I find myself too often
complaining on the daily
about the broken world in which we live
where violence is easy

The other day I caught myself
in a moment of being happy
feeling lucky about
being able to trust again

I find freedom in reliance
in the mutual agreement
to cherish someone to the fullest
I found our sacred place

The string that connects us
even over distance
the ease in which it all fell into place
was honestly magnificent

Sometimes it hurts when I can't describe
how vast my love for you really is
so deep and sweet and beautifully natural
like dark chocolate and violins

I'm discovering myself
while talking to you every day
but as I start to feel brand new
stretching and fluttering my wings
I keep hitting that crash landing

These are my dreams
You are making them come true
and sometimes I still can't believe
that I am one for you too

Love is love.
Yet I love it.
After all this time it still drives me.
I don't need it, like air
I can observe it from over there
Go on with my day, like any other.
But I seek it and want it and
see fire when I fall

I've been beaten, ******, and blue
But I won't believe that it's true
That it's no big deal
That I'm making it into something it's not

Shadows cast upon me in the moonlight
The cold is friendly and chills me to the bone
Adventure is always calling me
But I will stay right here

I actually danced tonight
like nobody was watching
because that is where I am
in the shadows, kept secret.

But I am my own and I prefer it that way
I feel lighter now that I know the truth
I choose now not to look back
for if I slow down I just might drown.

I am lonely.
Solitary, confined, empty.
Alive, warm, home.
I am lucky.
This I know.

But this endless middle ground
habitual uncertainty
all I want is to be found
will he or won't he
and I sink beneath the ground
sickening to say the least
somewhere inside I have a voice
but not one soul is around
no one left to ask me.

Once again I'm drawn within
I see with blurry eyes
their plane crashed and I die inside
for a love I have never known
and maybe never will.

I observe as he gets mad
not knowing what to say
it makes me laugh because I know
he loves her every day
as time passes they will grow
while being side by side
and I am left just by myself
swimming against the tide.

There was a time their life was threatened
and they could have lost it all
but now it seems she's lost to us
so our hearts will take the fall.
The love they share is like no other
holding onto what is real
I dream about it on the daily
pink and blue is what I feel.

My mind hangs on by a thread.
As each day comes to an end.
Going over what was said.
People care, but aren't aware.
Avoid and swerve, as if I care,
I'm reaching out, but nothing's there.

I live in the past
romanticizing the ways
when people hurt
and inevitably
left
I thought I understood
I thought it was just a matter of time
missing them terribly
but somehow never
asking myself why

I found some old forgotten pictures
of myself in moments previously
entirely lost and hard to hold onto
sneaky smiles
optimism or hope
some pain as if
asking my future self
to stop before it was too late
(spoiler I didn't)

then I caught one
where my most honest form
shone through everything else
yes I wasted time
indeed I made mistakes
but how have I gone this long
without knowing
I am in fact worthy
I belong here
I am good

The moonlight is somehow pink
but only in the air around me
somehow I wish you were still here
even though I know there is far
too much that will never be said
no matter how badly I want to

Everybody hurts me when they leave
and in the end, they all do
but so far none has left me hollow
quite the way it did when I walked away
and still, it feels like being ripped apart
from something I've realized I never knew

The balance has shifted and fallen
my potential left untouched
what I need is ignored
what I have to give
being slowly forgotten
who will find me?

or shall I simply disappear?

I write them
I look back
Scattered pieces across every single one of them
There you are
In my thoughts left unexpressed
In all words better left unsaid
Still not sure how this could happen
Not only once but all over again
And yet I rewind myself daily
To remember
That the next time
Love stumbles my way
To close my eyes
Dive in head first
As if I never have before.

I no longer have the energy
you have taken it from me
to lift my fingers
to motivate the string
of words that used to flow so easy

I have cried myself dry
I no longer see why
I should keep believing.

The very first rule
has been broken
that you made
in the first place.

When waking up in the morning
is all that I can do sometimes
when breathing hurts so badly
when I know I cannot cry
because I will not stop.

