You'll learn to love her.

I'm usually afraid of being alone,
but when I shut down,
I find comfort in the silence.
Comfort in not having fake a smile,
express myself or deal with the issues.
It is draining but at least it drains my fear as well.

One second I'm fine,
and another I'm engulfed.
I'm falling back,
submerging in the pain.
It might be harder to breath but
it's familiarity gives me comfort.
I slowly swim my way back to the shore
but I stop as they utter,
"why are you in such a bad mood?"
"can you smile?"
and I think to myself,
the shore is not for me.
I would rather have the waves surround me,
numbing me from the pain.

Won't you be so kind,
as to dim the light?
I am tired of smiling, greeting, interacting,
for with it comes pretending.
Beauty, Smart, Happy, Funny, Sweet they call me.
Names that do not befit me.
They see me always smiling, laughing, comforting other.
But those are done only with the light on.
A master I have always been,
at hiding my fears,
my pains,
my frustrations,
my problems,
my worries,
my anxiety.

So dim the light.
Let's not disappoint them.
For these tricks of mine are worsening in skill.
More breaks I have come to need,
more isolation I have come to crave,
Less light I want to see.

So dim the light.
For when I am alone.
I have become obsessed in this persona,
that beautiful, full of life, kindness, intelligence witch.
And it breaks my heart every time I remind myself that I am not her.
I grow envious, terrified, ashamed, isolated.

So dim the light.
I disappointed myself a long time ago and all I have is them.
And they love her so I will continue to give them her,
I promise I will not disappoint them.
Please, for me, dim the light

Devoured by worries,
drunk on thoughts,
she stumbled in the dark,
and violently greeted the dirt.
Night past by,
pitied the sight,
and extended his hand out.

She hastily refused,
for she thought she knew better,
for she was the light.
That guided “them” to safety.

She attempted to take a breathe,
but with each one she took hostage,
the pain in her chest did not cease.
it instead increased.

She exhaled.

Death accompanied with Emptiness walked by,
“Won’t you ease your grasp on life?” Death whispered,
Those words, laced with sin, were as comforting as a blanket.

Another life she desired,
one more chance she craved,
But was too tired to be swayed.

And so she welcomed them both,
into her broken home,
and the gladly accepted.
As thanks,
Death kissed her heart goodnight
and freedom, she no longer rejected.

It is but reality, I whisper to my being,
No more than a nightmare, but no less than the truth,
Hopelessness made a puppet out of me, and frustration found it entertaining.
I couldn’t escape, regardless of how fast I ran, how far, or who I begged for help.
I could not **** him, not because I loved him, but because he refused to die,
even after stabbing him more than once, he would not give me peace.
That is all I wanted, peace.
How can something so false, trick me so easily.
In a way, I knew that it was not real, but then again, I could not wake myself up.
It is what I was afraid my marriage would become, a marriage that would bring death to me.
That is why I refuse to date; I am alright with the butterflies remaining in their cage,
but I do not want to take their spot.
I do not want my tears of happiness to become tears of sadness.
I do not want those kisses on my neck to become blue and black.

Devoured by worries while drunk on thoughts,
She slowly becomes emotionally paralyzed.
Her arms lay near my body, refusing to greet the sky.
She takes a deep breath, trying to reclaim the room that darkness has stolen from her.
As she exhales, the tears gently roll down her face,
washing away the facade that she has spent so many years to create.
She is left without protection.

I am in love,
but lord knows if it’s real.
She is the most beautiful creature,
her heart is what I wish to steal.
But I am unsure,
if she is for me,
so I try to compare,
and fail every time.
This fate is too wicked.
Can’t you be mine?
If not, then how come?
You are what I dearly want,
and I will treat you with forever care and compassion.
You are everything to me…
or is it everything I am hoping to become?

Is she my escape...
I already have too many,
that “reality” is starting to morph
into an object of envy.
An object that I can never afford,
but always admire from afar when my heart is heavy.

I am unable to swim up and take in that breath of positivity
So I let go and let myself drift in my newly created reality

Part 1

Weary of always looking up,
of always ******* up,
of always chasing after Tranquilty.

She is one step in front of me,
and regardless of how much I shout at my legs to run,
she will always be one step in front,
so I plea and plea and plea.
“ Don’t leave me untouched”.
She does not reply for she refuses to see,
all of the agony that clutched onto me.

Constantly I am running,
I am chasing,
I extend my arm out,
and beg for her to take my hand,
but she doesn't even look behind.
I trip over Pride and Repetity and I fall
Oh she is so unkind.

I close my eyes as my body greets the floor.
Tumble down and bumble into a wall.
I do not wish to do this anymore.

Strength is what I desire,
Strength is what I need to acquire.
This so called Anxiety Wall, is 6 feet tall.
So I simply lay and recall,
a life that was never mine.

Over time,
the wall seems to grow,
is it due to my own design?