Pull me flush against you
Skin on skin
Grasp my waist tightly under my shirt
And allow me to freely roam my hands
Across your chest
Stare at me as I admire the masterpiece
That is you
Close your eyes as I roughly run my hands
Through your hair
Only to gently press my lips
Against your eyelids
Forehead
Cheekbones
Jawline
Corners of your lips
And on the tip of your nose
I want your breath
Panting
In my ear
I want to feel your hands
Against my body and its curves
As your eyes lock onto mine
Soaking in all of my expressions
As you explore parts of my body
No one has before
I want to hear the quick intake of air
When I tell you I love you
As my lips are pressed against your heart

There are not many statements
That can apply to all humans
But
The desire to be unconditionally
Loved
Accepted
To have your existence be genuinely acknowledged
The desire to be enough
Is at the core of every human

We look to others from our own places
Of insecurity and rejection
Thinking that they have it all
That they feel unconditionally loved
Accepted
Genuinely acknowledged
Enough
Forgetting that they too
Are most likely acting behind a
Perfect facade concocted by society
Searching for this unconditional love
For acceptance
The the feeling of being enough
But they project the version
That the world says is enough
Is worthy to be loved
But that love is conditional

We are taught
You need to become something or someone to deserve love
This love won’t satisfy anyone in the long run
It is conditional

If you sat down with the people you admire
The people that you think have it all
That if you were them you wouldn’t have anything to complain about
You’d feel enough
You’d feel loved and accepted
If you sat down with them
And had an honest conversation
About each person’s insecurities
You’d realize that everyone is broken
Trying to search for unconditional love
Acceptance
Acknowledgment
Yet we look towards one another
Forgetting that those that appear to have those things in fact don’t
And are also searching
Just like you

We are poets
We possess a power
Different from one another
But unlike any other

We are like musicians
Some of our best pieces
Come from heartbreak
Or sorrow
We might not add beats in the background
But our words
On paper
Speak for themselves
And no tunes are needed
To add to its potency

We are like artists
We paint pictures in people's minds
Maybe not through oils or watercolors
But with our thoughts
With our minds

As cliche as it sounds
Our paint brushes are our pens
We create masterpieces
So unique
So intricately complex
Or powerfully simple

Just as a painter brings to life
An image that's never been seen before
Through strokes and brushes and smears
We possess the power
To do so
With our words

Through the emptiness of one's thoughts
We bring to life
Images
Emotions
Memories

We are poets
You
And
Me
We possess a power
Different from one another
But unlike any other

Life's a funny old time
When I was younger
I thought I knew exactly how my life would turn out and who I would be
Now
After so much pain and trauma and accomplishments and perseverance
I no longer align with who I thought I'd be at this age in my life
I stare into mirrors and see someone who doesn't look familiar
Foreign
She is a glaring reminder that I've grown into someone I am not yet intimate with
I do not know her
She's busied herself with working overtime
Enmeshed in depression
Her first love
Mary
And the night shift life
It's a hard pill to swallow
Coming to terms with the discrepancy between who I thought I'd be with who I feel I am now
It's a constant tug between accepting and denying this reality
I wish I could continue sleep walking in the numbness this long season of depression has granted me
But I move to days in three short weeks
9 shifts left
I honor this time but recognize I am ready to set this time in my life down
It will be greatly missed
But I need day light to find time in my week to fall in love with myself again
Learning who I am now
Embracing the ways in which I've shrunk and stretched and collapsed
Exploring through boredom and hobbies old and new

You're the kind of girl
That doesn’t get asked out
Not because no one wants to
But because we’re too scared to
You see
You’re the utopia we hope to have one day
But the thing with utopias is that
They're never meant to be obtained
But yearned for

Have you ever felt like
You’ve been living someone else’s life
Like the persona you’ve adopted
Has never felt authentically yours
Molding your flesh within socially constructed binaries
Ambiguity is not tolerated
It causes discomfit
Because one can not manipulate dominant and control it
Emotions are inferior
To the pristine nature of logic
It has no place to be revered
For the physiological messengers it is within our bodies

