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Oct 2013 · 1.1k
Wind.
I miss you like the dawn.
Grey streaked horizons,
clumsily reaching for covers,
wrapped up in warmth.
I miss you like the moon.
Dying every night,
so that the sun may love
come morning.
I miss you like the trees.
Leaves dropping in autumn,
so beautiful and yet,
everything is dead.
I miss you like the cold.
Christmas lights,
and holiday joy.
So cold you can feel it in your bones,
like there is nothing else.
I miss you like the stars.
Fading with the new light,
yet always there,
watching.
And most importantly,
I miss you like the wind.
Always around me,
but I can't touch you,
or capture you in my hands.
Always there,
but impossible,
you are.
Oct 2013 · 892
Untitled
i'm used to it.*
I say.
Because I am.
And it's okay.
It's okay you didn't love me,
like you promised that you would.
It's okay you didn't love me,
I completely understood.
And it's okay that we are distanced..
I knew that this would come.
But best friend,
don't forget,
that you're my only one.
<3
"I've come here as a man in shambles—worn out from begging on my knees.
Please, I'm just trying to keep my family together.
Now, when you saw you're lover wore a ring around her finger, why didn't you stop?

I have half a mind to make you hurt, to make you bleed, to make you suffer.
I swear, if you've touched her—, oh, heaven,
Forgive what I would do to you, you monster.
And think about your children?
They'll never believe what you've done.

Listen, I'm begging you, back off.
Let me rebuild all the things that you shattered.

She meant it, I swear that she meant it, she whispered so often,
'Husband, I'll always be here with you.'

But always is always and always is valueless.
I wish I'd never heard her speak a word.

And I hope you see us—;
your wife, and your children, and I,
Buried in the wreckage of your crime,
While you're laying down your sins,
Softly leaning in to kiss your guilt goodnight.

She is mine. You stole her, somehow tricked her but we'll survive. We will. She loves me dearly—, you'll see. You are blind. She loves me dearly.

Breathe in.

He finally paused to take a breath
Then looked down—. It felt like staring into hell.
The man was seated in a chair before him, silent,
A statue framed in pain and flesh. He thought,
"Oh, what more can I say to sway him? To make this statue speak?
I swear he's made of stone and I am barely stirring up a breeze."


And after waiting in the silence,
Finally turned around to leave.
Broken and barely through the doorway,
Breathing slowly, beating hard, he heard him speak:

**"I guess love's a funny thing—the way it fades away without a warning.
It doesn't ask to be excused.
And when it's gone—oh, it's gone—and it ain't ever comin' back.

There is nothing you can do to save it,
To make it breathe the way it did when you were sliding on the ring.
Trust me: It's gone for good.

Now there is nothing you can do to stop me.
She is happy when she is with me and I am finally alive. I'm sorry."
Sometimes,
my best friend
tries to tell me a joke
that
I
already
know the punch line to.
And instead of
saying the answer,
I ask what?
And let her tell me
and I laugh
just as hard
as the first time I heard it.
And that..
Well,
I think that is love.
Sep 2013 · 935
Lies. (10 word.)
You woke me with kisses.
And to bed,

with    
lies..
I think we're all flowers.
Some of us are pretty,
some of us resemble more of a ****.
And the weeds envy the roses because they're so beautiful
and the roses envy the weeds because they can grow wherever they please.
But no matter if you're a rose or a dandelion..
We all get trampled on by somebody.
Sep 2013 · 1.6k
I am the beach.
I would refer to sadness as the ocean.
Huge, murky waves crashing
down.
And if sadness was the ocean,
then I am the beach.
Pounded relentlessly.
Walked on by thousands of feet.
There are bits of broken sea glass hiding under my surface.
Poking out once in awhile to reveal my cold insides.
The sand is something people love to flock to,
to confide in.
They whisper secretly to each other when the moon hangs low.
They smile brightly and play in the shallows of sadness.
But they are never fully submerged like I am.
Molecules of water from all over the world float to me, bringing me their tragedies.
I listen to them.
To the mother who lost her son in the war.
To the husband who lost his wife in the airplane.
To the children who have been used lustfully by others.
The whole ocean, is sadness.
And I..
Well I am the beach.
I want you to know that I love you.
Every single part.
The parts you have never loved about yourself.
And especially the parts that others don't like about you.

