One of the most destructive things
A person can do to themselves
Is to place the responsibilities
That only they can truly fulfill
Onto others
Whether that be
Self acceptance
Purpose
Loving oneself
Or happiness
No one else can build the stable foundation except yourself
They can only add onto what you’ve previously build

Your presence alone
Is enough
No words are needed to be said
No actions are needed to be expressed
Just your presence alone
Is enough

i wanna dive
into the field of your thoughts
that is your mind
i wanna drive
through the emotions fighting and declaring war
in your eyes
i wanna swim
in your laughter
that transforms your entire body
to such a warm hue
i wanna touch
the glass that your heart coats itself in
so jagged yet fragile
i might get cut
but i know that you are a beauty i wont come by again
in this lifetime
s           o

what do you say     
                                       a
                                   e        p
will you take this l                 with me

live in the m o m e n t 
                                                      g
stop t                                      n
             h                          i
                    i            k
                          n
and just
e
    x
  i
     s
t

with m  
          e

Just a glimpse
Three seconds to be exact
Just like the research told me
That’s all it took
For me to continue my
Lingering stares

I would look for you
In places where I’ve seen you before
Trying to flirt with the butterflies
No dinosaurs
In the pit of my stomach
So that they could take five
Just enough time for me to be bold
To be confident in myself
Enough to look at you
For more than three seconds
Without quickly darting my gaze away

I’m not sure what captured my attention
There was just something unspoken
About you
But I wonder if it was just neediness
Because it’s been years
Since I really liked anyone
So maybe I like you
Because I miss the feeling
Of have a crush
Of having the nervousness
The sweaty palms
The shy smiles
Rosy blushes
Face splitting grins

Maybe I only have a crush on you
Because I needed the reminder
Of what it’s like
To have a crush
Because now that I’ve seen you
A few times
I think the infatuation has subsided
I love it
Yet I hate it
All at the same time

Tell me
How can I make you
See yourself
Through my eyes
And not yours

I hope whatever you’re hoping for
In this experience
Meets you there

I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Love
Happiness
Joy

it is so powerful
it carries with it an overlooked beauty
it comes in various forms
and has the ability to convey so much information
once you become aware of its divine magnificence

when it comes to the hand
there are many tightly bundled sensory neurons spread across its surface
especially on the tips of your fingers
whether you gently stroke someone's bottom lip in wonder
firmly press your finger tips into the waist of a passionate lover
softly cradle the hand of a newborn
make stinging contact with the cheek of an individual which you scorn

then there are the lips
they are one of the most sensitive areas on your body
with over a million nerve endings
so even the slightest brush
sends a cascade of information to our brains
they are our body's most exposed erogenous zone
yet they also can communicate many different
sensations and experiences
whether that be the sensual brush of another's lips against yours
the soft feeling of a baby's hair as you kiss them goodbye
or the euphoric high that numbs them as you dance in bliss

there is also the tongue
the ears
the *******
and so on

touch
it is so powerful
it has the ability to convey the way you feel
about others and yourself
it can also demonstrate the feelings
that others have towards you

The more you spread your legs
The less your social worth becomes
Do not *******
It’s only for boys
Your body shouldn’t yield pleasure
Only pain
Careful with your eyes
Don’t look into mine for too long
Avert your gaze
You’re supposed to be submissive
Watch that mouth of yours
Sew it shut with your needle and thread
Smile more
You look like an entitled *****
No one really thinks you're THAT pretty anyways
Why’d you get in my way
Move over
Take up less space
Be thinner
Talk quieter
Talk less
In fact
I wish you were a doll
They’re prettier to look at and annoy me less

While I would lay on your chest
Your lips pressed against my neck
As your fingertips drew on my back
I would always quietly ask you
What you were writing
You would smile
Which I would feel travel from my throat
To my soul
And gently say my full name
But with your last name

While I would lay on your bare chest
Your lips pressed against my neck
As your fingertips drew on my back
When mine drew
I love you
Which you weren’t aware of yet
On your shoulder
I would always quietly ask you
What you were writing
Your response
Time and time again
Would only be a smile
Which I would feel travel from my throat
To my soul
But today
You gently said my full name
But with your last name

Empty
Devoid of any human experience
Regarding the beauty
In sensual physicality with another soul
One that deeply revers me
To the point of supernatural ecstasy
Found in the quick secretive glances from across a room
To the beautiful throes of passion
Which is only a black dark hole in my brain
Since it does not present itself as a reality
My reality
Yet
So here I lay
At 1:26am on a Tuesday night
During my spring break
As a sophomore in college
Listening to ******* by pink sweat$
On repeat in the dark
Writing poetry
As I feel the ache
Of never experiencing the sensual ache
Caused by the
Sounds
Looks
Touches
Of another
Of anyone other than my own *******
But one day
I’ll read to you
My love
All of my poems
Where I ache to be with my soulmate
Because I know you’re out there
It’s just not our time
Right now
In this moment
As I lay on my bed
Writing poems about missing you
And your touch
Which I know I’ll love
So
Until then
[insert name of soulmate]

