Muddled, confused, dark... its getting difficult to sleep
cracked, dried up and lost, the air blows away the dust that makes me
the chaos and destruction that lies within my mind
I sort out through the voices that tell me everything is fine
on my hands and knees I crawl through the smoke
I keep going even though I know life is just some big joke
with nobody on my side still I tremble on
finding no reason to keep living, most of my essence gone
as I take my last breath, just as I'm about to call it quits,
a flare of the brightest light bursts through all my ****** up ****
my instinct is to run, anything so bright usually burns
I never thought with even a flicker of recognition it could finally be my turn
the rock that falls off the cliff finds it hard to realize
where it's going until it gets there, but with time sees everything through new eyes
now that I have finally fallen, and the dust is settling,
the air around me lifts me higher, I cant imagine where it will bring me
Air is the answer, it makes even the smallest things take flight
to you I owe my everything, my heart, my soul, my life
my love in its most truest form, my strength, my power
even if we are both extremely raw, I'm ready to bloom until we flower

Never being able to sleep
always seems to be the theme of my life
the soundtrack so dramatic
action packed and inappropriate

However the reasons now have changed
my heart beating at a different pace
thinking I can finally answer
all the questions burning in my mind

Being the being I have always wanted to be
is fulfilling in so many countless ways
having lost so much time over chasing this concept
never expecting to actually capture it

Not endlessly striving for perfection
just wanted to be relatively understood
my thoughts always so busy in my before
with everything else in my now has been soothed

Feelings sometimes get the better of me
like the rug pulled from under me, caught unawares
the best I can do is follow the direction they lead
but this time the end result completely unknown

With complete anticipation
yearning, aching, and almost desperation
I take one tiny step forward
and, clumsy me, fall flat on my face

The difference is
as I lay with my inbetweens
I will forever always get up
never letting the fall get my very best

Not anymore.

Restlessly comes the passion
pouring out of me like the moonlight
even if we were to never speak again
something inside me has been awoken
the time of mundane long forgotten.

I wish to gaze at the universe with you
the possibilities under the sky eternal
like a wave the calm rushes over me
resonating unlike ever before
felt by this skin and these bones.

Startling sometimes the stars in my eyes
hardly daring to imagine the reality
of symmetry and solidity
so perfectly we intertwine
with pure, white light.

How intriguing to comprehend
what causes the symptom of small butterflies
spinning around in dizzy circles
half asleep, lucid dreaming
dancing with smiles on their wings.

just how far is this all supposed to go
the best thing for me is to never let it cross my mind again
but yet it does
there it is
lingering
refusing to leave
I almost wish I knew what went through your mind
if you honestly forget or if you are really full of it
do you expect anything from me
there is simply nothing I can do
you have gone ahead and crossed the line
wasting every last bit of my time
you could have just kept pretending to pretend
I would have been fine
but you waited to use the fact that I never speak to you
as an excuse
to come back around
trying to apologize for something I don't even remember
super miniscule on the novel of things you have to apologize for
I wouldn't even care
but you are the worst at being the worst
you can't do anything right
please leave me alone
and continue doing absolutely nothing worthwhile with your time.

catch the earth
it has lost its breath
cast your net
wide with subjugation
but you will never capture
what you think you know
but fail to understand.

Happening too soon
I'm beginning to lose
it in the back of my mind
coming at me from all sides

different ways of everyone
telling me there is a right
and wrong always so caught up
in having every answer

and somehow missing the point.
I never loved you to get anything in return.
When I love
my reasons are for
that one
small
feeling...

I thought I had this planned
set aside the gas money
marked the map
packed the snacks

but the way things turned out
I was on the completely different road
going in the opposite direction
and I'm not sure how to find my way back...

Things are much better from afar away stand still.

The moonlight is somehow pink
but only in the air around me
somehow I wish you were still here
even though I know there is far
too much that will never be said
no matter how badly I want to

Everybody hurts me when they leave
and in the end, they all do
but so far none has left me hollow
quite the way it did when I walked away
and still, it feels like being ripped apart
from something I've realized I never knew

The balance has shifted and fallen
my potential left untouched
what I need is ignored
what I have to give
being slowly forgotten
who will find me?

or shall I simply disappear?

I am lonely.
Solitary, confined, empty.
Alive, warm, home.
I am lucky.
This I know.

But this endless middle ground
habitual uncertainty
all I want is to be found
will he or won't he
and I sink beneath the ground
sickening to say the least
somewhere inside I have a voice
but not one soul is around
no one left to ask me.