I want you to know that I love you.
I always have.
And I always will.
I've written it thousands of times on scraps of paper and in pen on my arm.

"I want you to know that I love you."

But what they say is true.
There really does come a point when you can't do it anymore.
You can't be the one always loving,
the one always fighting for something that just isn't there anymore.
And I want you to know that it's okay.

There comes a time when you feel yourself fading.
There's not much you can do to stop it,
except maybe try, try again.
But what is the point of living when you have to try that hard?

I've always said that if you don't want me,
I will let you go.
And I meant it.
It's no ones fault, it's just life and it's how it is.

So in a few weeks from now,
or months,
or years.
When you ask me what happened.
What's wrong.
I'll start off by saying this.

*I  want you to know that I love you..
The silent resignation of an always somber love.
Sep 2013 · 1.1k
Just another suicide
I fight the urge to slit my wrists every time I close my eyes.

Did you know that?

I'm so broken. No one wants me. I have good moments but oh my god I fantasize about bleeding to death on a cold night. Please god, I don't wan to fight this. I just want to die.
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
Dear mom
I have never seen someone so broken
until I looked in the mirror tonight.
After spending an hour driving
a hundred miles per hour in my car.
Up and down the free ways,
crying so hard, I couldn't even see.
I hate the way you make me,
storming out of the house,
calling me every name in the book.
Grabbing your keys,
car scraping across the pavement as you drive off.
Are you crazy??
You could have killed someone,
or gotten killed yourself.
I could have been killed..

I wanted to be

I spent the whole time fantasizing
about slamming my car into the guard rail.
Or blowing a red light.
I fantasized about you sobering up,
and realizing that you're the one that killed me.
I wanted you to feel pain.
Pain like you've caused me.
Because you died.
About a year ago.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
All I know,
is that you cause me pain.
Once upon a time
I took the heart out of my chest.
I put it in a wooden box
Where it would lay to rest.
I buried down in the earth,
as far as I could dig.
X didn't even mark the spot
so I could always keep it hid.
It wasn't really strangers
who I didn't want to find.
I was more worried about myself
and the pictures in my mind.

I have been walking in this world
for a million years it seems.
Not filled with blood, or love, or trust,
or a heart that used to beat.
I spend most of my time crying,
tsunami waves of tears.
I gladly walk into the ocean,
because I have nothing to fear.
And even as the years passed,
and I searched for my chest,
I couldn't remember where I'd placed it,
finally laying it to rest.

It can be quite frustrating,
if I think I may come to love.
But I quietly remind myself
of all the things you'd done.
I wish to have my heart back,
before I'd known your name.
But instead it's good and buried,
and it's better off that way.
Aug 2013 · 814
Untitled
You can't always focus on what is gone,
but focus on what you have.
Even if you're mad,
and sad,
and things get bad.
When people leave you,
because they have to.
And people stay because they want to.
You can cry a day, or maybe two.
But when tomorrow comes,
and the day is new.
You should try to smile
for the things still here.
For the things that will never disappear.
That only grow stronger with every tear.
Your blue eyes are the ocean,
and I drowned myself at sea.

Your smile is as bright as snow,
so I freeze to death in winter.

And your kisses taste like cigarettes,
so now I'm addicted to smoking.
I want you to know that it's okay to be broken. To just be the thousands of tiny pieces that you are. To not always be whole, but sometimes hollow. I know you hold things down in your chest; pushing them back to hide in all the darkest places of your heart. But I know it takes more out of you than you are willing to recognize. I know I'm the opposite of you and I get in trouble for that. And in all honesty..yeah, it does hurt to be ridiculed for just dealing with things how I need to. In spite of that.. I don't want you to ever feel like I do. Stop being so insecure. I know people have hurt you and I know I'm probably one of them. But those boys who have lied to you and fooled around on you.. That is their own insecurities coming out of them. They are good for nothing and I swear to you, in a few years it'll show through. Just realize you are beautiful and the best friend I've ever had even though we fight constantly and **** each other off. You may not always have the attention of the people you want or be praised by the people you want. But you've made me smile at least once everyday for the last three years and that has to be worth something, doesn't it?
Jul 2013 · 999
Some nights.
I think I'm addicted to sadness.
Jul 2013 · 1.2k
Bug.
My best friend is amazing. The way she lights up a room. With her voice that sounds like soft rain through your window when she's tired. With her eyes that sometimes look like whiskey; that sometimes look like the kind of moss you find on trees in the middle of the forest in Oregon. Her iris, always hiding the stars. Like if you look deep enough you could see the end of space; galaxy upon galaxy. She has a smile that I swear is the sun. It lights up every part of my life. I gravitate towards it; like a bug to a front porch light. Constantly buzzing, hovering. Constantly feeling the need to protect. Literally feeling my shoulders tense up if there's even the slightest chance of harm.

