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3AM
kbww Nov 2018
3AM
The world has no eyes on me
at 3AM
I don’t have to engage
or entertain them
It’s the the most peaceful calamity
that I’ve ever known
A tranquility of silence
and darkness my mind’s chaperone

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
I looked down at my hands
and they weren’t trembling.
My face was dry,
no tears were assembling.
I told you goodbye and
this is my reaction.
A looked deep in your eyes and
saw no attraction,
no fondness of me,
just your usual scowl.
And a peace fills my chest
like the night calms the owl.
I turn away, bag in hand and
get into my car.
I look up once more
to see your face from afar.
That’s when I finally
settled in my peace,
and drove off in the night;
a caged owl’s been released.

~kb
kbww Jan 2019
Falling over this
made up line
one way or the other has our truth covered
and smothers
the humans we were meant to be
the intelligent
the artists
the teachers and preachers
all run from the projectors
in our brains showing features
subliminally telling us we need to change
we have to fit in
normally some way
while the universe keeps sending us signals
telling us to stay the exact same way
that your cells made you
they were made to create you
the you that comes through
when you let peace preside
over your abnormal life
Society is an oblivious liar
Normal is simply
a setting on a dryer

~kb
kbww Oct 2018
I don’t really care for
who’s in the mirror.

Her eyebrows are weird
Her face far from clear.

Scars from picking at blemishes
hyper-pigmentation from the sun.

Her straw textured hair
falling out one by one.

Her eyes aren’t too bad
with those forever long lashes.

But she smiles yellow teeth
and her chipped front tooth flashes.

If I could only find a way
to make the mirror different

I can change the girl I see
into someone magnificent.

But the mirror stays in place
I can only change me.

I can paint a face on
become a bit bourgeoisie.

And be ok with the mirror
and with who I see

No longer the unpleasant
static version of me.

A wipe of a cloth
and some cool degreasing water

And I’m back to repugnance
at the lies that bought her.

The ones that told her beauty
inside was cheap.

Only the outside mattered
where the makeup can seep

Down into her soul
and tell her lies she believes

That she’s not good enough
that there is no reprieve.

She desperately needs to
look past the mirror

And see the parts of her
that aren’t so clear.

The constant love, praise
and adoring recognition

She’s seen through her whole life
needs to reach her cognition

To understand

That the beauty she cannot
see in a mirror

Is the beauty that will actually make
the mirrored image more clear.

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
The world can get so dark.
And then a stranger tells you
you’re beautiful,
and you realize
they meant it.

And for a brief moment,
I actually felt a part of this world.

~kb
kbww Aug 2018
Zippered down the front
Easy access
The poppies return for their dance
A soothing lightning of drip and dilation
Night is day, night is night
Night is hope that the last of days has passed
A wash of whitewater ecstasy, engulfs
The throat
The body
Catapults to the head
A fall back to sunken eyes staring at the upside down right side up
Fright
Calm and fright intwined
in a lovers’ waltz
I can’t breathe
I’m so free
I can’t breathe
I’m so...
Free
My body is yours now
It always has been
But I, dead, am a far easier doll to play with
Than one with open stitches

             -k b~
kbww Dec 2018
I said what I needed to say
With confidence and kindness
My perception has led me to this
And I pause and wait for yours
No fight
No change
Just a meeting of the two
No right
No wrong
Just communication and its truth

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Softest fingers pull my chin
up to meet her eyes
They burned with love
and anger
I wept on her hands as they moved
tightly to my face
She stared soul bared
and glistened cheeks
‘Don’t you ever say that to me again
I don’t want to hear it
You are my child
You will never be a burden’

I tend to highly disagree
Family tortured because of me
because of terrible fears
that fill my head and get spewed out
as actions I instantly regret
And everyone hurts
All because of a terrible disease
For seventeen years I’ve been
on my knees praying
for any kind of relief
I just want to fill this
hole in my chest

She looks for my eyes again
Holding my hands she makes contact
and says
‘You are my daughter
My mission until the day I die
is to get you better
You shouldn’t have to live like this’
The moment she embraced me
the loneliness left and I’m right
where I’m supposed to be
with the most selfless
angel
in front of me
Loneliness continues to be smothered
as love coats every part of my soul
Her commitment as my partner
let me know
that maybe I can fill at least
half of this hole