Once again I'm drawn within
I see with blurry eyes
their plane crashed and I die inside
for a love I have never known
and maybe never will.

I observe as he gets mad
not knowing what to say
it makes me laugh because I know
he loves her every day
as time passes they will grow
while being side by side
and I am left just by myself
swimming against the tide.

There was a time their life was threatened
and they could have lost it all
but now it seems she's lost to us
so our hearts will take the fall.
The love they share is like no other
holding onto what is real
I dream about it on the daily
pink and blue is what I feel.

My mind hangs on by a thread.
As each day comes to an end.
Going over what was said.
People care, but aren't aware.
Avoid and swerve, as if I care,
I'm reaching out, but nothing's there.

But to explain the feel of the natural pull I'm not sure how I would describe
The pulsating frequencies rubbing off within the walls of the inside of my mind
I long to dance around those like minded souls
Burning passion like fire
My fear no longer hooks me captive I won't hesitate
Because you never know what might be right around the corner
Good music is my vibe.
The harder the challenge
the wider my smile.

The very first rule
has been broken
that you made
in the first place.

When waking up in the morning
is all that I can do sometimes
when breathing hurts so badly
when I know I cannot cry
because I will not stop.

My faith in being honest never wavers
no matter how many souls
lie to
cheat on
deceive
leave
prey on
abuse
ghost


In love I still believe
but I think you have finally convinced me.

You may feel backed in a corner
but I have no way out.

I find myself too often
complaining on the daily
about the broken world in which we live
where violence is easy

The other day I caught myself
in a moment of being happy
feeling lucky about
being able to trust again

I find freedom in reliance
in the mutual agreement
to cherish someone to the fullest
I found our sacred place

The string that connects us
even over distance
the ease in which it all fell into place
was honestly magnificent

Sometimes it hurts when I can't describe
how vast my love for you really is
so deep and sweet and beautifully natural
like dark chocolate and violins

I'm discovering myself
while talking to you every day
but as I start to feel brand new
stretching and fluttering my wings
I keep hitting that crash landing

These are my dreams
You are making them come true
and sometimes I still can't believe
that I am one for you too

Clouded judgement
biased opinions
based off stereotypes
and ancient value
your own experience
from perhaps too many years
it all makes sense
but you can't lay it down on me.

Always wanting what is best
never fully healing past
what happened in your world
which was catastrophic
but at some point we all
come to the realization
to move on
...if we are strong
now I know
why I can never seem to reach you.

Always seeming to gather
thoughts and emotions
reports and reviews
of everything
from other people
having to master
knowing what they think
before making up your mind
so you aren't even really yourself
which is part of why
you can't seem to reach me.

After all this time
nights of crying and asking why
I have so much pain
can all this anger
find its place
having no inclination
as to where it all has come from
not personally experiencing
what some may end up calling
the textbook definition of
depression
post traumatic stress *******
anxiety
attention deficit hyper whatever
but yet all at once.

Aggravatingly confusing
constantly asking
question after question
getting over my father issues
knowing they ultimately
came from your inabilities
getting over every of my problems
simply because I was strong enough
ironically in part because of you
but I think with those higher standards
that could have been set by either one of us
the anger of you not fulfilling that
is your fault.

The life you lead is your choice.
Mine is mine.

This life in this time
is so painful
not to say
everything has been easy
but at least I know where I came from
I dream of things long forgotten
of lessons still needing to be learned
but happiness never being one of them
how contemplative it makes me
to discover hidden messages
everything that was lacking
in all my previous lives
now present in my current one
but sacrificing all the simplicities
having none of it be my own doing
instinctively I long for
such contentment
being only because
I know where I have stood
what is yet to come
having to choose
not only my direction
but my intention
is simply terrifying
all I can do is practice
and learn to dream of the future
I have done it before
now I am armed
with everything
my existence forced me
to overcome.

Sunlight makes me sleepy
sometimes I can sit and wait
so patiently for someone with little time
I awaken with the sunset
letting the blackness surround
hearing nothing but the sound
of the emptiness so full
hardly noticed by most
but I am so thirsty
fill me up
of your whispers and secrets
being the only one who noticed
with all senses closed off
instinct and intuition
bleeding through
making way for me to find you
being made from dirt and stone
I bite my lip bursting with forgotten innocence
there is so much we hold
in skin and bones
blood seeping with heat
always so curious
to know how we confine
and hide inside
in plain sight
but no one ever knows.

This morning I woke up
The sun foreign to my eyes
Not wanting to fall into reality
Trying to sink back into
My deadly but sweet dreams.

