its raining in my heart
I sit and let the drops of you
drip drip drop down
into my soul
fill me with your sadness
show me your pain
I wanna feel alive
I'm so sorry baby
for everything

summer rotted under my tongue
dissolved into autumn
I am ready READY!!
Ready for the decay
the rot
Leaves bleed and fall to their ends
barren trees, cold
still silence
The decomposition of Anna
Thank you , fall
Falling into winter
I will not freeze alone
when you freeze to death you feel warm at the very end

soft pink
daisy yellow
sky blue
lillypad green
cloud white

pills

my life
his life

filled with beautiful pastels
we even see them in our nightmares

I was so baked
Sautéed
The tv
Rick and morty
She looked at me

You're the morty to my rick
I giggled
Unfocused green-brown eyes

Ashley!! You're the rick to my morty!

Mortynotrick?
Ricknotmorty!

the pink in my cheeks
and the pink in my soul
has faded to blue

now the pills
are the only pink I see

and suddenly
it’s no longer my favorite color

I used to hear
Congratulations!
I’m so excited for you!
You have so much potential, I’m sure you’ll
Do.  Just.  Fine.

but they’re all quiet now
Because they realized they were wrong all along

there is a place
where lost hearts
can go
songs are sung
and we reminisce
the highs and the lows

there was a time
when my heart lived there
the sun never shined
and I never cared

when I found your eyes
I knew that we were saved
and after some time,
my heart left the cave

going away
to a place where
no one is home
sit on the windowsill
thinking about
times long ago
chains on my hands and feet
never free never happy
stuck in this prison of existence

when I see my mother's worried eyes
and I know that I let her down
I wish I could go back in time
and turn my life around

my life was
one of the many
candles
in a witch's lair
you snuffed out my steady flame
I am grey and quickly fading
drifting away even in still air
only a whisper of what I used to be

Before

You used to look at me with this goofy grin
**** em! You’d scream at the top of your lungs

We drove through the ice and rain
broken windshield wipers
Heads stuck out the windows
I have never laughed so hard

I looked at you
my best friend
The rick to my morty
The **** to my pipe

After

i don’t know what your smile looks like
Your words are strange and unfamiliar

You laid in the bed, blue eyes closed, entangled in tubes
Pink stuffed animal unicorn
Heads almost touching but not quite
I have never cried so hard

I no longer look at you
i don’t know
Stranger
Someone I used to know

that night

we screamed and laughed
we kissed and fought

we trudged through slush and snow
we huddled in a tiny concrete basement

you barely smoked
you wanted to leave

i smoked a lot
i told you to stay

you dropped me off
you said I love you

i said goodbye
i said I love you

if

i had known
that was the last time

i would shut that old blue car door
i would not have gotten out.

dusty white bars rule my life
i am a simple peasant
who was destined
to be a great and beautiful queen
to touch a rose bud and watch it bloom into
a red found only in the purest of hearts

a few months ago i saw some of my blood
oozing out of the imperfect forearm of a fallen royal

harsh lines of magical evil
talk to me as the days melt away
the screams are so loud now that

i live in the void
here there is nothing

i once had a crown
waiting for me
a glimpse of otherworldy sunshine

but tonight the sky is black
i am starting to think my blood is too
soon i will peel back my skin and see

Escape in a yellow pill
The tear in the dreadful never sleeping wallpaper
Rolling round and round behind the sticky wood

veins underneath your skin
dark purple life spidering out to the edges
soft green borders that meet perfectly
to form a teardrop
pink and yellow blooms across your face

hello friend

loving him was a new beginning
the happiness i longed for
the love i had always wanted
the highs i had never reached

losing touch with reality is bliss
but the sky slowly cracks with every
second you leave this earth

loving him taught me
how not to feel
and for a flicker of time in all of eternity

i thought i knew it all

but now my sky has fallen
waves of murky blue rage violently around me
and i reminise to when

i pretended the cracks weren't there
now i float on an endless sea

there are no cracks anymore
there is only nothing and me

my little fairy boy
wears dangly gold earrings
and has hooded blue eyes that peer into mine with curiosity and wonder

my little fairy boy
has a pink dress that smiles at everyone he passes
and nimble fingers that entertwine perfectly with mine

my little fairy boy
wears my heart on a chain around his neck
and has soft white wings that only I can see

maybe tonight he will carry me far, far away

i call them
friends
but if i was
a pill
they would swallow me
without a second thought

no
I will not
take pills
smoke ****
give my body away

yes
I will
take three
inhale a plastered smile
let him feel inside me

believe it or not,
my silence bleeds
a pool of almost purple.
it runs down my chin
drips onto the carpet.
you can follow the trail
spelling nothing, nothing
nothing.

the remote came crashing off my dresser
at the same time that my head bounced of the wall and landed in the fish tank

but it's okay because
this way no one will know I'm crying

i had to take off the pink jacket
to smoke my cigarette and as i
took off my safety net
i filled my lungs with what i knew
was a detriment to the length of my life
yet all
i could think about is
how long i wanted to live with you
how ironic

falling,
But slowly
Kindly
I see the faces I have loved
And lost

I hit the water
Slip soundly beneath
The old bridge
And the seaweed
Sings me a sad song