My faith in being honest never wavers
no matter how many souls
lie to
cheat on
deceive
leave
prey on
abuse
ghost


In love I still believe
but I think you have finally convinced me.

You may feel backed in a corner
but I have no way out.

I see the difference
the path you now walk on
how important it is that you stay moving
you see all the small details
yet you fly right by me

I've been here
I'll be here

I don't even know what it is that I should do
but I know you
and I can do this.

What is left to consider
Where you think I'm resisting
I'm testing the resilience
You don't have to drag anything out
It's all there directly under the surface
All you have to do is swim.

There are so many reasons not to
might even be easier that way
but there is something stirring in me
deeper than I have ever let myself go

but do I say so

It is not
that I have no faith in people
that I won't be close to them
any of them

or that I think I can find it again
I just don't want to
my focus is elsewhere
life is about wherever that takes me

but then here you are
didn't even wish for this
and if you ever asked me...
...that is.

I didn't know nearly enough
of Things I Wish I Knew About You
But that wouldn't have stopped me from trying.

You've changed me.
I didn't even know what I was looking for
when I found you.

When you thought you were too much
I just think about all the time we had
I could have always had more

I don't know how, but you match me
made me smile when I forgot how to laugh
raised my standards when I was at my lowest
raising my spirits to see your shine

Lately I've been questioning everything
going through all of this blind
but I would never forgive myself

if I were to just let this fade away.

I may not know everything there is to know
Who says that I need to
I just know you set my soul on fire.

You started something
then you finished it
I have no regrets

I will always miss you.

Just a simple



I miss you



Would be nice.

I can barely breathe
the passion is dripping
past my defenses
I wish I could tell you

it has never left.

Even though you did
not once but twice
and picked up the pieces
walked over the stones

in your path that we kept.

You made something new
to be honest I'm jealous of you
I wish I could distance
myself and my heart

but I've still only wept.

Yet I hope for the best
I crave that you say
words that need to be said
take the lead,

for my love has never left.

Moments like these
it really hits home
I am loved
but completely alone.

I know I should feel lucky
I have a roof above me
but since the day you went away
just haven't felt enough to be happy.

It's interesting to think about
that I no longer have any doubt
if I wanted to be without
life or feeling or that pesky thing breathing

In this moment I would have peace.

It would take at least all night for someone else to go through any pain because of me.

I could be free.

But yet here I am.

Standing my ground
While the winds flow right through me
Enveloped by the night
The cold no longer bothers me
I seek it out willingly

As I lean back
To sleep for eternity.

To my future
All I see
Is empty

Blank space

Quiet sighs
Of disappointment

All I've ever felt the need for is guidance
Not able to shoulder my burden on my own
Not knowing the right questions to ask
Never having a hand to hold

Most people fear what I feel surrounding
The dark and the silent I dance in
To drift would be so easy
Yet it would break everything I have built

I have the courage but lack the design
Of a mind for cleanliness
Could never leave another to my mess
So here. I am.

Yet how do I be...

Ever so slowly...
Starting to feel like myself again
It seems the smallest things
can make me smile
Let me sink
into my skin
All the anxiety
Won't let it get to me
In the end it's not my style
No longer longing
Only belonging
in this moment
Mine.

Something isn't right here
if I squint my eyes and
take a deep breath
it's almost like I could just forget
that this whole time has been spent
aching for you
but it never was you really
how the hell could it be
just an idea
and I made it such a good one
which is why I always kept trying

Something doesn't smell right
I smell getting used to
never really trying
because you know I'm always around
My love for you was Somewhere Bound
I guess it just got lost in translation
that is how you got yourself
so **** ingrained
into my soul
I had always wanted a sister
but that requires talking, ever

Honestly I'm sorry
you never got to know me
and in the end
it's all on you.

I don't really have insomnia
I just live with regrets
even though I know I shouldn't
my time would be better spent

I sometimes dream of things
what it would be like if
we had never met

Or if those few moments
led to something different,
anything would be better
nothing about you to be drawn to

I know what I have learned
through my youth
wasted on you
there is just that one thing...

