It’s funny
Because as I stand here alone
With my eyes gently closed
Below the branches of large willows
That live in this hidden park
Having the warm sun
Soak into my skin and
The distant melody of birds chirping
Be the only source of sound around me
I can’t help but feel
As though it’s too loud
Because my thoughts
They scream
Demanding to be heard and felt
Even when I don’t want to
Give them the authority to
Which is so different to the
Peace
Tranquility
And quietness
That this place emits before me
Physically
In comparison to what’s happening
Inside me internally
Emotionally

you tend to enter my mind
on days like these
where love is celebrated
on other days
in moments where I feel the most alone
I think about you
I get a warm fuzzy feeling
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I know how you make me feel
loved
unconditionally
and it soaks my mind with a gentle touch
foreign yet familiar
and when it is a holiday
I tend to think of you
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I do know that you are celebrating the day
at least I like to think so
in those moments where I feel so alone
my mind tends to drift to you
and a smile kisses the corners of my lips
I may not have anyone right now
but I do know that I will have you
one day

My mother
Made it harder for me
To find my identity
Because she shamed autonomy
Which is why
I struggled to separate
My opinions and behaviors
I didn’t know
If I liked and disliked things
Because she made me believe in such
Or if it truly was my decision

Would you tell a child
That is crying
To **** it up
Or to stop crying
No?
Then when your inner child
Comes out from its shadows within you
And starts crying
Allow them to
Don’t stop the process
Allow the inner child
To heal
To tend the wound that wasn’t drained
Of suppressed emotions
When you were younger
And didn’t have the knowledge
That you have today

I feel the crushing weight of your absence
Sitting firmly and heavy
Right under my sternum

Do you feel it in this exact moment?

I've been thinking about you a lot lately
Part of me hopes that you do too

I miss you dearly
More so than anyone else in my life at the moment

It hurts me to think about you
This I am painfully aware of

Sometimes
I go to museums or the ocean to feel you
I close my eyes and pretend I will open them and see you there
Hear your boisterous laugh sync with mine
Watch as you tuck your frizzy curly plum-red mane of hair behind your ear

Our last few encounters cut me deeper than any other pain I know
The damage is insurmountable
You spat and crumbled the last bits of vulnerability I showed you with what looked like no remorse
As if I meant nothing to you

I still grieve you every time I think of you
I hate you
(I still love you)
I love you
(I still hate you)
Im glad you're gone
(Sometimes I'm not)
I wish I could pick up my phone
And call you like old times
(Sometimes I don't)
I've never deleted your number
I don't plan to anytime soon

I know the extent of my grief is a reflection of how deeply I praised our relationship
So maybe I've been silent in initiating it
The grief
Because I praised it so heavily
I'm afraid to open it up
And begin that journey
I'm just not there
Yet

Im not sure how I'll process this loss

No one ever prepared me for the grief that comes with losing a soul mate birthed in friendship

you looked at me
and thought I was perfection in the flesh
you projected an image onto me
then fell in love with it
not me
only to be left disappointed
once you realized that you fell for someone
who did not exist
you dehumanized me
placed me on a pedestal that I couldn't even reach
I felt exhausted
discouraged
you didn't see me for me
you saw me how you wished me to be
and for that
I won't say that I am sorry
but I will say it to myself
for thinking that I needed to be someone
other than who I am
because I am enough
in my most authentic form
which you never got the privilege of experiencing
and never will

I want you right now
Like some want six-pack abs
It’s an unrealistic goal
To want it immediately
Because many things are needed
Patience
Self discipline
And consistency
But I can’t help but wish you were
Right here
Right now
Like some wish for abs
When they look at their stomach
I just want to hug you
For long periods of times
Let you paint my nails
And laugh at your technique
Allow you to braid my hair
After I teach you how to do so
Shave your beard
And apply tissue paper on your cuts
Make terrible friendship bracelets
And tie them around each other’s ankles
Let you teach me how to play a game you like
Go on ride alongs
where we each gather music for a certain mood
And do nothings but drive and listen
I want you
Right here
Right now
Like some want six-pack abs
But
In order for that to happen
I need to meet you  
I need to know who you are
Your face
Your name
Your favorite color
Your go to remedy for when you’re down
I need to create a history with you
But right now
I just want all the cute moments
Just like how some wish for abs
They want the aesthetic
Without having to train and eat for it