Does my touch
Give you goosebumps
Like yours does

Does my warm smile
Melt a little of the ice
Surrounding your heart
Like yours does

Does the sound of my name
From another's lips
Cause the corners of yours
To lift upward
Like yours does

Does my existence
Give you comfort
Like yours does

I am a castle
I’m a mystery to everyone from the outside
Many are eager to find a way in
To escape undetected from my security
Climb their way only to judge the interior
Compare it to the exterior
Which is the only image I’ve allowed
Them to judge
However
No one
Will see the real me
That locks herself away from the
Destructive and dehumanizing eyes
Of those that secretly desire
To be the castle
A price too high
For anyone
To live with
Once the truth is unveiled

One night
Two strangers
Full of intimate and raw conversations
No rules
No limitations
But
The catch
We will never meet again
No exchange of contact information
Which only adds to the allure of the night
Just a boy and a girl
Who have never met prior
Free to express
Any and every
Emotion
Fear
Wish
Hope
Free to say exactly what’s on their mind
Without a societal filter
Free to express and play with the art of lying
Painting an illusion of yourself
To another stranger
Who wouldn’t know any better
Be who you truly are
Or
Be who you really wish you were
For a few hours
What do you have to lose

Baby please
Please express yourself unconditionally
Because I will love you
Unconditionally
Give me the good and the bad
Don’t pick and choose
What you want me to see
I want to see the most authentic version
Of you
The one you hide
From everyone
Even from yourself
Let me see you
The unrevised you that you try so hard
To conceal
You fear rejection if you show me
But what you don’t see
Is that I’ve already done this process
With myself
I’ve stripped away my facade
To the point where I was just a string
Of stereotypes and personas
And it was in that moment
Where I began to explore who I truly was
When I learned to love myself unconditionally
It’s a daily battle
Healing
Even quite messy
Yet no one tells you that version of it
But I’m here for you
Just like another was there for me
So baby
Please
Please break for me
No
Break for you
So that you can learn to love yourself
Unconditionally
In the way that I love you
Unconditionally

She was precious treasure
Hidden deep
Within the dark waters
Of an ocean floor
But he became too tired
Of holding his breath
Every time
He tried to find her

In order to share myself with someone
It implies that I know myself
So before I go into a relationship
I must first know myself
I must first know how to date myself
How I respond
When I’m excited
When I’m mad
When I’m sad
What my love language is
What my apology language is
What my remedy is when I’m down
How to label my emotions
And engage with them
So that I can accurately communicate
Them with another

I'm numb
Maybe in a depressed state
For sure in a depressed state
It's grief
Again

You've left
We've said our goodbyes
And it felt inadequate
Less than what I imagined it would be

I left numb
And it has carried with me since

Goodbyes are sacred
And yet I ******* hate them
Yet this time
There was no ghosting
No bitterness left unsaid

We came
As best as we could
To each session
And as all seasons tend to go
It ended
Maybe paused
We shall see in autumn
What out souls find to be true
About what happens to us
Our dynamic relationship

I feel incomplete
Like there's this itch I must've thought I scratched
But I realize now I didn't
Oh well
The depressed state I'm in doesn't seem to worry much about it now

No one wrote this blueprint in life for me
Much of anything else
So as I've done before
I do now
Trailblaze into a territory unknown
Except this time
I no longer have her next to me
In the way I did before

Her afterthoughts curled themselves
Around her hollow heart
Which erratically  thumped offbeat
In her chest
Like poisonous weeds
Disguised as blooming flowers

“I don’t hate you
I just lost respect for you”

I want the kind of love where
Even when I'm upset
Even when I'm angry
At you
And I deserve the right to be
I can look you in the eyes
With tears streaming down my face
And still be able to whisper
I love you

The world's idea of perfection
Is unattainable
Which is why people are never satisfied
But
Isn't that what those of power want
People to never be satisfied
With themselves
So they try to mold themselves
Into something that no one can be

They attempt to be
"Perfect"
Grow muscles
Inject implants
Manipulate their flesh
Until it's just right

Yet
They will never achieve something
That's perfect
They will never be satisfied
Even though they strive to be
Because it's all
Unrealistic
Unattainable

Just once
I want the hot guy
To notice me
To boldly pursue me
So sue me
For wanting to revel
In vanity
For a brief eternity

