The poems I wrote
You didn't read.

I was trying
To communicate.

The threats you dished out
The compliance you required
The more you wanted
Just bottled me up.

Now, you are someone else
Someone I wouldn't bother with
A memory that pains me
A topic I try to avoid.

I tried
Pieces within have died
I have no choice but to use my voice
To try and regain some pride.

I have built myself up
I have a beautiful friend by my side
I have recreated myself in such a way
The old me wouldn't recognise.

This is the last one I write
The last one you won't read.

It doesn't matter what you think
Or how you feel
I have cut ties...

Tell the kids, Dad says Hi.

Found you
I wont let go
This dream
Shared by two
You got me
And, I want you to
Get me
As you do.

The only light
In this dark
The only truth
I want to hear.
Early days
But it feels like decades
And I wouldn't change
A thing.

In her
I see
Myself
As me

In me
I see
Her
Eternally

I found her
As she found me
Her beautiful soul
And perspective beauty
She got me
And I wouldn't have it
Any
Other
Way

I will be
The man you could not be
I will show love
Where you could not,
I will be there
For their recitals and events
It does not matter
If they couldn't see me.

I will be
The server of their meals
The cleaner of their dishes
The chauffeur of their adventures,
I will be
The healer of their wounds
Their teacher amongst their chaos
The silence in all the noise.

I will be
The father I never had
The pride when they introduce Dad
The strength when they are sad
I will be
A male role model
The angel on your shoulder
The smart **** remark to your stupid questions.

Just you wait kiddo
As you get older
I will always be here
To help you get stronger,
Just so you know
Your Mum taught me everything
Without her support and dedication
Our relationship would be nothing.

So, when you look to me
Know, that I look to her
As she is the key
To our comfortable open door.

Know that I love you
I'd sley any dragon for you
Regardless of what you put me through
I'd pay any price to see you happy.

Cos I'm your Dad
Your old man, the old boy
And I will break every bone in my body
For your pursuit of happiness.

Her alarm goes off first
She ninjas her way out the door
She kisses my brow every morning
To keep our sweetness secured.
She snaps and texts throughout the day
And I do the same
Finish our sentences with kisses
To assure one another we're ok.
She's usually home before me
We talk of our ******* day
Prep dinner, feed the crew
Share kitchen kisses along the way.
Say our goodnights to the kidlets
Curl up with our favourite show
We make love and it's always magical
She is beautiful and I let her know.
The days are much like the last
Work and bills and dinner and things
I would not have this any other way
Without my Queen, I can't be King.

Breaking into bits and pieces
Parts and chunks
Flakes and mist
I am always missed

Every division
Requires description
But I am too far gone
To muster words you'll believe in

Auto pilot life
Wait until last minute
To act
To complete the puzzle

No intent
Didn't mean what I may have meant
Depending on your response
Smoke bomb! Disappear

There is only so much of me
To share
This angst so bitter and obelisk
Only time will shift

Bloodless stone
No moss every grows
As I can only stay still
When I'm gaming

I'm killing them all
With every day of absence
Which has altered to months
Which has evolved to years

The love, now coarse and abrasive
To touch, only to lose layers of skin
Which I have taken so long
To fit within

I'll apologise when I die
For becoming that guy in your life
Till I fade into flakes and mist
I am always missed.

My own little space
With my personal effects
Creates a second skin
To curl within
A shell to stretch
A waterslide of thoughts
Swirl like dust in a dance
Safety glasses may be required.

Liberated imagination
It may crawl, it may gnash
It may do what it desires
As it is free.

My own little corner
I may be who I want
The mistakes do not count
Only dream exists here
As the toxins grasp and release
It is a feast
Of a cartoon man in a lean-to shed
Splashing paint and rambling rhyme.

The colour is brighter
When the eyes are blurred
The filter is removed
And the real becomes absurd.

Snake back inside
To embrace and kiss my beautiful wife
She knows where I've been
She knows who I am
Just a man
Unleashing the fire and the coal
Venting the demons
To embrace the angels.

I stand here before you all
As a friend, an associate,
A ***** relative, a co worker
An influence, a blood line
And a cool memory,
To solidify an actual fact...

I am, in fact, in love.

I didn't see it coming
Nor did she,
You didn't see it coming...
But, that is why we are here.

For love...
Not yours, mine.
Ours.

Needless to say, it is our honour
To share this pivotal moment in our lives
With such beautiful people
With such awesome haircuts.

You have all been a part of our timeline
And no one would have ever guessed
This girl, that I first kissed, when I was 10
Would meet me in the future
And be awesome enough to be my wife.