Fear
Is the result of
Ignorance

When you no longer have control
Over your
Legs
Arms
Hands
Tongue
When you no longer have the independence
To speak
To move
Do you still feel the presence of love
Do you still feel the presence of right relationally with another
When you can’t translate that
Through words or actions

There’s a lot of things I wish my parents taught me when I was younger
But I wish they taught me the importance of cultivating deep and meaningful relationships with many people
That one person cannot fulfill all your needs
And so each person can meet different ones
Each relationship can provide you insight on yourself
Each relationship is a window into the portal of your own soul
It is a different world where you meet and engage with the beautiful complexities of another person’s mystery as well as your own
Getting to know another person is also a chance or opportunity to get to know yourself
There are many different levels of friendships
Ranging from superficial and light to emotionally gripping and deep
Each serve their own purpose in your life
Do not belittle or praise one more than the other

Have you ever stared at someone
Mesmerized by their simple beauty
Take in their breathtaking smile
And hope that one day
You can be the reason
For all of them

Tell me
How do you explain
Colors
To someone
Who is blind

I want to live
In the moment
With one hundred percent
Of my attention
Being fixated on whatever is before me
Not what's on my phone
Or lingering in the back of my mind
I want to live
Rawly
In the moment
I want to be carried away
With all of the emotions
Formed from that specific moment
To be remembered in my head
Not in the form of a picture in a gallery
Or in a phone
I want to genuinely live
In the moment
In a way
That I can't even begin to put into words
Because I cannot express
How I want to feel
Into words

I find it quite interesting
How I am currently living in a phase
That I will one day
Look back on and reminisce
It’s almost as if
Living in the present is a form of the past

Physical beauty such as one’s looks
Is truly short term-gratification
Internal beauty such as one’s
Mind or character
Is truly long-term gratification

I’m glad I haven’t experienced
Physical intimacy with another
Because now
With the knowledge I have
All of my experiences
Will be with someone who reveres me
Teenage insecurity no longer influencing my acceptance of low-standard decisions
Each new sensation
Will not go unnoticed
I’ll be fully absorbed
And intentional in the moments where
A man tightly grasps my waist
Under my shirt
For the first time

Delicately moves his lips against mine only to spread them open
With his skilled tongue

Moments where a man
Slowly peels off my shirt
In an unhurried lust

Roams his rough palms across my bare chest and focuses his attention on my hardened *******

The moment where a man
kisses my breast softly
For the first time

I want to know what it feels like
To have have your lips trail across my
Lips
Jaw
Neck
And collarbone
I want to know what it feels like
To have your hands
Gently caress the surface of my palms
Tightly grasp my waist
Leisurely move through my hair
Intentionally be placed on my inner thigh
I want to know what it feels like
To be kissed
Lightly
Slowly
Sloppily
Heatedly
Sensually
Harshly
Quickly­
On the forehead
On the tip of my nose
On my lips
On my neck
On my chest
On my stomach
I want to know what it feels like
To have someone who loves your
Body
Mind
And spirit
With no inhibitions
With no conditions

How much
Are you willing to do
For lust

Would you follow them into their black hole disguised as an enticing mystery

Endure suffering
Inflict emotional slashes that rip and tear
Through the flesh of your mind and body

Would you shatter yourself
Pick up the pieces of you
That they need
Only to be left incomplete
Because you’re used to being the fixer
And never the one fixed

How far would you go
Where would you set your limits
They’re not as black and white
As one might believe

How much
Are you willing to do
For lust
Or maybe
I’m the one confused
Maybe
I’ve mistaken love for lust
Due to an incapability of believing in love
Maybe
Just maybe  
But still
How far is one willing to go
For love
Or lust

I want to be with someone
Who makes me feel
Beautiful
Because anyone can make you feel
Cute
Pretty
Attractive
Gorgeous
Hot
****
Bangin’
(You get the point)
But not everyone can make you feel
Beautiful
It’s something that’s so
Simple
And yet complex
It’s something that’s so
Pure
Raw
Untainted by carnality
It’s so
...
Beautiful

an individual should always feel
confident
IN their looks
but should never be confident
BECAUSE of their looks

