I can no longer hide
the desire you inspire
the symphony of epiphanies
the lullabies of butterflies...

even though my life before was tragic
every little thing you do is magic
my feet can hardly touch the ground
to cheesy rhymes and 80's lyrics it seems I am bound

because of you I am focusing on the brighter side
no longer holding onto all the moments I've cried
over all that is forever damaged and lost
but I intend to hold onto you at any cost.

Sleep all day and I'm tired when I wake up
Juggling the same thoughts that are longing to be forgotten
My tendencies focus on
the negative
the useless
an equation led by conditioning no doubt
resulting in thinking I'm less than nothing
when I know I have so much to offer
but a life dragged on by sadness
is all I've ever known.

With so much hate and fear
puzzling the pieces of me
when I thought there was nothing left
but a stubborn tough front
to my dismay I have discovered
there are reasons
waiting to be understood
for the way I am.

I just wish I knew what I was waiting for...

flashbacks make me nervous
not daring to go further
knowing what is underneath the surface
lurking right around the corner

terrified of what my mind holds
about the secrets that I keep
about what thoughts could unfold
when my soul falls deeply into sleep

I am running out of distractions
finding the only way
to not feel insane
is to walk barefoot in the rain

circles of obsession
always coming back to you
so many nightmares in succession
what has my world come to?

we never were in love
how could we have been, really?
with no trust, respect or security
full of lust, but lacking peace or understanding

with all of everything that happened
just like a tornado
destroying everything in its path
and left with no where to go

I feel I should know better
most certainly by now
but something still keeps creeping up
those circles going around...

I wish I knew just what it was
that keeps on coming back
when there was nothing good you brought
your heart nothing but black

part of me will never be able to forget
not without lack of trying
you will always have that piece of me
that seems to be frozen in time

it is all I can do not to wake up screaming
have only ever been blinded by tears
telling myself nothing is what it seems
but still faced with the sheer fear of searing pain

I am careful with my movements
as to not rock the boat
as if I am still on water
as if I am still filled with hope

I would have never been able
to see things the way they are now
but at least I am finally stable
I always find a way somehow.

Deeply taking in my surroundings
glancing at the shine of the night's light
soaked with invigoration
breathless anticipation
as I tiptoe with bare feet
following the clues
leading me to...

I actually danced tonight
like nobody was watching
because that is where I am
in the shadows, kept secret.

But I am my own and I prefer it that way
I feel lighter now that I know the truth
I choose now not to look back
for if I slow down I just might drown.

To my future
All I see
Is empty

Blank space

Quiet sighs
Of disappointment

All I've ever felt the need for is guidance
Not able to shoulder my burden on my own
Not knowing the right questions to ask
Never having a hand to hold

Most people fear what I feel surrounding
The dark and the silent I dance in
To drift would be so easy
Yet it would break everything I have built

I have the courage but lack the design
Of a mind for cleanliness
Could never leave another to my mess
So here. I am.

Yet how do I be...

surrounded
enveloped
covered by you
always around
but wanting more
my passion has come back
you are my only inspiration
lying in wait
in the background
so patiently
I could never have asked for something so close to perfection
not knowing what I would do without you
now I have the reason
the motivation
the trust
the fire
it's all back
what I prided myself on
for being such the Virgo
the will to endlessly serve
to create
to love
is now engrained in my DNA
and is here to ******* stay.
<3

I think about it
but I can't move
I try to cry
but it's still too soon
the music has fallen flat
there are just too many things
I still can't get past
the room is spinning
I'm terrified to find
the only cure
will be escaping myself
but I can't be sure
you took everything
the start of the spark
that began in a pure place
deeply hidden from my heart
you kept taking
lying, demanding and stealing
it all kept adding up
to this horrible feeling
you kept pushing
so you came to understand
all that was left of me
was my blood on your hands
you changed all of the good times around
forced me to face your darkness
burning the love that remained
scarring the pain to my skin.