She's such a beautiful individual. You know the feeling you get when you travel to a new place and see things you've never seen before? It's like I spend all my time exploring the eighth wonder of the world. And I'm one of the only people who get a chance to see. I've taken in more than a million sunsets on a million different beaches in the all the corners of the earth. I've seen more than a thousand monuments; more than a thousand picture perfect places. Felt all of their wonder. But you know when you come home from a long trip, and your car finally reaches the driveway and you see your front door and put your stuff down in your room and lie on your bed and just feel a sense of home and comfort? Well she's like that too. She's my home, my shelter. The person I always go to when I am feeling down, even if she doesn't know it and we just watch movies on the couch all day. She's the person I text when the depression hits me and I want to take a razor to my wrist. She's my home.

My best friend. The most amazing person I've ever known, or ever will know. I have made thousands of memories, and can't wait to make thousands more. Everything that I do has a piece of her in it. And I just feel so honored to have been able to be part of her life. And hope I've been half the friend that she has been to me.
Reflecting a lot this weekend.

Comments ad constructive criticism welcome.
Jul 2013 · 773
Believe. (10 w.)
Ask me why
I believe
in God.

I'll say:

you.
Slowly dying,
stories of her past
hide in the wrinkles of her skin.
stories,
told and not told,
Brought to the brim of light blue eyes;
searching,
talking to her mother
who died before the Berlin Wall.
"The black birds are coming."
But not soon enough.
Shaking suffering,
not able to speak.
Skin like paper,
but having to be tough.
Surviving five wars,
and numerous gas prices,
and elections of presidents.
And now as the clock ticks
she sleeps.
And slips slowly away
into what I believe is Heaven.
Jun 2013 · 733
I need to learn to be
I was everything,
           then I was something.
Now I am something,
           falling into


n


o


t


h


i


n


g
Jun 2013 · 1.9k
Passionate masochist.
I swear on everything that I care about
that I really do try to be happy.
But sometimes I get so tired of trying
that I just become sad for a bit.
And I hate when old habits come back
just to bring me new secrets to keep.
Completely rambling
Jun 2013 · 953
They say I'm unsinkable.
They say I'm unsinkable.

A pristine piece of machinery,

the finest on the water.

They say I'm unsinkable.

I can take on anything.

I can carry anybody.

They say I'm unsinkable.

But if the Titanic could sink,

than so could I.
Jun 2013 · 947
Please.
Dear cheater:

Please don't hurt my girl.
Don't break her heart,
don't make her cry.
Don't **** her like last time,
feel like she's died.
Don't make promises,
that you can't keep.
That will make my lovely
begin to weep.
Don't use your charm,
to reel her in.
Or act like she, is all you've been;
waiting for to have your heart.
And as she begins to feel the start;
of a love brand new,
where you have changed;
change your mind
and leave her in pain.
All I ask is that you love her right.
That you let her win all your fights,
and hold her tight through out the night.
Because I've seen what she's  been through.
What she's been through with you.
So if you don't love her,
cut her loose.
And the next girl you catch..
Don't abuse.
I've known for a few weeks now.. My shoulders tensed up and boom. All the signs were there. I know I haven't been good to you in the past, and it hurts me to know that you don't even feel comfortable enough to trust me with this. But I completely understand why. I know how I am and how I've acted. But tonight on my way home, I had a bit of a talk with God. I didn't ask him but one thing and I pray he sees me through. I never want you hurt and I hope you know that. I can't be the one to try to guard your heart.. It doesn't work like that and I'm sorry for the past. You know what you are getting yourself into and if you are okay with that, than I am too. I meant it when I said I support any of your decisions. I just want you to be happy and never have your heart broken. Ever. You deserve the world and i prayed so hard thats what you're given. So beautiful girl... If this is what makes you happy, then **** him with that smile. Always- K
Jun 2013 · 691
One more year.
I guess my favorite part about my decision
is that I dont have to say goodbye anymore.
I have one more year with you,
you don't have to have me but I'll always want you.
Best friend.
I need to be normal.
For myself,
and others too.
Every time I look in the mirror,
           I am disgusted by myself.
                      The way I look.
                 The way I move.
                                                       The way everything is so
    

                                         big.
I hate my genes,
                                                      And I hate my jeans.
I hate being beautiful in "my own way"
                   I think I'd rather them just say I'm plain.