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
An angel and demon
Sit on each shoulder
They’ve grown to be friends
As I’ve gotten older
The proverbial good and bad
Have intermixed their beliefs
The devil’s on his knees
The angel becomes a thief
So I no longer have
That beside ear calm
Just arguing opinions
No sideline psalm
I’m even more confused
Than I was before they came
Darkness now matched with light
I’ll never be the same

~kb
kbww Oct 2018
Flick flame,
take in a drag to end this
hell of a day.

Chipped my front tooth,
just
snapped right off, and I have
no clue when it happened,
so I probably swallowed it.

And in this lovely, hate filled
Arizona sun
my battery dies. Take an hour for them
to fix it, so I do it myself.
Never had so much sweat
flood out of these pores.

And the store machine was down,
and I don’t carry cash so I
pray that empty light’s
got enough volts to get me
home.

Turn the tv on, crack open
a beer. Wipe my face and neck
with cold water, sit down and relax.

I go through my day and
curse the circumstances.
People say to remain grateful
and think of positive things to say.

But sometimes,
it’s just another,
fu€¥ing,
day.

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Scan silent aisles in coursing thought
New cartographer
and orange arrows with lines
Cracks in memory prove dangerous
Various scenarios push the levy
Chance encounter
energy bars deplete some
Don’t forget the blinders
keep the horse hushed
Finish line home tile and ***** windows
Surviving another day with nature

~kb
kbww Mar 2021
I’m sorry I’m so distant.
I’m sorry for these pains.
I’m sorry for these instances.
I’m sorry life’s insane.
I’m sorry on behalf
of this wayward universe.
I’m sorry that my path
sometimes seems to be reversed.
I’m sorry that you suffer
as a result of my own struggle.
I’m sorry there’s no lover
in your arms to hold and cuddle.
I’m sorry I’m not healing
as quickly as I desire.
I’m sorry my mind’s reeling,
but my heart is full of fire.
I’m sorry that my kiss
missed your lips of rosy pearls.
I’m sorry,
but I promise,
I’m never sorry I’m your girl.  

kbww
kbww Jan 2019
Overthinking again
I can’t get this pen to write light
So nightlights line the walls
And the halls are the only
Brightness in my life
I wish you could see
That the flurry of words
Assembling into meaning
Are the front line soldiers
For me to take aim
Trigger finger to thoughts
That plague my brain
******* to those
Who show disdain
I don’t complain
Phrases are no plea
Humble not sufficient
To define how it feels
To know who I am
Never fear to be real

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
When you look at me do you
worry about your daughter?
That she’ll be the same as me
and **** someone like her father?
A vile man fifteen years older
preying on little girls that are
lost in their own worlds
you say you like em’ young
but would you like your
daughter’s tongue in the
same places mine have been
on other men with thin skin?
You’re a creature at best
But I stick around because it’s
not the best *** in town but
I get free drugs and
free hugs from a sweet little girl
that I hope never grows up like me
and never looks to her father
for integrity or compassion
All she’ll get are lies and rejection
She sticks with her sisters
she’ll having a fighting chance
Oh sweet baby girl
get out while you can


~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Simple like rose petals and rain drops.
Not enough brain stimulation.
Don’t start a fight with intelligence,
just because it’s belittled.
Can’t keep going backward in life
just because, it’s belittled.
Be little before you dream big.
Master complicated bearings
so you never lose direction.
Be largely modest, trust your shadow,
and know
you humbly hold the key
to liberation and complete downfall.
Step lightly with heavy thoughts and
choose locks simply,
like rose petals and rain drops.