Because of you I trust no one.

Your soul is like no other
when I let your fingertips wash over me in so many colors
it electrifies my insides and I taste daffodils on the cold air
you have taken control of my dreams
I have never been so willing to submit
pull me down, I'm under your spell
take me with your cosmic kisses
aware of more senses than I've known
the way things normally happen forgotten
your timing is impeccable
this connection makes my world hover
my breath, my heartbeat, my mind
continually pulsing always in tune
with each other, the universe
with nature and old magick
nebulous with passion...
Jeg kan aldri la deg gå.

Some things you just *know.

Fingers are shaking
Lips are bit
I stare at my feet barely registering
the fact that anything else is happening
waiting is always the worst part.

Trying to convince my mind
that everything will be just fine
completely on the verge
of being gone.

Preparing myself
in every way
besides actually being prepared
for things
that happen
in life.

Finally the light shines down on me
I smooth out my shirt
take those first few steps
take a deep breath...

At that moment
when I come around to thinking
I can do this, it's not so bad...

I figure out
I didn't practice my lines
I don't even know what show I'm
supposed to be in.

These people expect something
There they wait, quiet, staring
some start laughing at my silence
because everyone should know what they are doing.

Ever so slowly...
Starting to feel like myself again
It seems the smallest things
can make me smile
Let me sink
into my skin
All the anxiety
Won't let it get to me
In the end it's not my style
No longer longing
Only belonging
in this moment
Mine.

Things play back in my head a whole lot
whether or not I give them permission to
I try and shut the blinds close my eyes
but they keep on poking through
this time around it's not as scary
just groundbreaking and unsettling
you are alien to me because you are healthy
a change for me I can't see happening
what truth lies before me
is past continually unraveling
I have been ruined by others
emotionally sore rotten to the core
waiting for
something to push me forward
I was always aware of the lessons
that I needed to go through
but slower than I ever handled
because I realized no one else was worth it
but you...
my shell had grown hard
always accustomed to defense
built tiny fences growing tall
protecting myself from it all
enjoying solitude until made to feel small
useless worthless pointless ruthless
I have let my dear fear hold me back from
basically everything
white-knuckled, foam-at-the-mouth
to my bad habits, I cling
but still the universe aligned
with what stirred in the back of my mind
you were right about taking this time
but I can't live this way, not anymore
I have no idea who this is turning me into
but that is not really the point.

if I had only known then
what I seem to know now
but I kept spinning around
in stupid circles
you would think I knew better
and maybe I did
still trying to find
the motivation
the drive
I'm clueless as to why
I must like pain more than I realize
down
I keep spiraling down
but the dark doesn't hurt
as much as it used to
I don't cry about things anymore
I'm empty
firing blanks
my reflection is a stranger
glancing for too long
it becomes broken and ******
there is no turning back
can't even pretend to
even if I wanted to
my self is abandoned
and this new shell has replaced
everything I thought I knew
I guess they were just lies
no solid ground to stand on
how am I still alive
when I finally find something to believe
then I turn the corner
and like a slap in the face
sometimes an actual punch
telling me every single thing I have learned
is wrong
is chaos
when all you have is yourself
but your self
is gone
taking things at face value
is a trait I now have lost
nothing is what it seems
simplicity is fallacy
as much as my heart pounds for it
it will never be
so all I have
are those moments
just those small moments
in time
flashes of light
soft skin
sleepy smiles
glances of appreciation
fingers running through my hair
toes in the sand
fuzzy blankets
breeze that brings lavender
creaky stairs
candlelight
twinkling stars
but I can never relax
I am never safe.

the lace feels like a waterfall
as it moves across my skin
I dig my fingers into the edge
hoping for something to grip onto
but I just keep sinking

I start to lose feeling in my toes
but I keep moving deeper
not caring one bit
about the biting cold
that I have long since grown used to

needing to be surrounded
by something other than emptiness
I shut out the endless quiet
with the pounding of my heart
and I lift up and let go

I can barely breathe
the passion is dripping
past my defenses
I wish I could tell you

it has never left.

