I guess that’s what makes relationships
So precious
The fact that you can ruin them
Completely obliterate what’s been created
Regardless of how much time has been invested
At any point
One conversation
One physical altercation
Can destroy it
It’s a dynamic system
That requires constant maintenance

I want the kind of love where
Even when I'm upset
Even when I'm angry
At you
And I deserve the right to be
I can look you in the eyes
With tears streaming down my face
And still be able to whisper
I love you

How do I let a guy know I like him
I haven’t had many interactions with them
But I also think my small hints aren’t working
I’m nervous as hell
But he hasn’t made any efforts to get to know me

Just for a second
Can we go back
To the ways of our youth

Just for a second
Can guys and girls
Sit around and just talk
Without any ****** tension
Permeating the air

Can we just be content
With listening to one another
Diving deeper and deeper
Into conversations
That are so deep and complex
A Milky Way feels threatened

Can I just smile
Genuinely smile
Not one that twists my lips upwards
And reaches my eyes
But with my soul
Without having another
Mistake my kindness
For anything more
Than it is

Just for a second
Can I stop having to analyze
Another's actions
Or my own
In fear of rejection
Or misinterpretation

Just for a second
Can we go back
To the ways of our youth
To simplicity
To authenticity
Back to when
I was just a girl
And you were just a boy
Without hormones or society
Affecting our interactions
Back to the ways of our youth

I desire to passionately kiss your skin
Feel your heartbeat
Beneath my lips

I desire to run my swollen lips
Across your jaw and
Down your neck

I desire to hear your
Heartbeat
Quicken its pace
Breathing
Become erratic
Moans
Release freely
From those precious lips
Of yours

I desire to feel
Your body
Flush against mine
Our hands
Selfishly intertwined
Listen to our hearts
Beat
Together in time

She was precious treasure
Hidden deep
Within the dark waters
Of an ocean floor
But he became too tired
Of holding his breath
Every time
He tried to find her

Everyone forgets their fears
When they’re distracted
For fear
Is a matter of perception

The world's idea of perfection
Is unattainable
Which is why people are never satisfied
But
Isn't that what those of power want
People to never be satisfied
With themselves
So they try to mold themselves
Into something that no one can be

They attempt to be
"Perfect"
Grow muscles
Inject implants
Manipulate their flesh
Until it's just right

Yet
They will never achieve something
That's perfect
They will never be satisfied
Even though they strive to be
Because it's all
Unrealistic
Unattainable

I want to be Someone
So unique
So special
That no matter who I meet
I leave an impression
Either on their heart
Or mind
I want to be someone
That changes another's life
Whether small or big
Someone that another
Cannot easily forget
Someone that they replay
Days after we've met
Someone that another
Can't believe exists
Because my beauty
On the inside
Rivals the one portrayed
On the outside
I want to be someone
That another wonders
How I could be
The way that I am
I want to be someone
That another gets lost
In my poetic aura
My beautiful mind
My raw honesty
My deep laughter
And all-consuming smiles
I want to be someone
That isn't cliche
That's original
And incomparable
Because there has never
Been anyone like me
Before

Feather light trails
Of fingertips along flushed skin
Erratic breathing
Chests rising and meeting together
With every inhale
Hands fleeting
Stumbling along the way
Grins cheeky
Lips bruised and swollen
Mouths full of promised moans to come
Bodies entangled
Sheets twisted
Spirits intertwined

I hope I fall for you
With the feeling I get
When I’m on that carnival ride
                                                s
          ­                               e
                                   s
                              i
The one that  r        slowly
And  f       quickly
            a
               l
                 l
                   s
The thrill that accompanies the anticipation
The thundering heartbeat
The sweaty palms
The lightweight feeling
And electricity in my fingers and toes
The euphoric high that lingers after
The rush
The fall

a being that is easy to anger
is easily controlled

I want to look at people
As if they're a blank canvas
So that their looks
Don't affect my
Perception of them
Which can dictate the
The way that I treat them

I want to look at them
And allow their words
Their character
Their aura
Their minds
To paint their naked canvas either
Beautifully vibrant or
Artistically dull shades of
Sorrowful blues
Mellow greens
Raging reds
Calm yellows
And so on

I want to look at people
Without a bias
When I first see them
Like a white canvas

I want to look at people
For who they are on the inside
For the painting they create
From within
With eyes that don't get influenced
By outward appearances
But by
Beautiful
Masterpieces
Whether
Sad
Happy
Or broken
Masterpieces
That are their
Paintings

