Turning over reaching out
the moans slowly fade
with the realization
that beside her lay
nothing but air
she takes that in deeply
and with a smile goes on

Waking up
rubbing the sleep from her eyes
to her instinctive surprise
she can't find her glasses
laughing it off
knowing she doesn't need them
she gets up anyway

Still slightly half asleep
and images not as clear as they are usually
she stumbles into the bathroom
where she regularly brushes her teeth
not being able to find the toothpaste
she laughs it off
she must have simply forgotten to get more
after running out
seeing this as nothing
to make a bad morning over

Tiptoeing to the kitchen
in the cold, she hugs herself
blinking in the bright light
not quite ready to face it all
her muscle memory kicks in
automatically she reaches for the
coffee maker, and finds it has disappeared.
sighing she finds contentment
in heating up a leftover cup from the fridge.

This being the third thing,
and maybe partly the caffeine
she starts to become flustered
her mind starts trailing off into
different scenarios of what could be taking place
she tries her best to examine her surroundings
maybe she is in the wrong house
she goes to the front door
to check for an apocalypse
and finds joggers, then children playing down the street
making sounds of frustration she closes herself off to the world
she walks back through the house trying to see
a sense of entitlement washes over her
this is what she deserves,
what she has set in motion for herself
the questions are endless and her bad mood tide is rising
she wishes to call
the lover she lives with
but quickly discovers her phone to be misplaced

Running her fingers through her hair
the location of her brush is now unknown
her heartbeat beating faster
right when she can't calm herself down
the front door opens again
her love walks in
the sight of him holding
what seem to be the shape of two coffees
makes breathing better
she doesn't have to say anything
her face questions all
he quickly apologizes for not being there
when she awoke
he had to act quickly
handing her the coffee
her fingers rapidly warm with contentment

she asks about her glasses
he places something in her hands
saying he knocked them down which broke them
hence why he left, to fix them
putting them on she looks around
everything is safe and sound.

Teasing moonbeams hiding
just in front of me
right out of reach
stretching fingertips
tasting the glow
though I will always know
I may never find my way.

As the streetlights flicker
my hope starts to stick to the pavement
I walk in a forever forward motion
one foot in front of the other
never sideways although
I can't say the same about
those I think I know.

By all means, when life hands you small potatoes
be a hypocrite and forget about the silver lining.

Wanting to run and never stop
Letting indirection lead me away
Having no goal was never so scary
As having someone to answer to
Why the hell do I care
Everywhere I look people are falling
In a failing system set up for disappointment
Not all who wander are lost
But we are losing

left to my own devices
taking not a **** word
of any good advice
my mind can get absurd

I think you scare me so intensely
because you flow so smooth
I can't think of you lightly
because you are all I have to lose

surprising me like no other can
the way I feel I just can't get a grasp
but I wish you would take a stand
for my patience never lasts

cautious to lay bare my thoughts
encumbered in my awkwardness
like molasses,* you thicken the plot
simply making this version of me the best.

Sometimes I still feel like that little girl
Who felt so alone on the top of the hill
Quiet as she watched his fury unfurl
As the snow fell not letting him ****
Himself to finally purge his sins
Thought he had the answers,
He could leave with pride
But with a kick start surprise
Her eyes are where this begins
Just a little sigh, the tiniest whimper
She cried "what about me?"
If she had killed you this might be easier
But love is love, and never that simple
It's bigger than us, so we have to make way
To the questions before us, every new dawning day.

I thought I knew once what I wanted
but then you went away
all I can do is keep moving, try my best
but confusion is all that's left

Why do you have be so enticing

as if no time has passed at all

almost like here I am to wait for you

it's not fair, but I'll ******* fall

Missing the daisies between my fingers
kissing the static that still lingers
happy and tortured of the unknown
terrified yet completely bold

No one can blame you

but my heart is all your fault

coming to life with a tick tick tick

the treats or trick will be soon found

That secret smile betrays its hiding place
twitching the corners of my lips
the back of my mind screams no sound
my patience drip, drip, drips...

You try to act all tough with pride
Yet what you are is dead inside
These little things they shouldn't matter
But they will leave you bruised and battered
Smelling the threat that leaves you strained
All the while messing with your brain
Telling you a million lies
Making you wish you could still cry
Blaming the world and not yourself
Leaving your worries on a shelf
The secret is it's all your fault
Never thought you would get caught
Your insignificance, fear of rejection
Then you stop to look at your reflection.
You are what I am.
I am what you are.
We are one and the same.
You can't run that far.