I remember distinctly thinking
With a smile sneaking around
How grounded I am finally getting
How okay I am with just being
My moments are just that, mine.

For the first time in my life
Being alone doesn't feel lonely
There isn't someone that I need
I don't need someone I imagined either
I enjoy the quiet now, instead of being terrified.

I used to always try to make myself busy
Distractions from the noises in my head
Drive at full speed
Volume all the way up
Can't stop, keep going.

Ever moving, ever changing, ever loving.
But live for the moments
That hit your heart
In slow motion.
<3

Standing my ground
While the winds flow right through me
Enveloped by the night
The cold no longer bothers me
I seek it out willingly

As I lean back
To sleep for eternity.

trying to quiet the whispers in my mind
cannot distinguish them from the night
if I said I was happy I would be lying
you want me to try hard, but I'm hardly trying
so many pieces of me scattered I have lost sight
you will find me wherever the dark lies

I am no longer what you think of as okay, just ask the sharp blade
the path you laid out for me I have long since strayed
digging myself deeper, all that is me will now fade
the pain only growing stronger, knowing who I have betrayed
knowing you don't know me, but the person I portray
it was all a big mistake, but I know you are afraid and I can't blame you

I'm driving myself crazy with all my hollow tendencies
trying to bury my rage, but I am just endlessly pretending
time is running out, leaving me restlessly pacing
counting down the minutes, I should die eventually  
that's what I find myself hoping for, it should make you smile especially
it doesn't matter, I never amounted to what you wanted me to be

you were always saying how that was all you wanted.
not to worry, when I go I will stay long gone.
whether I'm alive or dead you will forever be haunted.
and you have to live with what you did every waking dawn.
save for the nightmares, without you my life has been better than I had ever imagined.
without me you cry every time you hear that song.

falling asleep is a constant battle
I lose myself so strongly in remembering
that I forget to take a step back
the walls I've built are now a castle
the air so fresh I can finally breathe
my peace and serenity are a matter of fact

I no longer have the energy
you have taken it from me
to lift my fingers
to motivate the string
of words that used to flow so easy

I have cried myself dry
I no longer see why
I should keep believing.

Our story only ever being always unfinished
Knowing what I have longed for is right around the corner
Never having the courage to lift the veil
Of what I have always thought to be...

In my wildest and most vivid dreams
this was what I wanted
I craved and ached for the thought
that maybe one day
you might come back
realizing the obvious truth
of wanting me back
because despite all my imperfections
you are aware of the potential inside
and there is nobody capable
of being quite like me
it took me the longest time
to actually believe just that
but all on my own
all by myself
I did just that.

Clumsily staggering blindly
unconsciously for so much time
I came to.

In shock with part of me still angry
becoming fully aware of all I was repressing
instead of progressing
eventually the choice weighed me down
trying to accommodate the idea
of my dreams melting into reality
but feeling my enclosed emotions
with the chance of sharing secrets
and surprisingly harboring intense changes
within myself I saw the light
my whole life what I thought of as the classic fairytale
has turned into the best thing I never thought possible
I am my own prince charming
and as a result
I finally know it's too late.

You will always be perhaps the most important person in my life.
But I believe our time has passed.

Having been both there and done that
it's my time to move on.

I'm not the answer to your questions.
Stop asking.

Let us be
not as one
but as each other.

Literally surrounded by the light
seeing sparks inside and out
on this little patch of grass
conspiring to let this happiness take us all

If I didn't know it then
I know now what I have avoided
the truth circles back to you
without even having to try

The four elements collide
keeping no secrets from this circle
witness the beauty in symmetry
only for the best reasons are we these people.

What is left to consider
Where you think I'm resisting
I'm testing the resilience
You don't have to drag anything out
It's all there directly under the surface
All you have to do is swim.

Something isn't right here
if I squint my eyes and
take a deep breath
it's almost like I could just forget
that this whole time has been spent
aching for you
but it never was you really
how the hell could it be
just an idea
and I made it such a good one
which is why I always kept trying

Something doesn't smell right
I smell getting used to
never really trying
because you know I'm always around
My love for you was Somewhere Bound
I guess it just got lost in translation
that is how you got yourself
so **** ingrained
into my soul
I had always wanted a sister
but that requires talking, ever

Honestly I'm sorry
you never got to know me
and in the end
it's all on you.

Looking out at all the choices that lay before me
Watching me with quiet eyes, they appear so peaceful
Knowing the moment I step forward that will all change
What once was picture perfect, now a mess of infinite crossroads
Difficulty lies in getting past my muddled thoughts, everything they are I can truly see
If I make the wrong choice it would be so easy to implode.