I've learned to accept that
Sometimes
The best response
To certain questions
Happens to be your silence
It possesses the power
To speak emotions
That words cannot

So accept silence
Listen to what it has to offer
Embrace it
Knowing that it has the ability
To bring cathartic consolation
When you
Or someone else
Crave it
In the most dire times

I wish someone had told me
when I was much younger
To befriend
Rejection
Constructive criticism
And tension or discomfort

Most things are a balance of fears
So what do I fear more
Rejection
Criticism
Discomfort
Or missed opportunities

I hope to lean towards
The rejection
The criticism
The discomfort
The tension
In hopes of encountering more opportunities

Carry a humble confidence
With you
Everywhere you go

2. Be spontaneous
Because the best memories (typically)
Are never preplanned

3. Realize that you are
Beautiful
Intelligent
Warm-hearted
But never
Allow any one of those traits
Define you

4. Learn to love yourself
Before deciding to fall in love
With another

5. Never compare yourself
To something or someone
That you were never meant to be
Compare yourself to who you were
And will be

6. Never crave validation
Of your worth
Through the meaningless words
Of people who don't truly understand
Or know you

7. Most importantly
Live.
In.
The.
Moment.
Because life's too precious
To have your focus be in anyplace
But where you currently are

When you no longer have control
Over your
Legs
Arms
Hands
Tongue
When you no longer have the independence
To speak
To move
Do you still feel the presence of love
Do you still feel the presence of right relationally with another
When you can’t translate that
Through words or actions

You say you love me
But not in that way
As a friend
You say
But I can’t harbor these festering feelings
Within me any longer

If I was aesthetically prettier
Would you say you love me
In that way
If you were attracted to my looks
The way you say you are to my personality
Would you then
Pursue me

death and ignorance

You deserve to have someone
Revere you

You deserve to have someone
Whose heart thumps a little faster
When they see you

You deserve to have someone
Whose idea of perfection
Sits before their eyes
And has your name

You deserve to have someone
Who gets nervous
When they're trying to think of a response
That will woo you

You deserve
To be boldly pursued

You deserve
To be loved

You
Deserve
Love

I look forward to holding you
I look forward to playing with your hair
I look forward to kissing your neck
Whenever the urge strikes me to
I look forward to
...
Oh wait
I think I just met you

But at the end of the day
Are you proud of what you see
Staring back at you
As you stare at yourself
In a rose-colored mirror?

As you stare
Not at your flesh
But at your soul
Because looks can be deceiving
And your flesh is a master
At deception
But your eyes see beyond
The unmoving mask that your flesh
Portrays to the outside world

So I ask you
Are you proud of what you see
As you stare
Truly stare
At yourself in a mirror
That's no longer stained
The color of a rose

We hadn’t kissed yet
But my name would roll off your tongue
As if we did
And I was dying to know how it tasted
On your lips

Find
                   What
                                           Makes
                                You
                  Feel
                                                          Alive

The very things
That once gave me euphoric highs
No longer keep me satisfied
And no amount of blissful lies
Can make me blindly ignore
This brutal realization

Insecurity
Is when you give someone a compliment
And you need to hear them say
You too
Confidence
Is when you give someone a compliment
And anticipate their response to only be
Thank you

There’s a lot of things I wish my parents taught me when I was younger
But I wish they taught me the importance of cultivating deep and meaningful relationships with many people
That one person cannot fulfill all your needs
And so each person can meet different ones
Each relationship can provide you insight on yourself
Each relationship is a window into the portal of your own soul
It is a different world where you meet and engage with the beautiful complexities of another person’s mystery as well as your own
Getting to know another person is also a chance or opportunity to get to know yourself
There are many different levels of friendships
Ranging from superficial and light to emotionally gripping and deep
Each serve their own purpose in your life
Do not belittle or praise one more than the other