I wish someone had told me
when I was much younger
To befriend
Rejection
Constructive criticism
And tension or discomfort

Most things are a balance of fears
So what do I fear more
Rejection
Criticism
Discomfort
Or missed opportunities

I hope to lean towards
The rejection
The criticism
The discomfort
The tension
In hopes of encountering more opportunities

i use words and phrases
almost everyday
and yet
i find myself realizing that i do not truly understand
the meaning behind the words i use
and it numbs me
language is powerful
and yet i find myself confused of the one i possess

FORGIVE
/fərˈɡiv/
verb
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake

have i ever truly forgiven those that i told myself i have
this definition shocked me
i use it often and yet i did not even know what it really meant

COURAGEOUS
/kəˈrājəs/
adjective
the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation

the list goes on and on
...
..
.

beyond procreation
and even beyond spiritual growth
I think the purpose of romantic relationships
is to be caretakers of each others traumatized parts
and to love those parts
and to hold space for those parts
because what that does
is it gives our partner and ourselves
what is called a disconfirming experience
that's a corrective experience
that was missing when they were growing up
so it's not that you're being their mother
or father or whatever
but you're giving this part of their personality
a safe space to finally express itself
to not be rejected
to not be abandoned
and to not be shamed
that is so so powerful
and people will try to do all kinds of stuff
instead of that
get a pluses
make ten million
do a launch
get a million followers
but all we're looking for is a corrective experience
of parts of ourselves
that have never really been allowed to see the light of day
it's an important process

all relationship drama  
the purpose of it
is to surface the trauma
and to have it be resolved in the relationship
not separated
that is the goal
to be a safe container for each other

we can use relationships
to be this container of our healing

because in relational trauma cycles
when you pick someone
who's not emotionally available
the benefit to your nervous system
is that you don't have to be be vulnerable either
so there is a level of safety in that

I find myself asking if it’s
The the number of views
The the number of likes
Whether or not it’s trending
If it’s constantly a work in progress
Or an idea that has yet come to light
If it’s a simple sentence
Or fills pages in my notebook
If it’s about
Love
Or Pain
If I’ve written my best one already
Or if it’s still on it’s way
Due to something that’ll happen in my life
That I’m currently unaware of
If it’s publsihed on Hello Poetry
Or lies between the wrinkled pages
Of notebooks left in my closet at home

death and ignorance

My fantasies
They consist of the little things
The intimate moments
That don’t cost much
Or require grand gestures in front of many
I dream of
Holding hands while you kiss my knuckles
Forehead kisses
Lifting my chin up to catch my eyes
Piggyback rides
Wearing your sweatshirts that you sprayed your cologne on
Going on a calm walk together in silence
Where we enjoy each other’s presence
Slow kisses that are filled with passion
Rubbing your thumb across my cheek
Outlining my smile
Hugging me tightly around my waist from behind
Placing your head in the crook of my neck
Lightly kissing me to tease me
Going to the beach at sunset while
Eating ice cream in a waffle cone
From the back of your trunk
Wrapped in blankets with music in the background
Playing competitive games
Cuddling for hours
Where you finally let me be big spoon
Closing your eyes as you let me
Explore your face with my eyes and hands
Because you know I get shy
Going to the movies and sharing popcorn
Car rides in the rain as we listen to music
Singing at the top of our lungs to one another
Having you braid my hair
After I teach you how to do it
Massaging your back
Working out together
Going to a bonfire and sitting on your lap with a blanket covering us
Coming to my house at random hours
Of the night to take me away
On a spontaneous trips
Watching the sunrise together
These
Are a few of my fantasies
I just want the free intimate moments
With you
The basics of a relationship
That typically get overlooked
Those
Are my fantasy
Ones that I want continuously
Even after we get married and have kids

