in my dream the headlights have passed
taking grief whizzing by
winding me breathless into yellow
the warm kind, Gladys used to wear.
Overalls (dusty) asks me, smiling, sunny
how is our Jonny?
Oh he’s quite well I say.
But they already knew
Corn has yellow teeth and smiles
Bites, the grief teasing flesh, only hard
enough to draw a little blood.

Oh sister dearest,
Who art thou?
For I no longer recognize
The eyes
Once so green, now
Seething,
Echos of your own hell fire
With which you have allowed to consume you

Where did the green meadows go?
You loved animals, you wanted to be loved .
I miss you sister, sister

Sister dearest died in her sleep in 2012. Oh how
I miss her so.

Loving an addict is a cancer
It confuses your body
To attack yourself

Who is this and where did
That sun go
I swear I saw it ! Did I ?
You’re killing me because I
Am watching you-
Decompose

sometimes suicide
is screaming
I hate you
To the mirror
And carrying on with your day.

Wind rushes past glass
Tiny cuts I dream drops
Of scarlet
The faster I ran red
Red
Red

a haunted girl is a home
some still stay., the ones she loves
they dwell in the mist
she stays away from her beloved ghosts
she still loves , of course

summer rotted under my tongue
dissolved into autumn
I am ready READY!!
Ready for the decay
the rot
Leaves bleed and fall to their ends
barren trees, cold
still silence
The decomposition of Anna
Thank you , fall
Falling into winter
I will not freeze alone
when you freeze to death you feel warm at the very end

The plants have grown in front of the windows and I can no longer see out of them. I live in the basement. My air purifier is filthy and needs a new filter. There’s photons on the wall but I am no longer the person in them. I live in a basement and I feel like that says something about me as a person. I’m below them, I watch them but I am hidden. They don’t look down to see me. That is okay.

Worms for dinner ! Worms for lunch
Worms wriggle in my red fruit punch

who do you see in the mirror when it is dark ?
behind me lay the women, the girls the girl
I was
In various states of decay.

How long does it last?
the roses wilt and leave, lifeless.
I dry them, beg them, bottle them.
Forever in a heart shaped jar
Forever sits on my alter and gathers dust
Taunts me

I used to be alive.

Mouth open shove in the calories
As fast as I can chew it wipe my face
Guilt
Another chomp I have the biggest waist I have seen
Fat oozing over my pants too big now to even try to hide
Sitting over I feel the rolls I avoid you
But I stare again and again I

happiness eludes me like
a frightened rabbit run rabbit
Run
I leave out lettuce
Truce?
They eat at my table and leave

believe it or not,
my silence bleeds
a pool of almost purple.
it runs down my chin
drips onto the carpet.
you can follow the trail
spelling nothing, nothing
nothing.

these trees hang heavy hollow
if you’re small enough you
Might have a home

I stand and see
The time go by around me
It laughs until it cries
Never ending itself it
Spirals round and round
it blurs
Yellow pills go
Round and Round
someday I will run all the way to the top
Of the staircase
Fall like Alice did
See it all again
wonderland ?

you were in my dream last night
I think it was the little girl I saw yesterday,
she had your eyes

time dissolves on my tongue
bitter, the sweet will come later,
Darling.
How I ache and oh the surprise!
In the mirror
to see I have not yet
Rotted; Visibly.
short grey hairs whisper
hurry hurry hurry
hurry hurrY hurRY
hurrY hurRY huRRY
hurRY huRRY hURRY
huRRY hURRY HURRY
hURRY HURRY HURRY
HURRY HURRY HURRY

running and reaching and leaving
Behind

I find the locket I lost
It was at the bottom of the wash
Clean and serene and free of you

Sitting, seeping silently into sadness,
Solitude (how dear to this heart)

walking on and around broken glass
I gingerly avoid the shards of my heart
I’ve already bled enough, it smells like quarters
In my bedroom

As I drive the wriggling starts up again
Behind my eyes it crawls and laughs

falling,
But slowly
Kindly
I see the faces I have loved
And lost

I hit the water
Slip soundly beneath
The old bridge
And the seaweed
Sings me a sad song

The nothingness takes up so much room
It invades every crevice consuming the light
It starts small and grows grows growls into
You

Photo printed of geese and children
Framed in an aged brown and sat upon a shelf
***** with time and passed by
Finally
Picked up by a brown haired girl
Taken home to be hung on the wall
Home again

Seeing colors within the blackness
I wish it all to fade
The fire that covered my world in ash
Was black on my pink sweater and grey
Under my nails
And i wish the fire was in me
And not in my apartment
Where I had buried so very much
And hidden what truly mattered
And I wish the fire was in me , and I wish it was extinguished
Shut off the lights
Please it hurts my eyes

I lit the cables and I said goodbye
Woke up to the flames so hot the paint melted off my windowsill
I told you some but not never nearly enough
Of what you did to me
And how I loved you, my liar so
Oh how I ached and it ended in flames
And it ended in no real apology
And I’m grateful for that (if you know what I mean)
And it ended in silence
I poured water on the flames and
Those blue eyes , they’ll drown you one day.
When I hear the news
I do not  believe I will cry.