I've been driven insane
gnawing on the concept
willing to live through the horror again
just to be given the chance to change it

It has been said I'm where I need to be
but this has held me back
I can't even give myself sympathy
because I know I'm just pathetic

I need to shine my light again
but the panic settles in
between that and the sleepless nights
I can't say that I will be fine

I never thought I'd be condemned
by giving everything I am
ridiculed for what gave me strength
dampening the flames at long length

If I had known all it would take
I'd have stepped on your stones long ago
I bet you didn't expect that you'd help make
someone better than you'll ever know.

Remove
Recover
Resolve
Replace
Relocate
Relapse
Rebound
Recycle
R­ewind
Rewire
Relearn
Refund
Rekindle
Resound
Respond
Renegade
Rel­ax
Rinse
Repeat.

It always seems to be a linear thing
but the way it feels is so no longer
bubbling in discombobulated emotions
I could sit here forever
the truth would still be the same
I grew so timid of the normal
peeking through my fingers
at the thought of being seen
judgments and routine
getting the better of me
I now recognize
not what lay before me
but who I'll be
walking through time.

Things play back in my head a whole lot
whether or not I give them permission to
I try and shut the blinds close my eyes
but they keep on poking through
this time around it's not as scary
just groundbreaking and unsettling
you are alien to me because you are healthy
a change for me I can't see happening
what truth lies before me
is past continually unraveling
I have been ruined by others
emotionally sore rotten to the core
waiting for
something to push me forward
I was always aware of the lessons
that I needed to go through
but slower than I ever handled
because I realized no one else was worth it
but you...
my shell had grown hard
always accustomed to defense
built tiny fences growing tall
protecting myself from it all
enjoying solitude until made to feel small
useless worthless pointless ruthless
I have let my dear fear hold me back from
basically everything
white-knuckled, foam-at-the-mouth
to my bad habits, I cling
but still the universe aligned
with what stirred in the back of my mind
you were right about taking this time
but I can't live this way, not anymore
I have no idea who this is turning me into
but that is not really the point.

I can't cry like I need to.
Something is begging to be let out,
but I can't identify it.
I can't write about it.
I can't help myself knowing what this will all come to anyway.
Self fulfilling prophecy seeking
not even knowing what that means.
Wishing to startle and scare those
aching for a difference
just to get a reaction
not caring one bit if I come off as mean or
spiteful or
vindictive.
I welcome the beauty of the negative.
The truth has been in the back of my thoughts.
It doesn't want to come out.
It smiles at my pain.
I try to cause more to compete.
I always have to fight
combat
even if it's just with myself.
Wanting those that love me most
to look at me with disgust
asking why I would even bother
that feels like my true self right now.
I have never allowed myself to explode fully.
Kneading at the need for release.
Clawing at the corners of my existence.
Swaying back and forth repeating nonsense.
None of this makes any sense.
What am I?
Scribbles and scratches of what once was.
I mourn with no feeling.
I go through the daily motions like I should.
With fog in my eyes and ice in my heart.
I watch as I know what should be my path.
Recognizing the signs, choosing not to turn.
I keep walking on the wrong side of the tracks.
I don't ever intend to look back.
I have outgrown and grown old.
The me in this outcome has no substance.
But something is rising.
Over it, I have no control.
I will be let known when the time comes.
For that I can actually feel one thing
Terrified.
I crave to be alone if I so choose.
But to be left alone I just can't stand.
Dying to be bound and left under water.
I don't think I can handle my thoughts any longer.

I think about it
but I can't move
I try to cry
but it's still too soon
the music has fallen flat
there are just too many things
I still can't get past
the room is spinning
I'm terrified to find
the only cure
will be escaping myself
but I can't be sure
you took everything
the start of the spark
that began in a pure place
deeply hidden from my heart
you kept taking
lying, demanding and stealing
it all kept adding up
to this horrible feeling
you kept pushing
so you came to understand
all that was left of me
was my blood on your hands
you changed all of the good times around
forced me to face your darkness
burning the love that remained
scarring the pain to my skin.

Because of you I trust no one.