Lucky duck.

And she is...
She is fkn awesome.

So, good luck to us,
Because after all this ****,
It will be just us.

Going to work and cooking dinner,
Dishes and bills and dog **** to pick up,
Family stuff, you know what I mean,
Life **** but we just say...
We're living the fkn dream.

Those in earshot,
That made the effort,
To be here, in this moment
We thank you.

Thank you all.

Caught in a web
Woven by me.

She loves me
I dont.

She loves me
I do.

Silly backwards fish.

Collect pros and cons
It will hurt either way
Cant quite remember
A single word said.

Think with heart
Think with head
These dreams
Engulf all.

It doesn't matter
This life
Is predestined
As is yours.

This web will age
Its adherence will slack
Freedom will be found
If only temporary.

We rekindled on a leap year
Through phone guise
I saw her
Beautiful pixie eyes

With ebb and flow
Over distance
Kindred flames
Soaked in similar essence

Her in her world
Me in mine
Our only focus
Was eachothers time

We want to test the waters
With bated breath
She booked a flight
And so, we met

We found it
What we all crave
The effortless love
I think it was a Wednesday

We will be wed
We are a team
As scary as it is
This is our dream

To find that happiness
Is truly a blessing
If you buy me a beer
You'll get an invite to the wedding.

Me lad.
He's 14.
And, hes been in ****
At school.

Now, we have his back
And all that.
He's my boy
Me lad.

It has come to light
At such recent time
That his forgery skills
Have been paying his bills
To freedom.

"Uncle Matt"
Has a note for you teacher.

You must do
What Uncle Matt wrote.

As per Uncle Matts last note,
Here is another,
Signed...

Uncle Matt.

The signature said
Uncle (fukn) Matt.

They accepted this
And off he went
To where ever he desired...

Good ol Uncle Matt.

Me lad,
He's 14.
And he's playing the fools
For the fools they are.

We had a meeting.

Me, the missus and me lad,
It didn't turn out too bad
But, then it did
And we had to take a step back.

Me ol mate.
Me lad.
He's got demons in his head,
That I can't slay...

Cos he's in his room most of the time,
Figuring out his identity.

So, from outside looking in,
I just let him breathe...

Cos he's me lad
An I'm his Dad.

2 days of 14
Is all I get
To see my kids.

48 days of a year
They grow up so quick
I miss everything.

My daughter doesn't stay anymore
But she messages me
When she wants money.

I've always worked
Start early, finish late
Until love went to ****
I had to vacate.

So, I pay child support
To my ex, to my kids
But, I am too poor
To do anything when I see them.

The system is flawed
I am lonesome and poor
Because of my decisions
To be a work horse.

I thought, if I worked
I would get in front
But, the system is broken
Like this silly old ****.

I started again
Got married, fell in love
I adopted her kids
A daughter, and 2 sons.

I keep working, everyday
In hope, it will all work out
But I am broken and poor
And in constant self doubt.

Life is not fair
The system is ******
This is mine, and for yours...

Good luck.

Gentlemen,

You have all been hand picked
To represent me today.

You have all had an impact
On my life.

You all have a place
In my heart.

Your genuine friendship
Has help create awesome memories,
Some of which were so awesome
I am unable to remember.

With you blokes, by my side
While I am reciting my vows
Gives me such pride
And I thank you, for being my mates.

You are all such different fellas
A motley crew, some might say,
The one thing you all have in common,
Is my respect and friendship.

A toast, to my groomsmen,
My boys, my lads, my friends,
Let's make another memory together
This one, I'll try to remember.

Cheers

Remember when
Early days
We'd speak for hours
On the way to work,
In carparks
And places
We'd never been together.
I moved and moved
And showed you it all
I left my children
To escape to the hills,
My failing relationship
Had such a wrath
You deflected the pain
That I couldn't grasp.
At the airport, I saw you
Our very second kiss
We retreated together
Eggs benny and *****.
I went to where the sun always shines
Met your fatherless family
As broken as mine
I introduced myself with embrace,
You came to me
And I fell for you
Perhaps we were rushing
Perhaps it didn't matter.
Half a heart
Announced my love
Allow the flood gates to open
We can say it whenever we like,
And we did, we said "I love you"
After every conversation
Sometimes in the middle
And we meant it.
I dropped a knee
I vaguely recollect
But, I wrote it down
And these words, you collect,
So, we were engaged
Rings exchanged
Lock in a date
Send out invitations.
Leave all you know
Pack up your home
Prepare the kids for change
They just went with the flow,
Move to the desert
Save all out coin
To spend it all
To be together.
Organise dresses, photographers
Meals, venues, drinks
Hire suits, write speeches
Cut out leaves into hearts,
Say our vows, entwine families
Lock in this person
I will love eternally
Forever more.