Twenty five the angel will be
I remember when she’d just gotten her wings
The white hair cascading around
my sadness
Filling me with light

The Angel wanted to die but she gave me life
Isn’t it funny
A decade goes by and the wings became pink like a sunset on a November night . Fifteen to twenty five .oh my how high she has flown,
She offers her hand and I take it
we embrace above the clouds
Pink and orange and blue and colors no one else will ever be able to see .

the lines in life they don’t mention
appear in strange ways
Driving the highway at night I swerve
Cross the line crush the line and blow it
Into my brain

Pink slippers with rose colored tights
First position
Second position
Third position
      Fourth position,
Fifth and. Sixth!
I loved the Nutcracker
I wanted to be a true Ballerina
  Stand on my toes and twirl
Faces swirl and I bow,
The curtain comes down as I take another
Pink pill.

Escape in a yellow pill
The tear in the dreadful never sleeping wallpaper
Rolling round and round behind the sticky wood

finding solace in solitude
I grow around myself,
swirling soundly around bones and sadness,
I sit in some sort of serenity.

voids are places we forget about
I get lost in my daydreams and stumble upon them
oh hello, old friend. Tell me,
how can you miss the absence of nothing?

Seeping into hot water
I bleed out colors I never
Could put a name to
Pour in the sugar and milk
Cloud the clarity
Of what you’d really see
At the bottom of your tea
Drink me, please

Tell me I taste
Like chamomile

The galaxy inside of me
Implodes the pain inside
Too heavy too much
At one time
folding into myself
Spinning out of control
My existence transcends
The end of billions of years
The unfathomable inside
Unthinkable , never to be understood
Winks out of the time
We see.

I tried to **** myself when I was 16
maybe 15 too, I really can’t remember
It’s like I knew what was coming
The calm before the ******* hell
The hands the mouths penises
The pills the **** the open wounds on my leg
The open wound in my chest
Ripcage open, blood flesh bone
Screaming
I heard it
I knew it was only a matter of time but
Why why why why WHY
was I too ******* scared
Too ******* scared of god and his little places and his little enemies friends or whatever
What did god ever do for me anyways?
He watched from afar
And if he was close
That’s even ******* worse .

I have decided there are 2

she never loved me like I thought she did
she always loved me but could not forgive me

I’m not sure which one of those hurts more

I ran into an old acquaintance today
actually, they ran into me
Hadn’t seen them for year


they asked how you were
I said

she’s lovely

they laughed and leaned over to their friend
“She’s madly in love with her”

I laughed

I didn’t have the heart to tell them

She doesn’t love me like how I love her
and how I cry

oh how I cry

little hello again
Falling back into the fathomless depths
a flame in the water
so much against it
the laws of nature
but it still burns
when I think of her

it was another day

At the stop light I sat sitting and my heart saw
A man with a baseball cap
The farmer’s kind Walking
with a woman in a black dress
Holding hands
And I went
Oh
And then
The echos fights and **** ups
Sadness

a little girl
Emerged from behind mom
I knew it was true

They started to run hand in hand when the light started to blink down the seconds

I was the only car there
safe tonight

Hello Biggs
Bigg eyes
With the horns on top
Little arms
Sad and sitting
Always staring into my soul
Goodnight
Bigg eyes

No one is jealous of
Your secret ******* life

so many people moving around
Some are going somewhere, other places
Others stumble into the wrong alleys or fall into holes in the cement
Lots walk in the direction of the arrows
I don’t know what is the right way to go
We all fall asleep
I lose myself in the faces
Are they all me or do I matter in my drop of ocean
I can’t ever see past the horizon
And my eyes are weak to begin with
So many joys but children die every day
I do not find comfort in much

As a child I practiced escapism.
Always pretending to be a different person in a different time
I grew up into an addict
Who continued the escapism
Pretending to not exist

I am better now in that regard
But I look back now and wonder who I was
And there really is no answer

Some people see the world as something they can earn
But I see a small house with animals and people I love.
I don’t know, I guess I have to earn that too

you were a beautiful night sky
I could stare into you for hours
I was down below
But I could feel some warmth
So I moved closer and closer
And closer
And I saw raging fires
Black holes of nothing
And you
A liar
Ever changing your story
Cruel and careless
I stared in wonder for many years
For how could something that beautiful be so empty up close
I touched you and you burned me to the bone
So I left
Back down to earth
To the dirt
Where I am planting a garden

The first flower has bloomed
and it looks nothing like you.

I live on the surface now
But I used to swim down deep in the water
Where it’s always dark

I never think anymore
I just hum and buzz and click
tv static with the volume turned all the way up

I miss the dark
It gave me time to think
I had questions complexity and unrest
it is light at The surface and I can see the people
And I don’t even realize I’m becoming one of them
Much more quickly than I would’ve ever thought

sometimes the past comes
Back in pixels
I see them fly by
And arrange them
As fast as I can

But the picture is always
Different
Now
Miserable
I was but floating on
Stars in my eyes
Flying
Couldn’t feel a thing

And now I’m down below
In the dirt writhing

I eat the dirt and **** it back out
I am alive

bumble bee boy
Found me in the weeds
Stuck underneath
The spikey leaves
He hummed
Telling me that I didn’t belong there
You are a rose he said
They saw your thorns
And thought you were one of them
He picked me up
Young wings and summer air
we flew under the apple tree
In my parents yard
He touched my petals
And told me
You are the most beautiful rose of them all
And for some reason
I believe him

I love you Christian. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. You are my baby bumblebee.

I miss you
I think about the ugliness of my past
The sad story I have become
I had you in the time I was drowning
Now I’m dry on the shore
But you’re long gone
And we’re
Still under the same sun
but I might as well
Be in another galaxy