I hate the way I have laughed at myself
           So now all my friends laugh at me too.
And I just shake it off;
             Even though it
                       *hurts me.
                             And I
                                hate
                          ­        the
                                way
                 ­                     I
                                  am.
I love you and I always will.
Even when I get on your nerves,
when I annoy you,
and maybe am not the nicest.
                 *I love you and I always will.

                 Even when you don't want to trust me,
                 when you don't want to be around me,
                 but at the same time you do.
I love you and I always will.
For all the memories we have shared.
Every good one,
and every bad.
And for all of the ones to come.
                 I love you and I always will.
                 Even if you don't feel the way my heart
                 feels around you.
                 Or you don't understand the way
                 my soul kind of clicks whenever
                 you're here.
                 I don't understand it either.
                 I just know I have a million things to say,
                 and a lot of them,
                 I know you don't want to hear.
                 There's nothing wrong with that.

*But I love you and I always will.
May 2013 · 1.1k
This is not what it seems..
I think of you often.
When I'm driving
or right before bed.
I think of the way things ended..
how we seemed perfect only weeks before,
and then in a flash,
you were taken from me.
I don't think I've ever cried so much
as I did that night.
I couldn't even go to school the next day.
The truth is,
I miss you.
I miss how you were the one
who was always there for me.
You never left,
even when I came crying to you,
even when I ignored you.
I miss the way you push me,
as messed up as that seems.
How we'd spend hours together,
and by the end,
I'd be hunched over;
exhausted and sweating.
How you'd bruise me and make me bleed.
But I craved to touch you,
and feel you in my hands.
I'll never forget every lesson you taught me,
good and bad.
And even though I see you sometimes,
on a Saturday night..
I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy
when you're with other girls.
You have influenced my life
and will always be part of it.
You will be part of my future.
But eventually..
I will lose you again.
And I don't know if I can take that.
Just know that I'll always love you.
To my greatest love.
May 2013 · 1.4k
More than one.
You don't have to tell me
                 I'm not good enough.

I already know.
When I ask you

silly questions...

like if you'll go on

adventures with me.

And I describe these

futuristic moments

in full detail...

I'm just trying to

tell you how much

*I love you
You had my trust,
and like dust,
it settled in the corner,
as if it were metal to rust.
It was like change in your pocket
and just like that,
you lost it.
Not understanding
that it wasn't yours to lose.
Taking everything from me in twos.
And when I finally fought back for it,
coming back from a forfeit,
the tables were turned;
as you had learned
what it felt like to be burned.
I can say I felt sorry for you.
I really did, I really do.
But I'm not ready to lose.
And even if I only know the truth,
of what you do,
and who you talk about me to;
Trying to be something more,
with selfish intentions and nothing more;
with jealousy that you don't deserve,
with nothing but fake words...
Well then take your trust,
and take your dust.
And you know what?
You can even take your rust.
And keep trying to be the best,
if you must.
Sometimes I have these dreams where you are taken from me. Your parents are usually the ones to tell me, their faces contorted with grief and streaked with tears. I fall to the floor, and on my knees I sit, everytime without fail, I fall to the floor. I'm not sure if I could call the emotion in my chest pain because that's such an understatement to what's happening in my body. Imagine an elephant sitting on your chest, crushing your lungs so you could not breathe. And imagine yellow jackets swarming inside of you. Your heart is their nest and they drift out, provoked, stinging you over and over; leaving thousands of stabs of pain in your chest, all combining to form one kind of poison. It hurts so bad it almost has this itchiness about it. And then imagine someone smashing your head open with a hammer. No form of thought, nothing being processed. Just darkness. Just grief. And then my dreams change to being at your funeral. What does one wear, I wonder? to an occasion which marks the ending of life as they knew it. I would just sit there.. I can never hear anything, it just hurts so bad. I'm constantly crying, not even able to get a grip on reality. Because it couldn't be real could it? My biggest fear coming true. And before I wake up shaking and so hot but so cold at the same time.. My dreams shift to me driving alone in my car, with that dead expression I get sometimes. Always listening to music, always hungry but having no appetite, always thinking about you. And when I wake up from these dreams, I really do think about you. And I pray. Hard. Not even praying.. Just letting God read my thoughts. Because what would happen if I ever lost you? Oh my god.. I couldn't imagine. I would be absolutely nothing. Worse, than my most hellish dreams. So please don't ever leave me in any way shape or form. I couldn't do it. Not even in my dreams.
Completely venting about dreams (or nightmares) that are had almost every night.
I don't know how many times
I have to say it.



