i have learned
that not everyone will love me
and that is okay
because i was never made to be loved by everyone
i was made to reach my most authentic self
and as i continue to honor myself
i will naturally attract those that revere my authenticity

i have also learned
that i often used comparison
as a means of measuring my worthiness for love
but now i have realized that
there is enough love for everyone on this earth
i am no longer in competition for love
since i already have it within myself
for example
another's beauty doesn't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
another's accomplishments don't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
since i now understand that we are all worthy of a love
that is external to works or identity

I’ve never been in a relationship before
But
I know that I’ll fall hard
When I do
You see
I have an all or nothing mindset
Coupled with a hopeless romantic lens
Which equals an interesting combination
I’m so excited
Yet a little afraid
Cuz my heart
It’s big
But it’s also fragile
My mind
It’s so hopeful
Yet it too has its realistic limitations
I don’t know
How we will meet
Or what they will look like
But
I know that I will love fiercely
Now
I must find the one whose love for me
Challenges the love I have for him

Just once
I want the hot guy
To notice me
To boldly pursue me
So sue me
For wanting to revel
In vanity
For a brief eternity

Sometimes
When it's dark out
And night has fallen upon my town
I look up
Towards the sky
And can't help but notice
That the sky in itself is not dark
Like we assume it to be
In fact
It's what's beneath
That makes the earth appear dark
Which can be considered poetic
If you let it
But I've noticed that the sky varies
In brightness
Some days
It's acceptably darker
Other nights
It's strangely lighter
Which is ironic
Since the night is quite often
Associated with darkness

Have you ever stared at someone
Mesmerized by their simple beauty
Take in their breathtaking smile
And hope that one day
You can be the reason
For all of them

One night
Two strangers
Full of intimate and raw conversations
No rules
No limitations
But
The catch
We will never meet again
No exchange of contact information
Which only adds to the allure of the night
Just a boy and a girl
Who have never met prior
Free to express
Any and every
Emotion
Fear
Wish
Hope
Free to say exactly what’s on their mind
Without a societal filter
Free to express and play with the art of lying
Painting an illusion of yourself
To another stranger
Who wouldn’t know any better
Be who you truly are
Or
Be who you really wish you were
For a few hours
What do you have to lose

I think I am exhausted  
Exhausted in the very depths of my soul
And no amount of sleep can help alleviate it
Only distance and a lack of contact
Physical and emotional
But it’s not an option for me right now
So instead I sleep

I hope whatever you’re hoping for
In this experience
Meets you there

She missed the red flags
Because they felt like home

I’m glad I haven’t experienced
Physical intimacy with another
Because now
With the knowledge I have
All of my experiences
Will be with someone who reveres me
Teenage insecurity no longer influencing my acceptance of low-standard decisions
Each new sensation
Will not go unnoticed
I’ll be fully absorbed
And intentional in the moments where
A man tightly grasps my waist
Under my shirt
For the first time

Delicately moves his lips against mine only to spread them open
With his skilled tongue

Moments where a man
Slowly peels off my shirt
In an unhurried lust

Roams his rough palms across my bare chest and focuses his attention on my hardened *******

The moment where a man
kisses my breast softly
For the first time

Breath
Relax
It's okay to let loose
Truly live
Allow the responsibilities of life
Blur into the background
And live in the present
Freely
Wildly
Passionately

As humans
We are constantly changing

Those friends from high school
You said bye to on graduation day
The next time you see them
You'll be slightly or drastically different
They'll be too
Because our experiences shape us
Into who we are

Furthermore
When we
Fall in love
With someone
We fall in love with the person
That they currently are
And as time passes
I do believe that we fall in love
With that same person
Over
And
Over
Again
Because they aren't the same person
You aren't the same person
That you were
When you first fell in love
With each other

I desire to have a love
Where I run out of your car
And into the welcoming downpour of rain From up above
And as I tilt my head up
With my eyes gently closed
Towards the heavens
Relishing in the feel
Of the refreshing rain
Lightly kiss my flushed face
While I twirl around
With my arms stretched out wide
And as you see me
Dancing in the rain
Alone
Through your blurry windshield
You smile shyly and whisper to yourself
The three words
That you deeply feel
But haven't mustered up
The courage to say
To me
You then leap out of your car
And chase after me
I shriek
When I feel your strong arms
Wrap their way
Tightly around my waist
From behind
And as we begin to dance together
The unspoken sound
Of our love
For one another
Plays in the background of my thoughts
Drowning out the sound
Of the deafening rain
As we dance
Together
In the rain
Right as you softly speak
Those three words
Against my lips

our minds are an object of great power
so much so
that those whose veins run with greed
seek to manipulate that power into theirs
by stealing the currency of others
which is attention
this is then used to create neural pathways that flow with
self hatred
jealousy
envy
insecurity
unattainable beauty
great sadness
and the more these messages are seen
the more the subconscious becomes defiled
the mind is then rendered weak
until it becomes aware of its power
and desires to transform itself
neuroplasticity
it gives hope to those who believed
that there was none left for them

I feel the crushing weight of your absence
Sitting firmly and heavy
Right under my sternum

Do you feel it in this exact moment?