I was once asked
What my biggest turn on was
Usually
People begin to explain a specific aesthetic
Or cliche action
But to me
It’s reciprocation
Just knowing that someone wants you
The same way you want them
Speaks louder than any physical feature
The fact that they could choose anyone
In this world of eight billion people
And they decided to choose to
Be intimate with you
And reciprocate that desire
Physically and emotionally
Is the biggest turn on

you told me you loved me
that i would always have a special place in your heart
you wiped my tears away with your thumbs repeatedly
as i broke down in front of you in that parking lot
you told me that you would always be there for me
that i could reach out to you at any moment

well
you lied

i guess when the circumstances changed
so did the conditions of your words

i hate you for it
for showing me what love could look like
but part of me doesn't
it thanks you for giving me that experience

it was a grounding moment for me
one that breathed so much life into my lungs
yet your silence soon afterwards felt more crushing than any simile i could think of

fu*k you
but also
thank you

It’s crazy
To think so much
About how I wished we met
In different circumstances
In a different environment
With a different context
You see
Where you meet someone
And who you’re with
Have a heavy influence
On the way in which you converse
And interact with another
Especially if you’ve never met before
For example
If you’re in a bar or dance club
You’ll interact with someone differently
Than if you met that same person
In a church or classroom
Because the environment has such a sway
In conversation etiquette and topics
If you’re hanging out with your older brothers
And their friends come over
The way in which they talk to you
Will be different because of your relation
To those around you and their presence
So even if they find you attractive
Even if they are known to be **** boys
You’ll get to see a different side of them
That you would have never seen
Had the environment and people been different
So I can’t help it but wonder
How our conversation would be
If we met in a different environment
Surrounded by different people
If you’d hit on me
If you’d be polite
If you’d be disrespectful
If you’d be quiet
As we spoke to one another
So next time
Be conscious of the environment you’re in
Of the people you’re around
Be conscious of the conversation etiquette
Of the approved conversation topics
Use it to your advantage
Or don’t
Either way
Just be conscious

I firmly believe that
we express to the extent of our understanding
you express forgiveness
to the extent that you understand forgiveness
you express love
to the extent that you understand love
you express humility
to the extent that you understand humility
if your understanding is distorted
your expression is an extent of that
however
it is important to note
that we express what has been shown
to others
and to ourselves
when we were young
we gained these relational templates
through our youth
your ability to forgive
love
is heavily influenced by the way
it was demonstrated to you
and to those around you

You say you love me
But not in that way
As a friend
You say
But I can’t harbor these festering feelings
Within me any longer

If I was aesthetically prettier
Would you say you love me
In that way
If you were attracted to my looks
The way you say you are to my personality
Would you then
Pursue me

When I write poetry
I aspire to not change the way
Someone thinks
But to inspire them to think
For there is beauty in diversity
Diversity in thought is admirable
Regardless of the thought itself

I don't want to capture
A guy's attention
With my body
But with my words
That speak with such
Depth and complexity
It silences his own
And makes him ponder
The ones that escape my lips
And drift into reality
Only to be left lurking
In the forefront of his thoughts
For many hours
After our conversations have drifted
Into the cold
Crisp wind
Of the cool night air

For someone
Who claims to not be good
With expressing your emotions
You sure know how to make me
Love
Laugh
Cry
Break
With. Those. Eyes.

I am proud of the woman you are right now in this moment of your life. Your light, your shadow, the contradictions you so boldly engage in introspective dialogue. The way youre figuring out your moral compass. I love the way you laugh before you cry. I love that you allow yourself to feel in such colorful saturation of each emotion. I’m not sure how to do that. To be able to stay with your emotions in an authentic and non-destructive way. I admire that you are doing the tough and lonely inner work that I feel I do not have the courage nor bravery to do myself. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and continue to hurt you. I’m sorry I’ve shown you what it’s like to cry the most painful of tears. I’m sorry I do not know any language other than shame and abuse. I’m sorry that you are healing the parts of myself that I never got to grieve which I then gave you genetically. You are so strong, diana. Never forget that, even when I scream at you that you are weak as you cry before me begging me to stop talking. I admire your ability to be defiant in your NOs and the way you push back against oppressive systems that are embedded in others and myself. I’m sorry that you cry alone in your room and find more safety in there than in my arms. These hands do not know how to hold your pain and to offer gentle comfort. Please forgive me. I’m trying.