And here we are...

Married, together, your kids
In the desert
Trying to help them
Support their lifestyles,
Working to keep our heads above water
Paying off our wedding
It is a fickle affair
And, we are just getting started.
There is so much to come
It is difficult and we are worn thin
Tonight, you are silent
So, I let you sleep alone,
You'll probably text me tomorrow
With apologies and such
But, I missed you tonight
No love lost.

Remember when?

Home...

Where is home?
With the people you love?
And the couch that you know?
And the things that you own?

No.

Home is within,
Beneath your stretched skin,
The calmness you feel,
When you are alone,

This is home.

Where you can relax,
Amongst all the chaos,
Home is where you,
Can be you.

Removal of ones mask,
It is where you can bask,
In you individual oddness,
This is home.

Have a good day,
I'll see you at home,
I will start dinner,
See you there.

**

Tainted perspective
Mother led you astray
With her venomous games
You had no choice but to play.

I often wonder, how you are.

An unanswered phone call
No reply to text
Silence  hurts more
Than any verbal flex.

I often wonder, if you're ok.

She has what she wants
To manifest her prediction
Just so she can say
She was right.

I often wonder, who you are.

She has taken all my money
To try to break me
But, the love in my heart
Makes me the richest man alive.

I often wonder, if you're still my daughter.

I can only bide my time
In hope you will see through the lies
Which you had no choice but to believe
You'll understand why I had to leave.

I often wonder, if I'll see you again.

Stained in rust
Amber and oranges
Liquor and green smoke
Tar and feathers and shame  .

I don't want to know your name
Before I knew you
Keep your secrets
They will only deter me  .

This hapless adventure
Of renewal and rebirth
May be killing me
Unbeknownst to me  .

These rose shaded gogs
May be withholding
Important information
That I have been avoiding  .

Get married and find out.

**** your life from a new angle.

Collect memories
Only to forget
Soon after

Burn myself
Just to feel
Something

Endure love
Inhale loss
From afar

Eyes ajar.

Run circles
In a straight line
Fall and climb

Cry on the inside
Outside sigh
Hurry up and die

Nothing in life
Has gone to plan
Thus far

Eyes ajar.

Lick wounds
Gaping and infested
Failures tested

This old boy
Once a young lad
Bitter and sad

Broken from experience
Whoever you were
Whoever you are

Eyes a jar.

If you dare take the time
To acknowledge me and mine
You'll find
I have the same woes as the average Joe
Bills and rent and fines and things
Dinner and dishes and kids without wings
Some estranged, some in my midst
Some in need of a white knuckle fist
Im enraged, and I twist
Til her blessedness kiss
Instils logic
And the white knuckle tints
She calms the erratic
The fiend within
Who wants nothing but chaos
Blasphemy and sin.

She calms it all.

This beautiful missing piece
Who is trying her hardest
To be a mother, a provider
A beautiful lover.
The truth I needed to hear
Spoken ever so delicately
She tells it as she sees it
And she sees it so perfectly.

While I distort
Destroy and maim
She deflects the ignorance
And soaks in the pain,
She is my rock, my solid
My reason why
Nothing will fail
With her by my side.

See you in the kitchen
For slow dances
For dishes
My turn to dry
You choose the song
Don't forget I love you
And if even the song is crap
I'll still think you're ok.

We have bills
Beyond our means
You're beautiful
And I love you more in those jeans
Hold hands as we walk and skip
Stop, just for a wee kiss
I wished for this
And there she is.

Early awake to sleepy kisses
To super gross morning breath
I don't wanna fukn go
But off I go
Have a good day
Seeya after
For slow dances
In the kitchen.

I used to hold him in one arm
Now he stands just as tall
He measures his height against mine
To compare and gloat.

I used to be his number one
Kiss his sores and smack his ***
Now he's just on Instagram
Making friends with strangers.

I see through his silly lies
I understand his silly angst
I try not to get overly mad
To this son of Dad.

He tests my limits
Pushes my buttons
I enforce that he understands
Consequences to his actions.

It wont be long
And he'll be gone
My first born
And oldest son.

Already I miss him
And he's still here
I look forward to the day
We can reminisce over a beer.

He will join me
In work, as an electrician
I will teach him my ways
I will teach him everything.

When we knock off
And he comes over for dinner
Me and his mum
Will make sure it's his favourite.