I’ve dealt with insecurity
For quite a long time
Some have said
You have no reason to be insecure
But
If you can explain it’s irrationality
Explain why I couldn’t look at myself
In the mirror to wash my hands
If I were in a public bathroom
Explain why I truly believed that
If a person said “you’re beautiful” to me
I genuinely thought they pitied me
And could see how insecure I was
So they felt inclined to compliment me
Explain why I could never try on jackets
In a store
And look at myself while other shoppers
Passed by
Without blushing profusely
Explain why I would look away quickly
After making eye contact
Or when being first introduced to someone
You see
I’ve fought for my confidence
In ways no one will truly understand
I get overwhelmingly proud of myself
For maintaining eye contact
And going to shop for clothes
Such mundane tasks
That others don’t even think about
Would silently mock me
When I was in the dark
However
What’s touched me the most
Is that I’ve learned to love myself
The most
When I was watching
And listening for the fifth time
To a little girl
Nine years old to be exact
Who pulled me into the piano room
Of a church  after service
So she could show me
Her progress on a song she’s learning
You see
She too has insecurity issues
And struggles to see her beauty
But that’s all I see
When I look at her
And it hurts me to see that she can’t see
Her beauty
Outwards and within
Regardless of the compliments I give her
And reminders I verbalize
Week after week
So
I learned to love myself
The most
While I listened to her play
And realized what it’s like
To be on the other side
To love someone who doesn’t love themselves
To love someone who is insecure
To love someone
And understand that your  voice
Might not be enough for them
To start loving themselves
I look at her and wouldn’t change a thing
And that is the way I began to look
At myself
And that is the way I began to love myself
The most

I miss the smell of your skin
The taste of your lips
The way your tongue danced with mine
Your lingering touches
And frantic heartbeat
Pressed against mine
The dimple in your chin
Your toothy grin
I miss...
You

You're the kind of girl
That doesn’t get asked out
Not because no one wants to
But because we’re too scared to
You see
You’re the utopia we hope to have one day
But the thing with utopias is that
They're never meant to be obtained
But yearned for

When you have had a lack of mirroring
And a history of denial and dismissal
Color your harmful experiences

To see another person be moved to tears
Flips the emotional world you have mostly known your entire life upside down

It does something to the internal psyche

I may not cry with them
I may appear apathetic at times
But it's closer to stoicism
Truly

Because deep down within this conditioned mask of controlled and suppressed emotions
There's a little girl whispering thank you

Thank you for seeing my hurt
And being touched by it
Vulnerable enough to mirror for me
The grieving of my trauma

You see
This thing
Between you and me
Is paradoxical
Because we feel free
Inside these cages
We’ve confined ourselves in
but
Are we truly free
Or is it just an illusion of liberty

to the boy who will split me open
gently reach inside
pry my ribs apart
and delicately hold my heart
in the palms of his hands
know that i cannot wait to learn
the way you squirm when i kiss your neck
the way you attempt to suppress a smile
when i grab your upper thigh beneath the table
at a friends' dinner party
the way you moan and stretch in bed
during our late mornings together
the way you like to have me run my fingers through your hair
the way you want me to hold your face as we kiss
the way you groan when my hand finds your arousal
the way you bite your lip when i show you each of my outfits
and do a twirl for you
the way you like to hold my hand
and rub your thumb across my bottom lip
the way you effortlessly laugh at my terrible jokes
the way you look at me with unspoken reverence
when I catch you staring and you thought I wouldn't
the way you like to grab my waist underneath my shirt
to lift me up into your arms
the way you kiss me passionately
without a care to anyone who can see us
when i see you for the first time in the day
the way you caress my hipbone when we cuddle
knowing that it was once my biggest insecurity
until i met you and you showed me
just how much you love spending time in-between them
the way your friends tell me how you talk to them about me
the way you look at me
from head to toe
when i sensually flirt with you
just to see how far you can restrain yourself
before you act on your desires
the way you desperately whisper
my name like a prayer
as I move on top of you
to straddle your lap
in the middle of us making out
the way you quietly murmur
one day i'm going to marry you
as we are laying in bed
and you think i have fallen asleep before you
the way you get nervously excited
when i smile widely in your direction
knowing that mischief is going to rear its head
around the corner sometime soon
the way you hold me close to your chest
as we sway to music in the dark
this goes to the boy who will get to engage with me in ways
that no one else will
i cannot wait for the day
where I get to learn more about the complexity
that is your mind

I find it quite interesting
How the entire world magnifies
Right before our eyes
When we are on the brink
The brink of crying
When the unshed tears
Have gathered and collected
At the bottom of our eyes

They struggle to fall
Yet for a brief moment in time
We see things closer
We see things blurrier
Than we have ever before
Right as they sit on the edge
Before they take the tumble
Before they take the fall

paint your face
not too much but just enough to look like it's not
dress up in your costume
smile
laugh
say the "right" words
and move your body in the "right" way

you say you are an open book
that you trust too easily
but baby
that is so far from the truth

your distrust has armor that holds up expectations of perfection
you protect yourself from others seeing you
the real one
not the fabricated
societally conditioned Barbie
at the dispense of others' real-life fantasy

fu*k perfection
authenticity is being starved
and you are the one that is refusing to open your mouth

speak up
and live life boldly