The Autism Mask

She forces herself to go out to lunch,
There is uncertainty of who will be there,
Plays a distinctive role,
Does she stay or does she go?

She’s going..............  

The uncomfortable noise,
of background music playing,
feels like needles penetrating her brain.
Makes her want to flee from the scene.

But she stays.............

Like an actress playing the part with
polite conversation,
oh how she masks,
but inside her brain all is not well,
Even though she can put you under her spell.
This intriguing women cannot see it herself,
frightened all the time by an unknown force,
that makes her think she has failed.

It lingers on and self doubt appears,
no social graces causes her many tears.
People don’t understand her delivery of words,
and time and time again she feels she cannot be heard.

Back home the mask is tossed to one side,
along with politeness and her fake smile.

Now she is safe..................

Your outer shell disintegrated,
layers of dirt between us,
I’m above,
your below,
a void that will never be filled,
now you are gone.

Standing at your grave,
feeling abandoned and lonely,
resentful of the unknown,
powerless to the point of denying my reality,
as if it was a dream,
only to wake and realise,
I have to live another day without you.

Kneeling over you,
grief bites into my veins,
taking me to a place I don’t want to go,
exhausted by endless tears,
my body lays on the mound,
wishing the sod to engulf me,
so we can be together again.

By Rachel Goddard

Your to Blame

Who’s to blame, for driving me insane,
Inert words that cause me pain.
The pain they deliver,
pierces my already wounded heart,
and takes me back,
to the bedroom in the dark.

It started with a tap on the knee,
then it was a tickle,
innocently I laughed,
and giggled.

Very soon the laughter diminished, you in control,
and I’m wishing I was dead,
I realise what sickening thoughts,
were replaying in your head,
that day you threw a little ******* the bed.

The disgusting stench,
has not dulled my senses,
forever imprinted in my brain,
I  now know why I am insane,
and,
you are definitely,
the one I blame.

The lie you told has tortured my soul, now your the one who feels in control.
I see that vicious Narcissistic grin,
Oh how I wish you could see your ugly sin.

Your actions so harsh all because you can’t deal with your past.  
That wicked monster that lay dormant for years, is continuing to laugh at my innocent tears.

So years have now gone by, I’ve learnt to live with your lies.  
Torn apart from what should be mine, you claim to love, nothing good comes from your heart.

You will now have to deal with that lie, laying on your inevitable death bed, I shall not cry.  
Go tell the universe what you have done, it will whisper back, you are wrong.

So was that lie worth it in the end, no I bet it drove you round the bend, you poor wicked women,
In my eyes now you have been forgiven.

By Rachel Goddard

We walked in darkness,
hands clenched tightly,
the moon seemed to sparkle,
lighting up our pathway across the meadow.

Destination unknown, but no fear,
I feel the excitement pulsating through your hand,
face to face we stand.

Crystal eyes of blue, the smell of fresh grass, our breathlessness making us aware of our senses.
I hear the gushing waterfall,
as it spits out its fury,
into my soul,
turning it to gold.

I feel my blood gushing through my body,
triggering a delight,
that I wish to share,
instantly you are aware.

No kiss was needed,
just a desire to be wanted,
oh how you made me feel so wanted,
in this exact moment in time,
you are now mine,
we are as one.

Pastures of green,
in the dark,
look like blue,
a fantasy came true,
that perfect night,
I shared with you.

By Rachel Goddard

The reels are rolling,
once upon a time there was high,
now money is depleting before my very eyes.
I increase the odds,
believing it’s my turn to win,
instead all I feel is shame,
beckoning me to do it all over again.

All I wanted was to get out of debt,
instead my losses were creating more regrets.

Today my secret was laid bare for all to see,
I feel naked, ashamed,
frightened of the outcome,
third parties scrutinising my mistakes,
the stigma to much,
I can no longer take.

It feels like giving birth to a demon,
this ***** debt I have incurred,
the pressure of keeping my head above water,
swallowing and choking ,
I cannot be heard.

When your debts are high and your mood is low don’t go there,
your cries won’t be heard.

Trust me you will get ****** in by a small win,
please don’t ever go there,
remember,
the house always wins!