*So I won't.
I watched the
sunrise this morning.
The way the sky had
started out black and then
slowly began to turn light
with each new pastel color;
until the blazing sun finally
set fire to the horizon
and filled the whole sky.
It reminded me of
what happens
to my heart
every time
I'm around you.
It starts out dark.
But then you come
along and suddenly
it's filled with light.
And even the jet planes
that left their trails
across the sky
were colored bright orange.
Just like my scars,
they too,
were covered with light.
She  arranges her face into a smile;

And no one will ever know she was crying.
Apr 2013 · 1.2k
If you wonder why I worry.
The world is a war.
Children can't even play outside anymore.
Bullets fall down as easily as rain,
as fathers and mothers weep from the pain.
No more midnight movies,
or school day fun.
No more trips to the city,
to go on a run.
Bombs blow smoke clouds up in the air,
filling the air with such a despair.
The ground splattered blood red
and Nike Free blue.
Lunch halls with bullet holes
and soaked with spilled juice.
And the playground goes quiet,
just ghosts on the swings.
Not old enough to know what happened,
never even seeing sixteen.
And if you wonder why I worry,
and always want you safe..
It's stories like these,
that really make me pray.
Staring at my hands;
a realization that
the love line that runs
through my palm
is broken.

*So that explains it.
Apr 2013 · 1.6k
I am Broken.
I'm a broken soul,
(You've probably gathered that from my screen name.)
I'm not depressed,
I'm not something to be fixed or changed.
I'm just broken.
And I always will be.
It won't change anything;
I'll always be this way.
Broken.
And that's okay.
I'm confident enough in myself to know
that I will make it through.
But that doesn't change anything either.
There have been and will be moments and people that make me smile and feel like I may be whole again.
But I won't be.
I'll be broken.
I was thinking today about how a person can only take so much before they break. Depression, anger, self harm, betrayal, untrue promises, and loss... I am broken.
Apr 2013 · 732
Stuck in Colder Weather.
She was my best friend,
and I miss her more than can be explained.
We used to be like one person,
but now everything has changed.
She didn't talk to me for days
and acted like everything was okay
right before she went away.
I had to block it out,
I can only take so much pain;
Be taken advantage of,
so I spent every day,
wondering if I'd see her again
before she left for L.A.
But it didn't happen,
it hasn't happened.
We grew so far apart.
When I take time to think about it,
it honestly breaks my heart.
We weren't always there for each other,
we had other things we had to do.
But when it all came down to it,
we always saw each other through.
Not talking about the serious,
just made each other laugh.
And we'd always joke about how much we ate
and that we were gonna be so fat.
The truth is, I miss the simple stuff;
Not really talking about life.
Just going through each day one at a time.
And taking life with a grain of salt,
tequila,
and lime.
For C.