The timing seemed so perfect
To find someone like you was a dream
I made wishes on stars and dandelions
My passion inspired by all things on your mind
The freedom I felt was something I never had before
There was no denying the connection
That was literally not of this world.

Then, like the flick of a switch, it all faded away.
It isn't easy for me to be that way, but I tried.
You are worth it, but I guess I'm not good enough.
I call *******.
Dreams happen for a reason.
But life goes on.

As I gaze upon you, reading in the sun
The wind in your hair making me wish I could run my fingers through
Grab you closer, but I'm far away, too unseen
Wishing I could help you with everything that makes you...

There is no need to claim you, make you my own
Forever in the background, twisting my tongue
With words unspoken and one single tear
All I wish is to be in your atmosphere.

Oh the sorry questions
bombarding my brain
was all this real, perhaps a dream
or just some silly game?

Normally I let these things
go past me, slide on by
expressing air of nonchalance
but you have crept inside.

This could be something simple
again my thoughts, they run amuck
but this sarcophagus of silence is
a hearty bowl of what the ****.

Thick, hot carelessness
The air ripped from my chest
Sticky with disappointment
This is only for the best
As you gracefully gloss over
My lingering words which only ever
Try to hold such meaning
Seemingly to myself
This ongoing drought
Void of all emotion
I have little doubt
Of comprehending notions
With heart in hand I walk away
Painfully forcing every step
I don't look back because I know
This is only for the best.

I wish I didn't know you
but it hurts too much when I don't
forever lost in this paradox
you keep slipping and making me watch
because I could never help you
you are too far gone

circling the same questions in my mind
not being able to answer just how we got here
thinking about you makes me sick
especially knowing how much time I have spent
waiting, understanding, giving you chances
it should have killed me

I may have lost all reasoning as to why I exist.

breathe in
breathe out
others find the mundane in routine
I discover the freedom
the hidden frequencies
connecting my downward spiral
to the teeth that grind
feeling stupid as I shake my head
if only I had listened
but you should know
you can never be told
lessons can only be learned by experience
confined by the walls I created
when in reality my existence is limitless
I cannot contain my joy
so pure and light
smiles sneaking onto the corners of my lips
as if this happiness
were a secret, sometimes kept from myself
I now cherish
Everything
I
Am.

When the sun goes down, and night starts to fall
all of my happy splattered on the wall
my insides twisted, not being sure what to call
the disdain imprinted not only on my face
but the monsters now pretending to be me.

Or me pretending that I'm not a monster.

Your insistence pressing upon the dragging
Mustered false enthusiasm on both sides
Endless questioning expressions
Continually asking why
This prolonged sense of obligatory nonsense
Persists and carries such weight with importance
When none of it really matters

when all I want is
to be held by you.

slowly coming back to me
stagnant come the melodies
never smoothing my desire
always searching for...

Music and books will always be my oldest friends
Pretend worlds and the notes in between the spaces
The moments lingering, keeping me hanging by that thread
Which is the only reason I have...

As the world passes me by
I sit ever so still
Knowing that if I move
I could just crumble away

Becoming the eye of the storm
The wind and water beating my skin
I do not move
I am a rock
My heart is stone

That is how I should be
Not letting anything get to me
But with all the noise and distractions
Not a soul notices my tears in the rain.

My heartbeat is dim
simmering in ancient expectations
entirely uncertain about the choices
that choose to be still and submit
exposing their many details
letting show their opinions
which could be my thoughts simply reflected
turning me into submission
leading into frenzy.

I know not what it is I pray for
having so much conflict even then
rocking back and forth with my eyes closed
begging to withhold any and every tear
it won't get me anywhere
it doesn't change anything
yet I know there is no other answer.

It has become mildly insane
just how accentuated the whole of you has become
from hours, days, even weeks of not talking
makes no difference
we still connect
not seeing but somehow knowing all.

I have begun to dream again
actually dream not drown in nightmares
with the subject being the same
I can't explain how very strange it has all been.

Of course I don't have many answers
but with intuition and my hope
being singled out and made clear
knowing everything I can choose
it all comes down to you.

From that very first night
after sliding down the hillside
fingertips sliding up my thigh
spinning colors and little sighs
the realization that I hadn't been alright
we knew something
no apparent reason why
but that it was there
something drew and pulled us in
hook, line, sinker and we were finished.

I want to pick up where we left off.
We have the capability to achieve
beyond what our thoughts could comprehend.
My fear subsides, washed away with the tide, and here I am.
Fully ready to dive in.