I analyze,                                                         ­           my whole entire world
I specialize,                                                      ­            always in acting a fool
I socialize,                                                       ­ but the truth trickles through
I vocalize,                                                        ­                 not wanting to undo
I internalize,                                                     ­     everything that matters to
With surprise                                                         ­                   the ones I love
I realize,                                                         ­          they never left my side
Then I visualize.                                             Always believing what is right.

Things are winding down now,
I can see it clearly
I never meant to be like this
It's not who I am, not really.
You told me so many things
That I now see as lies,
But when I try to tell you
You just desensitize.
I'm somehow really good at
Messing everything up,
But I always try to be a good person
Even though I should just shut up.

Thick, hot carelessness
The air ripped from my chest
Sticky with disappointment
This is only for the best
As you gracefully gloss over
My lingering words which only ever
Try to hold such meaning
Seemingly to myself
This ongoing drought
Void of all emotion
I have little doubt
Of comprehending notions
With heart in hand I walk away
Painfully forcing every step
I don't look back because I know
This is only for the best.

lost
confused
stumbling
corrupt
carving myself out raw
with my ***** fingernails
hurt
betrayed
no trust
no respect
for anyone
no one bothers to try to earn mine
hiding
constantly running
with no end
no plan
no ideas
no thoughts
in sight
gotta be quick
gotta keep those secrets
let anything slip
slow down for just a moment
then they pounce
they punch
pushing and crushing
what you have
what you are
it doesn't matter
how hard you try
to cross that bridge
that has been there for so long
its broken
has no bottom
barely connected
to the other side
you can see straight down
straight to nothing
if they find you
if they see even a glimpse
of what you have become
it won't matter
all that matters
is that they want it for themselves
they will grab you
hold you down
make it so you can't be in your mind
you have to leave yourself
so you don't think about
how you can't feel your arms, your legs
when you try to feel all that's left is pain
that makes you blind
so all you see is
straight to nothing
chaos
destruction
screaming
the whisper of death
ringing in your ears
****** knives
scratchy ropes
squeezing tighter, tighter
air is life
but with control
so easily taken away
with power
decisions whether to live or die
cracked
dusty
broken
crawling
for so long
****** knees
but with not even a breeze
of air to breathe
to blow away
all I wish I could forget
all that's left are ashes

As I lie in wait
bubbling over
tipping the scales
I'm ready
but for what I have no clue.

You took the part of me
that would have been so easy
to go with the flow
and it would have been the best
but you just didn't care to know.

You climb so high up
but I know you are scared
you went too far
and can't find your way back down
lucky I'm not around to fall with you.

I'm sure in your mind
the blame is put upon myself
you have been so blind
to the weight that you are carrying
that it falls on everyone around you.

I spent my time grieving your demise
you are as living as the dead
not sure how else to put it
even if part of it was up to me
I all but failed to bring you back.

That was never my responsibility
being so broken I crumbled before your eyes
needing the help you never could provide
I couldn't realize, that behind your smokey glare...

You just
weren't
there.

My heartbeat is dim
simmering in ancient expectations
entirely uncertain about the choices
that choose to be still and submit
exposing their many details
letting show their opinions
which could be my thoughts simply reflected
turning me into submission
leading into frenzy.

I know not what it is I pray for
having so much conflict even then
rocking back and forth with my eyes closed
begging to withhold any and every tear
it won't get me anywhere
it doesn't change anything
yet I know there is no other answer.

It has become mildly insane
just how accentuated the whole of you has become
from hours, days, even weeks of not talking
makes no difference
we still connect
not seeing but somehow knowing all.

I have begun to dream again
actually dream not drown in nightmares
with the subject being the same
I can't explain how very strange it has all been.

Of course I don't have many answers
but with intuition and my hope
being singled out and made clear
knowing everything I can choose
it all comes down to you.

From that very first night
after sliding down the hillside
fingertips sliding up my thigh
spinning colors and little sighs
the realization that I hadn't been alright
we knew something
no apparent reason why
but that it was there
something drew and pulled us in
hook, line, sinker and we were finished.