~kb
kbww Mar 2019
Everything’s offensive,
thoughts are too pensive
Enraged and defensive:
Tell me how to speak

Breath lined with tall fences
ablating my sentence
so it doesn’t mention
words you find so bleak

Won’t change up my ways
so the ears in your day
hear the right thing to say
I’ll take your critique

**** being offended
Your life hasn’t ended
See how these amended
words make you so weak

~kb
kbww Oct 2018
I thought we could
                          Be
but your love is a lie.
Your words weren’t
                          True
mouth open, glazed eyes.
I’ll send you
                          To
the landfill of my heart.
You protect
                          Yourself
yet tear me apart.
I look at you
                          And
find myself learning more.
You weren’t
                          The
one, and I won’t settle for
another day without
                          Rest
not another sleepless night.
This testing of
                          Will
I’ve lost this fight.
I can no longer
                         Follow
you into the dark.
I will walk in the light,
and find a new spark.

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
A person dies from cancer
They say he’s probably better off
A woman kills herself
And the whole world comes to scoff
At the possible selfishness
This woman had in her
To just leave everyone empty
And broken, a blatant sinner
But it was probably for the better
If you look at it the same
Hers was a mental cancer
That she could never tame.

~kb
kbww Jul 2019
Kaleidoscope of energy shifts
amidst these broken bones.
Cracks let colors through in loud verses, pursing lips and urging curses to be lifted. Steady tremors act as tenors
start to bellow in this hollow chest
a mellow cushion for their
consistent shaking, breaking lines in bars
as the melody keeps playing,
off tempo and forsaken,
overlooked for what it’s worth
this curse of trembling trebles and
bounding bass. Facing fear in its space
with a forte of grace and resounding dignity flowing into me looking innocently
the eyes of nature’s demise on my life and standing tall.
Never falling when colors turn and
shift their hue, turning black and blue
to new.

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
I clamor with the words
to simply ask you how you’re doing.
I’ve loved you from afar
And I sit here simply viewing
what you do, who you are,
what you like, and what you hate.
I’ve shattered all relationships
to acquire my perfect mate.
Yet you don’t know I exist
and I’m almost quite sure
you have yourself another
that you care deeply for.
Well let me tell you, brother
she ain’t as good as me.
I will take care of you
to the highest degree.
You don’t know what you’re missing,
so I’ll sent you a note,
of my dying love for you,
with a blackness in my throat.

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Scattered incomplete sentences
Eyes search backs of eyelids for guidance
Thoughts act as adversaries to thoughts
And the crossroad brings no punctuation
A quill without ink is just a feather
A mind floating on light breeze
and blank words is just a tether
Kite in the hand but glass eyes lose height
Nothing to be written here
I can’t see the imagery
And blank stares don’t speak much

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Black chair floats
Rolls over fractured fabric
Dots of blood on pin pricked fingers
Gulps of water from faded plastic
An unkept landfill of cancer
Fills the black ashtray on the table
Empty it and fill it again
That’s when I might be able
To peel off my clothes
Flinch hard from hot water
Scrub the sin
Then scrub a little harder
Don’t even bother
The mirror is the same
As it was the day before
Just reflections of shame
Brush hair curl up
Blankets cover the violence
Cry until they stop
Faded eyes in silence
Just a short small break
From the deafening sound
That blares in my brain
When I just walk around.

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
I wanna
cry, cut, smoke, sleep,
drink, run, ****, breathe,
live, love, kiss, scream.
Anything but this.

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Falling apart together
Simultaneously destructive
Infecting one another
In the many places love lives
The start was stars and stripes
Then the stars began to fall
Your lined verbal assaults
Have me clutching at the wall
Clutched once a time before
By hands engulfed in passion
That flame no longer burns
The clutch has lost its traction
With a pile of soot and ashes
Laid at our feet across the floor
We can paint our shoes in black
Or leave no footprints toward the door
A last look at one another
And present becomes past
You know that I still love you
But the fire burned too fast

~kb
kbww Aug 2018
Temperature inside me
Peaks to a new degree
Monsters peel back their skins
Fall in the sides of me

Play with my ***** heart
Rev it up let it start
Play with my ***** skin
Open it, see what’s lies within

A flurry of butterflies
Wrap their matching wings round your eyes
You scurry to compromise
That you’ll take the dark with the light

But you know now with wings exposed
Your mouth attempts to say what it knows
Now you’ve seen where my butterflies go
Into the cocoons that used to be my soul

******* the insects back I smirk at your face
How can something so beautiful hide absolutely no grace?
All it was was midnight, no moon
How can your face not display this doom?