I look at her
And I worry
I have always been a sorry replacement
I hope this time
Things are different

white sticky substance
that takes you so high up

you can see everything from above
except how far you'll fall

that night at the building
i drank an entire bottle of strawberry ***
every drop burned my throat

it was disgusting

that night in the building
i took 14 oxycodone pills
it was hard to stand up

it was sad

that night in the building
i asked you why i wasn't enough
i asked you why you wanted her too

you told me you hadn't had *** with her
you saw what the pictures did to me
and after

you had *** with her

forgive and forget
not this time

my little fairy boy
is tired today
the blue in his hair is crying
and his pink dress is a little more tattered
than when he begun
but his head is clear
and his wings are strong

this time there is no maybe
he will carry me far, far away

Twenty five the angel will be
I remember when she’d just gotten her wings
The white hair cascading around
my sadness
Filling me with light

The Angel wanted to die but she gave me life
Isn’t it funny
A decade goes by and the wings became pink like a sunset on a November night . Fifteen to twenty five .oh my how high she has flown,
She offers her hand and I take it
we embrace above the clouds
Pink and orange and blue and colors no one else will ever be able to see .

dark rooms lead to
darker thoughts
i keep waiting for the sunrise
but it never comes

hi
my name is anna
and i am an addict

hello anna!

the lampshade crashed to the floor
along with my tears

“It’s better if you go” he says

there on the carpet along with
Plastic and Salt
Is my bleeding heart

in my backyard there is an old red chicken coop
the doors swing sluggishly and the hinges groan in the wind
inside, two homemade nesting boxes sit crudely  nailed to the wall
only the roost stands tall and proud, like the generations of roosters who stood on it in the days of my youth

i wonder when
things went wrong
i think it was when the forbidden fruit
slid down my throat
along with your sins

as i watched you unstrip
i saw for the first time
a body i wanted
lastly for lust
i could not get close enough
to you even if i were
inside you
i was inside you and
i wanted closer
i wanted to rip through
your skin and get
straight to your soul
i wanted our innermost beings
to be clashing with
each other in intimate
yet rough ways

i don't remember the day you decided to leave
the pills were pink
this is the only thing I know for sure

my friends
smoke cigarettes
constantly

they are looking for a stronger high
and that is all

but you

seemed to be looking for something else
and I think
you found it
when you met me

Lola walks much slower now than she used to
Her round spotted paws seem as if they are made of lead
she no longer bays her soul out
And she seems to eat much less

But her tongue is still posey pink
And her ears are still as soft as cotton
sometimes you can see her powerful nose snuffling around, weary of some wild animal's scent

And while she is long past her prime,
in her soulful eyes you can see that the love she has for the world has not and will not grow old

my mother
Has short brown hair that frizzes up in the heat
And warm brown eyes that inform
An eisteinian brain
She is beautiful
Inside and Out

my head feels
like a stomach of alcohol
bursting, sick, warm, dizzy
i can't steady
my train of thought
itisfallingoffthetracks
there's a fire in my head
and when I look in the mirror
there is blood running down my face from my eyes and
from my shorts
and suddenly my mind starts working again
remember? it whispers
yes i do

last night I saw you again for the first time
blonde hair

last time I saw you
unconscious in a hospital bed

I know you don't want me in your life now
but God
i wish you were still in mine

there is a magical man
who lives down the street
he has many names
and it would be rather unjust to refer to him by only one

somedays he sits in my brain and rearranges
it feels good to have my file cabinets emptied every
once in awhile

after he sits outside my window and watches and waits
for an invitation back in

the most peculiar thing is his appearance
he is lovely,
eyes of the darkest dead star
perfect white teeth behind blue lips

i couldn't help but wonder
what would become of a conversation with him
so i invited him to tea

since that day
we have come to know each other very well
his eyes are darker than they were before

probably because my light that shone upon them is dwindling
i am running out of time
i apologize, but it is time to see him again
and now my mind and i must go

my pillow still smells like smoke
it reminds me of those nights in my bed
your head between my legs
and paradise all around us

why am i always
so ******* tired

no matter how much i sleep

why do i scream at my mother
get out
when she only wants to give me her love

i am sick


and in my brain
there lives a dark and cunning monster
who has the prettiest face
i have ever seen

for some reason
i think this is why

do you want to waste some time
she asked

in a snow-white palm she held out
five pink pills

i smiled

never tell me
those bats and blue badges
have the right to judge
you say
his tattoos
his hair
his what?
skin
look around
we're tired of the
same old story
white cop black man
we can't ******* breathe
how much is a black man's soul worth?
he's twenty years old but
he's a drug addict
he's a gang member
he's black
look me in the eye
tell me it wouldn't be different if he was white
"he's so young he's only 20"
"he got caught up with the wrong people"
might as well say "he's white"

i am trying
to feel alive
but it is hard to get out of bed
my hair is getting greasy
and my stomach is growling

youneedtosleep

it whispers
I cannot help but agree

in chemistry
pure substances are not perfect
a silver coin is only .99999
but it still smiles with glossy shine
and there are no exceptions

in love
people are not perfect
but you are the only exception
your teeth are clean despite the cigarettes
and my heart is 1.0

she's back
pale sky eyes
hay bale hair

i love her

fat yellow hens are the best chickens
in the whole world
I had one once, and her name was Buffy
to this day, I know she was a drop of sun
Her only wish, to warm the hearts of those around her

I see you in the cracks of a sidewalk
Fighting to live and breathe
In a world of concrete

I see you in my car window
Half way down on the interstate
Blowing whooshing into my lungs

I see you in my reflection
Staring through eyes
That I don’t recognize anymore