Even though you did
not once but twice
and picked up the pieces
walked over the stones

in your path that we kept.

You made something new
to be honest I'm jealous of you
I wish I could distance
myself and my heart

but I've still only wept.

Yet I hope for the best
I crave that you say
words that need to be said
take the lead,

for my love has never left.

I write them
I look back
Scattered pieces across every single one of them
There you are
In my thoughts left unexpressed
In all words better left unsaid
Still not sure how this could happen
Not only once but all over again
And yet I rewind myself daily
To remember
That the next time
Love stumbles my way
To close my eyes
Dive in head first
As if I never have before.

A smile kisses my lips
as the darkness disappears
another endless night has faded
hours lost with lack of sleep
I tremble with anticipation
as my heart burns with inspiration
of so many others that have come before me
my skin humming with the beautiful notion
of their passion and devotion
my blood set ablaze
something is awakening within me
so far inside I had feared it was almost forgotten
but the dawn of each new day keeps trying to explain
all the many reasons I am here in the now
if you were to catch me in this fleeting quiet
there is nothing I would hide
I would bare all that lay inside
if you were to pay attention
this moment holds perfection
with its entirety of the unique
perched atop my hidden corner of my world
seeing nothing but knowing all
praying with the aching desire
to only keep getting higher and higher
to climb with worn hands
the rocky mountainside
to dance with bare feet
in the frisky river waters
with my days of sobbing on the bathroom floor
far enough behind me only to see a faint outline
tracing with my fingertips of aftershock
the bits of ridicule and criticism popping up
just as quickly fading to black
and instead of being riddled with tiny little holes
stealing that pain
making a statement
taking a stand
I notice all that has made and kept me strong
for so very long kept in the background
my heartbeats pounds with the bass boom boom
all of a sudden the syncopation hits the room
the terror comes in waves so strong
shivers send electric static currents up my spine
as if for one split second
not one atom around me is the same
almost dreamlike comes the realization
that I have always been
painting, writing, sculpting, singing, building

my very own reality........

The harder I think
the quicker it all becomes a blur
words and movement and constant emotion
to what end?
Where do we really end up
at the finish line?
Who actually holds us accountable
does anyone have a list?
Are any one of us continually
living with intention anymore?
Or do we miss the point?

I express myself until the blood comes out
with everything from writing to dance
any form of art is my kind of sunshine
the air I breathe
to keep me alive
anything to survive
in the most fulfilling way I know how.

How much longer
can the rest of you
continue your lies?

My life I lead is barely sustainable
in my immediate surroundings
what makes me happy is frowned upon
how can I survive
unless I am completely miserable
when everything I see around me
pure and good intention
rapidly becoming irrelevant
killing what should be cherished
murdering that which should be worshipped
there are places that literally
can't even begin to handle
the messed up things
that are done on purpose
every ******* day
people have died, the earth has changed
visibly being destroyed
yet still we press on
convinced that what we are doing is...
WHAT?
is the reasoning behind this even clear?
Intelligent minds
find our way around
these miscalculated and
extremely ignorant challenges
but somehow a way is always found
to continue these harming damning patterns.

I will not die happy unless I can make an honest significant difference.
Even if it only one person or perhaps a small group.
My mind will not be able to shut up,
not after everything I have seen.

Please help me.
Let us change.

Memories on Memorial day
can't take those away
although I wish I really could
all this time you had me fooled

Letting you lead the way
all you had to do was say
from the very fresh start
that you didn't have a heart

All those hippos in those crates
some might say that this was fate
you should really let them out
but I knew you wouldn't amount...

...to much.