Don’t be fooled by a wisp of a wing
As gentle as whiskers, they are a dark thing
Separated in flight a simple joy touches the air
As they come more and more, joy and lightness won’t fair

      -k B~
kbww Jul 2019
Soak this throat in poison
wait for haunted gasping breath.
Fear triggers the notion
that I might survive this death.
Heavy sunken depressed chest,
windpipes start to burst.
Chorus plays from chords in test,
shrills have been rehearsed.
Skin held up as hostage
to the blooming of false wounds.
Blood betrayed and caustic,
crimson black hypnotic hues.
Eyes roll like dice inside
a floppy falling head.
Final breaths discreetly hide
regretful words of dread.
Open to the world in blue,
lips no longer tremble.
Scars explain the tried and true
existence now dissembled.
Know this flesh contained no hope,
this chest held no new light.
Better death and I elope,
so we can cease this fight.

~kb
kbww Sep 2018
I think I’m falling for you
You made the perfect catch
Swallowed up in your arms
We instantly attach
You praise me with gifts
My heart shifts and I’m sure
That this pure love between us
Is what I’ve been waiting for
Your compliments and kisses
Shut inside my heart’s door
Then one day
out of the blue
Like unfixed glue my body slips through
The arms that hold me no more
Drop me hard to the floor
And I look up to find
eyes I’ve never seen before
Then quickly you change
Call the drop something strange
An accident and
It would never happen again
Months turn to weeks and the dropping
Continues
Showing every bruise I now use
Myself to pull me up
His arms have gone lax
And I’m too weak to stand
And I realize then
I’m controlled by a man
All the drops were to weaken
My body my heart
So a start with new love
I could never take part
So I sit in my cell of this hell
Here on earth
Because I let a man
Tell me my worth

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Everybody wants their purpose
Like there’s only one
Like circumstances don’t change
And purpose remains on the run
Five years ago
I knew what my purpose was
And today I still know
What my purpose does
It shifts to the time
To the here and now
Then was different
The future is a blind somehow
If I know my purpose changes
To the place I now sit
I can sit still in peace
Knowing I finally found it

~kb
kbww Mar 2019
Lights flicker,
sicker to safe
Game gets lame
Drains hold elixirs

Finished with fixers
Gut rips up chemicals
Tamed animal;
numb pill mixer

Synthetic sister
Phantom friend
Life ******* daughter
Cancerous blister

**** down the sinister
mute of my life
True face is faceless
Pull this proverbial trigger

Pine to see luster,
human free of these chains,
no chemical restraints
Reveal identity of this figure

Clouds outlined in silver
New fresh lit cheeks,
stand tall, and recall,
dark has a tricky whisper

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Every Christmas morning
I wake up
Alone
I have for years
Just me and my dog
My family comes later
From miles away
And I pick them up Christmas Day
But there’s something strange about the way
Being alone on this morning
Is so absolutely peaceful
I sit outside hear kids laugh with their
New toys and new lease on life
See the couple nestled gently
On the couch
Sipping tea and admiring their tree
And I admire it too
Each sip of coffee the world is no longer
So deafening
The sounds have changed
If just for one day that’s okay
Because it’s quiet now
Rare and ineffable
Every sense is grateful

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
impatient arrival
the gloom and dread
dead thread sewing
stories together
when I sleep
i read them better
awoken brain taken
to familiar places
claustrophobic spaces
and my face is
now a dark tint
from insomnia’s bruises
taking their energy
trying to use it
to step over dark
that seeps through cracks
same as the last ones
that broke my back

~kb
kbww Mar 2021
My eyes mimic the skies in dripping sighs and watered truths to battle lies of a messed up system we insist is care, but never finding any there. Shrapnel are these words to purge a putrid sickness of tired limbs and synonyms for various painful phrases. Clouds cover a moon I may have too soon lost to vision, but a mission to take it from my heart won’t part without permission. Warmth of fanned out heat playing sidekick to my seat and defeat of feeling joyous, but this soul is not porous and I hold my pride. Tides change and energetic surgeries heal from the real places they’ve touched, and though much can be praised of these hazy transformations, exhaustion is but a drop away. Even so, I’ll be okay.