You looked so beautiful
Artificial even
In the most original, unconventional way
Yet
I’ve tasted rejection
The millennial version
One unaccepted follow request
Was all it took
For me to nurse my hurt ego
Into a cathartic poem

I guess we were just never meant to be
And that’s okay
Because rejection is redirection
Towards my soulmate

I’m still a little embarrassed though
Hopefully when I see you
I don’t feel the need to hide
My head in the ground like an ostrich

I just smile and act as if you didn’t see me
But I still hold on to hope
Hope that maybe
Just maybe
You didn’t add me
Because you didn’t know me
I will never know
And that’s okay
Or at least that what I’m telling myself
So
It’s been a fun three weeks
Anton
Maybe I’ll read this to you someday
Or I won’t
Only time will tell

I did it
I ******* did it

eyes closed
palms gently resting against my thighs
deep inhale
slow exhale
repeat
this is all i know
that will be with me in the future
as i close my eyes
and feel my chest expand and retract
as i become aware of the places on my body
that connect and ground me with the earth
i find peace
in knowing that this will be the same
decades down the road
i'll always have my constant breathing to come back to
the stimulus
darkness
and the sensations
will be the same ones that i will experience
once i graduate
once i get my first job
once i kiss the love of my life
once i give birth and hold my child
once i experience the grief and loss of my parents
i will have my breathing to come back to
i will have the soothing movement
of my chest
to remind me of my constants in life

I thank you
for making the selfish decision
to focus on yourself
and rediscover who you are
to pledge to intentionality
and leap into the complex journey
of learning and exploring
your mind and body
with an innocent curiosity

falling in love with yourself
is much like relaxation
and cathartic healing
it is not a passive process
but an active one
you must push against society's desires for you
and exit cycles of relational trauma
that potentiated your insecurity
and negative self talk

if you see anything that contains the message
that you must work
to be someone
or to have something
in order to be counted worthy of love
relabel the experience
and refocus your attention
to the truth and your birthright
you are loved unconditionally

your super power
is that there is no one else
quite like you
your being
your essence
mixed with your particular divine energy
is enough
worthy of love

you have two options in this world
to love yourself unconditionally
or to love yourself conditionally
you decide which one you live out

every day
is an opportunity for healing
for selfishness
to pick yourself
and begin the process
of falling in love
with who you are
as you meet yourself
where you currently are
with much grace
and forgiveness

i desire to have someone
so thoughtful
that they analyze the way in which
they graze their fingertips across my arm
as I lay on their chest
i desire to have someone
who closes their eyes
to remind themselves
of the feeling of my body pressed against theirs
i desire to have someone
who passionately seeks to please me
in more ways than one
i desire to have someone
stroke my hair lightly
feed me soup
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
when i get sick
i desire to have someone
that sweeps me off my feet literally
every now and then
to remind me of the adrenaline
that would flood my veins
when we first dated
i desire to have someone
who takes me out on midnight walks
where we silently hold hands
as we rejoice simply in the company of one another
no words needed to be shared
i desire to have someone
who sings me to sleep
when i struggle to find rest in our bed
i desire to have someone
who creates intimate jokes and games
that we play with one another
until the day our hair turns gray
i desire to have someone
who dries the dishes as i wash them
only to turn on cigarettes after $ex
where they grab me to slow dance
in the middle of the kitchen
all while my hands still have soap on them
and we giggle silently
pressing our foreheads together
as we hope to not wake our kids
i desire to have someone
who continuously seeks to understand me
and grow independently
as the years go by
so that we may keep an open dialogue
and have the kind of love
that surpasses anything we have ever seen
or heard of

No where feels like home
Not even if I go back
To what once was familiar in youth
It's changed
I have too
And no roots have taken ahold
All soil I encounter is unfit for anchoring

I don't feel as though I am growing
Simply trying to survive
And maintain as much as I can
Mitigate damage from lack of essentials

I want to smile
At people
In a way
That they have never been smiled at
Before

In a way
That makes them feel as if
They're the only ones
I see among the sea of faces
Around them

