Look me in the eyes
Speak of sugarcoated lies
It will be then when I realize
That you and I were meant to die

I desire to passionately kiss your skin
Feel your heartbeat
Beneath my lips

I desire to run my swollen lips
Across your jaw and
Down your neck

I desire to hear your
Heartbeat
Quicken its pace
Breathing
Become erratic
Moans
Release freely
From those precious lips
Of yours

I desire to feel
Your body
Flush against mine
Our hands
Selfishly intertwined
Listen to our hearts
Beat
Together in time

Continuous perfection
Leads to overlooked accomplishments
A renewed definition of ordinary
Takes root
Soon
Perfection
Loses its value
People's compliments
Lose their presence

Everyone forgets their fears
When they’re distracted
For fear
Is a matter of perception

His words whisper
Against my flushed cheeks
Crawl into my ears
And infiltrate my mind
Causing all thoughts to cease
Until the only ones left
Are his

My senses have blurred
And they all have one source
Him
My lips taste of his
My hands touch his
My eyes stare into his
My ears listen to the words
That fall off his lips
And drip with honey
Laced with wild lavender

My nose fills with his all-consuming scent
A scent that cannot be compared
To any other in the form of a smilie
Because it is uniquely his
And is unlike anything
That has ever been before

My senses have blurred
So all I taste is him
All I feel is him
All I see is him
All I hear is him
All I smell is him

My senses have blurred
And so have my thoughts
Because now
They only consist of poems
That describe him
And only him

As humans
We are constantly changing

Those friends from high school
You said bye to on graduation day
The next time you see them
You'll be slightly or drastically different
They'll be too
Because our experiences shape us
Into who we are

Furthermore
When we
Fall in love
With someone
We fall in love with the person
That they currently are
And as time passes
I do believe that we fall in love
With that same person
Over
And
Over
Again
Because they aren't the same person
You aren't the same person
That you were
When you first fell in love
With each other

She missed the red flags
Because they felt like home

Numbing the pain
Is so much easier than feeling it

I wanted to take a few shots tonight
Sit in the buzz
And not the grief and sorrow
But I’m afraid I’ll get lost in the toxic substance
Just like many others in my family have
It’s why I don’t keep it in my place
I don’t want the option
So I eliminate it altogether
For nights like these
Where I want to numb myself

I once read the lines
“Practically on top of us
is a girl
with long brown hair
a black hoodie
and the tightest jeans I have ever seen
I automatically hate her
because those jeans
make her look good”
From a book

This mentality bothers me
I mean
Why can't we
Admire another girl's beauty
Instead of becoming jealous
Or envious of it
While attempting to find
A flaw of theirs
To counteract their beauty
Why can't we just appreciate it
While loving ourselves
Completely
Without making ourselves feel less
Important
Or desirable
Or worthy
Because they have something
That is "better"
Which is entirely subjective
Due to the fact
That there are many opinions
Of what being beautiful
Aesthetically means
Since there are many people
In this world
Which in itself
Is beautiful

You are the rose
Without the thorns

When someone asks you a personal question
Whether that be
How old are you
How much do you make
Have you ever had ***
How many people have you slept with
What’s your greatest fear
How many people hit on you
Would you sleep with me if I asked
Never
And I mean never
Answer out of obligation while you feel uneasy about sharing your response
Stop
Pause
And listen
Listen to the changes in your body
The emotions you’re feeling
And the thoughts you have
Most people feel forced
To engage in conversation
Due to social expectations
But don’t let yourself be manipulated
You never have to share
Something about yourself
With another
It is a privilege
To be able to learn about someone
To discover more of their mystery
And this privilege isn’t a right to all
So
If you don’t want to share your response
Flip the script
Ask them
What do you think
This then will force them to feel like they have to answer
And depending on their social wisdom
Or lack there of
They will answer
And their response will reveal
More about them
And their perception of you
Than if you were to answer the question

Flower blooming
In the dead of winter
Even the harshest of winds
Are no match for her roots
She survives
Regardless of the seasons
For her growth
Is indestructible
Never again
Will she listen
To the dead around her
That wilted away
Behind layers of frost

men may be the head of the household
but do not confuse
role for power
i have met egotistical dominant *******
and push over submissive women

there is purpose in roles
i do not forget this
but when one mistakes a role
in relation to an assumed power structure
foolishness emerges

it is good for the man to be the head
it is good for the woman to be the body
for one is nothing without the other
and due to this
they must be seen as equals
with different functions
that influence each other
and work together to create a product
that surpasses anything
one party can produce alone

An aesthetically beautiful woman
Is more intimidating to them
Than an aesthetically beautiful man
She will make her question
Her beauty
Her worth
Her value
Way more than the man

I’ve never been in a relationship before
But
I know that I’ll fall hard
When I do
You see
I have an all or nothing mindset
Coupled with a hopeless romantic lens
Which equals an interesting combination
I’m so excited
Yet a little afraid
Cuz my heart
It’s big
But it’s also fragile
My mind
It’s so hopeful
Yet it too has its realistic limitations
I don’t know
How we will meet
Or what they will look like
But
I know that I will love fiercely
Now
I must find the one whose love for me
Challenges the love I have for him