I want to pick up where we left off.
We have the capability to achieve
beyond what our thoughts could comprehend.
My fear subsides, washed away with the tide, and here I am.
Fully ready to dive in.

Constantly erased from my mind
you seem to finally be gone
then I'll turn a corner
and you'll be there
your favorite color
the way you smell
there are endless amounts of simplicities that bring back the memory of you...

I won't remember my dreams for a couple weeks
then I wake up in the middle of the night remembering your touch
always in love with only ever the idea of you...

wondering if we will ever be in the same place in life at the same time
wishing I could see past your muddy waters
hoping for the day you yearn to understand me
there are no limits to the amount of time I would spend waiting for you...

I have long since realized the desire has been dead
but still that sparkle lights up my eyes...
perhaps one day.

When the sun goes down, and night starts to fall
all of my happy splattered on the wall
my insides twisted, not being sure what to call
the disdain imprinted not only on my face
but the monsters now pretending to be me.

Or me pretending that I'm not a monster.

Turning over reaching out
the moans slowly fade
with the realization
that beside her lay
nothing but air
she takes that in deeply
and with a smile goes on

Waking up
rubbing the sleep from her eyes
to her instinctive surprise
she can't find her glasses
laughing it off
knowing she doesn't need them
she gets up anyway

Still slightly half asleep
and images not as clear as they are usually
she stumbles into the bathroom
where she regularly brushes her teeth
not being able to find the toothpaste
she laughs it off
she must have simply forgotten to get more
after running out
seeing this as nothing
to make a bad morning over

Tiptoeing to the kitchen
in the cold, she hugs herself
blinking in the bright light
not quite ready to face it all
her muscle memory kicks in
automatically she reaches for the
coffee maker, and finds it has disappeared.
sighing she finds contentment
in heating up a leftover cup from the fridge.

This being the third thing,
and maybe partly the caffeine
she starts to become flustered
her mind starts trailing off into
different scenarios of what could be taking place
she tries her best to examine her surroundings
maybe she is in the wrong house
she goes to the front door
to check for an apocalypse
and finds joggers, then children playing down the street
making sounds of frustration she closes herself off to the world
she walks back through the house trying to see
a sense of entitlement washes over her
this is what she deserves,
what she has set in motion for herself
the questions are endless and her bad mood tide is rising
she wishes to call
the lover she lives with
but quickly discovers her phone to be misplaced

Running her fingers through her hair
the location of her brush is now unknown
her heartbeat beating faster
right when she can't calm herself down
the front door opens again
her love walks in
the sight of him holding
what seem to be the shape of two coffees
makes breathing better
she doesn't have to say anything
her face questions all
he quickly apologizes for not being there
when she awoke
he had to act quickly
handing her the coffee
her fingers rapidly warm with contentment

she asks about her glasses
he places something in her hands
saying he knocked them down which broke them
hence why he left, to fix them
putting them on she looks around
everything is safe and sound.

I miss you like the honeydew
forever staring back at you
dribbling over fingertips
letting just one moment slip
into a smile, quietly kept.

You try to act all tough with pride
Yet what you are is dead inside
These little things they shouldn't matter
But they will leave you bruised and battered
Smelling the threat that leaves you strained
All the while messing with your brain
Telling you a million lies
Making you wish you could still cry
Blaming the world and not yourself
Leaving your worries on a shelf
The secret is it's all your fault
Never thought you would get caught
Your insignificance, fear of rejection
Then you stop to look at your reflection.
You are what I am.
I am what you are.
We are one and the same.
You can't run that far.

The timing seemed so perfect
To find someone like you was a dream
I made wishes on stars and dandelions
My passion inspired by all things on your mind
The freedom I felt was something I never had before
There was no denying the connection
That was literally not of this world.

Then, like the flick of a switch, it all faded away.
It isn't easy for me to be that way, but I tried.
You are worth it, but I guess I'm not good enough.
I call *******.
Dreams happen for a reason.
But life goes on.