She's quiet tonight
After our conversation
I had an opinion
Then she went quiet.
Her responses are weak
Her mannerisms timid
I can feel my anger building
But I internalise the demon.
I do not sleep well
Nor does she
I can hear her breathing
I know when she's asleep.
She wakes me unintentionally
I feel I barely slept
She apologises and leaves for work
While I listen to every footstep.
I cannot concentrate at work
Basic responses to trivial questions
I do just enough
To defer any suspicion.
I want her to say I'm wrong
That she doesn't agree
But she internalised her demon
Just like me.

Close the eyes of the heart
Let it rest
Pull the blinds of the mind
That will do for today

Allow the dream to suffocate
Push aside the real
Alone in an overcast sky
Assume the stars still shine

Bleed the stone
Betray the clone
Ignore the phone
Silent in gold

Tomorrow will arrive
Today will die
The aches will subside
If only for a while

Try again when you wake.

Rose coloured eyes
From across the room
Fate not yet
But soon

Our time is coming

You diamond
I'll see you later

Chauffeured home
Bodies alone

Our time is coming

(B)
Collecting memories
Of us and you and me
Open skies and gestured eyes
Every day and all the nights

Our time is here.

This life
This ******* life
I made this nest of ****
Curl up kid.

Agressor push the placid away
Mixed emotion, let them sway
I have come to play and die
Nearly done playing...

Too much time between drinks
Failing at trying to try
Just wake up at five
Go to work.

Inch thick mask
Eroding and revealing
Angry eyes and heated speak
The cracks are beginning to show.

I don't want to clean up
After lazy fools that I don't know
Their **** is their own
In my way.

Lose sleep, try to keep
A solemn smile, keep it sincere
A new internal personal fear
This was all, perhaps, a terrible mistake.

Decisions of the heart
No consultation with the mind
May be my undoing
May hasten this slow suicide.

Just set the alarm
Wake up at five
Contine the charade
I am alive.

This time of year
Close to Christmas
Thoughts of family
Flood the lonely mind,
The twisted complexities
Which attaches us
To one another...
We are bound.

Whether you like it or not
We are bound.

*** holes.

The fridges in a line, their backs against the wall, test tags in date... probably.
They shudder in sync, making their contents jiggle just a bit.

Microwaves with coffee stains, you don't cook tuna in the crib room.

Baby packets of coffee and sugar, paddle pop sticks for a stirrer.

Food and sweat, cooked and fresh. The packs shuffle in, looking for phone charging points.

The scaffies play music, louder than they should, but the music is usually good... except when it's not.

Truckies boisterous, forked tongue, consume vendo pies, dead horse and a Coke on the side.

The pretty sentries, with eyelashes bolted on, stop to take selfies and add to their online stories.

Bosses stroll in, obligatory shoulder pats and one liners, confident and all knowing.

Cranies slow, but they know where to go, pre-packed, brown bag smoko.

Cheeky games of poker, money sorted later, boredom and sleepers, old school and keepers, green hats and newbies, fuckwits and legends... all gather, to the crib room, as if on queue.

For a feed, a graze, a nibble, a chew...

Cos a 12 hour shift is a fukn hard slog.

We grind the day, we achieve and fail,
Every day the same ****, but it's not,
Mornin old mate, lets go **** **** up
We'll catch up again during smoko.

Threads torn
Stubble shown
Wince in the eyes
Shoulders slumped
Sporadic sighs
Heels drag
Ties rust
Split loneliness.

Curl into a ball
Sadness evolves
These wretched wings
Misplaced in a drunken haze
Forget to reply
Wake up to die
Seven missed calls
With my phone by my side.

I am a *******
I deserve none of this.

Smoke like a train
Drink like a fish
Can't ever focus
Gamble like a degenerate.

Starting to hide things
But, this is not the way it is to be.

You are so determined
So in love
With this piece
Of ****.

I eat poorly
Take drugs on the daily
Say, I'm not hungry
And you feel sorry for me .

Selfish lover
Under the covers
Go to sleep
During conversation.

I don't deserve you.

I want to die
Maybe suicide
But I am a *******
Still alive.

**** me
Before
I **** your
Soul.

I don't deserve you.

I say I'm sorry
But,I don't care
This *******
Has no regard.

I'm going to ruin
Your life.

I've made them believe
I am so wholesome
But in actual fact
I am a *******.

They love me
And can see no wrong
But I will destroy
All they know.

I can't change
As I haven't tried
**** me off
Before I **** your life.

You should have never wished me
Happy birthday.