I think I am exhausted  
Exhausted in the very depths of my soul
And no amount of sleep can help alleviate it
Only distance and a lack of contact
Physical and emotional
But it’s not an option for me right now
So instead I sleep

It saddens me
Knowing that this
Between us
Will never work
Because you look at me
Desperately searching for someone else
You look at me
In hopes to catch glimpses of them
It saddens me
Because we never truly had a shot
When all I wanted
Was that
A fighting shot

...
..
.
Empty
.
..
...

they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others

I hope I fall for you
With the feeling I get
When I’m on that carnival ride
                                                s
          ­                               e
                                   s
                              i
The one that  r        slowly
And  f       quickly
            a
               l
                 l
                   s
The thrill that accompanies the anticipation
The thundering heartbeat
The sweaty palms
The lightweight feeling
And electricity in my fingers and toes
The euphoric high that lingers after
The rush
The fall

first is admiration of the body
of the seen
you find beauty in an individual's physical looks
but then
you realizes that those physical looks alone
are not specific to only that particular person
this then expands to finding beauty in many people
with those physical looks
commonly known as having a type regarding looks

second is admiration of the personality
of the unseen
you find beauty in the thoughts
beliefs
or opinions
of an individual
but then
you realizes that those thoughts
beliefs
or opinions alone
are not specific to only that particular person
this then expands to finding beauty in many people
that hold those similar thoughts
beliefs
or opinions
commonly known as having a type regarding personality

third is admiration for the institutions of thought
the structures that are the origins for the thoughts
beliefs
and opinions
this is the transitional stage
where one finds beauty beyond the human
and in the customs
in the institutions
philosophies
theories
or religions
that hold the previous thoughts
beliefs
and opinions

and lastly is the admiration of God
who is the source of all creation
from beautiful things
to beautiful bodies
to beautiful thoughts
beliefs
and opinions
and lastly
the beauty of learning

Things will never be the exact same way as they were before
and I would like to believe that that is okay
but it hurts too much to hold the thought
I miss her
I wish he would respond to my unanswered texts

these emotions bleed from some of the most deepest parts of me
and I get afraid of the shades they come in
but I welcome them anyway
because I want to honor my midnight black moments like I would my meadow greens and sunflower yellows

I ended seasons with certain people and activities in my life
and sometimes I regret them deeply
I wish I could just text or call
but I know better than to reach out that way
it feels as if it is too late
but the hurt that I bled in front of them felt as if it went unnoticed
as if they just admired the saturated color with the ghost of a smile gracing their pursed lips

touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you

The armor you carry with you
It’s the product of others’ influence
That you have accepted
Take it off
All of it
Until you are completely bare
Naked to no one but yourself
This is symbolic to the vulnerability
That this action evokes
Now is when you begin to find yourself
Now is when you begin to analyze what you accept and put on
It is no longer a questioning
Of whether the hat you chose was your decision or another’s
In this moment
You begin to intentionally choose
What you want to put on
As a component of your armor  
This requires you to leave the warmth
That your old clothes provided you
And to accept the vulnerability
That accompanies the act

No longer
Will I mimic others
Without listening to what I want
I am my own person
I take up space
I have thoughts
I have opinions
I have desires
I have dreams
All of which I ignored
For the sake of being a mirror
Of someone else’s reflection
If I want to drink
I’ll drink
If I want to go explore Seattle by myself
I’ll go
If I want to meaninglessly flirt with a hot stranger
I’ll flirt
If I want to dance sensually
I’ll dance
If I want to show off my body
I’ll show off my body
If I want to talk to someone
I’ll go talk to them
If I want to study psychology
I’ll study it
If I want to break cycles of trauma
I’ll will break them and heal
If I want to have a boyfriend
I’ll be with him
If I support ****** education
I’ll support it
If I want to have ***
I’ll have ***
If I want to attract attention
I’ll attract it
If I want to wear a tight outfit
I’ll wear it
If I want to show off my stomach
I’ll flaunt it
If I want to go eat
I’ll eat
If I want to be loud in public
I’ll be loud
If I want to pretend I’m someone I’m not
I’ll pretend and win an Oscar
The point is
I am my own person
I am my own entity
I am not my mother’s copy
Or anyone else’s
I am not society’s poster child
I have differences
In my opinions
In my thoughts
In my desires
In my values
And I own them
I was never meant to be anyone’s mirror
But my own
I will do what I want
Because I embrace who I am
And not care what others think
To a certain extent
Because I am my own person
Who wants to express what that is
Life is too short
To not do what you truly
Deep down inside
Want to do
Because the values you had before
That you adopted from other people
Were never truly yours
To begin with
So
What do you want
Who do want be be
Is it who you are right now
If not
Then what’s holding you back
Find out who you are
Be you want to be