Sloppy and not well done.
Apr 2013 · 4.4k
Insecurities.
Sometimes I wonder why
I am the way that I am.
He wants the best for her;
but when he speaks,
I see a ghost.
He wants the best for her,
and she swears,
that she knows.
But I see her eyes glaze over,
sending her thoughts somewhere far.
As he talks about things she needs to do,
not even thinking of her scars.
Her bruises,
the ones you see and the ones you don't.
His words are sharp as a razors,
making the hurt seem to float,
to the surface.
More than once she has to hear,
of everything she didn't do.
"Don't you worry now, my dear."
Is what I want to say,
though she won't listen.
And sometimes my eyes glisten when hers glisten.
I guess I'm just more proud than I can explain.
I see the passion in her being,
swallowing all the pain.
She blocks it out,
and she's good at it,
I must say.
Dont listen to his words my friend,
he will finally see one day.
Mar 2013 · 683
3 a.m. secrets
I think I'm going to drive
to the little church tonight.
You know how I do that sometimes.
When things get bad here,
and I just need a little peace and quiet.
Maybe...
Maybe you can come with me sometime;
when you need to get away too.
We don't have to talk at all;
just sit in the parking lot for a few hours.
Maybe we can spend the night;
that's what I'll be doing tonight.
I need to get away from all the yelling,
all the anger.
It fills up inside of me until I explode.
Would you spend the night with me?
It's just a little car,
but I'd let you have the back seat;
give you all the best blankets.
I'd wake up every hour or two
to turn the heater on and keep you warm.
You don't have to give me an answer now.
But if you ever feel like flying away,
just drive to my part of town and find me there.
And come in and sleep.
Sleep and dream,
in that little church parking lot.
Mar 2013 · 625
Conversations in the rain.
"For once.. Can you just think of yourself?"

I sat there for a moment.

Who is 'myself'? I wondered*

I still don't know what she was talking about.
I know things hurt you and weigh down on your soul.
And people have left you and just let you fall.
I know I've been one of them a time or two.
But I swear on my life, I'll be better for you.
I would give you my own heart,
though it may be more torn.
I would find you a rose to hold
without any thorns.
I would read up on jokes and things to make you smile.
And lay on the couch and just listen for awhile.
I would listen to your problems, your dreams, your hopes.
I would listen to your secrets and not let anybody know.
I would give you my whole self,
with both of my hands.
And follow in your footsteps wherever you ran.
We would go on adventures to just forget the world.
Play in the grass, watch the clouds swirl and swirl.
And when the sun finally set,
like the fire in your eyes;
I would be there for you to just let you cry.
Cry about whatever;
but I would hold your hand close.
And tell you I love you and never let you go.
I would lie down beside you whenever you fell;
fight off the demons of your personal hell.
And in the morning I'd hug you as soon as you wake;
and whisper, "Keep smiling. Today's a new day."
Mar 2013 · 773
Only frustration.
The only thing that bothers me is that
               you don't trust me with these things.
                           Always second to find out but first
                           to offer comfort, advice, and love..