-Love Mom, a messy and beautiful and complicated human being who has experienced horrendous abuse by those who were also messy and beautiful and complicated human beings

wrap me in your finest silk
kiss the bruises left behind by past's careless lovers
hold my hands delicately and place them gently on your jawline
closing your eyes as you turn your head and press your cheek
against my left palm
lay me down on your bed
place those lips of yours against the inside of my right thigh
as you would with a rosary
and whisper your blessings as you rest your tongue between them

WHERE ARE YOU
do you think of me before you sleep
am I in your prayers
DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN SOULMATES
can I still be yours
because I still believe
I have to
because just the thought of you
keeps me alive
even though we’ve never met

I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE
I just want someone to hug
someone to cuddle with
someone to kiss
someone to hold hands with
I CRAVE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL
INTIMACY
because I’ve been depraved of it
for far too long

sometimes I cry
because I feel the gravity of my loneliness
because I just want to be held
for longer than 3 seconds

I feel
TIRED
ALONE
EXHAUSTED
and ISOLATED
when will it all go away
how much longer must I wait
before you
the love of my life
meet
so we don’t have to feel so empty
anymore

to the ones
that are heavy burdened and beaten down
by the cruelties of life and its wicked ways
you are more
than the scattered and broken pieces
left of life's destructive tools
used to pummel you down to nothingness

to the ones
that struggle to barely lift
the unbearable weight
of their parents and peers expectations
that grow and spread like flesh eating viruses
slowly but surely taking pieces of you away
you are more than your labels
more than your image  
but most importantly
you are more than the materialistic values
that you superficially hold

to the ones
that either hold fluttering butterflies or stinging bees
in their stomachs
you are more
than your raging teenage hormones

to the ones
that struggle to accept the skin that they live in
you are more
than the decaying shell
that we call our bodies
because the most beautiful people
are the ones who are quietly unaware of it

to the ones
that see life in billions of shades of grey
you are more
than the color in which you see life in
it might just take a lover
to rub the dust off your lens

to the ones
that feel as though they don't fit in
you are more
than the conformity you see around you
because progress wasn't made without diversity

I hope you know
You are worth it

You are worth the time and energy needed
To gently break down the walls you’ve built
Protectively around yourself

You are worth the quiet moments
You are worth the noise

You are worth the rage
You are worth the laughter

You are worth the painful tears
You are worth the face splitting smiles

there are people less qualified than you
doing the things you wish to do
the only difference
they believed in themselves
you did not
this is an idea that spoke to me in volumes
when i first heard it
my wish for you
dear reader
is that you find the courage
to believe in yourself

Some didn’t see it right away
Because their minds weren’t capable
Of realizing the magnitude of its meaning
Some overlooked it
Because the time they needed to put in
Exceeded their curiosity
But some cherished and understood it
For a classic is a classic for a reason
And some may never have the privilege
Of ever learning or understanding it
Because they were
Too shy
Too intimidated
Too lazy
Too occupied
To open the cover
And discover
The beauty
That is you

It’s as if
Every word
Every phrase
Every thought
That escapes your lips
Is something that can be captured
And worthy to frame
Worthy to be quoted
Worthy to be printed and shared in books

It’s almost a contradiction
To love someone
When they are angry
When they are jealous
When they are vain
But it’s easy for many
To love someone
When they are joyful
When they are humble
When they are empathetic
It’s as if we have been misled
To provide conditional positive regard
Unconditional love
Is hard to encounter
A blessing to receive
And a burden to maintain

your hair
was meant to be brushed behind your face
by the strength of the winds

your *******
were meant to be kissed by the sun
during its nightly deaths where you watch it bleed across the sky
in all its rebellious hues

the soles of your feet
were meant to feel the fresh dew on grass
as you run through a field lit up by the moon

you were meant to be felt by the earth
do not take her gentle caresses in vain

Your words lurk in the back of your mind
Brewing a storm of emotions
Ready to destroy

They seep through your skin
Permeating the air
They escape your pursed lips
Biting anyone who comes in contact

Your words
They flow through you
And enter reality
With a vengeance

But one day
You will meet someone
Someone filled with so much light
So much hope inside
That your words can't penetrate
And with that
You will meet your match