Can you make a friend— like a craft project?
I know, I hear this parental voice, “just be yourself.”

All of my classes this semester will be in one building, but I’m a control freak, I wanted to walk my schedule, go class to class, like I will on my first day. I have a locker too—this is so high school—but I wanted to find it, try the combination and plan what I’ll carry. I have questions too, like how’s the wi-fi, are there charging outlets, and where can I get coffee?

Orientation is Tuesday—but who can wait until Tuesday? Classes start Wednesday.  I’d never sleep this weekend with so many questions. I’m already having dreams where I’m lost, late and embarrassed.

So there I was, this morning, dressed for class with my green messenger bag—doing it—schedule in hand. I went into a small auditorium with cushioned, crimson, theater seating—where my first class will be—and there’s this other girl, dressed for class, schedule in hand.

We were like twins, except she’s tall and black and I’m not. Right off she commanded me, handing me her phone, no preamble, no “How do you do,” to “Take my picture.”
Of course, I obeyed, I’m not from outer space. I burst 50 quick frames, as she slightly varied her pose and she did likewise for me.

Her name is Chella and she graduated from Yale last week too, with a ‘Bachelor of Science in Global Affairs.’ I think I saw her on campus once or twice but our paths had never directly crossed.
“But IS "Global Affairs" a science degree?” I asked skeptically.
“Probably not,” she answered, “but some of us can live with ambiguity.”
Her first direct, commanding phrase limns her personality perfectly.
Yeah, we hit it right off.
.
.
Songs for this:
Cruel To Be Kind by Letters to Cleo
Perfect Day by Povo
Are You Trying to Be Funny? by Everything But the Girl

Time flows by like sand through a sieve.
The  hourglass doesn’t slow or forgive.
My heartbeat pounding in my ears,
next logical step drowned by my fears.
Hard to move forward when you seem frozen in place.
Teetering like a delicate sculpture ready to break.
Shaped by my past my present rips me apart. Choose a path…. But instead i graph and chart.
Which way is best, not painful, truthful no ruse, but the answers don’t line up and so my heart i  just confuse.
Perhaps looking for the path that carries no pain,
Is what is setting me off course making me insane?
It doesn’t really exist, it’s called apathy and going numb.
I don’t want to lose myself to the temptation, i wont succumb.
But what’s the alternative this constant uncertainty, pain, and grief.
Cycle on repeat no break or relief?
Worn out by the burden of carrying it all
pushed beyond capacity becoming small.
I’ve taught myself to be less to avoid the pain
rejection, irritation, anger, being called a drain.
Careful of who i let see more than just a shadow
Hiding behind the image they want to bestow.
I find myself longing to just break free.
Release the self made constraints holding me.

Every time i think I’ve hit the bottom there is another hole in the floor. Searching for my way out but i cant find the door.
Unstable and unsteady again and again i fall, i am worried when its over there will be nothing left at all.
Crumbling all around me so much that needs repair. Do i keep on  holding it together not giving into despair.
I long for peace like a desert longs for rain, but here i am falling through chaos and pain.
This grief so heavy rising is a chore. Half afraid of /half longing for the day i wont rise anymore.
Just the honest truth my insides feel like a battle torn waste, but on the outside i pull it all back put a smile on my face.
Like planting roses for a structure that has been condemned. Trying to protect something precious but not equipped to defend.
Living in this pattern of hold it together, cry out, crawl, and fall. Nothing that i do seems to matter at all.
Left wondering why i keep fighting when it seems to all end in a mess. I don’t want perfect i just don’t want Aching emptiness.

I choke on thickness of it as it rolls in. A dark black cloud full of regrets, ifs, whens, and thens.
It fills my eyes, my ears, my lungs. I cant see, hear, or breathe. I taste it on my tongue.
It shatters me from the inside out leaves me on the floor not knowing the way out.
Screaming, clawing, i will not just succumb.
Feel it, breathe it, just don’t let yourself go numb.
I thought i knew my triggers but i keep finding more. This is what happens when the body keeps the score.
It holds records of all the pain…. the tears, and fears; traces of them long after still remain.
I thought I knew you turns out i was wrong. You were someone else all along.
Thought i heard the Lords voice but i think it was mine. I wanted so badly to believe our love was divine.
You and i were not meant to be we have almost destroyed ourselves trying to force opposite polarities.
Bitterness and resentment grows within each our hearts. Poison slowly killing us from our innermost parts.
How long before we admit the ruse. Quit tearing each other apart so afraid to lose.

I am gonna come clean...
I think I am just a
tinsy-wee bit of a
DRAMA QUEEN!

Seeing things
in hyper-colour
When really it's black and white
and lacking wings

Yep,
I’m a queen
Of drama and melodrama
Take me down, down into the deep.

Where there is no sleep,

But a perpetual stream,

of life...

You ever get that sudden surge?
You  Don't know where it came from
A salty pulse behind the eyes
That swells
Then leaves your skull
A smell
A taste
A tune
A movie
A wave from those
That have gone on
A hail from heart to brain
From where
They now belong.