I've been thinking about you a lot lately
Part of me hopes that you do too

I miss you dearly
More so than anyone else in my life at the moment

It hurts me to think about you
This I am painfully aware of

Sometimes
I go to museums or the ocean to feel you
I close my eyes and pretend I will open them and see you there
Hear your boisterous laugh sync with mine
Watch as you tuck your frizzy curly plum-red mane of hair behind your ear

Our last few encounters cut me deeper than any other pain I know
The damage is insurmountable
You spat and crumbled the last bits of vulnerability I showed you with what looked like no remorse
As if I meant nothing to you

I still grieve you every time I think of you
I hate you
(I still love you)
I love you
(I still hate you)
Im glad you're gone
(Sometimes I'm not)
I wish I could pick up my phone
And call you like old times
(Sometimes I don't)
I've never deleted your number
I don't plan to anytime soon

I know the extent of my grief is a reflection of how deeply I praised our relationship
So maybe I've been silent in initiating it
The grief
Because I praised it so heavily
I'm afraid to open it up
And begin that journey
I'm just not there
Yet

Im not sure how I'll process this loss

No one ever prepared me for the grief that comes with losing a soul mate birthed in friendship

I hope you understand what it’s like to be alone
So that when you meet someone
You’re able to appreciate their presence
More deeply

you told me you loved me
that i would always have a special place in your heart
you wiped my tears away with your thumbs repeatedly
as i broke down in front of you in that parking lot
you told me that you would always be there for me
that i could reach out to you at any moment

well
you lied

i guess when the circumstances changed
so did the conditions of your words

i hate you for it
for showing me what love could look like
but part of me doesn't
it thanks you for giving me that experience

it was a grounding moment for me
one that breathed so much life into my lungs
yet your silence soon afterwards felt more crushing than any simile i could think of

fu*k you
but also
thank you

you tend to enter my mind
on days like these
where love is celebrated
on other days
in moments where I feel the most alone
I think about you
I get a warm fuzzy feeling
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I know how you make me feel
loved
unconditionally
and it soaks my mind with a gentle touch
foreign yet familiar
and when it is a holiday
I tend to think of you
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I do know that you are celebrating the day
at least I like to think so
in those moments where I feel so alone
my mind tends to drift to you
and a smile kisses the corners of my lips
I may not have anyone right now
but I do know that I will have you
one day

Flower blooming
In the dead of winter
Even the harshest of winds
Are no match for her roots
She survives
Regardless of the seasons
For her growth
Is indestructible
Never again
Will she listen
To the dead around her
That wilted away
Behind layers of frost

Reflection and poetry are synonymous
To be a poet
Is to be reflective in nature
To be a poet
Is to disperse sparks of wisdom
Within the space of letters and lines
Through moments of inner monologues

Nature should be one of our greatest teachers
It brings us back to our roots
Reminds us that we are creations in our cores as well
Invites us to come back home to our complex yet simple ways of being
Nature does not control nor stop the natural process of whatever is meant to pass or stay
We do that
So as I stand next to this tree
I admire its gift of reminding me
To let the leaves fall where they may
When it’s their time
For there is a season for all things
Some leave even when we don’t want them to
Some let go at the optimal time
And others stay longer than we hoped for
But to trust the timing

It’s in these moments
Of complete and utter isolation
Where we feel as though we don’t even know who we are
Where we begin to truly understand ourselves for the first time

you held me in your delicate hands
and never shushed or interrupted me as i began to chaotically unravel at the seams i spent so many years ensuring were kept tight and pristine

you witnessed me as i broke down
shattered myself into fragmented pieces
of what was once a mastered façade of protective perfection
and you never once abandoned me

you told me with a warm smile that reached the corner of your eyes
that my sharp edges
were worth the piercing pain that you briefly felt deeply
as they dug into your flesh

you kept all my pieces
even the ones i wanted to throw away
toss into the ocean of shame and denial
hoping they would stay there
buried beneath the dark abyss

you kept all my pieces
and told me that each one was precious
each one served me in its own valuable way
even if i was not able to see it at the time

you held me in the palm of your hands
modelled for me a concept i only knew to be familiar with in theory
not practice

you simultaneously held me with such gentleness and fierceness
it's something that makes me feel seen
makes me feel heard
it’s something I feel without a word or look
it’s your presence alone

you held me until i began to learn that i could hold all parts of myself with my own two lonely hands
that have craved
for so long
to express unconditional love
as difficult as it is

and for that
i dedicate this poem to you

thank you for listening to my soul
to the poetry of my grief as it spills from my body
through silence
tears
through breath
words
and movement

thank you
[ slow inhale and exhale to grant the breath the space to be ]
thank you

i was staring at the night's sky
and noticed the poetic beauty
in knowing that if you want to see a shooting star
you have to go to darker places
where there is less light
to view such an event

You are not your failures
But most importantly
You are not your achievements either
So
Who are you

