I had dust
In my eyes
But now
The well is full (both of them)
And, I am
Content and safe.

Lightening, horizon bound
As I've found
This twisted reflection
Smiles back.

The pain is always temporary
You too, will look back
And smile your beautiful smile
The beautiful inside smile you always hide.

As a human, hunting happiness
And finding it,
It is my duty
To hope you find yours.

I believe in you
Good luck.

She loves me.

She wanders in with curious intent
With her little swagger that she does
Insanity locks of hair upon her head
Doe eyed, and ready to smile.

The room ignites with her presence
Like it was dim the whole time
Like we had tints on our eyes
She brings an ongoing light.

As my soul, (only coals) she brings them to life
Now embers, alive and willing
In her embrace, all is forgotten
Every pain, every ache, every whim
She pours her whole soul in.

When we're alone, just her and I
We dream beautiful dreams
She is all that I selfishly need
But, I must share her with the hoard.

Her tones of voice, waver and dance
I can pick her mood, and at every chance
I affirm my love, just so she knows
We are both not at all alone.

Synchronised affection, we understand
The pains and gains of a love not planned
She is my rock, my island, my secret
My wish upon a star completed...

And the best part is...

She loves me.

❤️

Just before
We were saying good morning
Sharing meals
Laughing at jokes we made

Just before
We had our own language
Her stories took ages to tell
I still listened

Just before
She held me goodbye
Longer than usual
Marshmallows by fires

Just before
She wrapped her legs
Around mine and smiled
Just passing time

Waiting for Mum
To pick her up.

Something is wrong
Something is amiss
Deep within me
It doesn't make sense

Try as I might
Progress seems void
End up in a riddle
Alone and annoyed

Problems made mine
Which I may have made
Tickle and excite
Destroy and decay

I feel it deep inside
Between anxiety and clenched fist
Something is wrong
Something is amiss.

Typical bloke.
Flanny, wife beater, blue jeans, work boots
Rough around the edges
12 hour shifts on the daily.

Split with the missus
A while ago now
Misses the kids
Works like a machine.

Knocks off at dusk
Sits out the back
Punchin darts and sippn bevs
It's all he knows.

He doesn't eat as well as he should
Microwaved feeds and barbecues
Saves on dishes, doesn't mind fishn
Pays his child support as required.

All he knows is work
Cutla mates he doesn't often see
He gets choked up but swallows the pain
Just to get through his work day.

He doesn't ring his kids
As he doesn't know where they're at
So, he punches darts and sips bevs
Out the back.

He reeks of loneliness
He doesn't have much to say
He just asks us questions
To which we reply, vaguely.

He tries...
But he is so disconnected
So broken and out of touch
I miss who he used to be so much.

Always on his own
With the blade to his wrist
Fate tempting the twist
But always ends up clenched fist.

He built this nest
The same place he *****
Akin to his demons
Typical bloke.

Fickle little feelings
Celebrate the decline
Of this roller-coaster
Called life.
Muster the motivation
To sew these open wounds
Rather than sprinkle band-aids
On limbs lost from decisions made.
This simple man
Lost in the light of his phone
Back to back cigarettes
Feet up, in his quiet spot.

This is what he prefers.

The silence is his company
Loneliness, his strength
Masked in jokes and one-liners
Painted as per scenario.
Lost all time
To evolve passions
Only addictions
Get the time of day.

Puff puff pass.

They all want his focus
Leech off of reputation
Which is tinted at best
**** in his nest.
If only he could focus
If only for a while
He could celebrate his victories
And share his smile.

Vent or implode.

His muse beside him always
Even in restless sleep
To share and adore and dote
On passions and poisons.
She will push his eclectic
She will drive his esoteric
Of the roller-coaster
Called life.

What has he done?
Fell out of love with your Mum
Met another one
Remarried.

You listened to her woes
She said more than she should've
You took her angst
You made it your own.

So, you left him
While your brothers did not
You left him
To rot.

He tried
To give you the space he thought you wanted
But, as time passed
You made a decision not to love him.

So now, it is awkward
Tears well when we say goodbye
Because we never said
What was on our mind.

Will it ever change?
Or is this how it is?
Forever ever?
I cannot live like this.

I miss you,
I hope you miss me too.

The hardest thing I ever did
Was tell your mum,

I don't love her anymore.

I'm so sorry
That it has turned out this way
I desperately hope
It won't be forever ever.

She cried into my chest this morn
Buried her head as deep as she could go
Kissing her brow
I told her, I know, I know.

Her fatigue is my anger
Her kindness is my militant manner
I dare not oppose her
In fear of breaking her brittle heart.

She is stretched thin
Only frays of twine remain
My opinion is wicked and muddled
Stay calm boy, stay calm.

We have a complicated life
Me and my beautiful wife
This nest we chose together
To curl into eachother.

As she drove away this morn
Tears, still, on her cheek
I waved goodbye and blew her a kiss
It will chase her until I see her again.

She doesn't say
How was her day
Anymore.

She sometimes says
What I need to change
My behavior or my attitude
Is usually the way.

She never says
She's strong, she's brave
And, I want her to be.

Perhaps, not today.


I try.

I fukn try.

But, our eyes don't meet
Eye to eye.


I think of her
Throughout the day,
I doubt
She does the same.

At times she fills me
Full of love,
At times she kills me
And all of the above.

So...

Tea is ready,

And, I should go...

I wonder, if she'll say
How her day was.

Fingers crossed
That she says so.