In a way
That makes them feel as if
I'm the first one to truly
Stop and express
Raw and genuine attention
To another

In a way
That makes them feel as if
I truly notice them amongst this world
That is torn at moving
At high speeds
Instead of getting lost with
What's right in front of it
Because it's all a blur as they speed by it

In a way
That makes them feel
Important
Worthy
Loved
Noticed
Because sometimes
People don't feel that way
And if I can break out a smile
That expresses all of those emotions
To that one person
In a matter of a few short seconds
Then I'd constantly look for those
That look like anything but

And as we lay together
Face to face
Nothing but silence and eye contact
I start to linger on all of your other ****** features
That compete for my attention
I get lost in the way your tongue quickly moves against your bottom lip
Which soon lifts at its corners
To form a smile that I hope is sensual
Only to be redirected in my gaze
When your fingertips delicately lift my chin
Eyes up here
You say gently with amusement in yours
I blush and try to hide my face in my pillow for getting caught
But you just pull me closer to your chest
I love how you let me be in my emotions
Knowing when to intervene
And when to let them take their course
No one has done that before
And as I muster up the courage to lift my head and ask you a question I’ve been dying to ask
You murmur against my ear
What is it
I then boldly look into your eyes
Wait a few seconds
Soaking in the beauty that is uniquely you
And say on an exhale
I want to touch you
I want to examine your beauty slowly in silence
You attempt to suppress your shock
But nod and place my hand on your chest
Have at it
Just tell me what to do
I grab at the soft cotton in my hand and begin to pull it upwards
Which you help me with
I then push on your shoulders
Until you fall back onto the bed
I take my time
Etching into memory the slopes and curves of your torso and arms
I look into your eyes and blush
Mesmerized in the reverence I see reflected towards me
I look at the way your chest rises and falls
In tune to my heart rate that’s also gradually speeding up
This is what I’ve always wanted
These moments of connection with no words
A lover that understands me
And yet I find myself pinching my arm
To ensure that I’m not dreaming
And that you won’t be an image that is gone once I open my eyes

I love the human hands
They have so much beauty in them
And often get overlooked
But not this time because
As I slowly lower my hand to your chest
I’m aware of the 15,000 sensory neurons
That light up as my fingertips brush against your goosebumps
That quickly break out on your skin
Your quick intake of breath causes me to lift my gaze towards your dilated pupils
Which is drowned in lust
I focus back on my hand
Which begins the journey of descending towards your stomach
But as I near your happy trails
Eager to touch
You grasp my hand in yours
And lift it to your mouth for a light kiss
As you flirtatiously laugh
While shaking your head at me
I then begin to take both of my hands
And mold them to your jawline
Once my hands slide along your neck
Feeling your pulse beneath my fingertips
Making their way to your collarbone
I lift my right leg over your hip
Until I’m straddling you
You quickly grasp my hips tightly
With both of your hands
Warning in your eyes
While mine carry mischief as I bite my lip
You shift me forward so I’m no longer aligned with you but your belly button
But in doing so
You let out a restrained moan
Which spurs me on
Easy baby
You whimper
And my hands begin their new journey
Which lights up my mind
As I explore
The beauty that is you
In silence
In eye contact
In touch

I want to be Someone
So unique
So special
That no matter who I meet
I leave an impression
Either on their heart
Or mind
I want to be someone
That changes another's life
Whether small or big
Someone that another
Cannot easily forget
Someone that they replay
Days after we've met
Someone that another
Can't believe exists
Because my beauty
On the inside
Rivals the one portrayed
On the outside
I want to be someone
That another wonders
How I could be
The way that I am
I want to be someone
That another gets lost
In my poetic aura
My beautiful mind
My raw honesty
My deep laughter
And all-consuming smiles
I want to be someone
That isn't cliche
That's original
And incomparable
Because there has never
Been anyone like me
Before

You.
Are.
A.
Walking.
Masterpiece.

I suffered silently
But healed loudly
All alone

To my past lover
Who will never read this poem
Like you used to
With all the other ones I would write
Where you were my muse
When we were together

I miss the way you used to say my name
Because it sounded exactly like how you would say
I love you