you held me in your delicate hands
and never shushed or interrupted me as i began to chaotically unravel at the seams i spent so many years ensuring were kept tight and pristine

you witnessed me as i broke down
shattered myself into fragmented pieces
of what was once a mastered façade of protective perfection
and you never once abandoned me

you told me with a warm smile that reached the corner of your eyes
that my sharp edges
were worth the piercing pain that you briefly felt deeply
as they dug into your flesh

you kept all my pieces
even the ones i wanted to throw away
toss into the ocean of shame and denial
hoping they would stay there
buried beneath the dark abyss

you kept all my pieces
and told me that each one was precious
each one served me in its own valuable way
even if i was not able to see it at the time

you held me in the palm of your hands
modelled for me a concept i only knew to be familiar with in theory
not practice

you simultaneously held me with such gentleness and fierceness
it's something that makes me feel seen
makes me feel heard
it’s something I feel without a word or look
it’s your presence alone

you held me until i began to learn that i could hold all parts of myself with my own two lonely hands
that have craved
for so long
to express unconditional love
as difficult as it is

and for that
i dedicate this poem to you

thank you for listening to my soul
to the poetry of my grief as it spills from my body
through silence
tears
through breath
words
and movement

thank you
[ slow inhale and exhale to grant the breath the space to be ]
thank you

How do I let a guy know I like him
I haven’t had many interactions with them
But I also think my small hints aren’t working
I’m nervous as hell
But he hasn’t made any efforts to get to know me

It’s so silent now
I can feel my pulse
Pounding in my ears
as I lay against my arm
it’s the only reminder I have
interrupting my thoughts
that I’m alive
it invades my mind
To tell me of the life that I have
Yet Descartes would argue
That my ability to hold thought
Is another proof
Of my existence

"don't cry because it's over
laugh/smile because it happened"

this is a very convoluted statement
it contains many aspects that i personally don't like
the first being that
the manifestation of an emotion
is very black and white
in society
crying is often associated with sadness
laughter and smiling with happiness
but that's not always the case
someone who is mourning can smile
someone who is suicidal can laugh all the time
someone who is happy can cry or remain silent
the point is
an expression of an emotion varies greatly
it depends on the individual

the second being that
it interrupts the process of grieving a symbolic death
one of its underlying messages is
stop engaging with the emotions that come with the end of this particular season
in this case
it is whatever "happened"
it tells people to just smile/laugh
now i understand that it may be therapeutic
in some cases
to change perspective at times
however
do not encourage this all the time
sometimes
a person just needs to sadly cry over something
and not be interrupted
remember
the body understands itself
more than our perception of it does
allow the body
to release the emotions stored within
don't hinder it with your mind
that has been trained by society
to shut down and abandon or shame those emotions

Do you think that if you spend enough time at the beach
You would be able to smell the ocean
In the seams of your clothes and pockets of your jacket
Do you think it can linger and permeate
Like cigarettes and bitter goodbyes

I'm not sure I've been self aware of this feeling before

Not as of late

I've tried so hard to refrain from behaving in a way that aligns with the feeling of hating who I become when I'm around another

And yet

Here she is
Mocking me again
I can't escape her
I'm tantalizingly pulled back into this familiar neural pathway of connection

I'm sorry
Sorry I instigate you intentionally

Trying to get you to lash out
So that I can lick my own wounds
Unknowingly giving you the whip intentionally
So that I may cling to the narrative of victim and transgressed
The only one who has the "right" to be upset
So that I may disregard the ugly behavior I myself have transgressed against you

I'm sorry

I know I'll go hauntingly silent mid-argument

I freeze

It's a moment of realization for myself

A mirror pushed in front of my face
A hand squishing my cheeks painfully and around my jawline
Forcing me to look at my many existent shadows in the bright fluorescent lights that cause me to wince

I can't dare whisper it out loud
No
I cannot

But I can write it in a poem
I harm
I hurt
I become brutal with my choice of words

I have temper tantrums as a twenty-four year old woman
I seldomly had the ability to when I was a kid
Not with childhood trauma and emotionally abused parents who passed on less abuse than they endured

And for that
I'm sorry
You don't deserve it
You don't deserve to take on the brunt of my parents' responsibilities

They failed me
And in you I find solace and self contempt and confusion

I'm sorry
I can't fully formulate into words what I'm doing and why
It doesn't make sense to me
And it leaves me with a mysterious shape of confusion

There is a sweetness to it
To know I can hurt you
And you can embrace it
Unlike like those who failed me when I was all too young
Sorry

I guess it's a natural by-product when you have someone you feel safe enough with to enact your trauma onto
But it doesn't take away the chronically exhaustive tone our relationship is colored in

Some say that their lovers
Have left their imprint
All over their heart
But you
You left the biggest of imprints
The only difference
It's invisible
And sometimes
I rejoice
Foolishly believeing  
That your mark has left
But it's only temporary alievement
Before reality sets in
And I realize it's still there

We hadn’t kissed yet
But my name would roll off your tongue
As if we did
And I was dying to know how it tasted
On your lips