**** me
Before I **** myself.

Put my eyes
Upon the shelf.

Leave my heart
To the dust.

Swear if you must.

Old emotes
Come back to haunt.

No control
Unleash the hound.

This is not what
I though I had found
Just die
Just go
Just drown.

Dad
What are you doing?
Left the misso
But you have 3 kids.

What up?

New life
New misso
Social media
N ****.

What the **** ****?

We see you for a few hours
Every fortnight
During your days off
And it's all a bit ******.

So, you're getting married?
And where are we?
Still living in the ashes
You left us in.

Dad
What are you doing?

Take a breath
Leave for the weekend
Find an enemy
In a friend.
Float to the surface
Like the crud you are
Become sediment
And sink.

See another side
Saw in myself
Dislike the resemblance
Mask up.
Just sleep
Roll over
Go cold
Become reborn tomorrow.

Your pulse will calm
Emotion will exhale
Try again another day
Just get ****** up to refocus.

Move
Crawl
Slither
Digest.

This smile that I fake
Every day...

The mask slips aside
I cannot hide
The silly angst
Behind.

I want the best
For everyone
But let myself die
With thumbs up.

This life
Is not mine
This home
Is alone.

Hopelessly in love
Destroying all of the above.

Dinner's ready honey
Thanks babydoll.

No one understands
This boy, becoming a man
His needs go above anyone else's
An air of selfishness.

He cannot stay home
The rage is fuelled
So, he runs
In circles from couch to couch.

With pent up anger
And misunderstanding
He claws wildly at the world
Missing his mark.

Forcing his opinion
On those that cower
He is an unstoppable juggernaut
Unleashing his power.

As the dust settles, he sees himself
Alone, on a couch, as a child
No bedroom, no family
No place for this boy gone wild.

I entice change and he accepts
Here is a job, here is your space
Here is my love, and my shoulder to sob
Whatever you do, don't quit your job.

I see the smile I thought long gone
And the spark return in his eyes
The rage within has settled for now
And I will be there, for when it returns.

She altered her entire reality
Picked up all her ****
And moved to the desert
For me.

She rolled the dice
On a verbal promise
That I would love her
Until we're dead.

My word
Is oak.

I left my world behind
My kids, my home, my abode
I rolled the dice
On her word.

I gamble my entire life
My heart and soul
That you are the one
I've been searching for.

Safe bet.

Roll the dice
On love.

They change colour.

When I kiss her.

I hesitate, when I kiss her
To savour the moment
To remember every
Fingertip dance.

An adventure
Over vast hills of soft flesh
Inhale as I pass
Dropping sweet kiss mortars.

Soft claws backstroke
Leaving fields of pin ******.

Still don't know
What love is.

She lets me
Take us to a place
We've never been
Or will go again.

She lets me be,

As I gaze
Into pretty pixie eyes...

They change colour
When I kiss her.

Driving in the heavy rain
Chaos peppers downs
Focus distorts
Visibility is false
There is no place
For rational thought
Just plough through
Focus on the dotted lines.

Til we traverse
Under a bridge
And for a minute
All is calm
A breath can be had
I turn to you
With your loving smile
All concern fades
Pressure to focus subsides
It is all fine
With your hand in mine
For this moment in time.

We hit the other side
And it seems as if
The rain hits harder
Both hands back on the wheel.

You are my bridge.

All is quiet for now
But in the distance I can see
A threatening storm
Beginning to form.

On the horizon
It fuels its rage
Flexing its strength
Setting the stage.

With might and fury
It will unleash its anger
Engulfing all in its path
And just getting stronger.

I will stand
As it passes
Beer raised high
In curious laughter.

As the dust settles
And the storm subsides
I will be standing
Right by her side.

I will give her a peck
And help out with dinner
As this storm has nothing
On the love I have for her.

She is my rock
And I am hers
And we will withstand
Any force that confronts us.

Curl into an anxious ball
Wrapped in cloth strewn
On the mattress dragged
To a silent tomb

Numb the phone
Lay and stare at the flickering pixels
Change position once bones creak
Awake still asleep

Salty deluge with no emotion
Perhaps just fatigue and disinterest
No time is now
There is only existence

No sustenance required
As no effort is made
But the mice in my mind
Swarm upon one another

The calm is electric
Letting reality die
Close my eyes one more time
To feel the embrace of my emptiness

Nothing is spoken
But the whispers to myself
Everything that I own
Stays where it is shelved

A crisis of nothing
A catastrophe of bliss
Coiled in angst and self pity
Goodnight my sweet prince