Diana

Diana Dec 7

I'll Take a Confusion on the Rocks of Self Contempt with a Sugar Rim

I'm not sure I've been self aware of this feeling before

Not as of late

I've tried so hard to refrain from behaving in a way that aligns with the feeling of hating who I become when I'm around another

And yet

Here she is
Mocking me again
I can't escape her
I'm tantalizingly pulled back into this familiar neural pathway of connection

I'm sorry
Sorry I instigate you intentionally

Trying to get you to lash out
So that I can lick my own wounds
Unknowingly giving you the whip intentionally
So that I may cling to the narrative of victim and transgressed
The only one who has the "right" to be upset
So that I may disregard the ugly behavior I myself have transgressed against you

I'm sorry

I know I'll go hauntingly silent mid-argument

I freeze

It's a moment of realization for myself

A mirror pushed in front of my face
A hand squishing my cheeks painfully and around my jawline
Forcing me to look at my many existent shadows in the bright fluorescent lights that cause me to wince

I can't dare whisper it out loud
No
I cannot

But I can write it in a poem
I harm
I hurt
I become brutal with my choice of words

I have temper tantrums as a twenty-four year old woman
I seldomly had the ability to when I was a kid
Not with childhood trauma and emotionally abused parents who passed on less abuse than they endured

And for that
I'm sorry
You don't deserve it
You don't deserve to take on the brunt of my parents' responsibilities

They failed me
And in you I find solace and self contempt and confusion

I'm sorry
I can't fully formulate into words what I'm doing and why
It doesn't make sense to me
And it leaves me with a mysterious shape of confusion

There is a sweetness to it
To know I can hurt you
And you can embrace it
Unlike like those who failed me when I was all too young
Sorry

I guess it's a natural by-product when you have someone you feel safe enough with to enact your trauma onto
But it doesn't take away the chronically exhaustive tone our relationship is colored in

P.S. - Fu€k childhood trauma

Diana Nov 12

I Honor my Ancestors

Recently
I was called to ponder about my ancestors

I am the product of survivals fittest
We all are

My ancestoral intuition that has been passed down for generations has kept my lineage alive

Who am I to question it?

I feel pride in this knowledge
It makes me feel as though I am part of something far greater than anything I have laid eyes upon

My life is a byproduct of it

What was my great grandparents' life story?
What was their childhood like?
What challenges did they face in early adulthood?
I cannot say I know anything about them and it saddens me
Was it not less than 100 years and all the information is lost

Diana Nov 12

The rainbow has broken and is now faded from lost innocence

Life feels like nothing

Colors are muted

I no longer see in solely black and white
I broke through that level of sorrow

But the saturation lately has been fading and in its place leaves a larger gaping hole than the wonder I once held in what life has to offer outside of black and white

I feel anger
But then it quickly dissipates
And left in its place is a plateau of apathy

I have no desire for connection like I used to
Not with humans
Animals
Nor earth and her plants

I feel the soft familiar tug at my feet every now and then
She is ever so kind to me
Always reminding me of the great mystery I originate from
And one day
Will be recycled back into

I believe life will get better
It must, right?

Diana Nov 12

It's Simply Not Fair

Life feels analogous to sunrises
Some are placed in life
To where they wake up hours before the sun
Destined to wade in darkness before any ounce of light is to shine upon them
Others during the peak of the sun
And others much later where daylight has been present for hours

I feel as though I've been placed in the darkness for hours
Cursing those who wake up to light
It's simply not fair

Nov 12

nivek

a silent echo of love

your face carved from a star
travelled a younger universe

unknown to all except God
a silent echo of love

knitted together in womb of woman
seen to be created from afar-

brought near, a spirit
reborn from the invisible.

Jun 24

sankavi

concert

i went to my first concert
it was the best thing ive ever been to
everyone was so alive
i felt so alive
it was all such an "in the moment" experience

jumping
sweating
laughing
singing
screaming

i wish life was a concert

yungblud