kbww
kbww Oct 2018
It’s cold here,
in every sense of the word.
Visible breaths and invisible threats.
I want to go home.
This hasn’t been home for years,
yet here I am in tears,
trying to remember moments
before everything fell apart.
Forgetting is an art,
and I’ve done it well.
But I can’t erase the hell
this place carried me through.
And then I remember,
home isn’t much better,
because I follow me there.
Maybe the temperature and memories
aren’t so cold.
It’s just my heart,
and my poor, glacial soul.

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
My life’s metaphor
from the forest floor
I creep lazily and silent
my pupils poisoned with color
The crunch beneath my Keds
becomes a gradient holler
And life seems endless
like the branch of the tree
The beauty of the moments
captured solely by me
Curiosity has me
sinking in deeper
The branches get closer
and dusk gets nearer
And I’m left with a choice
on whether to go back
or stay on this off grid
darkening track
But then like a cat
I have to know
what if anything
beyond this darkness grows
While you maybe already
have turned back by now
something has my head
and turning back’s not allowed
I climb through the brush
the broken stems and branches
Constantly cut
by sharp thorn lancets
It’s way past dark
and I can hardly breathe
The foliage entangles me
and shows no reprieve
Now stuck in the pain
and frustrating life choices
I succumb to the darkness
Only sounds of the voices
The ones trapped in my head
and torment me in this place
But it’s become comfortable here
the thorn-tipped branches my warmest embrace.

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
I’m numbed out by all the meds.
My creativity’s in shreds
It feels as though I’ve lost part of me.
Sure it was bad, but now I can’t see
the imagery that comes into view
when darkness comes passing through.
But people get a different cue
that this time I won’t make it through.
So they drug me up and leave me be,
a catatonic version of me.
I’m sick of playing a pill popping puppet.
I’d rather be sick to my stomach,
purge your pills until darkness returns.
Free of your drugs creativity burns.
This darkness is where I’m meant to be.
You can be concerned, but know I am free.

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
Let me be who you compare yourself to
and feel better because I’m less than you
Let me be who you get angry at
and feel better because I shy away from that
Let me be who you talk about
and feel better because your
mind blanks out
Let me be your personal self-help book
and you can feel better
knowing your own brain’s a crook.
Let me be your honesty:
You’re falling apart, honestly.

~kb
kbww Jan 2019
Painted lips a bloodless blue
I exist but I am dead to you
Porcelain skin starts to crack
I cover my eyes and send my mind back
Feathered fingertips graze my skin
Blue an ocean of you where I would swim
Now drowning in your tension and hate
Breath escapes and new hues take shape
Silent screams and a siren’s song
Warning me my lips are colored wrong
Tired eyes behind coarse unkempt hair
Open wide to the truth of my despair
Pink plush gradients return to their place
Without you here I can see my face
I will never break I just get recreated
New palette gives me back
Confidence you complicated

~kb
kbww Aug 2018
"Defeated.
Head held high yet deep inside
depleted.
Energy lost followed by mind
I see it.
The slow decline heart slows and I've
retreated.
This life has come to a standstill standoff
between thoughts and lies and truths and I
get heated.
Hope becomes an open sore
just heal it.
Talk at me til’ I get bored and start
Stealing
Your thoughts and lies and truths
make them mine until I
believe it.
Feed me, fuel me, fix me, just until I can
Defeat it."
                                  -k b~
kbww Sep 2018
Call me crazy.
No, really, call me crazy.
There is no but after that slaughtering word.
It just happens to be intermingled with me.

See, it’s not my fault I live with dark art
splattering my insides, pick-pocketing
my thoughts. And I’m sorry I can’t come
to that party, or bar, or your house.
I’m ******* at the moment, fist fighting
demons
you can’t see.
Or maybe,
you’d just rather not look.