Tell me all your insecurities
So I can tell you
Why they aren’t

Have you ever felt like
You’ve been living someone else’s life
Like the persona you’ve adopted
Has never felt authentically yours
Molding your flesh within socially constructed binaries
Ambiguity is not tolerated
It causes discomfit
Because one can not manipulate dominant and control it
Emotions are inferior
To the pristine nature of logic
It has no place to be revered
For the physiological messengers it is within our bodies

Tell me
How can I make you
See yourself
Through my eyes
And not yours

My mother
Made it harder for me
To find my identity
Because she shamed autonomy
Which is why
I struggled to separate
My opinions and behaviors
I didn’t know
If I liked and disliked things
Because she made me believe in such
Or if it truly was my decision

I thank you
for making the selfish decision
to focus on yourself
and rediscover who you are
to pledge to intentionality
and leap into the complex journey
of learning and exploring
your mind and body
with an innocent curiosity

falling in love with yourself
is much like relaxation
and cathartic healing
it is not a passive process
but an active one
you must push against society's desires for you
and exit cycles of relational trauma
that potentiated your insecurity
and negative self talk

if you see anything that contains the message
that you must work
to be someone
or to have something
in order to be counted worthy of love
relabel the experience
and refocus your attention
to the truth and your birthright
you are loved unconditionally

your super power
is that there is no one else
quite like you
your being
your essence
mixed with your particular divine energy
is enough
worthy of love

you have two options in this world
to love yourself unconditionally
or to love yourself conditionally
you decide which one you live out

every day
is an opportunity for healing
for selfishness
to pick yourself
and begin the process
of falling in love
with who you are
as you meet yourself
where you currently are
with much grace
and forgiveness

I did it
I ******* did it

I want to be with someone
Who makes me feel
Beautiful
Because anyone can make you feel
Cute
Pretty
Attractive
Gorgeous
Hot
****
Bangin’
(You get the point)
But not everyone can make you feel
Beautiful
It’s something that’s so
Simple
And yet complex
It’s something that’s so
Pure
Raw
Untainted by carnality
It’s so
...
Beautiful

To my past lover
Who will never read this poem
Like you used to
With all the other ones I would write
Where you were my muse
When we were together

I miss the way you used to say my name
Because it sounded exactly like how you would say
I love you

if you only knew
the addiction that you're feeding
with your compliments

my body that you praise
the toned muscles "in all the right spots"
it's the product of
binge eating episodes
compulsive measuring of
every
gram
of
every
single
meal
i
ate
throughout the day
painful joints
from pushing past what should be safe and acceptable
paranoia and overwhelming anxiety
from missing a workout
or feeling as if i didn't push myself "hard" enough
when in the gym
the stress that followed me
when i couldn't count the macros in a meal
so i would bring my meal preps
everywhere
with
me
at sleepovers
and even restaurants
this
is the ugly side of my body and healthiness

my clothes and makeup that you praise
it's a mask that holds up my confidence
the one you say you admire so much
my attempt to cope with my insecurity
of believing that I was ugly
so much so
that at one point
i never took photos
looked in mirrors
or took off layers of jackets
i kept on my body during the summer
this
is the ugly side of my "envious" makeup and style

my grades that you are shocked by
how can a girl
that looks like you do have
consecutive 4.0s from middle school to nursing school in college
they have been my attempt to cope with an insecurity
of believing that i was dumb
and would never surmount to anything
they are the product
of my unintentional weight loss that fluctuated
in middle and high school
because my chronic stress would take away my appetite
lunches were comprised of library study sessions
i would throw up
dry heave mostly
in the mornings
before exams
because it made my nerves go away
having night terrors with school
where i would wake up sweaty and scared
my heart beat pounding in my ears
endless hours of crying
wishing i was "normal"
whatever that means
never taking the time
of admiring my accomplishments
because the fear of the next assignment
consumed me
not knowing how to answer the question
what do you do outside of school
to take care of yourself
and being shocked by the silence
that lingered for way too long
and the tears that quietly ran down my cheeks
not knowing what self-care was
because i was so consumed with my grades
truly believing that i didn't deserve to go to school
if i got an A-
when i was in sixth grade
this
is the ugly side of my academic achievements

i guess some would say i'm someone that
"has it all"
but tell me this
why is it when i had "everything"
the face
the body
the style
the grades
the personality
the talents
when i felt like i had absolutely nothing
when i felt like i was absolutely nothing
my story is not for everyone
not everyone can relate
but everyone can see the ugliness in carnal perfection
it's empty
but appears to be filled with substance
like a hot air balloon

when i had "everything"
i was at my lowest
and now
i'm learning what balance is
what self-care is
what it means to be original
and not a carbon copy of society's perfection in the flesh
i work out
but for myself and not for numbers
i don't track anything
i wear makeup when i want to
and dress how i feel like dressing
slowly learning to have a genuine confidence
and love for myself
i don't study as much as i used to
i take that time and invest it into others hobbies
like when i featured in a song
went dancing to a club in the city
went to a Kevin Gates concert
i'm finally learning who i am
i'm finally living for myself
i hope you are as well