               You don't trust me with these things.
That's the only thing that bothers me.
I am scared. I am scared of failing, of never prevailing; of being let down and being let go. I'm scared of you hurting, of never really learning, of not being here to get to watch you grow. And tomorrow: who knows what it brings; thousands of things, that seem to sing, and scream, and claw at my head. Making my eyesight swallowed in red. And it's  said; I won't forget you I know that it's true. But the days pass by and I'm almost through. Why can't you, just come with me when I go? Just drop everything and come and hit the road. But I'm selfish, for even thinking such things. The emptiness consumes me and I want to just scream; your name, my anchor, my truth. The one one who made me believe, that's you. And I know, I overwhelm you and put the stress in your back. And I say things I shouldn't and I never relax. And you get quiet or maybe don't reply; and sometimes I sit here just waiting and die. It's not your fault.. I know I'm too much. I guess I just have an issue with trust. I have an issue with forgetting, with just letting go. Especially when I remember everything you don't know. I'm okay with being loved how I am now. Of sometimes hitting cold shoulders and frowns. Of watching you drown; even when I throw you a rope. Even when I try to give you some hope; a smile, my shoulders to lean. But I don't know if you listen to me or anything. I tell you I love you, that you're my whole world. I don't just say this to you to give you a whirl. To hear something back; though I admit it'd be nice. I haven't heard it for awhile; maybe once or twice. See the truth is, I'm pathetic. But it's the way that I am. Holding onto your words with both of my hands. I'm terrified, to ever let you go. Though I have a friend similar and she says she knows; that when I go, it'll never be the same. That you'll forget my name and from where I came. From who I am, and how I act. She said that all I'll see is your back; as it turns from me and walks out the door. I think if that happens I'll just sit on the floor. Give me a jacket to hug myself and a pinwheel to blow, spin round and round and see where it goes. Because that's what I'd be like; just spinning round and round. Waiting for you to come back around. To visit, to text me, to call me goodnight. I'm not gonna hold you back from your life. I want you to grow, to meet somebody new. To have a best friend who can be there with you. I want you to go on adventures and laugh in the sun. Someone to be there to let you have fun. And not be so protective as I always was. Let you lean on them and give you their love. I'm preparing for my last night to be a final goodbye. Just because what if it is, and I never got to cry? Or tell you how I love the color of your eyes; your humor.. There's so many things. So many things that I'll always sing; and keep in my heart. Together forever and never apart. Well, I guess apart. And like I said I'm scared. I know you'll see this and won't say a word; it's not how you are, of that I'm sure. Just know that I spent an hour, lying in my room. Trying not to call you and tell you I love you. Trying not to text you, just to say sweet dreams. Trying to not think of you and everything you mean; to me. I'm terrified and I have been every day. And I will be every night until I go away. And I'll probably sit in my room there, a few hours up the state. And write about the way you are on another hundred page.
Completely venting.
Mar 2013 · 3.2k
I'm an old soul.
Do you ever feel like dying?
Not sinfully, I swear.
No suicide involved in this,
but life you cannot bear.
Do you ever feel like letting go?
Traveling to God.
Just leaving everything behind,
though nothing's even wrong.
My mom calls me an old soul,
I see through different eyes.
Sometimes I just feel tired,
and think that I must die.
For how will I get through every trivial day?
When I've been here before,
and everything's the same.
Don't get me wrong,
I have so many moments that I love.
I have a best friend,
could I watch her from above?
It's not that I'm sad,
that I'm depressed or anything.
Sometimes I just want to go home.
I want to get my wings.
Sometimes I have a feeling,
that maybe I'll die young.
But don't be sad if I'm gone when my life has just begun.
It's not like this is my first time,
I've been here before.
I'll stay here for a little while,
but prepare for me to soar.
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
An Angel Returning Home.
A somber family crowds around a frail body;
greying hair, bruised skin, and blue in the face;
Struggling for air as the beeps start to get quiet.
Her favorite music is playing beside her,
intermingled with the choked sobs of her children.
They line the bed along with their dad,
holding onto her limp hands;
playing with the tangles of her hair.
Her husband strokes her head and whispers the words of "their" song ino her ear.
It's quiet, aside from the music and the sniffles.
Amazing grace begins to play,
and her two daughters start to sing to their mother.
It brings tears to mine and everybody's eyes.
Her labored breathing slows somewhat.
As the choir picks up in the end of the song,
a vision floats behind my eyes.
I see this woman dying in front if me, but I see her differently.

She is standing in a white dress, her hair no longer grey, but instead restored to its fiery red.
The skin isn't pulled tight across her bones;
but full and warm and healthy.
She smiles a smile that floats in her eyes;
and she's singing along with the choir.
God's light surrounding her as she enters into His Kingdom.


The vision is gone as quickly as it came.
But I smile a little because I know she's not suffering anymore.
After a few more minutes, her heartbeat has come to a stop.
Shouts of "Praise God!" rise into the air.
And I know,
that she is finally home.
Rest in peace grandma. I know that you are finally safe.
I hope you know that I'll always hold you;

always catch you when you fall.

You're so strong, with your proud chin hoisted upwards.

No one would ever see the slouch in your shoulders,

unless you wanted them to.

The tiredness of your eyes;

deep purple smudges on your eyelids.

Your smile may settle in a delightful curve

but it doesn't set in your eyes like the sun.

I will catch you, I promise;

If you should choose to fall, do not be wary.

You won't hit the hard ground, the cold earth.

But you will hit my arms.

And you can just rest there.

Rest there, my dear.

And don't worry about anything.

You don't have to speak;

I will listen to the way your voice sounds,

sincere or not;

I will catch you, darling.

If you should ever fall.
Feb 2013 · 1.3k
Wanderlust
I want to travel the world with you;

just to walk by your side in every city.
Feb 2013 · 1.0k
Mama, I miss you.
Mama,
you hurt my heart.
Who are you?
You've gone away.

Mama,
I wanted to be just like you.
But not now.
Not these days.

Mama,
why are you drinking,
before my game,
before you work?

Mama,
why are you so selfish,
making everybody hurt.
I don't even know you these days.
You're not the same
with the games you play.

Mama,
I wanted to be strong like you.
But for now...

I'm just through.
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