I live in the past
romanticizing the ways
when people hurt
and inevitably
left
I thought I understood
I thought it was just a matter of time
missing them terribly
but somehow never
asking myself why

I found some old forgotten pictures
of myself in moments previously
entirely lost and hard to hold onto
sneaky smiles
optimism or hope
some pain as if
asking my future self
to stop before it was too late
(spoiler I didn't)

then I caught one
where my most honest form
shone through everything else
yes I wasted time
indeed I made mistakes
but how have I gone this long
without knowing
I am in fact worthy
I belong here
I am good

Moments like these
it really hits home
I am loved
but completely alone.

I know I should feel lucky
I have a roof above me
but since the day you went away
just haven't felt enough to be happy.

It's interesting to think about
that I no longer have any doubt
if I wanted to be without
life or feeling or that pesky thing breathing

In this moment I would have peace.

It would take at least all night for someone else to go through any pain because of me.

I could be free.

But yet here I am.

Stuck in this middle ground
With senses never heard about
Not knowing how to express
All that needs to be said
Being guided by an emptiness
Like I'm the ******* walking dead
People seem to like me
Without knowing what's behind my eyes
But things aren't fine, how can they be
I don't know why I am this shy
I can't fake it anymore
I've had enough, who is taking score
Doesn't matter, I've likely lost
This happy feeling I once sought.

The devil is in my details.
I used to always speak too soon
for everyone I thought I knew
giving the benefit of the doubt
for those that had no good inside or out.

Such a liar was my father
so lonely he forgot I was his daughter
breaking down the foundation
I told myself could never happen
starting the long lasting vendetta
against my own blood.

My mother's next marriage
was no more comfortable
making me ask the hard questions
at not yet a preteen
for her.

Still I tried to believe,
see people as the best versions they could be
but the ones I knew never lived up to it.
But I wouldn't give up.
Until...

My relationships with boys
were never easy
verbal abuse turned into physical blows
that I still wake up screaming from those nightmares
and people ask me now why I am...

I don't communicate well.
I use poems, lyrics, rhythm, and pictures
to say what my heart knows.
I've always felt wrong.
A life of disapproving looks, I just hide behind books.

I'm trouble, but I thought you knew.
I'm full of messy surprises.
I'm broken inside.
But you gave that up,
so I give up on you.

I can't cry like I need to.
Something is begging to be let out,
but I can't identify it.
I can't write about it.
I can't help myself knowing what this will all come to anyway.
Self fulfilling prophecy seeking
not even knowing what that means.
Wishing to startle and scare those
aching for a difference
just to get a reaction
not caring one bit if I come off as mean or
spiteful or
vindictive.
I welcome the beauty of the negative.
The truth has been in the back of my thoughts.
It doesn't want to come out.
It smiles at my pain.
I try to cause more to compete.
I always have to fight
combat
even if it's just with myself.
Wanting those that love me most
to look at me with disgust
asking why I would even bother
that feels like my true self right now.
I have never allowed myself to explode fully.
Kneading at the need for release.
Clawing at the corners of my existence.
Swaying back and forth repeating nonsense.
None of this makes any sense.
What am I?
Scribbles and scratches of what once was.
I mourn with no feeling.
I go through the daily motions like I should.
With fog in my eyes and ice in my heart.
I watch as I know what should be my path.
Recognizing the signs, choosing not to turn.
I keep walking on the wrong side of the tracks.
I don't ever intend to look back.
I have outgrown and grown old.
The me in this outcome has no substance.
But something is rising.
Over it, I have no control.
I will be let known when the time comes.
For that I can actually feel one thing
Terrified.
I crave to be alone if I so choose.
But to be left alone I just can't stand.
Dying to be bound and left under water.
I don't think I can handle my thoughts any longer.

Love is love.
Yet I love it.
After all this time it still drives me.
I don't need it, like air
I can observe it from over there
Go on with my day, like any other.
But I seek it and want it and
see fire when I fall

I've been beaten, ******, and blue
But I won't believe that it's true
That it's no big deal
That I'm making it into something it's not