I can compute tough equations, speak eloquently and with poise. Despite the noise. I am productive and kind,
always others before me.
But it’s never enough
because
someone
called me crazy,
and I believed it.
Despite the diagnoses,
believing you made me worse.
You infiltrated my soul, and I became
who you told me I was.

Words can be a curse.
So call me crazy.
It can’t break a heart
that’s been broken
for years.

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
*** is now an expectation
A first date kiss long gone
If I don’t decide to go in
Any relationship will be forgone
And if I do decide
To go against better judgement
I become a *****
You become the incumbent
Holding reign over texts
And new meet up dates
I cross my legs
And patiently wait
To be treated like ****
Because I gave it up too soon
But if that makes me such trash
What does that make you?
I’d rather be alone
Than play this game
Show some respect
I’ll do the same.

~kb
kbww Mar 2019
Eyes cross as I
stare lost in this
jolt of creamy beans

Dream off into
future films through
fake reality scenes

Glaze remains on
eyes detained by
muse of distant dreams

Walk through the day
crudely this way and
ripping at the seams

Stay in line and
maybe time will
reveal the ways and means

Until then it’s
just pretend and
life inside a daydream

~kb
kbww Feb 2019
And I wish you understood what you can’t
understand where I stand is nowhere that
you’ve stood, and I would never want you to
Vision of a distant made dismay, I cannot
comfort you while rewiring my brain so stay
the sane one so when the sparks fly as I
stand in the rain watch shocked I’m back to
life for a little while, makeshift smile and
happy tongue create verses for everyone
and eyes are pleased but diseased bleeding
an internal beating and the wires take off
their coats, let misread codes stay a while
and the smile fades, compile shades of
finest greys to throw away because only
finest black paves the way for this creature
inside who pushes me aside a divide in one
being creating two and the glue that holds
any stability together separates step in rate
of slow paced breathing seething for the
dark so shadows don’t exist and you’re the
one that’s ****** because I can’t get out of
bed tell the voices in my head who have got
me near dead to cut out the dread they hold;
darkened girl poems are getting old, and the words keep repeating themselves

~kb
kbww May 2021
Crickets now chirping and
cars in the distance.
Feeling the earth questioning
this existence.
How others live is
not my worry.
My concern is my own
inner hung jury.
What is real and
what is not and
why are we in
this frying ***?
What truly matters, though,
at the end of the day
is the energy coursing
when feeling this way:
when I think of my man
and our plans and our goals
and how closely we hold
the molding of this growth
and explore each experience
deliriously true.
At the end of the day,
all my thoughts turn to you.
kbww Jan 2019
I don’t emote like you
I take emotion potions
to deaden the world around me
why should anyone be subject to this
no care so no care oblivious
to the stats even though they surround you it’s a secret like I’ve
done something wrong
because my mind wants me dead
and you say it will all be ok
but no one can tell me how it will all be ok and my body is tired and frail and worn and ripping at the seams
and for someone like me it just
has to be this way
I don’t want to stay
and I can’t leave
and there’s no other options
for any reprieve
take your meds go to therapy
wait for darkness try to survive
this is your life
deal with it until the energy leaves
and it’s a stalemate with
a bed and drawn curtains
certain this is the end
and then I wake up and cycle again
and I just want to know
when I’m allowed to be too tired to go on without guilt trip songs about
how everyone hurts if I don’t anymore
but what about me
I guess I’ll take the saddened states
of everyone while I’m alive
just so they feel alright and tell me
how it will all be ok
when none of it's ever been ok

~kb
kbww Nov 2018
Seeking my mind
Hoping to find
A shred of dim light
Get me through one more night
The run and hide game
Played by my brain
Has me crawling in pain
Seeking light once again
Just a glimmer of hope
Ankles bent and broke
Outstretched arms on the floor
Graze demons’ dark gore
This shadow touching
Is usually nothing
But this night feels eerie
And I’m far too weary
To take them on
Their hiding places gone
They’ve woken up
I’m on the floor curled up
Tonight won’t be a night
When I can reach the light
So I’m prepared their long
Drawn out deafening song
And my eyes won’t close
Until the sun shows