Pull me flush against you
Skin on skin
Grasp my waist tightly under my shirt
And allow me to freely roam my hands
Across your chest
Stare at me as I admire the masterpiece
That is you
Close your eyes as I roughly run my hands
Through your hair
Only to gently press my lips
Against your eyelids
Forehead
Cheekbones
Jawline
Corners of your lips
And on the tip of your nose
I want your breath
Panting
In my ear
I want to feel your hands
Against my body and its curves
As your eyes lock onto mine
Soaking in all of my expressions
As you explore parts of my body
No one has before
I want to hear the quick intake of air
When I tell you I love you
As my lips are pressed against your heart

There are not many statements
That can apply to all humans
But
The desire to be unconditionally
Loved
Accepted
To have your existence be genuinely acknowledged
The desire to be enough
Is at the core of every human

We look to others from our own places
Of insecurity and rejection
Thinking that they have it all
That they feel unconditionally loved
Accepted
Genuinely acknowledged
Enough
Forgetting that they too
Are most likely acting behind a
Perfect facade concocted by society
Searching for this unconditional love
For acceptance
The the feeling of being enough
But they project the version
That the world says is enough
Is worthy to be loved
But that love is conditional

We are taught
You need to become something or someone to deserve love
This love won’t satisfy anyone in the long run
It is conditional

If you sat down with the people you admire
The people that you think have it all
That if you were them you wouldn’t have anything to complain about
You’d feel enough
You’d feel loved and accepted
If you sat down with them
And had an honest conversation
About each person’s insecurities
You’d realize that everyone is broken
Trying to search for unconditional love
Acceptance
Acknowledgment
Yet we look towards one another
Forgetting that those that appear to have those things in fact don’t
And are also searching
Just like you

We are poets
We possess a power
Different from one another
But unlike any other

We are like musicians
Some of our best pieces
Come from heartbreak
Or sorrow
We might not add beats in the background
But our words
On paper
Speak for themselves
And no tunes are needed
To add to its potency

We are like artists
We paint pictures in people's minds
Maybe not through oils or watercolors
But with our thoughts
With our minds

As cliche as it sounds
Our paint brushes are our pens
We create masterpieces
So unique
So intricately complex
Or powerfully simple

Just as a painter brings to life
An image that's never been seen before
Through strokes and brushes and smears
We possess the power
To do so
With our words

Through the emptiness of one's thoughts
We bring to life
Images
Emotions
Memories

We are poets
You
And
Me
We possess a power
Different from one another
But unlike any other

Life's a funny old time
When I was younger
I thought I knew exactly how my life would turn out and who I would be
Now
After so much pain and trauma and accomplishments and perseverance
I no longer align with who I thought I'd be at this age in my life
I stare into mirrors and see someone who doesn't look familiar
Foreign
She is a glaring reminder that I've grown into someone I am not yet intimate with
I do not know her
She's busied herself with working overtime
Enmeshed in depression
Her first love
Mary
And the night shift life
It's a hard pill to swallow
Coming to terms with the discrepancy between who I thought I'd be with who I feel I am now
It's a constant tug between accepting and denying this reality
I wish I could continue sleep walking in the numbness this long season of depression has granted me
But I move to days in three short weeks
9 shifts left
I honor this time but recognize I am ready to set this time in my life down
It will be greatly missed
But I need day light to find time in my week to fall in love with myself again
Learning who I am now
Embracing the ways in which I've shrunk and stretched and collapsed
Exploring through boredom and hobbies old and new

You're the kind of girl
That doesn’t get asked out
Not because no one wants to
But because we’re too scared to
You see
You’re the utopia we hope to have one day
But the thing with utopias is that
They're never meant to be obtained
But yearned for

Have you ever felt like
You’ve been living someone else’s life
Like the persona you’ve adopted
Has never felt authentically yours
Molding your flesh within socially constructed binaries
Ambiguity is not tolerated
It causes discomfit
Because one can not manipulate dominant and control it
Emotions are inferior
To the pristine nature of logic
It has no place to be revered
For the physiological messengers it is within our bodies

I wish someone had told me
when I was much younger
To befriend
Rejection
Constructive criticism
And tension or discomfort

Most things are a balance of fears
So what do I fear more
Rejection
Criticism
Discomfort
Or missed opportunities

I hope to lean towards
The rejection
The criticism
The discomfort
The tension
In hopes of encountering more opportunities

i use words and phrases
almost everyday
and yet
i find myself realizing that i do not truly understand
the meaning behind the words i use
and it numbs me
language is powerful
and yet i find myself confused of the one i possess

FORGIVE
/fərˈɡiv/
verb
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake

have i ever truly forgiven those that i told myself i have
this definition shocked me
i use it often and yet i did not even know what it really meant

COURAGEOUS
/kəˈrājəs/
adjective
the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation

the list goes on and on
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