The only time
I feel like
Everything is going to be alright
Is when there's a fresh bottle
Of gin
In the fridge
Otherwise
It's downhill
I'm depressed
I'm miserable

The only time
I feel alive
Is when my glass is full
Half tonic
Half gin
Ice
Slice of lemon if I'm feeling adventurous
Otherwise
I'm dead inside
I feel almost nothing outside of sorrow

The only time
I can fall asleep
Is when my belly is filled with gin and tonic
I experience vivid dreams
I'm happy
My spirits visit me
Otherwise
The sun comes up to my eyes wide open
Listening to my rapid heartbeat
Thinking "I have work in two hours"

The only time I feel inspired
Is with a cold one in one hand
A pen in the other hand
Otherwise
I lack motivation
I lack any will to live
I dwell in negative energy
I have no hope for the future
Nothing flows
My thoughts are a scattered mess

Although I might die
Either I die from over indulgence
Or I die from sadness
Either way
I am dead
May the good Lord forgive me
For I know not what else to do
For I am intoxicated
As I type this
For sobriety feels like a prison to my pain

There must be a better way

Things are so bad
I wish
I could catch
A stray bullet
I'm not suicidal
But death
Would slap
Right now
I'm keeping my head
Close
To the window
In case
There is a shootout
My way out

I am not alone.
I walk with a lineage of greatness.
A bloodline of healers.
A generation of power.

I'm surrounded by these four walls,
My thoughts bouncing off of them;
Loud and clear.

I find comfort in these four walls,
Knowing that my cries for help never leave,
That when I wail at night no one can get to me.

I also feel trapped by these four walls,
They make me feel small,
The white colour blinding me when I come up for air each time.

But these four walls know me better than anyone else here,
They know the real me.
Because when I leave these four walls every morning,
I leave as a new me.

If I die,
Please save me the long dreaded speeches.
Whatever you never said while I was here,
Should be left unsaid.
Please read my poems outloud.
These were my true emotions.
My real thoughts.
Recite each at high pitch.
Sing my favorite hymn after each.
Save me the tears.
I've cried enough during my living years.
Save me the drama.
I've seen enough trauma.
Spare me the sadness.
I've felt all of it throughout my days.
Just hymns and poems.
I shall smile from above,
And at peace I shall be.

it's okay to feel.

you  are breaking
generational curses
generational traumas

some of those emotions
are not even your own

Everything is okay.
If it's not,
It's going to be okay.