~kb
kbww Dec 2018
Suffering scales fill the page
Angry tones and recorded rage
Violent words come out sharp
Raises flat phrases and
a furious heart
Only get to play with
the instruments I’m given
Off key notes
are all that’s being written
You can undoubtedly hear that this
*****’s out of tune
Crashing the symphony between my ears
someone needs to fix it soon

~kb
kbww Sep 2018
Feet hang lazily
As I finish my stitching
Canvas skin limp limbs

Burnt leaves for a brain
A heavy hinged hollow box
Becomes a fresh heart

I’ve sewn me a boy
One that cannot run away
One that wants to stay

I program his mind
To connect only with mine
Lock love in the box

Run hands down the threads
Awaken him from his sleep
Eyes open in fear

Graze hands down soft throat
Stir his chords let him speak free
Fill lungs with a kiss

It’s my ragdoll boy
My best friend and my lover
And I have his key

He just looks at me
“Don’t be scared you are my love”
I tell him gently

“What am I doing?
I’m not supposed to be here
I don’t even know you”

Desperate staring
He looks scared and so confused
I don’t understand

“I stitched you gently
You are my perfect man now
Together in love

You will be happy
I can show you everything
I will be your muse”

I filled up his mind
Put all my love in his heart
What did I do wrong?

“My love cannot be
Forced by you or your stitches
Or locked in a box

My mind is my own
I don’t want you to change it
I want to be me

You cannot just make
The perfect boy to love you
Life doesn’t work that way”

I shuddered with chill
My own stitched up heart races swells
Tingles to the tips

I split the seams open
Rip out the tattered heart box
Watch him hit the floor

My hands are tremors
Shaking over the keyhole
I open the box

Nothingness and hollow
Dirt hinges and fine cracks
Have emptied my love

I had filled the box
With all of my own soul’s love
So now I’m empty too

I will lay down now
Next to my tattered doll boy
Together in heartlessness

Within my soul’s death
A black truth that I cannot
Make someone love me

Mind scurries with thoughts
That I cannot love myself
And that’s the worst part.

~kb
kbww Sep 2018
Take me back to the beginning.
When the air was pure
and my head spinning.
A whirlwind of ideas,
honest goals and dreams.
A simple piece of paper
Becomes more than it seems.
A new light up yo-yo,
A fresh pack of Pez.
Red Rover, four square,
And Simon Says.
Red light, green light,
Time stood still.
Fully in the moment,
Capturing each thrill.

The days became shorter,
Time a constant state of living.
Red lights and green lights
Between tired eyes start dimming.
Air is black with soot
The pollution not only
From the cars and the buses
But from the sad sick and lonely.
Money suddenly a problem
When it didn’t exist before.
Princess castles
Have riches galore.
And at the end of the story,
Love had always prevailed.
Now a bright glowing screen
Excites loves’ tall tales.

And I stir here alone,
Head still spinning.
Counting the ways my goals dwindled,
How many new beginnings
Have altered that innocence
That used to seep through my pores.
The world closes in,
And I shut every door.

If I could just find that girl
That is hidden within.
Tell her to come out and play,
That the world needs her grin,
Her purest heart,
And unrelenting zest
For another new beginning,
Another path on this quest.
I could keep the doors shut
And live isolated.
It’s become comfortable here
Reminding myself I’m just jaded.


I’ve done that for too long.
Time to unlock all doors,
And hold on to hope
That I find her once more.
She can bust through the hinges
And sweep me away
To all the goals and the dreams
I’ve kept hidden away.
kbww Dec 2018
Lies line breaths like prison stripes
Barred up behind a story to memorize
Shifting eyes scream louder than a bullhorn
Wring hands red and rags to sinful water
Soul starts to drip disdain into veins
Inject a bit of guilt for good measure
A visceral polygraph deserving of reverence
Vanquished when eyes conclusively meet
The deliberate intent to deceive
Judgement that peace can befall only one
Biding time and ignorance
just to sacrifice both
Threads of trust fray and split
Left with life unraveling and
one knot to save it
Too busy cutting ties to learn

~kb
kbww Feb 2019
I do not cry for mistakes I’ve made;
I cry because I am one.

~kb
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