As I gather the courage to feel my grief
To sit with it as I cry
I ask myself tirelessly
Will it always be like this
To feel as though I am constantly on the brink of tears
It's not every day now
It comes and goes
But fu€k this *****
I wanna bottle it in
But the latter would lead to more chaos
Unconsciously
And I refuse to suffer from repressed emotions that I chose to repress
I refuse to pass along the unprocessed pain of generations worth of trauma onto others
I will feel it ******
I'm just tired

I was almost always told how I felt
It's one of the reasons why I struggle to identify how I truly feel now
Or decide what I want
Lack of connection to self
As some psychologists would say

Mom my shoes feel too tight
No they're not they're fine
Oh okay

Dad I'm full; I don't want anymore food
No you're not, finish everything on the plate
Oh okay

I was told how I felt
I learned to ignore my body's communication
And look to the other
To determine how I felt
Or looked
Or what I wanted

I'm learning to unlearn this
In the minuscule activities to the larger life decisions

So please
Be patient if it takes me time to either speak up or share how I feel

Am I tending to my leaves more than my roots? It feels less painful and more safe.

How do you heal a diseased root?

Why am I scared to leave?

Can we do a prayer together? Can you pray for me? Can you write me a letter or note that I can go back to and read when times get rough for me?

We tell people to go against their bodies...to remove themselves from protection as their nervous system understands it. Leave that person; be MORE in your body; say no.

I desire to live a more conscious life that's not as unconscious and habitual than most people.

I fear that I am luke warm. My faith is not stable right now and I don't want it to be but I know it's how I feel. It's hard. I don't know how to go about it. How to pursue. I worry I have intellectualized the gospel and now I struggle to listen to sermons. I find myself criticizing more than anything.